Hey – I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live blogging tonight’s episode of Survivor: Tocantins (episode #1803). Candace was kicked off last week. 14 contestants remain.

8:02 pm: This episode of Survivor is sponsored by Bounty, with 25% thicker quilts to clean up the copious amounts of Coach’s BS we’re all about to endure.

8:07: Everyone on Timbira hates Erinn because she was friends with Candace. Ah yes, nothing like watching 30 year olds act like 7th grade.

8:10: Jalapao has no clue how to use their fishing net. So far, they’ve only managed to catch two tiny minnows.

8:13: Challenge time! More of the same. They’re blindfolded, and have to make their way through a maze and fill barrels with corn, while one other team member screams directions. They’re playing for chairs, an umbrella, and blankets.

8:16: Corn is flying around everywhere. Orville Redenbacher must be rolling over in his grave.

8:17: Does no one know the difference between RIGHT and LEFT anymore?

8:18: Jalapao won reward. Finally. Now they can eat their 2 nasty minnows on comfortable lawn chairs. They’re sending Brendan to Exile, and he picked Taj to join him. Again.

8:19: Is this the COACH show? Why do I feel like he’s the only one I know by name?

8:23: Coach just told Tyson he was his “assistant coach” as horrible, lilting banjo music played in the background. Tyson’s southern accent made it seem just like a scene out of Deliverance.

8:26: Meanwhile, on Exile, Brendan and Taj got a clue that said the hidden immunity idol was “surrounded by wood.” So maybe they should start searching in Coach’s pants.

8:32: Immunity challenge! The contestants have to endure one entire episode of this BORING season of Survivor. Whichever team stays awake the longest, wins.

8:33: Kidding. 2 members of each tribe have to roll giant crates across a field. They then have to use those crates to make a staircase. First team to get all their members across wins immunity.

8:37: Jalapao won immunity. Again. And just like every other season on Survivor, one team wins everything while the other tribe suffers.

8:42: Jerry doesn’t feel good. He said he feels like there are 2 boxers “boxin’ around” in his stomach.

8:44: COACH, SHUT THE F*CK UP. Stop referring to Tyson as your “assistant coach.” Look around. Does it look like you’re on a soccer field? Do you see grass? Or Brandi Chastain’s sports bra?

8:47: Brendan randomly found the hidden immunity idol in the tree mail statue. Incredibly anticlimactic.

8:47: Timbira is split into two groups. Those who want to send Jerry home because his stomach hurts, and those who want Coach to have an embolism and die.

8:49: Ew. Tyson just said he wanted to send Erinn home, because he “loves seeing people cry when you crush their dreams.” What a sadistic, punk-ass bitch. Who says something like that?

8:52: Coach… the only person alive with an ego bigger than Oprah Winfrey.

Third person voted off Survivor Tocantins: JERRY.

That’s it for this (boring) episode… we’ll see you next week for more Survivor!

Hey – I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live blogging tonight’s episode of Survivor: Tocantins. We’re switching to “COVER IT NOW” for live blogging, which means you won’t have to hit refresh every 4 seconds. Let’s do it!

8:00: The Tocantins are in Brazil, and it’s pronounced “token-cheens.”

8:01: The contestants have been pre-assigned tribes, and the tribe names are Timbira (black) and Jalapao (red). I’m calling them TIMBER and JALAPENO because they’re easier to spell, and they make me laugh. Because I’m 12.

8:03: Big blue truck transporting the Survivors in. The truck is loaded with supplies; they have 60 seconds to gather as much as they can. One guy has a bunch of bananas. Another has a huge pile of wood. So… much… going… on. It’s like Supermarket Sweep in a junkyard.

8:04: Each team gets a map and a compass to their new home. It’s a four-hour trek to the camps.

8:05: They’re already having a vote – and Jeff said one person is going home before they even start heading to camps. This elimination vote is based strictly on first impressions.

8:08: Sandy the old woman got picked from Jalapeno, and Sierra, the blonde with strep throat, got picked for Timber. Sierra said she “could have brought a lot to this team.” You mean other than the millions of bacteria swimming around in your throat?

8:10: HOLD THE PHONE, THERE’S A TWIST – Sandy and Sierra aren’t getting thrown off the show… they’re getting flown to camp in a helicopter. They’re excited, but Jeff reminds them they shouldn’t be celebrating because they’re just outcasts that the teams wanted to get rid of. Nice, Jeff. Way to ruin a moment. (Expect to see Jeff Probst filling in for Debbie Downer on this weekend’s episode of SNL.)

8:13: One guy just said he was in the Army and “had 100 men under him.” Whoa buddy, keep that shit to yourself. This is a family show.

8:14: COACH is really annoying already. He’s talking about Samurai warriors and honor and glory and battle. Calm down, COACH. This is Survivor, not Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

8:20: Sandy found a letter that said she could either start to set up camp (to win favor with her tribe), or look for a hidden immunity idol. Girlfriend didn’t even finish the letter before she made up her mind to look for the idol.

8:21: Sierra got the same letter, and decided to set up camp instead of looking for the idol.

8:23: See? Even the Survivors are calling it JALAPENO now.

8:25: Sierra built 2 huge shelters for everyone on her tribe, but COACH already decided she has to go. I don’t like this guy. He’s like the love child of Steven Segal, and the creepy Native American dude from Poltergeist.

8:29: How long ’til the SWV bandmember starts singing “Human Nature?”

8:30: Sandy told her tribe she had to go to the bathroom, but she really escaped to the beach to search for the idol. She found another clue that said, “proceed 10 paces” but has no clue what a “pace” is. Wow. This woman couldn’t find her ass in the dark without a flashlight.

8:33: Tyson, the cyclist Mormon from Utah, is a total Matthew McConaughey wanna-be.

8:35: The first challenge – they have to fetch pieces to a staircase, put the staircase together, and get the entire team across. It looks grueling, and Probst said it’s 120 degrees. I’m sure glad I’m sitting on my ass drinking a margarita.

8:38: Timber won, but not by much. Someone from Jalapeno will be kicked off tonight at the first tribal council.

8:40: More commercials. I’m so sick of seeing the dweeb in the Kay Jewelers commercial, who gives his girlfriend the pink ballerina jewelry box. It’s not clever, buddy. It’s corny.

8:45: Taj just called Carolina out on being the whiny little bitch that she is.

8:47: Some of the boys are now talking about getting rid of Carolina instead of Sandy. Please, Survivor people, get rid of Carolina. Her voice is OBNOXIOUS. She sounds like an oompa loompa that’s permanently inhaling helium.

8:51: Everyone looks filthy… except for Taj. She looks like she just spent a day at the spa. I don’t get it.

8:54: Sandy dodged a bullet. First person voted out of Survivor Tocantins: CAROLINA. Bye bye. Tell Willy Wonka I said hi.

See you next week for more Survivor: Tocantins Live Blogging!

Survivor: Tocantins (The Brazilian Highlands) premieres on February 12 at 8pm on CBS. So let’s meet the contestants and make petty comments about them based solely on their appearances!

Benjamin “Coach” Wade (37)
“I would blow Steven Segal if he ever asked me to.”

Brendan Synnott (30)
“Look how soft my faux vintage t-shirt is.”

Candace Smith (31)
“I know my boobs are droopy, but I keep it real.”

Carolina Eastwood (26)
“Do these hibiscus flowers make my ass look smaller?”
(more…)

The winner of Survivor Gabon was named tonight: 57 year old BOB CROWLEY from Portland, Maine. He took home the $1 million prize after receiving 4 votes from the jury. Susie received 3 votes, and Sugar got ZERO votes.

The most memorable part of the final episode came at Tribal Council when Corinne addressed the final 3 contestants. She told Sugar: “You are an unemployed, uneducated, leech on society, and the only thing I’d ever give you is a handful of antidepressants so it would seem a little more believable when you cry about your dead father.” Ouch.

Corinne also told Susie she’d give her a vote if Susie promised to have her “vocal chords removed.”
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Survivor: Brazil has already wrapped filming, and will air in 2009.

Survivor: Gabon Episode #1712 recap (12/11/08): “The Good Guys Should Win In The End”

8:00 pm: Last week, Corinne got kicked off Survivor because she tried to play a fake immunity idol. And because she sucks.

8:02: Kenny still thinks he’s calling the shots. Too bad this isn’t Halo 3, Kenny. It’s Survivor.

8:06: Bob just told Kenny he’ll give him the immunity idol if he wins it at the next challenge, because he “felt bad” for lying to him. I’m sorry, I disagree with Bob here. If you want to be a good person, go be a monk. If you want to win Survivor, DON’T GO GIVING SOMEONE YOUR IMMUNITY IDOL.

8:08: This week’s reward challenge: more of the same. Running through a swamp, finding balls, and throwing them basketball-style into a hoop. First person to sink 3 balls gets a helicopter tour to see gorillas.

8:10: Once again, Olympic athlete Crystal is SUCKING at this athletic challenge. So go ahead and add “play basketball” to the list of things Crystal can’t do.

8:11: BOB won reward, and chose CRYSTAL to go with him… even though she didn’t even sink ONE basket. Bob also picked Kenny to go with him, and he sent Susie to Exile Island.

8:19: No, I didn’t die… NOTHING has happened over the last 8 minutes.

8:20: Bob, Kenny, and Crystal are looking at gorillas. Bob said he felt a connection with the great apes, and it “rocked his soul.” I think he had too much vodka with his mangoes at lunch.

8:21: Sugar’s huge stomach is pouring out over her shorts. It’s a Survivor muffin top! Oh look, more commercials!

8:27: I hate Crystal and Kenny. Just thought I’d share.

8:28: Sugar is crying, because Crystal is yelling at Matty. She has seen the light! Sugar is now on Matty’s side! The two have a new plan to take out Crystal first.

8:30: This week’s immunity challenge: oh look, an obstacle course! AND A PUZZLE! Except this week, they’re blindfolded. They have to use their hands to study a mask, and then re-create that mask at the end of an obstacle course. This is like some creepy Survivor version of Lionel Richie’s “HELLO” video.

8:32: ONCE AGAIN, CRYSTAL CAN NOT COMPLETE THE OBSTACLE COURSE. She is completely useless.

8:35: BOB won immunity for the 4th time in a row.

8:40: Kenny wants to get the immunity necklace from Bob, and then vote him out. Sugar is running to Bob to tell him Kenny’s plan. Aaaannnnd, she’s crying again.

8:43: Sugar is totally playing everybody. As much as I dislike her, she’s the mastermind of this game. Not Kenny.

8:45: HOW DOES SUGAR HAVE A NEW OUTFIT EVERY DAMN DAY? Tonight, she’s rolling up to tribal council in a Flintstones leopard print dress.

8:46: Meanwhile, in the jury, Randy has a mohawk. The sides of his head are totally shaven. He looks like a psychopath who’d be arrested after firing off shots from a bell tower.

8:49: Bob is KEEPING the immunity idol.

8:51: I still LOATHE Kenny and Crystal.

8:52: Sugar played her immunity idol from Exile Island, because it was the last night to do so. She gave the hidden immunity idol to MATTY. This is great. The jury just ate it up.

8:53: Matty didn’t need the immunity idol because CRYSTAL was voted off of Survivor. Peace out, honey.

See you next week for more SURVIVOR…

Survivor: Gabon Episode #1711 recap (12/4/08)

8:00: I feel like I haven’t seen this show forever. That whole “Thanksgiving break” thing really threw me for a loop. Wait, who are these people?

8:02-8:05: Recap time. Two weeks ago, Randy was voted off after playing the fake idol (one of the funniest Tribal Councils ever!) Now, Corinne and Sugar are fighting. I’m not sure which one I dislike more.

8:06: Kenny just caught a huge catfish. I can almost hear Paula Deen salivating from here.

8:07: Reward Challenge time. This week, it involves more running, obstacles, and flags. YAWN.

8:09: They’re playing to win a CELL PHONE. More specifically… a Samsung Instinct by Sprint, loaded with messages from home! Nothing like blatant product placement shoved down your throat, eh?

8:12: They split into two teams. No one picked Corinne, so she’ll have no chance at winning the great SAMSUNG INSTINCT BY SPRINT!

8:14: People are running through the mud collecting puzzle pieces. I’ll take this opportunity to let you know Sprint has the WORLD’S WORST customer service. They were my cell phone provider for 2 miserable years. Getting ahold of someone who spoke English was harder than my Organic Chemistry final in college.

8:16: Oh, look, they’re doing another puzzle. What is this, Sesame Street? Or playtime in the waiting room at a pediatrician’s office?

8:16: Crystal, Sugar, and Bob are working on another slide puzzle. And the winner is… BOB. He won a SAMSUNG INSTINCT BY SPRINT! and some pizza, beer, and brownies.

8:17: Kenny is so skinny, I feel like I can see his organs sticking through his skin. And yet Crystal and Sugar look like they just got back from a week on the Norwegian Dawn. I don’t get it.

8:20: Bob’s wife IS THERE. Like, IN AFRICA. She just said, “Bob smells so good. He smells like a CAMPFIRE.” After not showering for 31 days, I’m sure Bob smells like a lot of things, but I don’t know if “a campfire” is one of them.

8:21: Bob whistled and suddenly everyone’s clean family members emerged from behind some trees. Everyone is hugging and reuniting. It’s like the arrivals gate at JFK.

8:23: Kenny’s sister has the BIGGEST BOOBS I’ve ever seen on an Asian woman in my life. I’m a girl, so I can say that without it coming off as sexist, right?

8:24: OMG. Sugar is crying again. And she and her sister just sprinkled some of her dad’s ASHES into muddy water. Crystal’s sister unfortunately has a huge weight problem. Dr. Phil might say she “eats her feelings.”

8:25: Everyone is fawning over Matty’s girlfriend, but I don’t think she’s anything special. I guess when you’re in Africa for months, anything starts to look good. Can someone tell me why she’s dressed like she’s *ON* Survivor?

8:26: Matty is WHIPPED. He’s whimpering, “I want to share everything with you, I want to share a family. I want to know right now, will you be my wife? I really love you!” She accepted. She’s laughing. He’s bawling. Guess who wears the pants in that relationship?

8:27: “The good things in life aren’t easy.” -Matty, borrowed from Joni Mitchell

8:32: Bob has some elaborate plan to make a 2nd fake idol and try to convince people that it’s the original idol that was thrown in the ocean a few episodes ago. Give it up, Bob.

8:33: Immunity challenge: QUESTIONS ABOUT GABON. Every time you answer a question right, you get a ball which you then throw into a bulls eye. Closest ball to the center wins.

8:38: BOB WON IMMUNITY. He needed it, because the 5 were planning on voting him out.

8:39: Bob just said, “I’m going to try to get 2 people to vote with Corinne and I.” CORINNE AND I? I think you meant “Corinne and ME,” Mr. College Professor.

8:41: I just thought of something. If all of their family members were there in Africa, there was absolutely ZERO need for Jeff Probst to spend 20 minutes talking about that stupid SAMSUNG INSTINCT FROM SPRINT.

8:44: Corinne is trying to convince Kenny that she has a real idol and to take out Matty, and HE’S FALLING FOR IT. Corinne is right, there is no way this plan should have worked. What a bunch of morons.

8:46: Wait, where the hell does Bob keep getting all these beads and medallions to make fake shit?

8:52: Tribal council! NO ONE played a “hidden” immunity idol. Kenny knows he’s been had. Good. Maybe now he’ll stop referring to himself as the “greatest strategist in Survivor history.”

8:54: 12th person voted out of Survivor Gabon: CORINNE. Bob’s lame plan failed. Matty is pissed, and you better believe I’d be too. On the upside, I’m glad this bitch is gone. Now everyone knows Bob lied to them bigtime. Even if he makes it to the final 2, he’ll never win the million. Too bad, so sad.

See you next week for more Survivor Gabon!