Kicking off this week’s ep with the girl’s hanging around in their bras discussing how quiet it was with Marcia out of the houses. The gals get a note saying they’re off to the Lou. Farrah isn’t really sure where Missouri is on the map. Please don’t make me do my impression of that Teen America contestant again, because I will. And it’s because of people like Farrah that they asked that dumbass question to begin with. Ashley also has no idea where it is.

Farrah and Natasha have become the Bobbsey Twins. Whatever one of them says, the other agrees with wholeheartedly. They only hang out with each other… none of the other girls. My guy swears Farrah’s a lesbian and I’ll admit, he’s got some rockin’ gaydar. But still… Bi at most, I’d say. Ashley is “just sick of looking at her face”. She’s sure she’s a man and now she’s on a mission to prove it.

Cut to Bret playing soulfully alone, on his bus. Poor baby. All alone. “By this time, in seasons 1 and 2, I was feeling something hot and heavy with at least one or two of the girls, but this season… I don’t know. I need to get something going, and I need to get it going fast.”
Is that a subtle way of saying “OH me so horny!” Because I don’t care how “poetic” the words are, that’s all I’m hearing. He’ll love me long time. Once he gets that damn guy liner off. *gack*

They pull up to the Larry Flint Hustler Club.

Time out.
Is anybody else as tired of hearing “Shut the French up” as I am? Please tell me it isn’t just me. I want to stab her in the larynx so she can’t speak anymore. Then she CAN shut the French up. Permanently.

The girls think they’re gonna strip, but instead, Bret brings out 3 “ugly” girls. Ok folks, I wasn’t born yesterday. I have no doubt that these are some of Flint’s strippers, so making them “mega hot rock goddesses” is really not going to take that much work. Friggin’ morons.

The winning team wins a date with Bret at the Hustler Club that night. Team one: Brittanya, Natasha, Ashley. Team Two: Beverly, Mindy, Kelsey. Team Three: Farrah and Taya Each team has to chose a captain, because they’ll be getting some extra time.

Team 1 gets Jamie. Team 2 gets Jenny. Team 3 gets Kami. They have an hour to make a miracle happen.

They bring out team one first. It’s clear that she was NEVER an unattractive girl. Team 2 calls out Jenny who looked to be about 300 lbs before and is now about a buck twenty. Girl 3 comes out and hits that pole so fast you really can’t see her, but since it’s clear this was just a hoax…

Bret takes all 3 team captains on a date AND decides to bring the 3 new girls on the tour with them. Stupidly, the girls clap.. Uhhhh Hey, Blondilocks… that just means more competition for YOU. You don’t clap. You throw a hissy fit. What are you, Yankee? Come to the South, we’ll show you how to throw a proper one.

Bret’s PISSED that the girls clapped and he storms out, his long locks blowing in the wind.

Ashley has Big John bring her to the bus where she spills her guts about how devastated she is. Gosh I love her, she’s my favorite. I love her because she is SO Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers. Too funny. But that droll slow speech she’d had before suddenly turned into hyper speed as she explained by she was so man about the new girls and not getting to spend time with Bret.

She’s *furious* that Natasha got the date and comes out and tells him that she thinks she’s a Dude. I laughed SO hard. Bret’s face indicates that he has also wondered this. She wears tutus all the time to hide her bulge. Ashley asked “Have you ever seen her in jeans?”… the girl makes a good point. I did see her in a pair of camo cut off capris, but they were so baggy she could have had 3 penises in there and we’d not have noticed. Bret says his line about how he has a connection with Natasha of course, but it’s NOTHING like the one he has with Ashley. Ashley is something special! So after tonight’s date, he’s gonna bring her back to his van tonight for some one on one time. Which is Bret-speak for “Let’s Bonk!”.

Ew she has a Hello Kitty tattoo. I really hate Hello Kitty.

The 3 new girls pile on the buses and are eager to go. They are totally shut out by everybody on the bus.

The girls get off the boats (the captain/winners) and they’re gonna go river boating! (be still my heart) That looks like THE most boring date EVER. Seriously. I don’t drink, but I feel like I need booze to get through this.

Bret pulls Mindy aside (FEED HER PLEASE) and basically tells her that’s she’s gonna have to “bring it” if she wants to stay. They kiss. She’s happy. Nobody fed her. *sigh* She’s gonna starve and nobody will ever notice. Clearly, I am the only one who cares.

The new girls decide to go to where the “old girls” are hanging out, and introduced themselves like proper ladies. In response, Brittanya threatened to beat her face. That was sweet. That’ll teach you to have good manners! Even Ashley was stunned by Brittanya’s outburst. Back in her droll voice she’s all “Brittanya doesn’t even talk that much, so I wasn’t expecting all that….”. (Ashley HAS to win)

It’s dark and now he leads Natasha off for some alone time. Bret says she “intrigues” him. Haha! Natasha points out that he’s not as affectionate with her as he is with the other girls and he can’t stop thinking about what Ashley said about her being a dude. He started to ask. He said he had one big question. Just as he started to ask, she squealed because a bug landed on her. That was sort of girly. He still has no idea.

Bret and the winners get back and Bret immediately goes to the new girls to get to know them. Beverly lines shit out and wants to know why they’re staying here and what his issue is. He put it all out there and said that he was totally disappointed in their reaction and that this is just how it’s gonna be.

Big John comes to fetch Ashley. He plays guitar for her (and I admit… that does it for me too) and then you see them going into his bedroom and shutting the door. The girls back on the other bus are LIVID.

Jamie, Jennifer, and Kami are the new girls… Bret’s taking them out for their first date. There are still some of the old girls who haven’t had dates yet, so they are PISSED. Oh well.

He takes them bowling. They discuss how you can tell instantly if you’re attracted to somebody. Honestly, he’s still playing the “I can’t believe these are the same frumpy girls from before”. Oh please. Anyway, he’s SO glad he kept them. That bowling date was the most fun he’d had in a long time. I can understand that. I like bowling and I SUCK at it. They decide to leave, go back to the limo, and make out. Yum. 3 way spit. *gag*

Bret’s getting ready for elimination, so he’s “working out” (whatev). Brittanya comes in wearing a “dress”. I use quotes because I’m not sure that it qualifies. I mean they have black boxes covering every side of her body and every area. Basically everything must be exposed. She’s more than half naked. Bret basically BEGS her to tell him ANYTHING so he’ll know if they have a bond. Crickets chirp. He begs for a chance. Crickets chirp. I didn’t think she was EVER going to speak. Finally she says she almost went home yesterday because her life is important to her and she took that time out of her life to come there and it felt like it was for nothing. Brittanya knows the physical connection is there but isn’t sure if the *long pause* *thinking hard* *smelling smoke* emotional connection is there. We’ll see. Natasha’s going home before she is anyway, so she’s got at least one more night.

Oooh I just heard Phil Collins, did you?

The girls are lined up for elimination. Ashley just banged him, so she’s confident. Brittanya has on the dirty chain dress again, and I guess she’s hoping it works twice. He thanked the 3 new girls for joining him, and then tells them they get auto passes this time, so they can get back on the buses. “That’s lame”, says Ashley.

First pass: This girl was truly truly upset when the other girls were asked to stay and he got to spend some good time with her last night. Ashley, of course.

Mindy.
Taya.
Beverly.
Kelsey
Farrah (so much relief she has)

That leaves us with the barely clothed Brittanya and the maybe penile Natasha.

Oh God, he just gave Natasha the “awesome friend/great connection” line. I know where this is going. He calls Brittanya down and asks if she’s there for all the right reasons, and of course she complies, so she hops back on the bus.

So now we’ll never know. Does or does Natasha NOT have a penis?!?

Ack, Bret also just gave the “if we’d met in a different world” speech”. This man has a BOOK of lines. He should publish them. Seriously.,

Next week….. NASHVEGAS, TENNESSEE for the 3rd Annual MUD BOWL!

You know… for the way this season started out looking, it certainly has gone downhill. I mean, we began with a girl more tore up than Frenchie and a girl doing a shot from her cha cha to a few spilled beers and Doritos kisses. I’m disappointed, Bret. Even the skanky girls seem to be getting along fairly well.

This could be, in part at least, to the beginning of this episode. We’re told that Maria is very sick and is in the hospital and won’t be continuing the tour. Suddenly they’re all her best friends. Oh and in case you forgot… Maria used to be a model. Haha!! I make myself laugh.

This episode consists of The Roadie Challenge. In all fairness, Bret made it sound like they were to appear in skank wear, but when they got there, they were given boots and told they were going to tear down and set up the stage for performance. This can be dangerous and is typically done by large burly men (See Big John for reference) but no, we want these little twig girls to do it. But don’t get hurt! Here’s some boots you can wear while you do it.

We’ve got 2 teams, and they are actually going balls out trying to get this done. Taya actually falls OFF the stage and it HAD to have hurt, but she gets back onstage like a trooper to finish her job. However, she is crying (Uhhh because she’s HURTING?) and her teammate Farrah wants her to stop crying. What the French?!

Marcia aka Brazil has done this her whole life with her Dad’s band, so she knew her stuff. She was chose VIP and she’d win regardless of which team won. Oh and what was the prize? VIP status at Bret’s show that night. The other girls would be in general admission.

So, because of Taya’s injury slowing them down, the team of Ashley, Beverly, Brittanya, and Natasha win… along with randomly chosen Marcia aka Brazil for being such a kick ass participant. The VIP girls are given sexy dresses, champagne, a special bracelet from Bret, and a date the following day. The losers got the “White Trash Picnic”. They rode a bus and sat in general admission. Farrah and Taya were good sports about it all. Mindy looks like somebody slaughtered her dog right in front of her and does NOTHING to conceal the displeasure on her face. Beverly’s having a great time and seems to be the only one who knows his song and the words and everything. How, I do now know, but she does.

After the show, Bret needs some time out, so the girls go backstage to get plastered with the band. Have we learned NOTHING from season one!?!?!? Ashley’s got the night vision goggles out and thinks she saw Beverly kiss Bret’s drummer (he has a blue Mohawk, so he sort of stands out in a crowd).

The next day was the “winners” date. It became another fun filled day of he said she said. Beverly denies having kissed the drummer, but says if she did it was just because she was drunk and had no idea what she was doing. In the meantime, we find out that Marcia gave away the gift Bret had JUST given the girls. God love her, I think she had good intentions. Apparently there was a group of people there just totally into his show, crying and singing along, and when she gave them the bracelet, it really touched them. Bret can appreciate that, but at the same time, he’d JUST given that to HER as a special gift and would liked for her to have kept it at least a day or two. Shit.

Elimination comes and it’s anybody’s guess. Only one girl has to leave since Maria (did you know she used to model?) had to go home for medical reasons. Ashley gets the first VIP badge and hops happily on the bus, followed by Natasha, who Bret says he has a very deep connection with. Really? I’ve not noticed. Deep voice, yes. Deep connection, not so much. Farrah (What the French?) and then Mormons Gone Wild, Kelsey (who I think is the cutest of them all and still can’t figure out why she’s there). Next up is Taya and Brittanya (those belly piercings are dangerous. Don’t be fooled!) This leaves the obvious three of Beverly (drummer kisser), Marcia (bracelet giver awayer and tequila drinker) and Mindy (the invisible miserable woman).
Of course Mindy stays (will you PLEASE give her something besides Doritos and booze? Thank you. Then what to do what to do? Beverly can be forgiven for maybe drunkenly kissing the drummer, but he can’t get over Marcia’s partying ways.

Adios Two Kiss Marcia! We’ll miss you!

Next week: One of the girls supposedly has a FIANCE! Ooh!

- Lydia

Hey guys and girls, I’m so sorry about the absence of a recap for last week. I’ve been hellaciously sick and despite the amount of drugs coursing through my veins, I can’t get over it, so this recap is coming straight to you from… you guessed it… my bed. Yep, I’m in bed, clad in some men’s flannel pj bottoms and a white boy beater. My hair’s in a messy topknot on my head. I’m sure I look about as sexy as road kill, BUT… because of my perfume obsession, I smell like I shit rainbows.

They always give us a little flashback of what we once had. Already I miss Nikki and Gia. And even ummm… that Goddess lady. Constandina, or some odd spelling. Anyway, bygones.

Bret sends a note to his “Tenacious Twelve”.

Interjection:
1.) I CHALLENGE you, Mr. Bret Michaels, to tell me what the definition of “tenacious” is RIGHT NOW without looking at a computer. Or Big John.
2.) Wouldn’t that have been more effective if he’d saved it for his “Tenacious TEN”?
I digress.

They arrive at an ice rink and the “tenacious twelve” quickly become “twelve twats a tumbling” because none of them can stand up on the ice. Oh wait. One of them can. Are you ready for this? Brittaney? You know, the one that Bret recognized from his porn stash, only she doesn’t DO that anymore? Well, she started skating at like… age two. She was serious with it. Competed on many levels. Won many awards. It honestly sounds like the girl was Olympic bound, at one point. “But then, “ she explains at one point, “I gave that up for my career in the adult industry and I don’t regret that mistake At all.” Your mom must be SO proud.

You know in cartoons when a character shakes their head back and forth really fast in disbelief and it makes that ‘Yabbleyabbleyabble” noise? Well I’d be doing that right now, except if I did, I’m pretty sure I’d throw up again.

Bret explains that they’re going to be playing a version of ice hockey with “Baby Bret”. That’s right…. That heinous doll from hell is back again. And as if they are attached by some magnetic force, Lacey is right there with them. Seriously, I’m already wishing Natasha (isn’t she the black/possibly tranny one?) gives her a hockey stick upside the head). I don’t like Lacey.

The girls pick teams. Beverly gets picked last. Wait. What? Isn’t Beverly the tomboy? I smell a rat. And it can’t be Nikki, because she was gone 2 episodes ago. Each team takes turns trying to shoot Baby Bret into the goals, most points wins a group date (I typoed that as “grope”… I should have left it alone), you know the drill.

It gets brutal folks. I mean… at one point, Brittanya’s belly button piercing starts to BLEED. Ambulance anybody?! Thank God her dimple piercings are intact. Natasha takes one hell of a hit to the head. I’m not even being sarcastic… I think it jacked her up. In what I found a HILARIOUS choice of words, Bret says she “took it like a man”. Foreshadowing, much?

Then Melissa (if you need a reminder, she’s the one who in BOTH the last episodes told Bret he should probably send her home because this was so very hard on her) somehow manages to land CHEST FIRST on the ice and thinks she may have popped an implant. She thins she’s got a slow leak (and I don’t know if it’s medication at this point or not, but I’m dying laughing because I TOO think she has a slow leak, only I mean in the brain and not the boob). When the paramedic asked her what material her implants were made of, she gave that deer in the headlights look and began to recite, “”I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so, because, is that some people out there, in our nation, don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, such as South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here, in the US should help the US, or um should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.” Ashley remarks in that monotone deadpan voice of hers that she must have gotten her tits in Tijuana, because $300 boobs will pop. She’s growing on me. I don’t think she’ll win, but I love her dry droll tone of voice, not unlike Daria, Janine Garafalo, or Juliette Lewis.

Back on the bus, we learn a plethora of disturbing things about Brittaney. No, even more disturbing than we already knew. I’m not sure which one freaked me out the most, so I’ll let you make the call.
1.) The girls noticed a foul odor. They found a supply of empty ketchup packets in Brittaney’s bed, where she’d sucked the ketchup right out of them. Now I’m sorry, but that’s just vile, I don’t care if you WERE a porn star and are used to all kinds of things in your mouth. Draw a line somewhere. Then they found out that she had a huuuge long white tube sock crammed full of their old dirty stinky black socks they’d worn while they were playing ice hockey. They asked her about it, and instead of looking appalled that she’d gotten caught, she simply said that she’d ASKED if she could have them and they said she could. No shame in HER game whatsoever! That’s so creepy. Why does she want their skanky socks?!?

Since Beverly was only playing like she couldn’t skate, she kicked the other girls’ asses, so obviously it was the pink team won the group/grope date. Remember, folks, this is the ROCKER’S LIFE! So we’re going to BIG AL’S Strip Bar! Woooo!

Beverly is… unamused.
Maria, who used to be a former model and will tell you this every 2.5 minutes got into some minor pole action.
Bethanney, who used to be in porn but NOW just wants to be a wife and mother was slithering all over that stage like a White Snake video gone wrong.
Bret’s trying to have a good time, but Beverly’s lack of enthusiasm is just killing his buzz. She says she’s a mom to three kids and she has to watch what gets back to them. Bret replies “But they’re not here NOW”. Uhhh Bret… this IS being filmed, you know? So I do kinda see Beverly’s point, but at the same time, she could have found a middle ground between picking up a dollar bill with her cha cha and standing on the stage, arms folded, glaring at the audience.

Back on the bus, sock-gate is heating up. Apparently since Bethanney ASKED if she could have them, it was FINE. No big deal. Then later, after the girls bitch about how long this date is taking (I know, Girls… it felt like forever for me too), they overhear Melissa on her cell phone. (Melissa aka popped implant girl). APPARENTLY they aren’t even supposed to HAVE their cells with them, but there she is, laying on her bed, talking at the top of her lungs at what appears to be a boy/girlfriend about how she doesn’t want to be there, the whole thing is messed up, Bret’s all OLD looking, and his hair is fake. *snicker*

The girls run to tattle, of course, and you know Bret ain’t taking SHIT about his hair. So at eliminations. He told Melissa that he had her pegged from Day 1 as one of those girls with a boyfriend back home that just wanted some television time, but that insulting him in his hous… er tour bus was just too much. So GET THE FUCK OUT!

She got all dramatic and made it sound like it was her idea to leave. Uhhh no. It was his. I’m sure. All the other girls get their passes except for a teary eyed Brittaney and Beverly. He tells Brittaney that he thinks she’s beautiful, but her tour ends here.

In her “parting words”, I swear you’d think they just ended a 10 year relationship instead of a 2 week boinkfest on a tour bus. She should have stuck with the ice skating…..

- Lydia

Rock Of Love 3: Love Bus (Season 3, Episode 1 Review – Airdate 1/4/09)

Bret spends 300 days a year out on the road, and wonders what the hell he was thinking trying to find his “rock of love” at a house, when his rock and roll lifestyle means he’ll be on the road with him. He’s got Big John, 2 tour buses, and a whole flock of skanks (20 skanks make up a flock… it’s pure mathematical fact) to fill it up. They’re going to be going on an “actual tour” with him.

New theme song, even worse than ever:
“Please, let me introduce myself.
I’m gonna get you off like there’s no one else.
Please, let me be your flesh and blood…
Your rock of love.”

He does make a promise. If he doesn’t find true love THIS time… he’s giving up. We shall see. I believe I’ve heard that one before.

Panning over the 20 girls, I see a lot of facial piercings. Now… on some girls, I think facial piercings can be kind of cute. Lip rings look great on some people. I even like the “snake bites” sometimes. But tonight I saw something I’ve NEVER seen. It was, what I can only call… a “dimple piercing”. She had 2 tiny silver balls right in her dimples. Do I love or hate this? I have no idea. I know *I* won’t be getting one and while I did take my oldest daughter to get her nose pierced, there is no way I would consent to dimple piercings.

We start the photo taking tradition. If we’ve learned anything from the past, it’s this…

The girls all start out with the generic sexy poses. Then they hit a slump where you couldn’t find sexy if you fell out of a sexy plane, landed in a sexy tree, and hit every single sexy branch before hitting the sexy ground. But then one brave soul will take off her shirt and jiggle her boobs to liven it back up, and then it’s on like Donkey Kong as the girls try to “out whore” each other. Let’s see if tonight’s any different.

I love how he excuses his “photo taking” as “I’m really into photography. And since we’re going to be on the road, you WILL need those laminates for backstage passes.” Right. Because all official laminated backstage passes for your actual crew are ALSO done with as little clothing as possible and biting/sucking their finger. I’m buying it, Bret. Keep selling it, Baby!

Britanney goes first… he recognizes her immediately. It’s driving him crazy… WHERE does he know her from?!
OH! He’s “seen her movies”. Apparently she’s a porn star! Off to a rocking start.
Well… that was a WHOLE 7 years ago. NOW her passion is singing. So she sings while he photographs her. Let me put it this way… he got her “perfect shot” reaaaaal fast. Her singing frightened my puppy.
Note: Her “real” name is Jasmineva (I’d like to bitch slap her parents) but her porn name was Brittany Starr.

I MAY have just heard my favorite quote for the night. One girl (blonde, is all I have to go on at this point) says, “Who the French would want to *beep* -but you could clearly make out “fuck”- that?”
I can’t stop laughing because she’s too classy to say “Who the fuck”, but then uses fuck in the sentence anyway.
Yeah, I’m easily amused.

Next is, Melissa. She totally looks like Bret’s type. Tiny body. Huge boobs. Platinum blonde hair with the black underneath. She teaches pole dancing, Pilates, burlesque. And to be honest… she’s much less ugly than many of these girls. I think she’ll be around awhile unless she goes all psycho. She does say up front that she is “high maintenance”. Usually, when a girl says that about herself right off the bat, she has an extreme case of “high maintenance” and should be avoided at all costs. Because the girls that are just a little bit of trouble don’t usually think to warn people. It just shows up. Like a mother in law would. Unwanted. Uninvited. Unannounced.

Nikki is an admitted DJ (DJ Lady Tribe) but *not* here for publicity. She used to be a graffiti artist, and she did a little time. BUT… after her 6 month stint in jail, she decided the best way to clean up her act would be… to get boobs. Because that way she’d not be tempted to climb buildings, because she might pop one. Duh! Good idea. Don’t be fooled by her appearance… Nikki is a damn rocket scientist! A rocket scientist that can also be used as a flotation device in case of emergency. Seriously? I don’t know how she stands up without toppling over. OH she is ALSO a singer. She wrote a rap for Bret.

I’ll spare you the “lyrics” (so very bad) but the HILARIOUS part of the whole thing is… she’s got her “rap” written down. And when she holds the paper up, it is written on the BACK of a paper regarding Genital Herpes Information. This is *really* distracting Bret. To be honest, she should be thankful he was distracted because the rap was awful and she is even more ugly than Frenchie from Rock of Love 2. She flips to page 2 and that one is about Gonorrhea. At least from the side WE get to see. I am literally holding my sides laughing because… where the HELL did she find THIS scratch paper?? Generally when I need to scribble on something, I dig in my purse and find an old receipt or something. But this girl has an entire pamphlet, 8-1/2″ x 11″ all about STDs that she’s using the backs for. Waste not want not!

Ashley is next. She looks similar to Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers… only with bigger breasts. Which (say it with me… you know it’s coming) “turns me on in some sick way”. Honestly, we should make up a drinking game for RoL. Anytime he says “turns me on in some sick way” or “Hi- Ohhhhh!”, take a shot. Anytime he tells the story about getting his heart broken by a stripper, which was the inspiration for “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, take a shot. I don’t think I’d make it halfway through an episode. I’m a lightweight!
Ashley says she’s hot just standing there breathing, so she don’t need to do SHIT to look sexy.

Bret just exclaimed, “Hi- ohhhhhhh!”. What did I tell you? Bottoms up, people.

Awww now it’s Heather. The one that looks like she’s still in high school. She looks nervous. Probably because this photo shoot does NOT seem like the ones they take in school. That, and she’s late for Algebra.

Megan, another blonde… no distinguishing characteristics says she tames lions, tigers, and grizzly bears. OH MY!
Oh come on. You knew I was gonna say it. I was just bummed that she threw “grizzly” in there. She threw off my cadence!!
Her “sexy” look is a little scary to me.

And now come the flakes.
Constandina is from the foothills of the Appalachia Mountains. Although, she pronounces Appalachia like I’ve never heard it pronounced. And she seems to be trying to appear foreign. But aren’t the Appalachians in… hold on… YES, Wikipedia confirmed it. I am NOT crazypants. They are in freaking North Carolina. This chick is rocking an Indian (dot not feather) third eye stone thingee and doing all these weird belly dancer/exotic goddess hand gestures. SHE is crazypants. Not me. Her. She’s “very spiritual and deep” of course. She has a Masters Degree in…. STORYTELLING?!?

Do tell! I want to know more about this… because I could probably like be… a DOCTOR of storytelling. I didn’t know there was such a demand for this profession. I’d have hopped on that gravy train long ago. Am I sick that now I want to hear a story from her? I am, huh? I’m sorry. I am just being honest. I mean… she’s got a MASTERS in it. It’s gotta be good shit! She is going back to get her PhD in mythology and folk lore.
Wow… just…. Wow. Her parents must be SO proud. I be she can do amazing things with “Once Upon a Time….”

Hey look, a black girl! It’s Natasha!
Do not take that wrong. I just always have to laugh a little because Bret will bring ONE black girl amongst all the blonde chicks. And he doesn’t acknowledge that she’s like… the only one. But it’s so clear that he only does it to be “fair”. She’ll be gone before the halfway point of this show. He goes off physical attraction, for the most part, and it’s clear that the big boobed blondes are “his type”.
She sort of looks like a man. She says she’s prepared for the cattiness because she went to boarding school, so she knows how girls can be.
Uhh… I’m pretty sure that the bulk of these girls did NOT attend boarding school. Juvenile Detention, maybe, but not boarding school. So this may be a whole new breed for her to deal with.

She’s got some lofty goals. She’s starting an “escort agency” out of Canada. And no, she isn’t going to try to fool us into thinking that she means just finding dates for nice men. She says she wants to be a madam. Good for you! Better to be the madam than the whore. I hope she keeps that mentality on the bus.

Marcy throws off Bret’s mojo. All the other girls were hitting poses like they’d just watched an ANTM marathon. But she just stands there. Bret’s nice. He says, “Some girls are so hot, they know they don’t even have to try”, but you could tell he wasn’t into it and wanted to yawn. She tells the camera that she is hard to get to know at first. Hrm. He probably won’t keep you around to find out. Bret and patience are not words we hear together often. Cause he sang for Poison… NOT Guns and Roses.

He asks for sexy poses from Stephanie. She’s an LPN at a nursing home. Her father is disabled and is remarried… to a 26 year old girl. Her mom does taxes. She likes chicken (did somebody ASK her that??) and is down to earth and a very sweet girl. She is also Ambien, personified. Honest. When Bret kicks her off the bus, I’ll take her. She can just hang out with me and talk and my insomnia will be cured. *I* think she resembles Jessica Simpson. And I don’t mean that in a complementary way. I mean the part of Jessica Simpson’s face that always reminds me of a horse. They have similar features. I’m not too worried. I don’t think she’ll make it too long.

Ok, now I’m scared. It’s Kelsey’s turn. Why am I scared? I’ll tell you why. She’s a cute girl. Pretty even. Adorable body. Her breasts aren’t hanging out. She doesn’t speak as if she just took 25 valiums. WHY is she here?? Somebody go save her!! She actually looks normal!
She’s a Utah girl and admits she’s used her looks to get through life.

Next up, Maria. She’s another really pretty one, even though her outfit is ugly and should be outlawed. . She’s 40 and a retired model. She does not look 40, but you can tell she isn’t in her early 20s like most of the other girls. She’s actually very attractive. I wonder why she’s there.

We quickly run through Marcia. All we find out is that she’s from Brazil, therefore she requires a kiss on BOTH cheeks. Annnnd she’s gone. That was fast.

Mindy (twin of Cindy of Survivor 11). She looks like she really needs a good home cooked meal. And a hairbrush. Other than that… she’s very forgettable for me at this point and didn’t get much airtime with her photo shoot either. I have an instant “I do not like her” vibe whenever I see her.

Farrah is next. She says she gets a man’s attention by just pushing her boobs up. Wait, did you hear that sound? That was the women’s movement taking 25 giant steps BACK. Somebody forgot to say “Mother, May I”, clearly. Thanks, Farrah!

Brittanya is the one with the dimple piercings. She’s also got a hell of a lot of tattoos, which Bret is into. She’s cute, aside from the facial mutilation thing. I think he’ll keep her for quite awhile.

This girl looks so boring already. Who is she? Ah, Beverly. She’s like.. thick and tomboyish. Doesn’t look remotely like his type. She says she went to his concert in ATL. He asks if she went backstage. She replied, “No… you were with *AMBRE*” all bitter like. “Oh”, he said with despair. Sorry, Bret. Can’t bang ‘em all at the same time!
You know… she’s probably not even remotely thick, but he has some size 00’s up in that bitch and it makes her look Amazonian.

Ooh here’s that weird looking redhead I showed you in the previews… Samantha. She ACTS weird too. Dear God, her posing is scaring me to death. Everything makes her sick (cars, buses, planes, etc) so this should be a fun trip when we add booze and mix. Keep the puke bucket handy for this one. I’m betting she’ll be tossed like a dwarf within the next few episodes.

Gah! I just realized who she reminded of with the posing. From Saturday Night Live, one of Molly Shannon’s old recurring characters, Sally O’Malley. The 50 year old who wore the red spandex pants and loved to stretch, stretch and kick! She is totally pulling a Sally O’Malley. I probably would have opted for Mary Catherine Gallagher. I bet he’d go for the dirty catholic schoolgirl type.

Here’s the Penthouse Pet… Taya! She had the cover with the cowboy hat on. He says she’s welcome to be naked if she’d like. She doesn’t want to be the first naked girl though, so she compromises and just shows her ass. But… let’s see what’s next. Remember, I predicted that once flesh was shown, it’d all be going to hell in a hand basket.

Annnd I was right. Gia’s up! She promptly removes her shirt and poses topless. Bret remarks that she may not be the best conversationalist, but at this point, he can live with that. They make out. He’d been holding back. He usually makes out with them all during the photo shoot session.

That wrapped up the photo shoot, and now that we’ve “met” the girls, we can move on to the good stuff. I hate the first episode of most of these shows because it’s all about trying to remember who’s who. I like it when the liquor starts to flow and their true colors show.

Bret’s got a concert to put on in 30 minutes, so he’s outta here and the girls have to scramble to get loaded up onto the two buses. Nikki says all her clothes are VERY small, so she can fit 6 weeks worth in her little Louis Vuitton bag. I’ll say one thing… I could totally kick their asses at Tetris. They know NOTHING about loading stuff into a small space. Big John just stands there watching them, amused, not lifting a finger. Natasha TRIES to help, by removing the tiny bags that are in back so that the larger bags can go on first and then fit in the smaller one. This is possibly the smartest girl between the two busses, but Nikki FREAKS that she took her Louis Vuitton bag off. I swear, if she SAYS that she has a Louis Vuitton bag one more time… ARGH! It’s probably as fake as her tits anyway.

The blondes take over the pink bus, because… well because they like pink and have dubbed themselves the “Blonde-terage”. Get it? And people say blondes are stupid. Pffft! The brunettes are piled into the blue bus. Blonde logic says it’s because they’re blue and sad because they’re going home. Good theory, but I think it has more to do with the fact that they want to get away from Nikki because her boobs look like they could explode at any moment and I wouldn’t want any of that boob juice getting on me either.

The girls are already trashed and Ashley decides to pick on Marcia (Brazilian) just because she’s brunette. Marcia responds by dumping 2 bottles of beer over her head. Oh good grief. They’ve not been on the bus 10 minutes and Melissa is crying, wiping off runny eyeliner, and saying she wants to go home… doesn’t even want to BE here. Hell, I had her picked as one of the last to go home, she better not flake out on me now!

They arrive at the concert. Bret’s singing… doing his thing. The girls are dancing onstage with him. Some are just casually hanging out, dancing, having fun… and some decided to make it go all porno. One blonde (sorry, they tend to blur together at some point) decides that she must become a lesbian when she drinks. Nikki is down to just her bra, which she is hanging out of at both the top and the bottom. Farrah and Gia are licking each other boobs. Taya (penthouse pet) is horrified. She’s like, “I am the penthouse pet and *I* am the classiest one up here at this point!”. I know, Taya… I was thinking the same thing!

He dismisses them while he chills for a bit after the show, and they continue to drink while waiting for the after party, which will consist of… drinking. I wonder how much alcohol these people go through in one day.

Ashley is hammered and has picked her next victim. Now it’s Beverly. Any brunette is automatically her enemy. Ashley doesn’t like her shoes. Or as she put it, “I am not sure about your shoes…”. Beverly throws a glass and hits Gia. Gia retaliates. I think Gia is so drunk she has forgotten that Beverly is twice her size and could snap her like a twig.

Bret’s back! He’s lost his voice. Man, it’s rough being a rock star.

Gia climbs up onto the bar. They had to blur it out, because she’s clearly not wearing any underwears under her tiny dress. Nikki says “Gia’s on the bar and I’m thinking… what can I do with this..”.

Now…. what happens next is PURELY my own guesstimation, because apparently it was SO bad they couldn’t show us. They did, however, show the HORRIFIED looks on everybody’s faces… even the “wild girls” were slack jawed and in awe. Bret says in ALL 21 of his years of touring, he’d never seen that done and that she needs to “slow her roll” and “thank God alcohol kills 99% of germs”.
So what *I* believe happened, and is further verified by things that Marcia says later on, is that Nikki took a shot off Gia. But instead of like… how girls will stick the shot glass in between their boobs and you grab it with your mouth and knock it back? Well… Gia didn’t put the shot glass between her boobs. Enough said? Did I make the picture clear enough? These shots are in what look like test tubes, in case you need help visualizing this.

Heather and Stephanie have had enough, and they leave. Melissa is about to have another breakdown, so she pulls Bret to the side to let him know that this environment is very hard for her, but she’s here for him. He talks her into staying, of course. But… like I said before, she is TOTALLY his type and I expect her to go far in the show if she doesn’t leave on her own accord.

Bret’s checking out for the night. The next morning, Big John gets them all off the bus a little early (after all that partying, noon would be too early). He does a head count and he’s missing somebody. Then Nikki comes teetering off that bus looking like a hot mess. Even worse than before. They check the girls into the Sheraton. There are 3 rooms. Crazy girls, Semi- Crazy girls, and Zombie room. Constandina is giving belly dancing lessons, and she’s DYING to belly dance for Bret. She says it’s time for him to be touched by the Goddess. I think Constandina is a little touched in the head is what I think.

Marcia is literally double fisting her drinks. She has a glass of tequila in each hand. She’s mowed through 1/2 a BIG bottle in no time flat. And then she also puked in no time flat. Bret comes in and the girls flock to him hoping for some “alone time” because they don’t feel like they’ve gotten to make an impression on him yet. I don’t know… I think Gia’s already made about as much of an impression as one CAN make.

Oh My GOD!! Marcia just LAYS a HUGE tongue kiss on Bret. It reeked of Doritos, which she said was a Brazilian tradition. Ummmm… does everybody else remember that she JUST walked out of the bathroom where she’d puked her toenails up?? And he’s making that damn “passionate kiss” face like in the videos like he’s all into it. FAKER!

Maybe I’m picky, but I can honestly say that I would not tongue kiss somebody who just ate Doritos. That is so vile. But to add tequila and tequila VOMIT into the mix?! *hurl*. He noted that the kiss tasted of Doritos, Tequila, and something familiar that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Quit thinking about it, Bret. Trust me, you’re better off not knowing this time.

He wants some one on one time. He picks Beverly first. He noticed that she knew his lyrics and stuff while she was onstage and appreciated that. He says he likes her down to earth tomboy ways, but is a little afraid that she might be able to kick his ass. She tells him that he was the only person on her “Free Pass” list when she was married previously. Well… right after American History X, Edward Norton was on there, but under Bret.. and only for a little while. That’s so romantic.
(In case you are not familiar with “Free Pass”, it is an arrangement you have with your significant other that, should the opportunity ever arise, you are allowed to have sex with that person)

Brittaney (not a porn star NOW) is desperate to talk to him to show him how she is NOW. And right in the middle of her babble, a drunken Marcia comes up and starts rubbing all over him. Brittaney is saying that she isn’t into having threesomes or anything and is a very faithful person, but that if that is what Bret wanted, she would share him like that. But that she NEEDED someone to hold her and NEEDED someone to love her. Bret’s looking uncomfortable. He doesn’t like needy girls, and while she may have succeeded in showing that she isn’t the porn star type anymore, she’s now got herself cast as “the needy girl”. I think she stood a better chance being a porn star, when it comes to Bret‘s picking, anyway.

The Blondterage takes over. And no, I don’t know how to spell that word. Because it’s made up. They tell him that the brunettes are SO boring, but it sort of backfires because Bret’s thinking that they’re just here to party and HIM being here really has no importance. That it wouldn’t matter who was there… they’d be just as happy. Bret likes his ego to be stroked, so these girls having fun with or without him doesn’t sit well with him.

He visits the brunette room and promptly licks Maria’s stomach. Samantha is discouraged because she really hoped to get to talk to him, but Maria is so hot, she steals all the attention.
Marcia is just out of control drunk, and she’s a crazy ass drunk. She decides to attack Ashley and throws chips at her (ok, I’m sorry but that could NOT have hurt that bad, big baby). So Ashley dumps a beer on Marcia. BAD idea. You do not mess with the drunken Brazilian! Marcia proceeds to attempt to choke Ashley by wrapping both her hands around her skinny little neck. Security has to break it up.

Hilarious!! The reason Marcia got SO angry that she had to choke Ashley was NOT because Ashley dumped beer on her. It was because “You don’t WASTE alcohol like that!!”. Wow. She really should have gone on Intervention instead of Rock of Love Bus.

Marcia starts packing her bags and saying she wants to go home. Bret tells her to chill out for now and stay, so she does. He goes to check on Ashley who is still crying and she ALSO wants to leave. But of course Bret says his magic words and she decides to stay.

Elimination time! He’s gonna get rid of FIVE of these chicks tonight. Thank goodness.

I swear, I cannot take my eyes off Nikki. I thought we’d maxed out on “crazy” last season with Frenchie… but Nikki is about a billion times worse. She’s standing there in what appears to be a red bathing suit of some sort. Her matching red lipstick is smeared all over her face. And she can barely stand up. I think the weight of the collagen in her lips and silicone in her boobs are just too much for her to handle and gravity WILL win.

He calls the following names:
Marcy, Heather, Stephanie, Gia, Nikki, Brittanney, and Marcia.

The other 13 have rocked his world, they get their passes and get back on the busses.

The other 7 are mortified. Gia says that he SURELY won’t get rid of her. Marcia is very very disappointed. Nikki is now sitting slumped on the floor. I expect to see a string of drool fall out of her mouth at any time now. Brittaney is sobbing. And she is an UGLY crier. Gia keeps repeating “It’s fine. It’s fine.” to her, which I think translates to “Shut the fuck up, dumbass”. He notes that he DID ask Marcia to stay earlier, so he wants to go ahead and give her another chance, so she happily gets back on the bus to get the party started. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR!! Brittanney is still sobbing hysterically. At this point, I was thinking he would keep Gia, even though she DID do that nasty body shot, but no… .he brings bawling squawling Brittaney down and gives her her pass. She’s so grateful that he’s seen beyond her slightly checkered past and is giving her another chance.

Sorry Marcy, Heather, Stephanie, Gia, and Nikki…. your tour ends here. He leaves to hop onto his bus. The girls kind of slowly filter out the door, looking sad. Gia is really shocked and upset. Nikki…. Nikki has to be physically removed from the room. Some girls just don’t take “no” very well.

If tonight is any indication of what’s yet to come, we’re in for a hell of a ride! See ya next week! And let me know who YOU are rooting for. Or at the very least who you think will be making it to the end. Don’t make me play make believe fantasy Rock of Love Bus by myself!

-Lydia

[photos: vh1]

Bret Michaels is still desperately seeking… something, and the 3rd season of Rock of Love (this year, titled Rock of Love BUS) premiers on VH1 Sunday January 4th, 9 p.m. eastern.

Supposedly, the reason the past two seasons of Rock of Love ended in failure is because these women didn’t *really* get to experience “life on the road”, which is how his life really rolls. So, by throwing them on two large tour buses, they will get to experience a more realistic view of his life, and he can be more certain about his choice, and yadda yadda. And you know… who am I to scoff? I mean, maybe the third time’s the charm. It worked for Flavor Flav! After 3 seasons of Flavor of Love, he ended up not dating or marrying any of those skanks and instead announced on the Season 3 reunion show that he’d be marrying the baby of his 7th child. About damn time. I’m not saying you have to be married to have kids… but SIX kids and NO nuptials? You gotta admit at the VERY least, that that’s a little unusual. But… wearing a huge clock is also unusual, so there ya go. Maybe at the very least, Bret will hang up his tattered straw hat and marry his babies’ mama, if not one of these prizes below.

Anyway, I decided to get an early jump and take a look at the contestants for Season 3 Rock of Love Bus. While I’m nowhere near ready to make an early prediction for front runners… I just had to share a few of the more… interesting (read: WEIRD) pictures I ran across.

	Meet Samantha. Now, I’ve heard rumors that the blondes immediately group together and get on one bus, leaving the brunettes to get on the other bus. Where will this redhead ride? I recommend… the short bus.
	Meet Nikki. *shudder* I can’t pick ONE thing to say about her. Probably because I feel like I am being suffocated by TWO things and it’s slowing the oxygen flow to my brain. But aside from her ridiculously out of proportion boob job, she looks like bobblehead doll, a lollypop head, AND I don’t like the way her shorts are rolled under. Not that I like the rest of her “outfit” (“costume” seems more fitting)… I don’t. But her shorts are weirding me out on her toothpick legs.
	Meet Farrah. As Miss Swan from Mad TV would say, “He look like a man…”. And when you’re able to tear your eyes from her/his face… go further down. No, don’t stop there, keep going, perverts. Is that a food baby?? I hope that’s all it is, otherwise Big John may be boiling water and fetching towels to help deliver her spawn, cause I’m willing to wager that Bret don’t know nothing’ bout birthin’ no babies!
	Meet Heather. Speaking of “babies”… sheeeesh how old is this one?? And why does she look so constipated? If this was her most flattering shot, I am *really* going to enjoy having her hang around for awhile. I think this one was just confused and thought she was going to school and instead hopped on the Love Bus. I just hope she doesn’t miss her Junior Prom.
	Meet Laurie. I can only rag on this picture because of her pose. “It’s sexy when I bite my finger, right?”. Other than that… this one looks fairly normal. That’s probably a sign we should be afraid. And I can’t tell, but she MIGHT be rocking some Kristy Jo eyebrows. I have no idea what possesses women to SHAVE THEIR EYEBROWS OFF and DRAW THEM ON every morning. For one, it never looks “good”, but what’s worse are those times when you’re running around with no makeup on… you look like a freak! Hopefully this is not the case and she’s just got them really highly arched for the pic.
	Meet Mindy. I really hope they stop and feed these girls at some point. This one looks like she just stepped off the set of CSI Vegas as “Victim #3”. Trivia fun: She is the twin sister to Cindy from Survivor Guatemala: The Maya Empire, Season 11. I hope she packed a hairbrush in that makeup case.
	And last, but not least of our sneak preview (there are many many more girls to be stupefied by), meet Melissa. When I saw this picture, all I could think of was Napoleon Dynamite. “Okay, hold still right there. Now… just imagine you’re weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses. *click* That was the one. That’s gonna come out really nice. “

See you tomorrow night, girls! xoxo