Featured, THE BACHELOR, TV Recaps »

You’ve speculated! You’ve googled! You’ve theorized! You’ve seen the spoilers! And now, the wait is finally over. Which girl will get Jason’s final rose? Melissa or Molly? OR DEANNA?

I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live-blogging tonight’s Bachelor season finale. Let’s do it!

8:03: Jason and his son Ty: REUNITED AND IT FEELS SOOOOO GOOD.

8:05: Melissa, Ty, and Jason are playing golf. She should have borrowed one of Molly’s argyle sweater vests.

Melissa is talking down to Ty like he’s a 4 year old. Oh, wait…

8:06: Jason left the golf course, and showed up 3 seconds later with A BABY LAMB. Unless he’s planning on romantically weaving Melissa a new sweater, I don’t get it.

Melissa jumped at the chance to tell an awful joke: “Why is the sheep so shy? … Because he was BAAASHFUL.”

8:08: Melissa is meeting Jason’s family, and they’re all freaking out that Jason didn’t get to meet HER family. Jason said, “in the end it not meeting her parents could make a huge difference.”

8:14: And… we’re still talking about Melissa’s parents. And in an unrelated note, I’m 95% sure Jason is wearing women’s jeans, complete with a flare leg.

8:20: Overall, Jason’s family loved Melissa. Jason said, “after today, I’m completely falling in love with Melissa.”

8:24: Next up, Molly is meeting Ty. Her voice is grating on my nerves.

Molly to Jason: “When you talk about Ty, you have this crazy light that comes out of your eyes.” If that’s not the fakest statement you’ve ever heard in your life, then what is?

8:26: Ty refused to high five Molly. He wouldn’t even look at her! He refused to throw her the frisbee! Well, you know what they say about kids and pets.

8:30: They’re flying a kite on the beach. It’s awkward and Molly is completely out of her element. She doesn’t know what to do without a 6 iron in her hand.

SIX MINUTES OF COMMERCIALS!

8:37: Now it’s Molly’s turn to meet the parents! Jason and Molly are sitting really far apart on the couch, and Jason’s brother is foaming at the mouth looking at Molly.

Jason said he has a tough decision. He doesn’t have “doubts” about either woman; it’s “which woman is better for him.” The family seems to like Molly MORE than they liked Melissa.

8:44: Jason is outside crying to his mother. He doesn’t know which woman to choose. “HE CAN’T ESCAPE THIS LIFE THAT HE’S LIVIN! HE’S IN THE MIX, HE’S IN LOVE WIT 2 WOMEN!”

8:52: Melissa called her mother and asked her to talk to Jason. She said she would.

8:54: Melissa and Jason are on a random boat in the pouring rain. Melissa’s in a bikini and they’re making out and… unfortunately, it was just revealed that she has a tramp stamp. That’s a shame.

8:56: Macro shot of Jason’s tongue in Melissa’s mouth.

8:58: Jason told Melissa, “I really have to go. But know I haven’t felt this way either.” Leading her on much?

9:04: Stop! Mollytime! Jason is face down on a massage table, and Molly is in a bikini straddling him. And oh God, Molly just said the S-word. “SOUL MATE.” Game off.

9:09: Molly put together a book for jason called “A Fairytale Love Story: Dedicated to Jason Scott, the love of my life.” It’s a collection of poems, mementos, and other general cheesiness that no man would want to have to sit and look through. Even dcornier, she referred to herself in the 3rd person. “This has been the most incredible journey Molly has ever been on!”

9:17: Jason is calling Melissa’s parents. Jason said it was “better than he expected” and it “made him feel better about everything.”

9:18: ENTER DEANNA, rolling up to the house in a limo. Jason looks like he saw a ghost. They haven’t seen each other since last season’s “After The Final Rose.”

9:19: Deanna said “I chose the wild card. If I chose you, it would have worked. You had all the things I was looking for. If I was to go back and follow what I wanted, I would have made a different decision. If you haven’t proposed yet, you still have a chance, and that’s why I’m here.”

Jason: “Umm… I guess all I can do is thank you for giving me this opportunity. I hated being hurt because I did fall in love with you. But I found 2 girls who I’m completely falling for.” He then walked her to the limo and said peace out.

WTF? I eagerly waited all season for THAT visit from Deanna?! It was the most anti-climactic scene ever! DAMN YOU ABC.

9:28: Jason said he is “more confused than ever.” Just like I was during my organic chemistry exam last semester.

9:30: Jason just picked out a ring, but still claims to be “completely torn between the two women.” He said, Molly is “fun and passionate and exciting” but Melissa is “unbelievable in every way.”

9:32: Two minutes of footate of the girls in the mirror teasing their hair. Enough already.

ed yet, you still have a chance, and that’s why I’m here.”

Jason: “Umm… I guess all I can do is thank you for giving me this opportunity. I hated being hurt because I did fall in love with you. But I found 2 girls who I’m completely falling for.” He then walked her to the limo and said peace out.

WTF? I eagerly waited all season for THAT visit from Deanna?! It was the most anti-climactic scene ever! DAMN YOU ABC.

9:28: Jason said he is “more confused than ever.” Just like I was during my organic chemistry exam last semester.

9:34: Six minutes of the girls staring in the mirror and teasing their hair. Enough already!

9:40: Finally! The final rose ceremony! Jason is freaking out. The first girl out of the limo is… MOLLY. She’s wearing a long purple dress. She looks nice.

Molly: “Before you say anything, I want you to know this has been the most incredible journey I have ever been on and I wouldn’t take back a minute of it.”

Jason: “Every time you look at me with those eyes, you have me. You’ve got me locked in and it’s a place I don’t ever want to leave. You’re amazing in every way possible. And I don’t know how I could ever let you go. BUT I HAVE TO.”

Silence.

Jason: “I never ever wanted to say goodbye to you. And I wish I had some good reasons other than I’m in love with someone else.”

More silence.

Jason: “I’m so sorry.”

Molly: “I guess I just don’t understand. I think you’ve made a mistake, a big one.” Typical cocky Molly response. Peace out, Molly.

Jason at the limo: “Everything was real. I started falling in love with you very early on. Always know that.” Molly genuinely looks shocked. Her ego was way too big. She thought she had it in the bag. She keeps saying, “he made a big mistake and he’s gonna learn it the hard way.”

Back home, Jason is crying and looks like he wants to fling himself over the balcony. He seems really conflicted and I’m starting to wonder if these “After The Final Rose” spoilers are true.

9:53: UGH, Dancing With The Stars is coming back. Guys, no one watch it, k? Then maybe ABC will do the world a favor and stop airing it.

9:55: Here comes Melissa! She’s wearing a pale peach gown with gold straps, and she looks phenomenal… except her hair looks REALLY ratty.

Jason: “Our very 1st date I started falling for you. You make me happier than I ever have in my entire life and I’ve wanted to tell you something for a long time now, and that is I’m completely in love with you. And there’s one more thing.”

(Reaches in pocket, grabs ring, down on one knee)

Jason: “Melissa, I love you. Will you make me the happiest man?”

Melissa turned around and screamed, and of course, accepted. She’s shaking. They seem happy. And right now, everyone in America is saying: “IF HE HURTS MELISSA I WILL NEVER WATCH ABC EVER AGAIN.”

Next: AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Chris Harrison is introducing the show. “Normally, here on after the final rose, we would talk to the happy couple and celebrate their journey of love. Tonight is different. What you’re about to witness is so dramatic that we decided to keep the taping as intimate as possible.”

Jason is coming out alone. The whole mood is somber and really serious. Jason said, “It’s been a crazy time. You know, I came here to find someone like Melissa and she is incredible and sweet and…”

HOLY SHIT, HE’S DUMPING MELISSA. The spoilers were true.

Jason said the chemistry was totally different after the show, and said Melissa only knows “things feel completely different for me.”

Jason: “Over the last few weeks I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Molly. I tried but I can’t control how I’m feeling – the real honest true feelings and I wish they weren’t there.”

Look. Some relationships work. Some don’t. I get that. But dumping someone on TELEVISION, in a situation like this, makes Jason a 1st class SCUMBAG.

Chris: “You’re telling me you’re still in love with Molly?”

Jason: “Yes.”

Apparently they haven’t talked since the day he sent her home in New Zealand. And he plans on breaking up with Melissa ON TELEVISION. And this had to be all set up by ABC. But playing with people’s emotions for ratings is disgusting. Sad.

Melissa has been backstage and hasn’t heard any of this. She’s coming out now and has no clue she’s about to get totally blindsided.

Jason: “Our conversations have been how things are different, how I feel like things are different.” Yeah, because you want to date someone else. That tends to throw a wrench into things, buddy. “The chemistry started changing. We’re not right for each other.”

Melissa: “I thought things were perfect.” Crying. “The second you start having doubts, you don’t talk to me about it, but you just pull away and don’t even try.” She’s right. “Something happened and you have yet to be honest.”

Jason: “What I realized is that I was falling for 2 people at the same time. And I still have feelings for Molly.”

I give Melissa credit for being so composed. I’d be going ape-shit. This is worse than a Springer episode.

Best line of the night: Melissa: “That’s your decision, YOU BASTARD.”

Melissa: “I wish you just let me go instead of doing this to me.” I feel so bad for her. Jason replied, “I hate myself for what I’m doing to Melissa. BUT I want to give it a shot with Molly.”

Melissa: “Don’t call me. Leave me alone.” And with that she walked off set and Jason cried some more of his bullshit crocodile tears. Boy, he’s really laying it on thick for the cameras.

10:30: Molly is backstage and hasn’t heard anything that just happened. She’s coming out… after the next 8 YEAR COMMERCIAL BREAK.

10:36: Heeeere’s Molly. Do you think she has on enough make-up? Jesus. Is she performing on Broadway after the show?

Molly: “I didn’t know how to deal with heartbreak because I’d never been in that position before.” Oh my God. Get off your horse, Molly. She continued, “He’s such an incredible person and I’ll never deny that. I was in love with Jason, and just because he didn’t choose me doesn’t mean that’s all going to go away overnight.”

(Sidebar: I CALL BULLSHIT. I don’t believe Molly and Jason haven’t been talking.)

10:45: Jason’s back on stage with Molly now.

Jason: “I fell to my knees after you got in the limo. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. What you need to know is that Melissa was out here earlier and I ended things with her because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

(interjection: this feels fake and so rehearsed. Molly’s reactions are not genuine at all. She’s trying way too hard to act surprised and shocked.)

Jason: “I think the most insincere thing I could do is jump real fast from one thing to another but I was hoping we could have a shot, like go out for coffee or a drink and see where things…”

Molly: (snidely laughing)… “Um… what about Melissa?”

Jason: “What I did to her was horrible. Nobody deserves the pain she went through but I don’t want to live my life with any regrets. I know that when I think about living in the moment, it’s with you.”

I can almost hear the ABC producers saying, “Don’t take him back yet, Molly, we still have 10 minutes left.”

Molly’s still speechless. Jason’s still stuttering like a fool. This got old 25 minutes ago.

Molly: “We still have a lot to talk about but my feelings never went away. I think we can see where things to. This is something I dreamed of but never expected to hear.” Now her hand is on his knee. “There’s a piece of me that’s confused – I am blown away right now but there’s bigger discussions that we need to have but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad this is happening right now.”

And now they’re holding hands.

Jason: “I came here to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with, and you are that person.”

And now they’re making out.

And I’m revolted.

In closing, I’m walking away from this season of The Bachelor seriously disliking the show, and seriously disliking Jason Mesnick. Molly and Jason are about as two-faced as they come, and they should live happily ever after. Until they break up like every other couple on The Bachelor, that is.

Thanks for reading. I’m Jillian Madison and I’m…………………. OUT.

Featured, SURVIVOR, TV Recaps »

Hey – I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live blogging tonight’s episode of Survivor: Tocantins (episode #1803). Candace was kicked off last week. 14 contestants remain.

8:02 pm: This episode of Survivor is sponsored by Bounty, with 25% thicker quilts to clean up the copious amounts of Coach’s BS we’re all about to endure.

8:07: Everyone on Timbira hates Erinn because she was friends with Candace. Ah yes, nothing like watching 30 year olds act like 7th grade.

8:10: Jalapao has no clue how to use their fishing net. So far, they’ve only managed to catch two tiny minnows.

8:13: Challenge time! More of the same. They’re blindfolded, and have to make their way through a maze and fill barrels with corn, while one other team member screams directions. They’re playing for chairs, an umbrella, and blankets.

8:16: Corn is flying around everywhere. Orville Redenbacher must be rolling over in his grave.

8:17: Does no one know the difference between RIGHT and LEFT anymore?

8:18: Jalapao won reward. Finally. Now they can eat their 2 nasty minnows on comfortable lawn chairs. They’re sending Brendan to Exile, and he picked Taj to join him. Again.

8:19: Is this the COACH show? Why do I feel like he’s the only one I know by name?

8:23: Coach just told Tyson he was his “assistant coach” as horrible, lilting banjo music played in the background. Tyson’s southern accent made it seem just like a scene out of Deliverance.

8:26: Meanwhile, on Exile, Brendan and Taj got a clue that said the hidden immunity idol was “surrounded by wood.” So maybe they should start searching in Coach’s pants.

8:32: Immunity challenge! The contestants have to endure one entire episode of this BORING season of Survivor. Whichever team stays awake the longest, wins.

8:33: Kidding. 2 members of each tribe have to roll giant crates across a field. They then have to use those crates to make a staircase. First team to get all their members across wins immunity.

8:37: Jalapao won immunity. Again. And just like every other season on Survivor, one team wins everything while the other tribe suffers.

8:42: Jerry doesn’t feel good. He said he feels like there are 2 boxers “boxin’ around” in his stomach.

8:44: COACH, SHUT THE F*CK UP. Stop referring to Tyson as your “assistant coach.” Look around. Does it look like you’re on a soccer field? Do you see grass? Or Brandi Chastain’s sports bra?

8:47: Brendan randomly found the hidden immunity idol in the tree mail statue. Incredibly anticlimactic.

8:47: Timbira is split into two groups. Those who want to send Jerry home because his stomach hurts, and those who want Coach to have an embolism and die.

8:49: Ew. Tyson just said he wanted to send Erinn home, because he “loves seeing people cry when you crush their dreams.” What a sadistic, punk-ass bitch. Who says something like that?

8:52: Coach… the only person alive with an ego bigger than Oprah Winfrey.

Third person voted off Survivor Tocantins: JERRY.

That’s it for this (boring) episode… we’ll see you next week for more Survivor!

Featured, POLITICS, TOP CHEF, TV Recaps »

(2/25/09) Hey! I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live-blogging tonight’s Top Chef New York finale for Pophangover. The finalists are Stefan, Carla, and Hosea. The winner gets a feature in Food & Wine, a showcase at the Food & Wine showcase in Aspen, a $100,000 cash prize, and the title of… TOP CHEF. LET’S DO IT.

10:00: Meeting with Padma and Tom in New Orleans. The final challenge is to cook the “best 3 course meal” of their lives. They’re getting some help from Richard, Casey, and Marcel, finalists from previous seasons of Top Chef.

10:05: Hosea chose Richard, Stefan chose Marcel, and Carla got Casey by default.

10:06: Hosea stole all the fois gras and all the caviar. Stefan is one pissed off European.

10:08: Raw fish flying around everywhere. I feel like I’m watching a “Behind The Scenes” episode of Deadliest Catch.

10:17: Wow. Really long commercial break. Ok, it’s the finale… there’s a twist. Tom is adding one more course. Each contestant has to make an appetizer using local New Orleans ingredients. Hosea had the baby in his King Cake, so he got to choose first. He picked redfish, and assigned the crab to Carla and the alligator to Stefan.

10:19: Quick question, why is the Top Chef NEW YORK finale in NEW ORLEANS?

10:20: Stefan just hacked the tail off of a whole crocodile. He’s making alligator soup.

THEIR MENUS:
Hosea is making a trio of sashimi, scallops & foie gras with pain perdu, and venison loin with wild mushrooms.

Stefan is making halibut & salmon carpaccio, squab with braised red cabbage & schupfnudeln, and ice cream & chocolate mousse with vanilla syrup and lollipops.

Carla is making seared snapper with saffron aioli & croutons, sous-vide New York strip steak with potato rod & merlot sauce, and cheese tart with apple coins & marmalade.

10:25: Carla’s giving herself a pep talk. “GIRL, YOU CAN DO IT.” Oh, look, more commercials.

10:31: Lots of stuffy people standing around in a stuffy room drinking champagne. Must be the judges.

10:32: Susan Spicer, John Besh, Rocco DiSpirito, Branford Marsalis, Fabio, Tory McPhail, Ti Martin, Gail Simmons, Toby Young, Tom Colicchio, Hubert Keller, and Padma are the judges. Ok… one of those things is not like the other. Why is FABIO there?

10:33: Hosea’s redfish appetizer is up first. One of the male judges is moaning. So either he liked it, or Monica Lewinsky is hiding under the table.

10:35: Things you notice when you’re bored: Padma’s dress matches the table perfectly.

10:36: The judges are tasting. They seemed to like Carla’s first course the best, but she overcooked her second course steak and no one enjoyed it. Fabio said, “zis wuz not-ahh hundred-ah granddeee deeeesh.”

10:39: DISASTER. Carla forgot to turn the oven down and her third course souffle bubbled and burned. And with that, Carla ruined her chances of winning this competition.

10:42: Carla admits this wasn’t the “meal of her life” but thinks the parts her “heart and soul were in were really good.”

10:45: God, this new Julia Roberts movie, Duplicity, looks really stupid. Comeback: FAIL.

10:46: This is it! Judges’ table! Stefan is standing there with his arms crossed, smug as usual. Carla’s getting hammered for her souffle-that-wasn’t, and Hosea is talking way too much.

10:52: Carla’s tearing up while giving reasons why she deserves to win Top Chef. And holy crap, Stefan saw her crying and actually started tearing up as well. The man is human. Who knew?

10:53: Padma just said, “We all can agree Carla is out of the running.” So it’s official – Carla is not the winner of Top Chef NY.

10:55: They’re only shooting Gail Simmons from the waist up. Girlfriend put on a few pounds.

11:00: AND THE WINNER OF TOP CHEF: NY IS… HOSEA.

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The whole announcement was really anticlimactic, don’t you think? There wasn’t any excitement in the air. It felt more like he just won a free taco or something.
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So there you have it! We’ll see you back here next season for more Top Chef goodness.

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AMERICAN IDOL, Featured, TV Recaps »

UPDATE: The finalists from Group 2 were Allison Irahetta, Kris Allen, and (gag me) Adam Lambert.

(2/25/09) Hi. I’m Jillian Madison. I’ll be live blogging tonight’s American Idol: Group 2 performances. It’s a 2 hour show tonight, so pop a few No-Doz and settle in. This group sure does look boring.

8:00 pm: Kara’s advice: “It’s all about doing the best you can. There are no second chances.” Those little gems were clearly stolen from page 9 of Rocky Balboa’s “So You Wanna Be A Boxer” handbook.

8:04: Jasmine Murray, 17 going on 32, is the first performer. She’s singing Love Song. Ugh, no. It’s off pitch and she threw down way too many vocal runs. She’s a pretty girl, but her hands are GIGANTIC. The judges didn’t like her performance.

8:14: Matt Giraud, the goofy dueling piano player who never met a tuxedo vest he didn’t like, is up next. He’s singing Viva La Vida by Coldplay. Lookswise, he reminds me of a mixture of Justin Timberlake and Joey Macintyre, but his his performance is really average and forgettable. Oooh, scratch that. His vocal performance is God-awful. He’s missing more notes than a sick college student. Judges hated it.

8:20: Twenty minutes in, and TWO people have performed.

8:25: Jeanine Vailes, some 28 year old bartender and hideous lime green nail polish, is next. I’ve never even heard of before, but she looks like a rejected Pussycat Doll. She’s singing This Love by Maroon 5. Ughhh. This is AWFUL. I know I said that about the other 2, but this is even WORSE. God, I’m envious of Marlee Matlin right now. Judges hated it, but liked her legs. Do they make a consolation prize for that? Bye bye, Jeanine.

8:36: Nick Mitchell. Norman. Whatever. The tool in the sparkly shirt. He’s crawling all over the stage and mouth raping his microphone. Oh wait, he just got to second base with the American Idol sign. Overall, his performance was entertaining. Everyone is laughing, but his whole schtick is a joke. The sad part is, his vocals were better than the 3 people before him. Simon called it “horrific comedy” but Randy called it the “most entertaining performance of all time.”

8:40: Kara said, “We remember you, Norman. You come out every week and wear the same shirt, just like Simon.” Ooh, snap.

8:48: Man. I don’t know who this Allison Irahetta girl is, but she’s been spending far too much time in Stevie Nicks’ closet, that’s for sure.

8:50: She’s singing Alone by Heart. It’s surprisingly not bad. Not nearly as good as Carrie Underwood’s memorable performance from a few years back, but probably the best of the night so far (though that’s not saying much). One thing’s for sure: her voice makes her sound like she can’t wait to get backstage to smoke another pack of KOOLS.

8:55: Kris Allen is next. He apparently only wears flannel shirts. He’s singing… MAN IN THE MIRROR by Michael Jackson. OMG. This could be the worst song choice in American Idol history. Too bad HE didn’t look at the man in the mirror when he was putting on that skin tight imitation Members Only jacket.

9:05: Megan Corkrey has a good voice, but her dance moves are SINFULLY BAD. She’s twisting and stomping her foot, like she’s at a sock hop. I think she learned those dance moves from one of her son’s WIGGLES dvd’s. Still, she had the best performance of the night and I think she’ll breeze into the top 12.

9:12: We’ve just seen our 15th Ford commercial of the night. Now’s a good time to rant about how much this whole “Top 36″ idea blows. These episodes are torture to watch.

9:15: Matt Breitzke, the 38 year old welder who looks more like a bouncer, is up next. He seems like a nice guy, so I won’t mention his really bad lisp. Whoops. I mentioned it. He’s singing Tonic, “If You Could Only See.” Decent voice, but really bad dance moves. Wait, yeah, he just did the white man’s overbite. This is the un-rockiest Tonic performance of all time. Average and forgettable. Judges hated it.

9:20: The commenters on WEHATEIDOL.com are hysterical tonight. Keep it goin’ guys. This one made me laugh: “That’s the best workout Matt got since towing his ugly wifes car from the hometown buffet back in october.” So bad, yet so good.

9:21: Jesse Langseth, another boring and forgettable singer, is up next. She’s singing “Betty Davis Eyes.” What is this, 1982? I absolutely loathe her one-shoulder blue glitter sweater. I don’t like this girl. And she’s wearing a CLASS RING. Who actually wears their CLASS RING???

9:26: This girl is boring. I already forgot her name. Go home to your kid Jesse, buh bye.

9:30: DAMN IT. That damn “nannerpuss” commercial gets in my head for hours. I don’t even know what it’s advertising.

9:33: Kai Kalama. Zzzzzz. He’s doing Elvis movements with his lips as he’s singing “What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted.” This guy looks like Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons. I’ll tell you what becomes of the broken hearted… they wind up on American Idol singing boring songs. This was a dated, old fashioned song and it was, again, boring and forgettable. Simon called it “corny” and “something you’d hear in a hotel.” Word.

9:42: Mishavonna Henson is up next, singing “Drops of Jupiter” by Train. I don’t like the look of her face. She tragically looks like the pig in Charlotte’s Web. She’s just boring and cold. Paula said the song didn’t “excite her.” What the hell IS a drop of Jupiter anyway? Corny. Next.

9:51: Adam Lambert, the 27 year old musical theater geek who loves his black eyeliner, is the final performer of the night. He’s singing “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones (which is, personally, one of my top 10 most hated songs of all time). OMG. This performance is screaming ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. It’s simply HIDEOUS. And he’s wearing an ugly Michael Jackson glove with the fingers cut off, and 93 pounds of fake gold jewelry around his neck. Wow. I can’t even find the words to say how awful that performance was. Hated it.

Ok, Jesus. It’s finally over. Here’s my prediction for the 3 performers who will make it to the top 12: NORMAN/NICK, Megan Corkrey, and Allison Irahetta. We’ll bring you the results tomorrow night as soon as they go down.

As always, leave your thoughts in the comments and we’ll see you tomorrow night.

Featured, SURVIVOR, TV Recaps »

Hey – I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live blogging tonight’s episode of Survivor: Tocantins. We’re switching to “COVER IT NOW” for live blogging, which means you won’t have to hit refresh every 4 seconds. Let’s do it!

Featured, TV Recaps »

MILLIONAIRE MATCHMARE: Season 2, Episode 1

So soon after Valentine’s Day, the question has to be asked, “Do you want to find the love of your life and never ever have to worry about looking for love again?” Awesome! OH. I’m sorry. I forgot. I have to ask you another question… “You got a million bucks on ya?”, because that’s what it takes to become part of the Millionaires Club, run by Patti Stengar, in sunny California.

Patti believes in love. You can see love oozing from her pores. She comes from a long line of matchmakers. Her mother was one. Her grandmother was one. Sure, the times and traditions have changed a bit over the years. Grandma didn’t scout the internet looking at myspace for potential girls (Oh yes… Patti’s girls do, so make sure you put up a GREAT profile pic). But deep down, we’re talking LOVE… it’s all the same.

Some things you need to know (and you need to know that Patti talks even faster than I do, which means I hit pause a LOT typing this for y’all).
They are NOT an escort service
She does careful screening. She asks the deep questions. Questions about these old geezers having kids. (Ok, that wasn’t fair… they’re not ALL old. In fact, last season one was in his 20s. Impressive. And it wasn’t even “family money” – aka it wasn’t Brody Jenner – )

They are ONLY for the relationship minded.
She deals with billionaires, millionaires, and multi millionaires.
Ok wait… when you say “billionaire” doesn’t that IMPLY multi millionaire?
Am I being OCD again.
I am, huh?
I’m sorry. I’ll stop. Let’s continue.

Her fees start from $2,000 to $150,000 per year. Oh please. Don’t tell me you thought matchmaking was FREE! You’re so cute. It’s a VERY exclusive club to get into and they have locations all over the world. Patti claims a 99% success rate. Let’s see how she does this season.

Ok, so she enters her office and I’ve gotta tell you. I love the people there. Her spiky haired guy? He’s the one that does the pc work and web design. He stays out of the matchmaking. There were 2 other girls that I adored. Their job was to hunt down women like they were on an African safari. But Patti’s tough. Don’t bring her 7s. She wants 10s!

Well don’t we ALL.

Lo and behold, Allison left so they are looking for replacements and a little part of me died. Allison was the one that came to her company first and she worked so well there but I guess she and Patti just couldn’t mend ways.

Let me give you an example, in case you didn’t see this show (JILLIAN, I’m talking to you!)

Patti is SO happy with you, she goes out and buys you a $500 purse/bag/whatever you want to call it and says “YAY”. In the meantime, your lights are being turned off because oddly enough, the electric company doesn’t take payment in form of handbag. She’d tried explaining this, but never got far. Fly the coop Allison. We will miss you!

I really hope they bring in an entertaining skank. All they’re talking about right now is how many resumes they have. Millionaire membership has doubled by 100%, so Patti’s got her work cut out for her.

Oh now that’s funny… she gave spiky hair guy a new “title” so now he has to do more of her shit. I bet he got hair products instead of a pay increase.

It’s time to meet the millionaires! (My favorite part! *gets popcorn*)

Chelsea’s is only 28. Impressive. And then he brags that he has a Corvette, which makes them giggle. When he talks about what he wants… as Patti puts it “He wants tits on a stick”. His idea of a perfect first date is just “chilling out, getting to know each other, talking, having sex”…. Oooooh you just lost her there, Buddy. You had em for a second but then Wuahhhh wuaaahhh (you know that “bad” music they play in the old movies? That’s the sound I just made. I’m good at it, huh?) He continues… he likes the arts “Well, THAT’S something.” Poor Patti is grasping at straws here. Then he says what he REALLY wants, is Patti.

I think she just threw up in her mouth a little.

Patti explains that this man is WAY too feminine for her. She likes a rough tough manly man who just shoves you up a wall and pulls your hair and gives it to you. Allison now looks horrified. Her boyfriend, (Andy, who by the way we have NEVER seen) hasn’t married her yet because DUH he understands how serious she is with her business and he’s giving her time to get settled with that. God. Don’t question the matchmaker. She might smite you and you don’t want that.

Next up… Brett. He’s 27 and making energy drinks that are geared towards women. Hrm. The name is “Her Energy Drinks”… beats me. I don’t drink those things, but I’ve never seen that brand. He’s done well for himself. But because of the money, he’s traveled all over and I don’t think he’s been STILL long enough to find love. He’s attractive. I predict good things for this guy.

Oh no. Did you see that? Rewind. Did you see that flash in Patti’s eyes? She’s honed in on his problem. He explains that he needs a girl that isn’t spontaneous. That if she doesn’t have a passport, it won’t work (well take me off THAT list then). Patti smartly says, “He has issues”. And I agree, frankly. I think people that are always going going going are running from something and until they make peace with it, they won’t be happy. There’s NOTHING wrong with copious amounts of travel, when you can afford it like that… but his is to almost a desperate level. Like he HAS to go. Patti’s wise. I’m telling you. You may laugh at first at some of her cookoo observations, but just stick with it. you’ll see she knows her stuff.

Patti agrees to take this one on… he’s going to be a lot of work. GOSH he has a cute dog. That’s SOME form of commitment at least. She came out and told him she didn’t like him on tape. I like her directness..

She asks what Hollywood types he’s attracted to. This always tells her a lot. Kate Beckinsale (Good choice, she says), Jessica Alba. She questions him about brunettes and he says it isn’t just THAT… he wants her to be sweet, smart, educated, etc. She likes him. He isn’t one of the zillions of guys she deals with daily that just want a 20 year old blonde with big tits.

She is getting serious now, we’re whipping out the club rules. I’ll only post them this one time, but it’s hilarious to see how some guys react to them.

1.) No sex. Not until he’ is in a committed relationship with them. Sleep with some backup chick, she doesn’t care. But HER girls… they are going to be courted. Nice short list, huh? But just know… you break that rule and you are kicked out of the club and there are NO refunds.

She’s got another appointment today, so she excuses herself. God, I hope she’s not going to the first/perky guy’s house.
Ok, I can’t stop laughing. I’ve no idea WHO’S house she’s in right now, but it’s a rather tiny home, especially compared to the millionaire pads we’re exposed to. And there’s a large rather stiff formal man staring at her. “Who are you?” she asks. (Have I mentioned, I love her directness? I’m serious. If I lived in LA, I swear I would try to work for her just because 1.) I think I’d rock OUT at that shit and 2.) I adore Patti and know we’d get along well)

Scary stiff man… “I’m the butler”. THE BUTLER??? I can throw a rubber bouncy ball and hit every surface in that room, wtf does he need a BUTLER for?!?!? Who is he, BATMAN and grew up without parents? God I can’t wait to hear more. Patti looks as amused/taken aback as I do.

Oh dear Jesus. It IS the guy from tape #1. He comes… I need a verb. “Walking” won’t do. “Sauntering” is too much. “Oozing”? He comes oozing down the stairs with a Hugh Hefner pipe in one hand and a cheap ass Wal-Mart looking bouquet of flowers in the other. Patti is going to rip this guy a new asshole (excuse my language, it’s just a saying we have around these parts). He kneels and kisses her hand. Tells her she is so sexy. She cannot even hide the sheer amusement on her face. I can’t stop giggling. This guy is like in make believe land. I don’t know if Patti can fix him up enough to send him out for dates!!!

She asks if he’s always had a butler. He replies that his name is Raul and has been with him for about a year and a half and he’s really cool.
Oh God. I can’t even believe what I’m watching. Raul is holding a lovely bowl and pouring water from a matching pitcher of water over David, and then he towels them off. “Is this a Jewish tradition?”, asks Patti… TRYING to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. “No, this is the rich tradition.” Super. What a charmer.

We get some footage of David out on the town. He claims he’s the kind of guys that men want to be and women want to be with. He is driving a car… and I’m so sorry guys, but I don’t know cars. I go by color. I always have. But I think you’ll understand when I say he is driving a “I have a small penis” car, in a bright yellow. It’s a convertible. And he’s got the rag top down so his hair can blow. The girlies are on standby waiting just to say hi.

Ok I’m done. Sorry… I burst out with random bad songs sometimes. Think of it as Tourettes minus the medical issue or the cursing.

David owns a fashion catalog company. Net worth is $6 to $7 million, with much more coming in. He’s got a mansion in West Hollywood, valued at approximately $2.5 million (so why was he in that other house?!) All his life, he’s met girls from strip clubs and bars and has met some great girls, but nothing that lasts (geeez, do you think maybe he’s shopping at the wrong places?) Patti notices a painting on the wall, Two girls kissing. She asks what‘s up with that picture. He says he painted it himself. It’s that infamous moment when they kissed on that award show.

Let me just say, from an ART standpoint… he actually has talent. But since all he wanted was “tits on a stick” and the ONE thing he had going for him (in Patti’s eyes) was that he panted… this is not faring well. She wants to know why it needs to be placed so prominently in the house and asks if he wants a bisexual woman. She tries to explain to him, using small simple words (because trust me, this clown needs them) that a bisexual woman can leave him at ANY time, for another woman! Because she likes that too. What’s so hard to GET about that?

Patti’s got David on the couch. I almost feel sorry for him right now. I know what happens on the couch. It’s when she hits those “below the belt” shots. But think of it as tough love, because honestly, that’s what it is. She WANTS to help improve the lives of these men so that they CAN find the woman of their dreams and be happy.

This does not start off well. She questions the need for a butler. He says, “Well, that way I can say “I feel a little hungry” and just lean my head back like this, and he feeds me grapes.” (yes… think Cleopatra, because that’s what just happened. Patti can no longer hold the disgust back. She says “Do you THINK a woman is going to be attracted to this??” And he says “What? Because I’m hot?”. Patti replies calmly, “No. You’re not hot.”

I wish you could see his face right now. Talk about a slap of reality that he really needed, but God love him, he sure didn’t see it coming.

Patti diagnoses him with NPD. Narcissistic Perfectionist Disorder. She asks why he’s *looking* for love right now. He says he likes being single, but he wants to see if there’s someone that will make him spend the rest of his with them.

When she asks for HIS Hollywood types, he doesn’t hesitate. He likes Marilyn Monroe, Adriana Lima, Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls BUT… with the personality of someone like… are you ready for it? Wait for it.

With the personality of someone like Conan O’Brien. Patti isn’t so sure about this, so she verifies… you want somebody FUNNY that’s hot. YES that’s it. You hit the nail on the head Patti.

David, are you ready to fall in love? His answer made me want to punch him. He said that if she was going to make him give “all this” up (what, the grape feeding butler???) then she had to be extra extra /EXTRA perfect.

I don’t get it. What is he seeing that I’m not? Because even if I knew he wasn’t a douche, which is, I’d “just not be that into him”.

Camera pans out of his house and back at the agency. Patti explains… the problem she has with guys like David is that not only does she have to find somebody that he likes… but the girl has to like him BACK. And this guy is a wackadoo! (Wackadoo is a word Patti will be using a lot, trust me)

Oh God. See, when you’re a member of the club, you don’t just get set up on dates. Patti does a lot of one on one time for you and tries to help you as much as she can. Last year’s finale ended “wackadoo” with Paul,, who PROPOSED to the girl he had the first date with. When he came in to talk to Patti about it, she tried to conceal how pissed off she was, but she told him to “do it right”. Meet the parents, COURT HER. Do things right. He knotted somberly that he would. Well… they didn’t. They ended up moving in together, which broke club rules. BIG no no (because there was no ring) and they ended up breaking up and she moved out. So today he’s coming in today to talk to Patti to see if there’s anything she can do with him. She chewed him out because there was no ring. He just wanted her to move in so he could get some free “something something”. And then Patti struck the lowest blow she could. Guess what? Sydney (the girl from his date) is engaged. To an amazing man. That Patti set her up with. Haha! Take THAT, Paul! She starts screaming at him like a banshee and says he should never be allowed to date again and should be exiled to courtship prison. A very sheepish and beat down Paul makes a hasty retreat.

Every week, they have a recruiting session. Women come in to apply to be put on “the list”. They need beauty, brains, and class and be ready to settle down. Patti quickly weeds through a couple of blondes (one just wasn’t pretty enough and one was too heavy). Then one got approved. Another blonde though. She’s being brought in for David (poor girl). Sasha comes in… she’s a brunette (Patti requested to see one since she’d been looking at blondes). Sasha’s older than most of the girls that apply, but she told them honestly that she was 34. Patti asked if she had her green card, and Sasha showed it to her. Sasha was also in Playboy. Probably back when girls still had pubes.

CUTE 21 year old (but a very old 21… She’s got her shit together). She’s being brought in for Brett.

I should interject and say for those NOT in the know (JILLIAN), what normally happens is about 20-30 women meet at this place in cocktail attire. Some hand picked for each guy, but not labeled for them or anything. They mingle, drink, and chat. Then the millionaire gets to pick 2-3 girls (sometimes Patti picks one) and they get a little time alone to chat and see if there’s any chemistry between them. If so, then they can try to agree on a first date.

I’ve also gotta throw this one in there. I will NOT mention names, but I have a friend who is the “go to” (she does everything) girl for some people that own some upscale nightclub//bar type places. She just told us that one of the mixers is being held there soon. I’m so giddy. I want pics!

So the ones that Patti chooses are told to glam it UP! She wants full makeup. High high heels. Big hair. Total A game.

The mixer has started. The girls are already there. The guys are watching over a balcony just scoping things out. Patti tells them about the guys.

Patti goes to the men and tells them she’s got the girls prepped and ready (read: they’ve been plied with wine and are ready to go!). She tells them to mingle, and then they get to pick 2 mini dates where they can talk to them. One rule… don’t talk about sex.

Time to meet the girls. Patti introduces them from up on the balcony where they were, and David immediately blows it during the introduction by saying ‘Hey! Let’s get drunk and talk about sex!”

Oh GOD I want to kill David. He said that usually when 30-40 hot women are all trying to get his attention and buy him drinks, it’s a “fantastic great thing”. For him… it’s a Wednesday.

Patti’s working the room, steering people towards each other like she does. The one Patti picked as a forerunner for Brett is going very well with him. Plus this girl is just stunning. Anyone would want to be with her.

David on the other hand… he just cannot take anything seriously. And that’s never a good thing.

Patti’s technique is to let them “freefall” for awhile. Talk to who they want. Have fun. But when it doesn’t seem to be turning out well or going anywhere… she’ll pop in and introduce one of her pics to the guys to see what happens.

Time to pick the mini dates:

Brett pics Melanie, who is absolutely gorgeous, and an entrepreneur. And Katy. He says he just “clicked”. Patti reminds him that the penis often does the picking. Then she reveals her notepad and says “These were my pics for you”. Melanie and Katy.
Whoa, that is like some Cries Angel Mindfreak shit going on right there.

David picks Katy and Jenn. Oh no. Both of them picked Katy. What, does she have a golden pussy?? David says he’s anxious to hear more about Kate (as he calls her) to learn more about what she has to say about sex and thing. Lord have mercy. And then Jenn is fun because she has a good attitude and is fun. Wow. That was deep. Patti wishes them well and leaves to talk to the hoard of whores.

OH no. As Patti was headed for the girls, she spies Brett macking on a girl saying she’s hot and trying to get the digits. One of the rules are, at these mixers, you do NOT try to gather up phone numbers. You’re given a chance to pick your two mini dates. Be happy with that. Patti was waggling her finder all in his face.

She throws the girl out of the club. She reminds this girl sweetly that Brett did not PICK her. So clearly he was not that into her (yes, she used those words) and she’s TRYING to pick her from being sloppy seconds.

Brett meats with Katy first. They go the horoscope route. Apparently Libras and Scorpios love each other. Patti is sneak peeking over the balcony so she can hear. Then they jumped straight into liquor. I have no idea, but Katy *really* wanted to know what kind of booze he drank. I’m not sure why she couldn’t just accept that he didn’t drink much, but anyway… maybe we’ll find out more when she talks to David.

Now it’s David’s turn to talk to his girl. He’s getting Jenn first. Patti calls the staff over to eavesdrop and laugh at Brian. Brian says that she smells so good and asks what she’s wearing.

She is wearing J-Lo. WHAT? That is so inexpensive and just… no. I’m hoping it smells better on her than it does on me with the body chemistry and stuff. Otherwise, she’s stinky. First question… David asks “Tell me the truth… am I one of the hottest guys you’ve ever seen? UGH. Jenn has a backup answer (It had to be preplanned) and said “You do have this Ben Stiller thing going on”. David replied, “Well, in one movie, he played a male model. So you’re saying I look like a male model.”
What *I* am saying is that David is dumb enough on his OWN to have played that part in Zoolander. He needs a clue and needs one fast. Maybe he should sit down in his thinking chair and think think think (Blues Clues reference). Jenn nervously laughs.

Now Brett meets with Melanie. They’re hitting it off much more naturally. I think she’ll be the one he pics for his main date. And I’ll repeat… she is VERY pretty. And like him, she loves having the whole adventure/travel thing going on.

David’s shot with Katy is coming up. This is bound to be good. I wonder how long he’ll make it without asking a sexually based question. Jenn needs lots of adventure… someone to keep her busy… keep her on her toes. So David concludes she’s a people person and very outgoing. Then says “What do you think of ME so far?” and flashes this smile… dear God I wish I could imitate it because I’d do it all the time just to scare my kids.

Jenn liked Brett way better than David (no shit) So she’s made her pick, regardless of what the men want. She said Brett was respectful and polite whereas David just comes off as a playboy.

So the 10 minute minidates are over. David picked Katy. Jenn was lovely, but he felt a stronger connection.

Brett chooses Melanie. He liked her because she was Canadian and he liked how free her scheduling was.

Now for some more tough love. We’ve gotta whip these boys into shape for their REAL first dates. .

Working on David first: David, women don’t like big egos. It’s like you’re hot and you know you’re hot(he mouths the words (thank you… thank you), . But do you need to say this 5 times in a date? No. Brett turns to the side with a face of utter disbelief and says, “Have you been DOING that?!?” Yeah Bret, we’re as shocked as you are. Patti suggests bringing in one of her staff that is a Life Coach to help him through some things so that they’ll get the most out of their dates.

Patti announces the dates. Melanie is excited. Katy looks picked. David picked Katy, she looks less than thrilled. Patti calls Katy over and assures her that she’s working on David for her and that when they have their date, he will be a better/different man. God, I hope so.

The life coach comes over (and yes, the butler answers the door, but he doesn’t wash her hands. I guess that’s a “special” treat for David alone).
She asks what he’ll do when he’s the 80 year old man who never married? He says he’ll probably just open a club and hang out with young 65 year old women all day.

Ok so now the life coach has rule 1 for him
1.) No juvenile humor
2.) No bragging
3.) Share your head before you share your bed.

This one confused him. He didn’t get it. So she dumbed it down and explained that he’d get SO much more out of a relationship if he only got to KNOW the girls first and let them get to know him as well.

David finds those suggestions “interesting”. The life coach also hates the painting, so for now, he’s moving it down. For NOW.

Patti gives Brett a call to go over his date tonight. Some subjects to talk about, etc. She calls David. He lies and says that she taught him how to pick up lots of women.

First date: David and Katy. I like Katy’s dress (random). They go to this little restaurant that has art all over the walls that is clearly from varying artists. I like most of them. Then he brings her to one of a little boy, with suspenders, no less, curled up in a hayfield with his eyes closed, dog by his side. He asked what she thought of it. Thank God that wasn’t me, because I’m always brutally honest. She said she liked it. Then he unveiled that he painted it.

TIME the hell OUT. You signed your name so big in the bottom left corner it was like kindergarten all over again.

Then he tells her… in this tone of voice that suggests he is giving her the Hope Diamond… that he is giving this gift to her. She plays the dumb blonde “OMG are you serious?” *yawn* and thanks him profusely. I bet the restaurant will be glad that piece of crap is off their walls.

Brett started his date, but it had only barely started when we went back to David and Katy. David does everything SO over the top. But maybe that’s just my style. I wouldn’t want to b wined and dined like that. I am a simple girl. After a couple of questions that are so vague I can’t recall them, David asked Katy what she thought about Brett, since she’d had a mini date with him as well. Katy said “He was nice”. (good save) Then David wants to know if she had to choose between Brett or him, who would it be? I don’t think Katy was prepared for this one, because her answer started off as, “Ummm… Ummmmm…. Ummmmmm. … “

We flash back to Brett and Melanie. I’m not seeing ANY chemistry here. They’re discussing places they’ve visited, etc. He didn’t seem pleased that she hadn’t been to New York but was happy she liked LA.

Flashback to David and Katy. I guess they let that question drop, because now we’re talking about something else. He informs us that the life coach told him he needs to let these girls know he’s not just some player and that he does want a wife someday. So basically those are the words he spit out of his mouth. “I would like to have a wife someday and a family”. Katy is pleased by this. Off camera, she reveals that she had her doubts about this date but that it has really turned out nicely so far.

Back to Brett and Melanie. She wants to know his next trip. India, Stockholm, and he’ll spend an extra few days there just hanging out. She asked why he picked her and he said he was really looking for someone who liked to travel. Be spontaneous. Try new things. Etc.

Melanie (I’m loving her) says, “Ok… I need to talk to you about a few things. Just tonight alone, you have mentioned that you like to “try new things” at least 7 or 8 times.

“I like new things”, he says (oh shit… he has no idea what he’s walking into)

Melanie, “Now see… since you’re always looking for new things, I can see you always looking for a new girlfriend as well. “

*crickets chirp* You gotta admit, that’s one hell of a good point and one he never saw coming.

She asked what his longest relationship was. It was 6-7 months. She asked if he was able to commit? *silence*

Patti ALWAYS follows up on the dates to see how they went, and she always calls the girls first because she knows that’s from where the most truth will come. She called Melanie first and she said it was “good” but she didn’t feel a lot of chemistry and felt like he was noncommittal. And not ready at this stage in his life. Patti thanks her and says she’ll fix her up with somebody later this week (that’s how the organization works. Once you’re in Patti’s database, even though you aren’t a millionaire, she works to find you a good guy too)

Brett heads to Patti’s office and they go back for some privacy. Patti lets him know right away that Melanie says it didn’t go so well. . He said he felt like they just didn’t have much chemistry. (I am so sick of the word “chemistry” when it comes to love). They didn’t click, yadda yadda. Patti explains to him AGAIN that if he’s roaming here and there all the time, he CAN’T form a lasting bond with anybody and that he needs to think hard about it and decide what he wants. If he wants love… she can find it for him. But if he’s not at that place, then he needs to know that. He says he thinks he needs to step away and see what he thinks about his lifestyle vs. a family. She said that his business would have to take a backseat to love. I thought we were gonna have to whip out those heart attack paddles. He is not pleased. And I don’t think he’ll remain a member of the club. $25,000 thank you very much, nice doing business with you! Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out!

Now Patti’s calling Katy about her date with David. Katy said it went really well and said she thought the life coach did a good job. He seemed more serious. Patti wished them the best and that was it. Now she’s got David in her office.

She asks how the date went. “We had some champagne. It was very sexy… very sweet… “. Patti blurts out, “You didn’t have SEX with her, did you??” (I’m having SNL Church Lady flashbacks) and he said no… that it was just very chill and very cool. He confessed that Patti’s way was more fulfilling. Patti is VERY pleased with David now and David left the office with everybody very happy.

As the show wrapped up, we get a written summary.
“David and Katy only went on one more date… but remain friends.
David is still looking for his perfect match.”

“Brett and Melanie never saw each other again.
Brett’s dog Haley remains the #1 woman in his life.”

This season on Millionaire Matchmaker… LOTS to look forward to.

For the first time ever… FEMALE millionaires picking out men. Some SPECTACULAR looking dates. And I can’t help but laugh, but it shows one guy she’s helped THREE times now. He’s back again… still not finding love and still paying to be a member. Patti says “If I were a genie in a bottle and could grant you a wish, what would it be?” His answer “Uhhhhh” (Everybody knows you ask for unlimited wishes… geeez) And she shrieked “NO DUMMY! To fall in LOVE!”

Hope you guys learn to love this show as much as I do! See ya next time! Comes on Bravo, Thursdays at 9 pm central.

Featured, THE BACHELOR, TV Recaps »

The Bachelor (Jason) – Final 3 Girls: Jillian, Melissa, and Molly (2/16/09).

Hi, I’m Jillian Madison, and I’m live-blogging The Bachelor: the final 3 girls for Pophangover. Let’s do it!

Tonight on The Bachelor, Jason is taking the 3 girls to New Zealand for “exotic overnight dates.” Translation: Jason is going to have a lot of sex, with 3 different women.

8:08: …and we’re still recapping the last 2 episodes. Because apparently, we all have memory problems. “What? Jillian made Jason eat a hot dog? When did THAT happen?”

8:13: Oh look, Molly is wearing another argyle sweater. And so is her father. The apple doesn’t fall far from the golf cart. (Yes, we’re still recapping. No wonder this show is 2 hours.)

8:15: Jason and Jillian are on a helicopter tour of New Zealand. Mountains, ocean, and sky. It’s majestic and gorgeous. Jillian’s wearing a flannel shirt – maybe she’s planning on chopping some wood for a cozy fire later.

8:19: Jason just said Jillian was someone he could “be friends with forever” – but he is looking for more “passion.”

8:23: Jason and Jillian are at a winery. They’re talking about boring things. I hate her off-white dress; it looks like a hospital bed sheet.

8:27: Jillian decided to spend the night with Jason to “see if they connect physically.” Why so technical? You’re having sex, not setting up a wireless network in your office.

8:29: Jason and Jill are making out in the hot tub. Cheesy porn music is playing in the background. I’m not even kidding.

8:35: We’re back from commercial, and Jason and Molly are now making out under an umbrella, -ella, -ella, hey hey hey.

8:36: Molly and Jason are bungee jumping off of a HUGE ASS BRIDGE. Molly looks mortified.

8:38: They’re about to jump off the bridge. Either it’s cold, or Jason’s terrified, because his nipples are poking through his shirt and could possibly cut glass. Oh, they jumped, and it was really underwhelming.

8:40: Molly brought a “list of questions” for Jason. And she’s not kidding. There are like 50 questions on her list. “If you could eat only 1 food for the rest of your life…” – HAMBURGER. “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” -Peanut butter and chocolate. Um, did she get this off of a MYSPACE SURVEY?

8:41: She asked Jason, “What is your dream car?” and he responded, “A MUSTANG.” Um, ew, that’s a dealbreaker for me. I’ll no longer be live blogging. Sorry.

8:42: Ok, I reconsidered. I’m back. Did you miss me?

8:43: Molly is still asking questions. Their interaction is forced and fake and awkward to listen to. She said she had one more question, but was going to “save it until later.” What could it be? “How many argyle sweaters do you own?” or “You have to hit a golf ball 50 yards, would you use a 5 iron or a 6 iron?”

8:48: Jason and Molly are at dinner. The conversation is slllooowww. I feel like I’m eavesdropping in on a really bad first date.

8:50: Molly said she’s not part of a “mushy gushy family.” Um, is she talking about their bodies?

8:53: Ooh, Molly asked the final question: “Will you spend the night with me?” Of course, Jason said yes. They’re walking arm in arm to the suite – and I feel like I’m watching an arranged marriage that’s about to be consummated.

8:59: Back from commercial, and Jason is meeting Melissa in a really pretty park. He picked her up and is spinning her around, and they look happy. In other words, the complete opposite of his date with Molly.

9:01: Melissa and Jason are on Winston Churchill’s old boat, sailing around beautiful New Zealand… while I’m sitting in my office, shifting my body weight around on a really uncomfortable Ikea couch. Be honest, who would you rather be right now?

9:04: Jason keeps saying how disappointed he is that he didn’t get to meet Melissa’s family. Oh, wait, his tongue is down his throat. Seems like he’s getting over it just fine.

9:05: They’re drinking champagne in a hot tub in a spa, overlooking a sweeping New Zealand vista. Melissa is getting choked up over the fact that her parents didn’t want to “be a part of this.” What is wrong with her parents? Are they in the fucking witness protection program?

9:12: I can’t help but wonder… how bad would it suck for one of these girls if they had THEIR PERIOD for the overnight date? Jason insinuated he couldn’t completely fall in love with someone without meeting their parents. Could he fall in love with someone without sleeping with them? All signs point to no.

9:15: Melissa agreed to spend the night with Jason in the fantasy suite. Melissa told Jason she’s “never felt like this” and that she’s “absolutely fallen in love with him.” He cut her off with a kiss, like he always does. He replied with, “you’re amazing…” which is one step below “DITTO.”

9:30: Each girl made video messages for Jason. Jill said, “Hey babe, thanks for showing me what it feels like to fall in love again.” Molly said, “Hey J, I had an amazing time, you made it easy for me to open up, and I’m serious about you.” Melissa said, “I want to thank you for making it so easy for me to talk with you and fall in love with you. Thank you for being you, I Miss you and I love you.” Jason is sweating profusely. He looks like he’s going to pass out.

9:38: Another 8 minutes of commercials. Literally. These are the longest commercial breaks I have ever seen in my life.

9:40: Three nervous women. Two red roses. And a partridge in a pear tree.

9:41: Jason: “You 3 are the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, inside and out, and I am falling for all 3 of you for different reasons. I have to do one of the most selfish things that I’ve ever done, and that’s break one of your hearts tonight.” And with that, he reached for a rose.

9:42: First rose goes to… MELISSA.

9:42: Second rose goes to… MOLLY. Jillian is OUT! They’re sitting on a bench, and Jason said “Sorry. I’ve never met anyone like you before, like, ever. But our lives are a little bit different.” Jill said, “I don’t think our lives are that different. I have fallen in love with you which I’ve never been able to do before in my life. I just had a dream where Ty tried on a pair of my shoes, and then we took a nap, and blah blah blah…” Sure. Go back to Canada with some dignity Jillian, eh?

And, that’s it for this week. The final 10 minutes of this episode will be preview clips from next week’s reunion show, and from the finale episode which airs in two weeks. Molly and Melissa go to Jason’s hometown to meet Jason’s family. Oh yeah, and Deanna Pappas shows up again and tries to win Jason back. Hold onto your seats guys, this is gettin’ good.

(If you want to read a spoiler on who Jason picks, and gets engaged to, just click here and watch the video.)