Articles in the ABUSE THE NEWS Category
ABUSE THE NEWS, POP CULTURE NEWS »
David Spade bought 50 AR-15 rifles for the Phoenix Police Department for Christmas – thus pretty much guaranteeing he’ll never get a speeding ticket in Arizona for the rest of his life.
The NY Daily News is reporting Ben Stiller fell and broke his hand during a skiing accident. Ben’s rep has denied the incident, saying the cast is just a prop for his upcoming sequel: “There’s Something About Metacarpals.”
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt ARE NOT MARRIED! And I still have no idea who they are. I just know I want them to die.
Madonna spent $7500 on Spanish wine laced with silver. So either she’s the most frivolous person ever, or she’s trying to woo – and kill – a vampire.
LAME TV ALERT: Fox is developing a show called “Bitches” – about a group of 4 NYC women who are werewolves. Oddly enough, I think I went to dinner with them last week.
Look! A picture of a rabbit born with no ears!
ABUSE THE NEWS, FOOD, HUMOR/SATIRE, PHOTO HEADLINES, Popular, lists »
(May be considered mildly NSFW. None of the images in this collection have been photoshopped. My eyes have been opened; I never realized there were so many foods that resembled penises.)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ABUSE THE NEWS, POP CULTURE NEWS »
Your workplace might be a little less gay today, because it’s Day Without A Gay! People are being urged to skip work and call out gay as a protest against the ban on same sex marriage. The “Day Without A Gay” idea narrowly won out over the “Fags Without Hags” concept – a day in which gay guys would be encouraged to to ignore their straight female best friends.
Jessica Simpson is “convinced” Tony Romo is going to propose. Whatever. He should propose she move to Guam.
Somebody stole Dukes of Hazzard star John Schneider’s dogs! Oh the inhumanity! They were just some good ol’ dogs, never meanin’ no harm.
Lauri Waring Peterson left the Bravo show Real Housewives of Orange County to help her son recover from his heroin addiction. And to decorate her new 853,000 square foot house.
GUYS, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG: A woman in China partially lost her hearing as a result of “passionate kisses” from her boyfriend. And somewhere in America, Mary Chapin Carpenter started learning sign language as a precautionary measure.
ABUSE THE NEWS »
Today’s Pop Culture News Headlines:
What They Say vs What They Mean
.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: Jonas Brothers to Star in Farting Dog Movie (via US Mag)
TRANSLATION: The dogs aren’t actually the ones farting… they are.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: Christina Aguilera Keeps Getting Better! (via ET)
TRANSLATION: The new video stinks. Aguilera’s publicists must have bribed the ET editors with new iPhones.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: LL Cool J Drops Out Of Janet Jackson’s Tour (via ET)
TRANSLATION: It’s Janet… Miss Jackson if you’re totally screwed without an opening act.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: Obama Tries To Close The Deal In Pennsylvania (via Time)
TRANSLATION: Obama knows he’s got Pennsylvania in the bag. He just really wanted a Philly cheese steak.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: Police Seek Clues In Slayings Of Hudson Relatives (via AP)
TRANSLATION: Unfortunately, the bumbling police don’t have a clue who killed the Hudson relatives.
ABUSE THE NEWS »
Today’s Pop Culture News Headlines:
What They Say vs What They Mean
.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: David Beckham: I Will ‘Never’ Be a Movie Star (via People)
TRANSLATION: David Beckham is worse at acting than Pauly Shore.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: Christina Aguilera to Debut New Video on the Web (via People)
TRANSLATION: No one would pay Christinia Aguilera to debut her new video on TV.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: Tom Cruise Roasts Matt Lauer (via EW)
TRANSLATION: Tom left the house alone? Katie must be in bed with the flu.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: Cindy Crawford Dresses As Amy Winehouse For Halloween via (Daily Mail)
TRANSLATION: The Sarah Palin costumes in Hollywood were all rented out.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: Alaska’s Biggest Newspaper Endorses Obama (via Eurweb)
TRANSLATION: The editor of Alaska’s biggest newspaper will soon be out of a job.
ACTUAL HEADLINE: FBI says body found is that of Jennifer Hudson’s nephew (via AP)
TRANSLATION: The cops have about 2 days to solve this crime before the shit really hits the fan.
.
ABUSE THE NEWS »
Bono, 48, was busted partying with two 19 year old girls in St Tropez, after the girls posted pictures on their Facebook page. Bono was later photographed wearing a t-shirt that said, “I’m the lead singer of U2 and all I got were these two Butter Faces!?”
NBC is moving Lipstick Jungle to Friday Night at 10 pm . No word if they’ll also be renaming the show “Lipstick Graveyard.”
Rapper Coolio, who claims his divorce left him pennyless, will soon be selling egg rolls from FAST FOOD CARTS outside Los Angeles nightclubs. Great, but do they contain MSG?
Manuel Uribe, the world’s fattest man, got married yesterday. He was carried to his wedding on the back of a flatbed truck. Luckily, Uribe found a loophole in his AAA Roadside Assistance package that ended up saving him a bundle on transportation costs.
Amy Poehler had her baby, 8-lb Archie Arnett, on Saturday… shocking everyone who thought she’d be giving birth to a baby slightly larger than Gary Coleman.
ABUSE THE NEWS »
Fashion critic Mr Blackwell died over the weekend, but not before showing up at an event looking like “Ed McMahon wrapped in Shania Twain’s favorite picnic blanket.” Oh come on. He’d want me to say that.
Gina Gershon claims she was haunted by a heavyset, bald ghost in his underwear while she was in college, that left her “unable to sleep.” Whatever. We were all haunted by heavyset, bald guys in college that left us unable to sleep. They were called our “chemistry professors.”
Scientists have developed a robotic plant pot that automatically moves around the room searching for the best sunlight. Tom Cruise is said to be working closely with scientists to develop a robotic plant pot that automatically follows Katie Holmes around town.
Barack Obama was declared the winner at the Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Vote election. When Obama was asked if this was good news for his campaign, he said, “I don’t know.” He then got slimed.
Police arrested an 89-year old woman after she refused to give back a football thrown in her yard by neighborhood children. She is reportedly writing a tell-all book about the incident, called “Take That, Sonny!”
Goodbye, Zima! MilllerCoors announced they’ll no longer be making the beverage after October 10, 2008. Quick Tip: to replicate Zima’s unique flavor, obtain a bedpan from your local senior center and pour its contents into a bottle of Smirnoff Ice. You’ll never know the difference.
Police arrested a man in Saginaw, Michigan after he was caught pleasuring himself with a vacuum at a car wash. When asked why he would do such a thing, the man replied, “My Dyson was clogged for the 6th time this month.”
Scientists found that the Bee Gee’s tune Staying Alive has the perfect beat to do CPR to . Unless, of course, you need to slow things down for a patient like Amy Winehouse. If so, use Mandy by Barry Manilow.
