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People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

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Paul Watson and his team of inept Whale Wars minions are the biggest idiots on the high seas. They cruise around the ocean like a bunch of 7 year old boys,  throwing stink bombs at Japanese whaling ships like it’s really going to stop them from whaling. Even worse, captain Paul Watson knows his crew has little to no experience operating the smaller speedboats, yet he forces them to launch the boats and chase down the Japanese ships – even in the worst weather conditions possible. He just sits there, locked away diddling on his laptop locked away in his little office, while his inexperienced crew is out there doing all the hard work. I’m honestly shocked no one’s been killed or seriously injured under this douchebag’s command.

The Sea Shepherd has a new boat in its arsenal of money wasters: the Ady Gil, a high-tech speedboat that resembles the Batmobile. The Ady Gil was crusing around Commonwealth Bay, when it was struck by a Japanese ship and had half of its bow sheared off. Six crewmembers had to be evacuated, and the boat was destroyed. At least one crewmember suffered broken ribs.

The liars at the Sea Shepherd claimed the Japanese deliberately rammed them, but experts studied the tape and determined the Ady Gil was moving toward the Japanese ship just before the collision.

I’m all for the prevention of whaling, but there’s got to be a better way than driving around the ocean in your imitation fiberglass Batmobile, playing chicken with a 5,000 ton steel ship. In this case, these idiots finally got what they deserved.

In other news, Bob Barker just donated $5 million to Paul Watson so he could buy another 1,200 ton boat. As a result, in the coming months, hopefully Paul Watson and the rest of his crew will be spayed or neutered.

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New episodes of Man Vs Wild start on Discovery on Wednesday at 9, and if this video is any indication, this could be one of the craziest seasons yet. While stranded on a raft somewhere off the coast of Panama, Bear Grylls gives himself an enema. With rancid old water. That’s contaminated with bird feces.

Bear explains, “The colon absorbs water. This should only ever be used as a last resort, but there are stories of this saving peoples’ lives.” Really? Where’s that? In a Steven King novel?

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When it comes to famous people, bisexuality is usually the first stop on the train to gaytown. I already thought Jillian Michaels was a lesbian, so her recent interview with Ladies Home Journal about her sexuality didn’t really surprise me. Jillian said she doesn’t care about the gender of the person she falls in love with, as long as they have a healthy relationship:

Let’s just say I believe in healthy love. If I fall in love with a woman, that’s awesome. If I fall in love with a man, that’s awesome. As long as you fall in love…it’s like organic food. I only eat healthy food, and I only want healthy love!

Season 9 of The Biggest Loser starts tonight on NBC, and the contestants are fatter than ever. Tune in to watch the crazy open-to-bisexuality trainer whip their heterosexual asses into shape.

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NBC just announced the official castmembers of Celebrity Apprentice 3, sadly, none of which are Joan Rivers:

Governor Rod Blagojevich is there to give your grandparents someone to cheer for, celebrity chef Curtis Stone is there to give your mother someone to drool over, and Victoria’s Secret model Selita Ebanks is there to give your younger brother someone to fantasize about. Sharon Osbourne’s there because Ozzy just wouldn’t be able to hack it.

The season also boasts Darryl Strawberry, baseball player and all around boring guy; Holly Robinson Peete, an actress that I’ve never heard of before in my life; Cyndi Lauper, because middle aged ex-rock stars just wanna have fun; Bret Michaels, who’s clearly bored now that Rock Of Love is over; and wrestlers Goldberg and Maria Kanellis who are clearly only there to help out in case a Bret Michaels party gets out of hand.

Michael Johnson and Summer Sanders are this year’s token Olympians. Comedians Carol Leifer and Sinbad, who haven’t really been funny since the Clinton adminstration, round out the group.

The season starts on March 14 2010 on NBC.

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This is the infamous “Sookie Getting Punched” animated GIF from Jersey Shore, MTV’s newest show centered around filming the real life of whores and douchebags.

The incident happened on August 19, 2009 at the Beachcomber Bar & Grill in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. The guy is named Brad Ferro, and according to TMZ, he was arrested, fined $500, and given 6 months probation. The girl is Nicole Polizzi, er, SNOOKI, and she allegedly got punched because she wouldn’t let Brad take her drink.

When I first saw the clip, I thought she got punched because of her hideous Ed Hardy hat. Talk about “a situation.”

These people are soooooo classy!