Bromance, Featured, TV Recaps »

Welcome back to the wild and crazy world of Brody Jenner! Which… so far, anyway, has shown to be neither wild nor crazy. The remaining 7 potential new “Bros” return to the Bro-House (I might as well hop on the Bro-Train because it’s clear that they are going to add the damn word “bro” to EVERYTHING).

Femi announces that he’s in it for the win. He’s a lion! He’s a tiger! He’s a predator! He’s…. he’s just strange, actually. And then, I think I heard what is probably THE most horribly WRONG statement EVER issued on reality television. “I don’t see the other guys at all. I don’t see ‘em. I’m Sammy Davis Jr. just playing the piano. I don’t see ‘em” (and while saying this, he is pantomiming what appears to be a blind man playing the piano.

Errr…. Sammy Davis Jr. was neither blind, NOR did he play the piano. I *think*, Femi, that you may be referring to an obscure artist that pretty much nobody has ever heard of… STEVIE WONDER. Freaking idiot!

Brody Jenner gets an important phone call and upon hanging up, tells the guys to get their tennis shoes… they’re going somewhere. WOOOO! Getting out of the house!!

Brody Jenner explains to us yet again that to hang with him, you’ve gotta be ready for anything, anytime. So he’s got 3 “Bro-Athalon” events planned for the guys. Just to see how they handle it. Who has fun with it, etc.

Femi says it doesn’t matter what they’re doing. He’s a tiger.
Again with the animals? Stop. Now.
Little Chris interrupts with a classic.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Boo”
“Boo who?”
“Quit crying!!”

Really, Little Chris? Did you really just tell that knock knock joke? I don’t think I’ve heard anybody over the age of FIVE tell that knock knock joke. Sad sad sad.

Little Chris mocks Femi’s constant animal references by saying he doesn’t want to be in the cage with Femi, because Femi will be the Tiger and then he’ll say Little Chris is the Zebra. Femi says they’re just hating. Jealous.

Yeah, Femi… between your Sammy Davis Jr. comment and Little Chris’s knock knock joke, I’m seriously torn as to which of you is the more pathetic.

When they arrive, they see Brody Jenner kicked back in a recliner with hockey sticks on the sides. Brody Jenner announces that today will be a BITCH.

Event #1: The Lazy Bro Slalom
The idea is… they sit in the recliners, ride them down this hill, and along the way there are little tables with things on them that they have to pick up. Like remote controls, a drink, and a pizza. Best time wins!

Cut to footage of each of these tool bags riding down the hill trying to grab this stuff.

Femi is a LION! With a voracious roar!! Annnnd then we see a clip of him shrieking like a Japanese schoolgirl as they throw a bucket of water on him.
After watching unidentifiable Bros attempting the course… it is over.
Final times:
Chris P – 54 seconds
Alex – 53 seconds
Chris F (Little Chris) – 53 seconds
Femi – 44 seconds (ooh he’s a GAZELLE!)
Gary – 35 seconds
Jered – 32 seconds
Luke – 30 seconds

Congrats to Luke! That means he’s won both competitions so far. You are showing some serious Bro-tential! (Get it? Get it? I made a funny!)

Brody Jenner asks Gary what kind of dance he does. (Remember, geeky Gary is a dance instructor). Gary does all kinds. So Brody Jenner wants to be amused… he demands a “dance off” between Gary and Femi. Femi says Gary can’t beat him on his WORST day. They remind him of his lack of success in the “picking up women” challenge and he accuses the guys of being like girls… just gossiping. Brody Jenner is not pleased with this. He’s testing them to see who can chill out and roll with the punches and he doesn’t like the fighting.

Back in the van (WTF happened to the dance off?? I wanted to see that shit!), Femi asks the guys if they are afraid of him and then jumped Little Chris for trash talking him in front of Brody Jenner. Femi is hypersensitive. Even more than I am, and that’s a LOT!

Seriously… these guys bicker over the most asinine things.

Round 2:
They have blow up dolls and undergarments and have to team up, and assemble a raft from those items, and then race across the pool. Brody Jenner asks if there’s anybody who can’t swim. Surprise! Femi can’t. So he gives him a life jacket, and then tosses him a pink shower cap since he’s always worried about his hair.
Luke won, so he gets first pick. He chooses Jared.
Gary picks Chris P.
Femi picks Alex
That leaves Little Chris (F), so Brody Jenner joins the fun and is his teammate.

Alex and Femi start strong, but Luke and Jered are quick to catch up. Luke says there is NO way he’s losing to a guy in a pink shower cap who cannot swim. And, being true to his word, Luke and Jered pull ahead and win round 2.

Onto the next event….
Round 3: Bro MX. That one took me a second. Then I got it. BMX = Bro MX silly me, I should have known.
They see mounds of dirt and bmx bikes. Brody Jenner tells them that the contest is to ride the bike down the steep hill, launch themselves over 5 barrels, and see who goes the farthest. Then he says, “These are YOUR bikes” and reveals tiny little girls bikes. Pink. With tassels even. 6’3” Jered is very skeptical about how this is going to work out for him.
Chris P goes first – 8’1”
Jered – 4’6” (but he didn’t get himself killed!)
Luke – 8’1” (Luke is proving to be a formidable opponent.
Little Chris – WIPEOUT! 1’3”
But that’s okay, he assures us. Because you know what ELSE is 1’3”? I’ll let you figure the rest out. But I’m calling bullshit, “Little” Chris.
Gary – 7’9”
Alex – 13’3” (Holy Cow is that even possible??)

We saved the best for last… Femi’s up. He says he is going to be a bald eagle and fly over his prey

Femi – 2’7”

Brody Jenner, “All talk AGAIN, Man…”. Then he goes on to remind the guy s that it really isn’t about the results as much as it is revealing their attitudes to him, so he can get to know the REAL them.

Back at the Bro-House, all the guys are around the pool table cracking jokes about Femi’s constant referring to himself as various animals. They jokingly pick up a dolphin and say “This is Femi. He’s the dolphin.” Femi is walking down the stairs and overhears this, soooo of course he flips out. Again.

Can I call a time out?
Thank you.

Seriously, this is the lamest shit. I mean they have more drama than the girls bathroom in 10th grade. It’s not even funny. Or logical. Or typical. It’s just absolutely ridiculous. They fight over everything. Femi is just LOOKING for a reason to puff up and act all badass. I’m sick of watching him. I want him to disappear.

Back to the show. Femi calls Luke a bitch.
A bitch?
Now, with all the animal references… is he saying that Luke is a female dog in heat? Or does he mean “bitch” the way most of us mean it? With Femi, you never know.

Brody Jenner calls the guys and tells them to meet him at the 717 Olympic for some chill time. (I think Brody Jenner just slipped in another commercial. He has so much product placement it’s not even funny)

Outside, Luke gazes up at the sky and says, “Do you ever look at the moon and think…. Brody Jenner is looking at that same moon?” For a second, I was taken aback. But then I realized he was joking. Dude… you just cannot TELL with these guys. It’s all so very WEIRD.

Brody Jenner’s got them set up for some 1 on 1 time… bachelor style. He’s got candles… a fire… it’s very Bromantic. Yeah, Brody Jenner said Bromantic. That wasn’t me.

Luke comes in and says that it looks like a romance novel you see at the supermarket checkout. Then after being asked how things are at the house, he says that he feels like a lion trying to catch a zebra. I laughed, knowing it was just another jab at Femi. But Brody Jenner was not amused.

“This is serious. I’m trying to get to know these guys. This is not open mic night!”

Wow… ease up there, Tiger. Remember what kind of show you’re on, please. Don’t take it seriously or I might very well lose what’s left of my mind after watching this.
Brody Jenner wonders if Luke will EVER get beyond “just jokes”.

Little Chris gets his 1 on 1 and they determine that they are both the youngest brothers in their families. Wow! That must create such an instant bond. That’s sooooo… tight.

Gary’s up. Brody asks about life back home. Gary says he doesn’t really hang with guys much. He was the one hanging with girls. Brody points out that that is usually the gay guy. Gary says that he was ALWAYS accused of being gay. Not only because of his friends, but because he’s a dancer. But that he knew who he was early on in life and he chose what he wanted.

Femi comes in, talking about how rough his life was. Fighting and stuff. Going to court. Brody told him that he’d heard about some problems between him and Luke at the house and advises him to chill out a little bit.

Back at the Bro-House, Gary decides to tell Femi what happened during the 1 on 1.
Poor Gary… he was just trying to be honest. He told Femi that Brody asked him who he felt might not be showing their true selves, and Gary said that he named Femi. Because he isn’t sure how real he is. But he just wanted Femi to be aware that it happened.

Are we surprised that Femi flips… AGAIN? He says that Gary is “fake and femalish”. Gary goes outside and is crying. He was only trying to be honest. He gets no sympathy from Femi. Femi says he made himself cry because he was being a punk and talking trash about him to Brody Jenner.

Back at the 717 Chris P shows up for his Brody Jenner time.
Now… I don’t know WHAT is going on with Chris P, but the guy is just totally falling apart. Everything he says is so awkward and stilted and just… uncomfortable.
Brody asked why he came out here. While Chris is stumbling over his words, he mentions that he saw Brody on The Hills. Brody asked why he was watching The Hills, and Chris replied “Because LC is HOT”.

Now I kind of fault Brody Jenner about the downward spiral that happens next. I mean, Chris was clearly just joking around. Brody’s all “So you’re out here to get with LC?” That just totally threw Chris off. He stuttered and stammered and finally got out that LC was hot, and yeah if they were out and she came up to him, he’d talk to her. But at the end of the night, it’s Bros before Hos. To which Brody Jenner replied, “LC is NOT a Ho.” Poor Chris P… he just cannot WIN tonight. Everything he says is messed up.

During Alex‘s 1 on 1, Alex and Brody Jenner found out that they have a lot in common, family wise. If you take out the fact that Brody Jenner’s family are all zillionaires, they’re practically identical.

Jered talks about his move to Orlando. Brody casually asked if his family visits much and for some unknown reason, this brings Jered to tears. He sobs as he talks about how no, they haven’t come down, and how important family is.
Brody Jenner is touched by the display of tears, and he reveals that he has some major family issues, one of which is the fact that he was raised by a step father, and then when he was like 16 years old, his mom and step dad divorced, and his step dad had to just go completely out of the picture. Brody Jenner lost the only father figure he had. He was never close to his own father. So I’d say they bonded.

Back at the house, we see a dejected Chris P sitting outside beating himself up over the 1 on 1. Luke tries to talk to him. Chris is just miserable. He says he doesn’t understand why he can’t relax. Why he can’t just be himself. Why everything he says comes out wrong. He’s damn close to tears.

Then Chris P’s phone rings. It’s Brody! He feels like he really didn’t get to know Chris P very well on the 1 on 1, so he wants to take him out again tonight. And Chris P can pick one guy from the house to go with. Chris picks Femi, because the way he sees it, they’re probably at the bottom, so Femi could use the extra time as much as he could.

Brody Jenner takes them to a cool (literally) Vodka Bar. They put on big ass coats and Russian hats and enter the freezer. The bartender is trying to explain the various kinds of vodka. Chris P has morphed into an idiot and is just being totally obnoxious. It’s clear to Brody that he’s trying WAY too hard. He says he wants to try “one of everything”. This is where Brody Jenner draws the line. He doesn’t want Chris P to DIE and he doesn’t want to have to carry Chris out of the bar. He just wants Chris to (say it with me) “Relax and BE YOURSELF!” Chris just can’t do it and continues to act a fool. Brody Jenner sees that it isn’t going according to plan, so he takes him OUTSIDE in one more attempt to get to know him. Again, Chris P fails miserably. I don’t know what the kid’s mental block is, but he just can NOT chill out and enjoy the cool things that are going on around him.

The next morning, Chris P slinks to the table, clearly hungover and feeling a lot of pain. Brody Jenner calls to check on him and tells the guys that they are going to get some sun… to grab their board shorts and meet him at the burger joint down the road.

FREE FOOD!

The whole time they’re eating lunch, Chris P is hunched between 2 cars throwing his guts up. Brody’s asking the guys about any drama in the house. Gary brings up what happened between him and Femi. Brody Jenner smoothes things over and reminds Femi that HE was the one that asked Gary that question. And had he not asked him, he doubts Gary would have ever said a word about it. Plus the fact that it took major balls to come up to Femi afterwards and tell him what happened. Femi agrees and they make peace and agree to let it go.

Femi is a dove.

In the van on the way to the marina, Chris P is puking his toenails up in a very tiny bag. A very tiny bag that begins to leak. The guys are just GAGGING as they try to shove him out the van to throw up somewhere else.

At the marina, they get on this monster yacht. They’re going on a sunset cruise. (Bromance is in the air!) There are 2 random girls on the boat. The guys ask what the deal is with them… Brody Jenner is SO cool, he merely replies, “It’s just nice to have girls around….”
You WISH you were that cool.
Brody says he has a great story about how he got that boat. Ok, lay it on me. I am on the edge of my seat. Really. I want to get SOMETHING out of this snooze fest.

Ready?

Wait for it.

Brody Jenner won it in a poker game.

The end.

Well THAT was anticlimactic. *sigh*

Thank GOODNESS, the next thing Brody Jenner says is that it’s time for another elimination and that one of the guys would be on a VERY different cruise tonight.

Jered – Brody appreciated how he opened up. He’s all good. He can go chill with the girls.
Luke – He’s the challenge champion! Definitely going to stay. All good. (I’m guessing “all good” will be his phrase he uses for “you get to stay”)
Alex – All good. Yep, that’s all you get. He’s got no other words for you.
Gary – He’s smart. He’s real. He’s (say it!!!!) ALL GOOD!
Little Chris, Chris P (P is now for PUKE) and Femi are left.

Brody points out that Femi is ALWAYS in the middle of conflict and that he needs to chill out on the fighting and arguing. He tells Chris P that he STILL doesn’t feel like he knows who he is and that he’s not being himself. He asks Femi why he’s there. Femi replies with some fake-ass near tears about how he’s just soooo tired of being doubted all the time. Whatever. You’re annoying, Femi. And there is not a chance in HELL that you will win this.

Brody Jenner asks Femi who he would send home. Of course Femi throws Little Chris under the bus. Little Chris says that he’s there, having a great time, and he hasn’t stopped smiling. He says that he thinks that Femi is the one that isn’t real. Femi interrupts and explodes again (I think he needs to be medicated), Brody makes Femi shut up so Little Chris can finish. Uhhh I think Little Chris WAS finished. So Brody Jenner declares Little Chris “all good” and he joins the rest of the guys.

Brody Jenner is torn. Femi seems to be the source of all the conflict (no shit?) but then Chris P just doesn’t seem to be able to be himself. He asks Chris P who HE thinks should stay. Chris says Femi should… because he’s able to be himself, and for whatever reason, he’s just not been able to.

Brody Jenner agrees and says that there’s just nothing clicking with Chris P, so it’s time for him to go home.
To further add to his humiliation, he pulls out an inflatable raft (thankfully it was already inflated), puts a little captain hat on his head, hands him an oar (singular) and says “Kentucky is that way”. Classy move there, Brody Jenner.

Next week’s sneak peek (Ooh I feel like Dr Seuss)… LC comes to the house to talk to the boys and try to figure out who’d be best for Brody Jenner. Oh yeah… that’s gonna go smoothly. I can feel it already.

- Lydia

Bromance, Featured, TV Recaps »

I’m the first to admit… sometimes I am completely oblivious to the most obvious of things. I’ve spent many an hour watching crappy reality shows on MTV and VH1, and I saw the ads for “Bromance”, but I guess I didn’t really pay attention to what I was seeing.  I THOUGHT that the show was going to be about Brody Jenner hanging with his “Bros”, one of which was sure to be Frankie. I mean, Frankie is EVERYWHERE. One of my favorite games to play while watching The Hills is “Where’s Frankie?” It’s like Where’s Waldo, only mixed with a completely scripted reality show. It amuses me! Let me get my joy where I may.

Oh Jesus…The show started, and I just realized I am now watching the male version of Paris Hilton’s Search for My New BFF.

Shoot me. Just do it. Pull the trigger. I did not sign up for this!!!  I thought the Paris show was as bad as it could get. I mean, like she’s REALLY going to be that girl’s BFF. Puhlease. But now Brody Jenner is all “ooh ooh me too!!”.

So, it’s not what I expected, but… I opened this box, and I’m damn well gonna make it through at LEAST one episode. Maybe it’ll suck me in. Bad reality shows have a way of doing that to me.

Wait! I have to interrupt myself. I should also warn you that sometimes my train might derail, but just hang in there… it always gets back on track and arrives safely. Choo Choooo!

Brody Jenner is one of those people who I HAVE to call them by their first AND last names. Never just Brody. Seriously. Just typing it makes me feel ooky inside. So just know this, going into it, okay? Okay.

So… Brody Jenner brings these 9 random guys to his house to “hang” and see who can become part of his “Bromance” and be his new “Bro”.

Sorry, but I really must interject again. Brody Jenner is such a douche. Seriously. BROMANCE?? Does anybody besides me hear the word “ROMANCE” in there? Say it aloud… it might be difficult to hear the first time. Say it twice maybe. Hear it? I hear it.

The word “Bromance” was invented on reality tv shows where there were like… awkward relationships between guys. Like… the gay guy who crushed on the straight guy and the straight guy took his advances surprisingly well.  Or… the two straight guys who just seemed to touch an awful lot and enjoyed each other’s company entirely too much for it to be a typical “guy” relationship where they do the shoulder slaps as opposed to say… loooong embraces.

The logo for the show even has a damn HEART for the O. Come ON now. How far can we take this??

But apparently since Brody Jenner is richer than Jesus, he can recreate the word Bromance and make it something entirely new! Now it simply means hanging with your boys… your DAWGS! He even helpfully provided us with a pictorial as PROOF that it’s NOT A GAY THING (cause he knows that we all know damn good and well what that word started out implying), so we see that chubby Superbad kid and the awkward boy in Juno in a manly embrace. We see Hottie McStinksalot Matthew McConnaughey hanging with his “bra” Lance Armstrong. You know… it’s a GUY thing. Maybe I just don’t understand it because I don’t have testicles. But so I can better understand this guy phenomenon, Brody Jenner dumbs it down for me, and equates it to the Hollywood girls hauling around their little chihuahuas. Damn, that’s kind of cold. It must make Sleazy T feel… well… like a small dog…. wearing a hat…. and little tiny shoes….

It was as if Brody Jenner just said “Hey, I’m Paris Hilton and THESE are my chihuahuas”. Sadly, Frankie would still be okay with that. Frankie is LOYAL. Annnnd that’s not entirely unlike a lapdog.

BUT  WHO THE HELL IS SLEAZY T?? I watched Laguna Beach AND The Hills and I’ve never heard of him or seen so much as a glimpse of him.
Yeah, I just admitted to watching those shows. Shut it. I can’t be the ONLY one. Maybe the only one that’s a grown ass woman, but still.

Lesson #1  from Brody Jenner: Expect the unexpected!!
So Frankie and Sleazy T go to where the boys are sleeping… and they wake them up in the middle of the night and drag them out. OH MY GOD how crazy! How wacky!! I’ve never SEEN this happen on a show before (except every episode of Room Raiders) How will they EVER top this in the rest of the season? And how many lessons will Brody Jenner have? More importantly, will he need to remove his shoes to count them?

Duuuuuuuuuuuude!! I just noticed that EVERYBODY calls him Brody Jenner. Even Brody Jenner says Brody Jenner!! I’m not crazypants!!

One boy is clearly  confused. He was “expecting The Hills and ended up with Compton”, he explains with a nervous twitter. No really… he twittered. I clearly heard a twitter.

First assignment? Each guy has to pull TWO… not one but TWO chicks to come to a lingerie party tonight. Damn, they MUST be sweating it.

The winner, obviously, will be the one with the hottest chicks… as determined by Brody Jenner. Sorry, we can’t call in and vote on these skanks. American Idol will be here soon enough.

Brody Jenner takes them to the “Bro-Mansion”, which is a pretty shitty looking place. Finally we’re getting to “meet” the guys… learning their names at least.

Michael is horrified. “It looks like someone threw up Froot Loops on every wall. It’s like a giant flea market… gone retarded.”

Femi, in an attempt to mark his territory and claim his spot as head of the household promptly throws his gear on the top of the bunk bed. “That way”, he explains, “even when they’re sleeping, they have to look up to me”.  I don’t know, man… I’m thinking like… taking the biggest BED might be a better strategy, but what do I know? You go on with your bad self.

They hop into their rides, and start the challenge.

One guy ponders picking a girl with intelligence… one merely wants a pulse. That’s it… set those goals HIGH, Dude!

They have 10 invites and 3 hours to pull at least 2 girls.

Immediately, ALL of the guys start dropping Brody Jenner’s name as bait.  But not Chris P. I kind of admire that about him… he didn’t name drop once. He just said it was a lingerie party. And begged. But still… he did it on his own. You GO Chris P!

Ok, some of these guys are totally approaching old ladies. Like, older than I AM, old ladies.  So. Very. Wrong!!

Michael, who we have now confimed is gay (hey, I was TOTALLY going to wait until they told us) is trying his hardest to pick up hot chicks.  That… is not going over so well at first, but then he pulls through. “What girl DOESN”T love a gorgeous gay man?” He is sooo not gorgeous. Not even close. Not even “endearing in an awkward way”. Nothing.

The 5′4 Chris F aka Little Chris is trying to pick up girls that are shorter than him. SCORE! At Hooters no less. Classy!

Gary is so awkward. He’s the dorky one with the crazy hair and weird hats.  I like him. I don’t think he can win, but he’s fun to watch..

Quote of the night? Possibly “How do you spell lingerie?” Chris P provides the proper spelling, but Luke says he’ll just go with “lon gor ie”

Brody Jenner is too cool to have a typical confessional room. He’s a MAN and don’t you forget it! No, seriously… don’t forget it. Because I have forgotten it at least a dozen times and we’re not even halfway through this love fest.

Being the man that he is… he has a CANfessional… held in the john. Like MEN do! Now, go roar and thump your chest or something!

Brody puts Frankie and Sleazy T at the door. They’re instructed not to let the guys in until at least two of their girls show up.

Oooh two awesome movie reviews!  Underworld 2 and The Unborn!! Sorry, ADD kicked in. Distracted. (But I do wanna see both of those)

Woot! Gary the dork is the first in the door while the “hot” (I use the term loosely) guys are still standing outside waiting on their girls to show up. He’s pretty pleased with himself. As he said  excitedly, “The guys with the swagger are still standing outside!!”. Bless his heart… he’s so excited he definitely won’t sleep tonight.

Michael pulled twins! And they have big breasteses.  Brody Jenner is pleased.

Little Chris, pulled 2 Hooter chicks. Come on in, Little Chris! And how long will it be before you get offended that you’re being called “Little Chris” and you explode with all 5 feet 4 inches of yourself?

Awww!  Michael just gave Brody Jenner a BIRTHDAY card! That PROVES that he will make the best “bro” ever.  He also noted to the camera,  that Brody Jenner has small eyes. Now I keep staring at his eyes and I’m probably missing important stuff.

ACK… awkward moment.  Brody opens his card while Frankie stands by. The card reads, “It’s time to get Bromantic! Your new BFF, Mike…. Frankie Delgado,move over.”  (and I am mentally picturing Michael snapping a fierce Z)  Brody chuckles and asks if Frankie’s feeling threatened. Frankie mans up and denies it at first, but  then quickly admits that yes… he is a little bit jealous.  Aww man. I just want to hug him! I don’t care how much of a bitch he is, I refuse to rag on Frankie. Can’t do it.

3 mins to deadline and there are 4 very cocky guys standing outside. Femi included. Femi. What kind of mother is that CRUEL as to name their son that? Oh wait…I guess Adolph Hitler and Aryan Nation’s folks probably still win out.

Frankie,still unable to shake off the birthday card from Michael, confronts him saying that he saw the card and lets it be known that he was NOT amused. Michael shrinks back and says it was just a joke. Frankie says, “There was no Hah Hah Hah or Laughing Out Loud in it!”.  Frankie knows his internet manners.

Chris P & Femi failed. Brody Jenner is cool as ice though. So Brody Jenner lets them into the party, but when it’s over…. they have to stay behind and clean up the mess. Sucks to be you.

Poor gay Michael looks MISERABLE amongst all the shimmying and shaking and boobs and garters and such. He’s clearly out of his element.

Wow… Brody Jenner DOES have small eyes. I finally noticed. Peace at last.

Now the guys have to give toasts.  Be still my heart, I cannot wait.

“Naked Luke” goes first (oh, he’s called Naked Luke because when he was grabbed from his bed at 5 a.m., he was…. well, naked. He snatched up a washcloth from a maid’s cart in the hallway to attempt to hide the sausage. A washcloth? Have some pride and at least grab a big towel. It’s ok to exaggerate under these circumstances.). He toasts the most important people in the room….. the barstaff. Hah hah hah LOL (for Frankie’s benefit)

Note: I never caught them indicating what Luke *does*, exactly, so I looked it up. He’s an elementary substitute teacher with a wicked fierce Bahstahn accent.

Jacob (Ladies Shoe Salesman) is weird. And very sloppy drunk. And during his toast, he drops the F bomb more than I do while trying to decorate a Christmas tree. That is a LOT of F bombs, folks.

Gary  (Dance Instructor), though dorky and awkward, pulled out a decent toast and got Brody Jenner’s nod of approval.

Dear God… Alex (Student) proposes a “Broast”, but he really busts out with a poem, or maybe we should call it a Bro-em. Says he may be “Bromosexual”.  How many words are we going to add “Bro” to? Because I’m getting Bro-nnoyed already.

Femi (Black guy/Nursing Student)  decides that HE needs to introduce Brody Jenner to his FIRST girlfriend….

HIP HOP BREAK DANCING! WOOOOO!
(you weren’t expecting that were you? I know I wasn’t. I had a total “what the fuck” moment, aloud. With my 14 year old. She was in agreeance, but isn’t allowed to SAY that so she said “what the eff”. Haha! Ok sorry, back to the show).

Chris F (Videographer) (aka Little Chris) says he doesn’t care if Brody Jenner is on television or on wikipedia, but he met him today, and he brought a HOT girl! (Umm… what about the OTHER girl he brought? Hot or Not? When the party was over, was there a catfight in the parking lot to determine which one he REALLY meant?

Jered (Lifeguard) admits he can’t breakdance… he can’t write poems…and that everybody has a downfall… his is being a moron. Only he phrased it “public speaking”. Seriously… the guy probably doesn’t even have ONE entire brain cell. I don’t know what he did. Maybe he took a ball to the head too many times. He does look very jockish. But man… he’s just SLOW. Like… red helmet, juicebox, window licking slow.

Michael (gay/medical insurance sales) says he should be the new best friend because “Behind every gorgeous woman is her gay best friend”. Yes… and you still look MISERABLE there.

Chris P does a nice white boy rap… he’s from Kentucky. At the end, he says he’s here for BROMANCE! And pulls off his sweater. Underneath is a cheesy Hanes or Fruit of the Loom white Tee with Sharpie markered “BROMANCE” in a heart… but he did win me over a little bit more when he turned around. On the BACK he’d written… “Because Spencer Pratt was a douche bag”

He pulled no chicks… but Brody Jenner enjoyed the shirt. And I am starting to pull for “no chicks Chris”.

Hottest girl winner…..
LUKE!

I don’t really think his were the hottest, but they *were* the blondest. So maybe platinum blonde wins out over big boobs. Who knew?

Luke and his girls get a little surprise! They drive off in a stretch hummer with Brody Jenner. More manly fun! And they get the girls to KISS! Luke’s life is possibly forever changed.

Brody Jenner is totally wearing eyeline….errrr guyliner. Or Broliner, maybe.

Gary’s  SO enthusiastic talking outside with Michael while Michael tensely takes a smoke break. Seriously,  Michael continues to grow more and more uneasy with the situation.  I THINK Michael actually KNEW what “Bromance” meant and came prepared. He was not expecting so many…. boobs flying around. He just looks in PAIN.

The men are sitting  around the table… being men. Talking about girls. First loves. Being cheated on.Condoms. And Michael…. grows more uneasy.

PREDICTION:  Michael is going to wuss out and take his ass HOME

Whoa I am like Miss Cleo! As soon as I typed that and resumed play, Michael asks if he can pull Brody Jenner to the side for a couple of minutes.

Now BRODY JENNER is the one looking decidely uneasy. Hah Hah Hah LOL, Frankie!

The guys speculate that Michael is just wanting some “alone time”.  *wink wink nod*

Yep! Sure as shit… Michael says he doesn’t feel like he fits in the house at all (No WAY!). They sit around and talk about girls and sex all the time (Get OUT!). He LOVED The Hills and he thought that that’s what the show was like. He even advised Brody Jenner to get back with LC (Lauren Conrad). Brody realizes that Michael really just wanted to be part of a show (uhhh isn’t that why they are ALL there?) and he lets him go. He even says that he’ll give him a ride to the airport. That’s mighty white of him.

Brody Jenner generously lets them come over to HIS pad (as opposed to the shithole that he’s got them staying in).   Very nice place, obviously.
He lets the guys know that whoever wins will NOT ONLY be his new BRO… but they ALSO get to keep that pad, complete with furniture from West Elm. Wait, did Brody Jenner just sneak in a commercial? He DID! That sneaky bastard.

Even though Michael split…. Brody Jenner must go upstairs to the jacuzzi to make this taxing decision about who’s going home.  The guys who didn’t bring any girls to the party are sweating it hardcore.

Brody Jenner announces that he’s doing elimination…. IN the jacuzzi. Then adds, “Let’s see Survivor try this one”.
Ok, he isn’t totally insane…. even HE laughed at how lame that sounded. I’m glad he knows he’s saying really corny shit ALL the time when it’s just him talking to the camera. It’s SO bad.

He’s got the guys sitting side by side…. knees touching… feeling awkward as hell.
As Little Chris puts it, “The awkward level went from a 5 to a 28″. Is it just me, or is it annoying that he didn’t round up that 28 to a 30? OCD, anybody? Raise your hands? Thank you.

Ok, gonna let some of them off the hook….
Gary, Luke, Alex, Jered, Little Chris (F) are dismissed from the ginormous jacuzzi. Leaving Chris P (guy with awesome shirt), Femi (brought no chicks, had no toast, merely did a breakdance routine) and Jacob (sloppy cursing toast).
One by one, Brody Jenner tells them what he thinks.
Femi acts confident, but has yet to back it up.
Jacob’s toast the night before… very sloppy, dropped the f bomb way too much. Wonders if he got too drunk… if he knows how to handle himself around the girls. Asks him who should go home.  Jacob promptly throws Chris under the bus.
Chris P is a fraternity president… but Brody Jenny questions, “Where is your leadership?”.

Femi talks a big game, but he’s funny. Brody Jenner will allow you to stay.

Uh oh… Jacob got busted trying to pick up girls off the street right outside the club when the 9 pm deadline was drawing closer,  and that rubs Brody Jenner the wrong way. Cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Man, Jacob is deep. When asked to explain why HE should stay in the house, he replied,   “Real knows real. Real knows real.” Echo echo echo…..

Brody Jenner doesn’t pussyfoot around… he tells it like it is.  Jacob… your time is up. Time to go home. Take your fucking FEDORA and GO (ok, that last part was just me)

Jacob is beligerent upon leaving. ” Brody Jenner’s excuse is that I cuss too much?? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! I’m not staying here to kiss his ass and *beep* *beep* *beeep**beeep* you know?”
Uhhh no I don’t know… even I can’t decipher THAT many bleeps in a row.

Now Brody Jenner invites all the boys to jump back in.   Yummy, man stew.

Ok, I made myself gag… and I am straight. I LOVE guys. But this is one motley crew if I’ve ever seen one.

In closing, I confess… though this was NOT the show I thought I was getting… they did indeed win me over and I am sucked in and on board for the season.  Bring it on!

My first episode prediction…. Chris P will make it far, if not take the whole thing. That’s who I’m seeing right now anyway. I reserve the right to change my mind every hour. I AM female.

[Ed. note: Welcome Lydia! She will be recapping a few shows for Pophangover over the coming months and we're happy to have her on board!]