FOOD, HELL'S KITCHEN, TELEVISION »

Gordon Ramsay is currently searching for people to humiliate on Season 5 of Hell’s Kitchen. And just in case you were looking for more proof that Hell’s Kitchen is not a “serious” cooking show, here you go:

According to their website, they are looking for  “outspoken, competitive, and engaging men and women, 21 and over.” And guess what? Prior cooking experience is “PREFERRED.” Preferred!!?? You mean no culinary experience is required for this COOKING SHOW? None at all?!

Can’t tell the difference between chicken and beef? No problem! Apply to be on Hell’s Kitchen anyway! Did you sever your left index finger last time you tried to butter your toast? That’s ok! You, too, might soon be executive chef of a brand new restaurant. Good luck!

We are searching for outspoken, competitive, and engaging men and women, 21 and over, with varying culinary experience. Applicants must be passionate about food and aim to become the next winner of “Hell’s Kitchen.” Food lovers, experienced chefs, cooks, fast food and cafeteria workers, private chefs, weekend gourmets, caterers, are all encouraged to email hellskitchen@theconlincompany.com or call 866-226-2226 for more information. Prior cooking experience preferred.

HELL'S KITCHEN, TV Recaps »

Who won Hell’s Kitchen Season 4? CHRISTINA MACHAMER!

I’ve been confident that she’d be the winner for the past few weeks now. In fact, last week, I said I’d eat my shoe and put the video on YouTube if Petrozza won. Thankfully I won’t have to do that. My sneakers aren’t pretty.

This week, we picked up right where we left off last week – with Petrozza trying to choose between Matt and Jen. He ultimately chose Jen, which left Matty-Boy standing there like the loser kid no one wanted on their kickball team in 4th grade.

Christina’s team: Matt, Corey, and Louross
Petrozza’s team: Ben, Bobby, and Jen

Dinner preparation in the kitchen was like a circus sideshow. Jen was asking Ramsay to write a recommendation for her, Matt was doing some pitiful impersonation of Apu from The Simpsons, and Louross was trying to use a knife sharpener to make his mohawk pointier. Meanwhile, Petrozza and Corey were panicking like they were at the disco.

Ramsay then took each chef on a final walkthrough of their self-designed “dream restaurant.” Christina transformed her half of Hell’s Kitchen into what looked like the set of a 20/20 interview, while Petrozza made his half look like the funeral parlor in Six Feet Under. No joke. There were cheap, fake flowers from A.C. Moore hanging from the ceiling, sprinkled on the tabletops, and plastered on the wallpaper. My grandmother would have loved it. She’s 90. And legally blind in one eye.

Dinner service was very boring and uneventful. It was 20 minutes of Matt undercooking fish and Petrozza pretending to be authoritative, while Ramsay gave blow by blows. I found it incredibly annoying that Ramsay was TALKING INTO THE WRONG CAMERA the whole time. I felt like I was watching the host of Iron Chef, after drinking one too many saki’s.

In the end, Ramsay said the dinner service was filled with more highs than lows… sort of like a dinner party with Snoop Dogg. He also said the decision he had to make was “sheer torture.” I’m so sure.

Christina and Petrozza nervously stepped up to the doors, as Ramsay whispered like he was doing voiceover work for a new Ron Jeremy porno movie. He said, “Walk up to the door… mmhmm keep going… Put your hand on the door but don’t turn the handle… just like that…”

After the commercial break, the final two were instructed to turn the doorknob and… CHRISTINA’S DOOR OPENED! Cut to shots of confetti falling, music playing, and Christina’s mother crying like she just got done getting interviewed by Dr. Phil. Petrozza was a gracious loser. He gave the obligatory “congratulations” speech, but you can tell he was pissed. So close, but so far away, Petrozza.

So there you have it! Another season of Hell’s Kitchen has come to an end. We’ll see you next year for Season 5!

-POPHANGOVER

HELL'S KITCHEN, TV Recaps »

Hells Kitchen Episode #414 Review and Recap

Another week – another episode of Hell’s Kitchen! We picked off where we left up last week… with the restaurant being divided in half like Jennifer Aniston’s record collection in The Break Up.

The mission: each contestant had to create their dream restaurant, from the menus to the wallpaper to the waitstaff’s uniforms. Christina told the designer she wanted her restaurant to have “simple, elegant warm colors.” Petrozza demanded “flowers and candles.” Sounds lovely. Is he going to be cooking dinner or performing a seance to reconnect with his dead grandmother?

The final 2 soon found themselves on a private plane en route to Ramsay’s restaurant in New York City. Petrozza, Christina, and Ramsay were livin’ it up, drinking champagne and reminiscing about their trials and tribulations in Hell’s Kitchen. Ramsay told Petrozza he was the “dirtiest pig” he’s ever seen, and reminded us that Christina won more challenges than any other Hell’s Kitchen contestant (9). Her head then swelled like a wave off the coast of Oahu. They are so sleeping together.

Before long, the plane landed and they were in a limo driving to Times Square as a bunch of NYC stock footage played in the background. We saw the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, and a very quick shot of a Hasidic Jew walking out of an electronics store. Ramsay said that he had “a surprise” for Christina and Petrozza – and directed their attention to the huge Jumbotron in Times Square just in time for them to see it displaying a lame text graphic of their names.

Ramsay then congratulated the two for making it this far, and surprised them with a random trip to Dubai. In a voiceover, Christina said, “That’s awesome… but where’s Dubai?” I would make fun of her, but I can’t point it out on a map either. Oh shut up. Neither can you.

Petrozza and Christina then made their signature dishes at Ramsay’s restaurant. Petrozza made filet mignon with onion risotto, while Christina prepared a NY strip steak with sweet corn succotash. The dishes then went head to head in a taste-testing challenge, judged by the executive chefs from 5 of Ramsay’s restaurants. Christina was acting SO cocky (think Tom Cruise in Top Gun) and said, “I have this one in the bag.”

Back the bus up, Christina! Despite decorating his plates with really LAME paint brushes made out of leeks and sliced onions, Petrozza won the challenge by a score of 3-2. Cut to a shot of Christina looking more dejected than a waiter after seeing Rachael Ray seated in his section.

All of a sudden… out of nowhere… WHOOPI GOLDBERG showed up. She made a loop around the restaurant, shook a few hands, and said, “I’m excited for both of you.” She then mysteriously disappeared. It made no sense. Her whole appearance was retarded, out of place, and unnecessary. Run along. Go make fun of Joy Behar on The View.

Christina and Petrozza then hopped on a plane and headed back to California to see how their restaurants were looking. Petrozza’s decorations were HIDEOUS. His walls were covered in this HIDEOUS floral wallpaper, accented by even more hideous draperies and silk flowers. It looked like the grieving room at a WAKE. And guess what? He loved it. What a moron.

Christina, on the other hand, was freaking out because she didn’t like the stripes on her walls. “I don’t want stripes! Get rid of these stripes! I hate stripes,” said the girl wearing the BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED SHIRT. I rest my case.

The next morning, ex-contestants Bobby, Ben, Corey, Matt, Louross, and Jen found themselves back in Hell’s Kitchen as the sous chef pool for the final competition. Since Petrozza won the cooking challenge back in NY, he got to choose first. He picked Bobby, and then Christina chose Corey. Petrozza chose Ben, and then Christina chose Louross. That left Matt and Jen standing there like two kids no one wanted on their kickball team in 5th grade.

And that’s how the episode ended! What a let down!

Stay tuned next week, when Jen and Matt and the rest of the rejects help determine who will be the next Hell’s Kitchen winner. Frankly, I’m still going with CHRISTINA to win. I think the producers of the show wanted her to win all along, and they just rigged the NYC challenge to let Petrozza win one so it wouldn’t look like Christina was winning everything.

But then again, I could be wrong. See you next week for the finale of Hell’s Kitchen!

HELL'S KITCHEN, TV Recaps »

The final three! Corey, Christina, and Petrozza each had a turn running the kitchen. Christina did the best, Corey did the worst, and Petrozza was unremarkable.

In the end, COREY was kicked off Hells Kitchen. Next week, Christina and Petrozza will redesign Hells Kitchen, create their own menus, and be reunited with Jen, Corey, Bobby, Ben, Matt, and Louross.

Stay tuned – the full episode review will be posted soon!

HELL'S KITCHEN, TV Recaps »

Hells Kitchen Episode #413 Review and Recap

ALTERNATIVELY TITLED: THE NONSTOP KISSING OF CHRISTINA’S ASS

And then there were three! This week’s episode started off with Christina, Corey, and Petrozza chain smoking on the balcony and doing touchdown celebrations that they were still on the show. Christina exclaimed, “I’m so happy” and flashed a smile bigger than Regis Philben’s after his viagra finally kicked in.

Ramsay had a surprise for the final 3 – their families! He then introduced Corey’s mom and boyfriend (he was not very easy on the eyes), Christina’s mom and dad, and Petrozza’s dad and girlfriend. They weren’t in the room for 5 seconds before Christina started filling her parents in on her Hell’s Kitchen activities. She said, “I went on a shopping spree” and “I got to ride on a helicopter,” like she’s been in Outer Mongolia for the past 3 months and has been unable to get to a phone.

Ramsay then cooked a meal (his “signature dish”) for the contestants and their families to enjoy. When the families left, Ramsey called the final 3 over and told them they had 25 minutes to recreate the dish he had just prepared. Whoever came closest to matching the recipe would win.

Corey chose buffalo meat instead of venison, so she was out. Christina and Petrozza both chose venison, but Christina used aioli instead of cream sauce, and Petrozza used no sauce at all. In the end, Ramsay declared Christina the winner. Shocking! For the past 2 weeks, it’s really felt like the show has been setting her up to win. She’s won the last 3 challenges in a row, and Ramsay’s been blatantly kissing her ass. In fact, if she doesn’t win next week, I’ll eat my shoe and put the video on YouTube for the world to see.

Anyway… as a reward, Ramsay took Christina and her mom and dad on a double decker tour bus of Los Angeles. Meanwhile, Petrozza and Corey were stuck back in Hell’s Kitchen, using ice picks to break blocks of ice. Corey looked like a much less attractive version of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. It wasn’t pretty.

Time for the last dinner service of the season! Tonight, each of the final three had a turn running the kitchen. The sous chefs were also in the kitchen to sabotage the contestants and test their attention to detail.

Petrozza was called up the pass first. Sous chef Scott sent him risotto without the peas in it, and Petrozza didn’t catch the mistake. Christina was also really screwing up on the fish station, which made Petrozza look even worse up there. Ramsay was not impressed.

Corey was next at the pass, and she didn’t do a very good job either. Sous chef Scott sent up a wellington with the wrong sauce, and Corey didn’t notice the mistake until AFTER she sauced the meat. Ramsay was pissed and shooed her away like the annoying pest she is.

Ms. “I Can Do No Wrong” Christina was next up at the pass, and I thought she was awful. She was weak and meek and took no control. Ramsay took her by the hand and gave her advice; he wasn’t tough on her like he was the other contestants. Christina did do one thing right – Sous chef Gloria gave Christina mashed potatoes that had basil in them instead of mint, and she spotted the error right away. Frankly, I think NASA should be investigating Christina’s supersonic taste buds. They’re not human.

After dinner service, Ramsay said, “You didn’t make it easy for me so I’m not making it easy for you.” He then instructed them to each nominate one person to go home. Petrozza called it the “most difficult decision” he’s ever had to make in his life… and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Give me a break. Most people make more difficult decisions than that on a daily basis. So either he lives his life in Fred Roger’s Land Of Make-Believe, of he’s full of shit.

The final 3 thought it over, and headed back downstairs. In a rare moment of genuineness and compassion, Ramsay said, “This is one of the hardest moments for me inside Hell’s Kitchen. I like all of you a lot, and I’m proud of all three of you, but somebody has to go home.”

Corey nominated Christina, Christina nominated Corey, and Petrozza nominated Christina. And in the end, Ramsay sent COREY home. Good riddance. She had one of the worst attitudes I’ve ever seen, and I’m shocked she made it this far.

Next week, finalists Petrozza and Christina will redesign Hell’s Kitchen, create their own menus, and get shocked by “surprise after surprise.” They’ll fly to New York City and then return to Hell’s Kitchen, where ex-contestants Louross, Corey, Matt, Jen, Bobby, and Ben are back to serve as their sous chefs.

Who will be the winner of Hell’s Kitchen? I’m predicting CHRISTINA! Stay tuned to find out – we’ll bring you the results literally the minute they go down!

HELL'S KITCHEN, TV Recaps »

Gordon Ramsay is currently searching for people to humiliate on Season 5 of Hell’s Kitchen. And just in case you were looking for more proof that Hell’s Kitchen is not a “serious” cooking show, here you go:

According to their website, they are looking for  “outspoken, competitive, and engaging men and women, 21 and over.” And guess what? Prior cooking experience is “PREFERRED.” Preferred!!?? You mean no culinary experience is required for this COOKING SHOW? None at all?!

Can’t cook toast without burning it? No problem! Apply to be on Hell’s Kitchen anyway! Not sure how to hold a knife? That’s ok. You, too, might soon be executive chef of a brand new restaurant. Good luck!

HELL'S KITCHEN, TV Recaps »

Hells Kitchen Episode #412 Review and Recap

ALTERNATIVELY TITLED: PREGNANT WOMEN WILL EAT ANYTHING.

Another week… another episode of Hell’s Kitchen! We’re (finally) down to the final four contestants – Corey, Christina, Jen, and Petrozza.

After smoking 92 packs of cigarettes and plotting how to get rid of Jen, the chefs met Gordon Ramsay downstairs in the kitchen for their first challenge. Ramsay said, “It’s time for you to be truly tested; this will be he toughest challenge so far.” I don’t know about you, but I’m on the edge of my seat with excitement. What’s it gonna be? The contestants one by one opening a bag of Lays Potato Chips and proceeding to eat just one? Or perhaps popping open some Pringles, and then STOPPING?

Ramsay, for one, didn’t stop there. He explained, “You will each have to come up with a dish and cook for 80 customers, and their votes will determine the winner. But these aren’t normal customers, they’re the most demanding, most finicky customers…” Great. So the final four will be cooking for the cast of The Golden Girls. Here’s to hoping they know how to brew coffee and make a good Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

What do you do when you hear you’ll be cooking for “finicky, demanding” people? You cook SIMPLE, TASTY, CLASSIC foods. Is that what the final four did? Of course not. Christina made an island turkey sandwich, Corey made a grilled salmon BLT sandwich, Petrozza made a monte cristo with a spicy sauce, and Jen made a calypso grouper.

Before long, EIGHTY PREGNANT WOMEN started filing into Hell’s Kitchen. Frankly, I’ve never seen that many pregnant women in one place. It’s what I’d imagine a “Free Diaper Day” would look like at Starbucks – order a latte… get a week’s supply of Pampers!

Cut to a shot of Corey sulking in the corner, like she just found out the folks at Pro-Activ wouldn’t ship to her P.O. box. She said, “I think if the clientele were men, I could have worked it to my advantage.” By doing what? Pulling down your pants and revealing your hideous leopard-print granny panties like you did in episode #410? Spare us all.

Corey just plain sucked tonight. Her timing was off, and her food just looked disgusting. Even worse, the other 3 chefs had all of their food out on the table, while Corey was still in the kitchen cooking. The pregnant women were just standing around her table, feeling their stomachs and talking about “onesies.” Please. Those women were gonna give birth before getting to eat Corey’s nasty fish dish.

And the results are in! Corey came in 4th place (shocking), Jen came in 3rd, Petrozza came in 2nd, and Christina won – by only two votes. As reward, she’d get to go shopping in Beverly Hills and spend $1000 at “one of the most amazing boutiques in the world.” As punishment, the remaining 3 would have to clean the dining room and polish the silver… and that would be no easy task. Not only were those pregnant women “demanding and finicky,” but they were also “piggish and slovenly.” Once they got done with it, the dining room looked like an elementary school cafeteria ten minutes after someone screamed “FOOD FIGHT.”

So what did Christina wear to “one of the most amazing boutiques in the world?” A frumpy beige sweater, black jeans, and cheap jewelry that a 7 year old girl would pick up at Claire’s in the mall. In the limo, Ramsay asked her when she last bought a dress for herself. She replied, “My grandma had to do it for me; all my clothes are black and white because those colors match.” Cue laughter. This girl could be the biggest dork on reality television right now. Not to mention the biggest idiot. If all her clothes are black and white, where’d she snag that BEIGE sweater she was wearing?

After some lame stock video footage of Beverly Hills, they arrived at Lisa Kline (who?!) where Lisa Kline herself helped Christina pick out clothing. She had her try on a HIDEOUS black cloak that made her look like she was Amish, and a repugnant purple sequined shirt that looked like a loincloth someone would have worn at Studio 54. She also tried on a boring skirt that showed off her legs, which, unfortunately, looked like Miss Piggy’s legs – but with more bruises. Bottom line: If these are the clothes that Lisa Kline is recommending, Christina would be better off sticking with her GRANDMOTHER.

Once Christina got back to the restaurant, she found Corey, Jen, and Petrozza polishing silver in the kitchen. Christina showed off her ugly new clothes and bragged as the other 3 laughed and made fun of her. Jen dryly said, “Oh. I don’t like sequins.” It was the first thing that even closely resembled “funny” on this entire season of Hell’s Kitchen.

Corey decided it was time to get down to business. She said, “Lunch was lousy for me, but at tonight’s dinner service, I’m ready to shine.” I don’t think so. You’re mistaking yourself for the serving spoon you polished earlier, honey.

DINNER SERVICE! Ramsay said, “This is where it gets seriously tough.” You know, like one of Petrozza’s steaks. For tonight’s service, Jen was on appetizers, Corey was on fish, Christina handled sides, and Petrozza cooked the meat. Nothing interesting happened, until Christina burned Ramsay after handing him a pot with a hot handle. Ramsay screamed and swore and told her if she did it again, he’d throw her out. So what happened? Five minutes later, Christina did it again… but he didn’t throw her out. She had no other repercussions other than getting a mild talking-to. Hmm… Is that favoritism I smell? Or did Petrozza forget to wash the crucial areas in the shower? You decide.

The “Stupidest Bitch Of The Night” award went to Corey, after she intentionally sent raw fish to the window. She said, “I knew it wasn’t completely done, but I handed it to Ramsay anyway and hoped that it would slide by.” Are you kidding me!? She intentionally send out raw food and potentially sickened a customer to spare getting yelled at?! Classic. That’s really special.

Despite Corey’s selfishness, Jen’s mushy risotto, Christina’s hot pans, and Petrozza’s dirty meat station, the final 4 completed dinner service in record time. Ramsay actually gave the chef’s hi-5’s and said it was the “best service in Hells Kitchen EVER.” He then told them to go upstairs and nominate two people for elimination.

Jen and Corey were put up for elimination, and in the end, JEN was sent home.

My thoughts on Corey staying: WHAT A MISTAKE. And what total BS. Ramsay constantly preaches about high standards and the “customer coming first” – but then kept a two-timing, selfish chef who admitted to intentionally sending out RAW FISH after being unable to handle her station? Pathetic. I lose more respect for this show and for Ramsay with every episode.

So there you have it! Stay tuned next week, when the final 3 are shocked by “a mystery guest.” Who’s that? The one remaining pregnant woman in Los Angeles? I can hardly stand the excitement. See you then!