ABUSE THE NEWS, FOOD, HUMOR/SATIRE, PHOTO HEADLINES, Popular, lists »

(May be considered mildly NSFW. None of the images in this collection have been photoshopped. My eyes have been opened; I never realized there were so many foods that resembled penises.)

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HUMOR/SATIRE, PHOTO HEADLINES »

It’s Monday! Let’s get you caught up on what happened over the weekend across the USA:

The Jolly Green Giant braved the cold and put up his outdoor Christmas decorations.
Britney Spears spent 30 minutes trying to tune into SNL on this pillow before finally giving up and going to bed.
Budget woes forced the James Bond director to cut a few props from his next Bond movie.
Jimmy Buffett hung up a new wall clock in his living room.
Hannibal Lecter alleviated frustration with some yellow onions and a new cutting board.

HUMOR/SATIRE, PHOTO HEADLINES »

L-Word Puppet Show
Set To Take Broadway By Storm

Man Annoys Co-Workers With
“Whole World In My Hand” Joke

Crowds Gather To Marvel At
How High Gary Busey Is

Man Forgets To Pack Board Shorts;
Beach Vacation Ruined

Retired High School Art Teacher
Bankrupt After Failed Bangle Bracelet Venture

Mysterious Texas Cowboy Refuses To Be
Photographed Above The Knee

Woman Pulls Tongue Muscle Trying To Look Slutty;
Doctor Says No Oral Sex For 4 Months

Local Baby Plagued By Insecurity;
Uses Bubbles To Hide Double Chin

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HUMOR/SATIRE, PHOTO HEADLINES, POP CULTURE NEWS, Popular »

Man Spends $1,250 At REI
For Neighborhood Hike

Wal-Mart Employee Pays Photographer Hundreds
To “Make Her Feel Sexy Again”

Surgeon General Set To Launch
New Anti-Smoking Campaign

Teddy Bears Saddened To Learn
Today NOT The Day Of Their Picnic

Local Men Spend Hours Perfecting
“Key To My Heart” Pick-up Line

Father Accidentally Throws Baby Out With The Bathwater;
Police Say No Charges Filed

Husband Really Starts To Regret
Teaching Wife Photoshop

Man Confuses Bank Teller With Puzzling Request

HUMOR/SATIRE, PHOTO HEADLINES, POP CULTURE NEWS »

Vince Vaughn Hides Ears
After Mistaking Paparazzi For Vincent van Gogh

Organization “World’s Geekiest Peeps” Holds 9th Annual Meet ‘N Greet; Event Hosted By Sesame Street and “The Color Yellow”

MIT Students Compete In
Challenging Game Of Wooden Human Jenga

Used Car Dealer Spots Oprah’s Ego;
Swears It’s “THIS BIG”

New York City Subway Car Tired Of Being Alone;
Seeking Companionship On Craigslist

Car Hits 300,000 Miles;
Tells Owner To Go Fuck Himself

Boxer Stands At Attention
After Spotting George Foreman In Park

Chicago Restaurant Perfects Art Of
“Disgusting Meal on Fancy Plate”

HUMOR/SATIRE, PHOTO HEADLINES, POP CULTURE NEWS »

Freshman’s Lunch Ruined After Female Crush Confides She
“Really Identifies With The Indigo Girls’ Music”

Bored Extras Pass Time
On Set Of New Jackie Chan Film

Girls Bring Milkshake To Yard,
Uninterested Boys Claim Lactose Intolerance

Spirit of Paul Revere Possesses Horse;
Terrifies Residents of Massachusetts

Biggest Loser In High School
Sad About Still Being Loser In College

Woman Flees Scene
After Boyfriend Samples New Taco Bell Burrito

HUMOR/SATIRE, PHOTO HEADLINES, POP CULTURE NEWS »

Man Cancels Chest Waxing Appointment;
Enjoys Bowl Of Spaghetti Instead

The “Men Without Balls” Support Group
Gathers For Friendly Pick-up Game

Monk Misunderstands Challenge;
Prays Game Of Chess In Park

Sarah Palin Solemnly Swears To Tell Whole Truth;
Nose Then Grows 5 Inches

Woman Lashes Out In Anger At Wrought Iron Fence
After Watching Martha Stewart Episode

Man Proves Water Does Not Boil Faster
If You Act Retarded In Your Kitchen

Man Tells Son He Is Adopted;
Biological Father Is Comedian Carrot Top.