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You’ve speculated! You’ve googled! You’ve theorized! You’ve seen the spoilers! And now, the wait is finally over. Which girl will get Jason’s final rose? Melissa or Molly? OR DEANNA?

I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live-blogging tonight’s Bachelor season finale. Let’s do it!

8:03: Jason and his son Ty: REUNITED AND IT FEELS SOOOOO GOOD.

8:05: Melissa, Ty, and Jason are playing golf. She should have borrowed one of Molly’s argyle sweater vests.

Melissa is talking down to Ty like he’s a 4 year old. Oh, wait…

8:06: Jason left the golf course, and showed up 3 seconds later with A BABY LAMB. Unless he’s planning on romantically weaving Melissa a new sweater, I don’t get it.

Melissa jumped at the chance to tell an awful joke: “Why is the sheep so shy? … Because he was BAAASHFUL.”

8:08: Melissa is meeting Jason’s family, and they’re all freaking out that Jason didn’t get to meet HER family. Jason said, “in the end it not meeting her parents could make a huge difference.”

8:14: And… we’re still talking about Melissa’s parents. And in an unrelated note, I’m 95% sure Jason is wearing women’s jeans, complete with a flare leg.

8:20: Overall, Jason’s family loved Melissa. Jason said, “after today, I’m completely falling in love with Melissa.”

8:24: Next up, Molly is meeting Ty. Her voice is grating on my nerves.

Molly to Jason: “When you talk about Ty, you have this crazy light that comes out of your eyes.” If that’s not the fakest statement you’ve ever heard in your life, then what is?

8:26: Ty refused to high five Molly. He wouldn’t even look at her! He refused to throw her the frisbee! Well, you know what they say about kids and pets.

8:30: They’re flying a kite on the beach. It’s awkward and Molly is completely out of her element. She doesn’t know what to do without a 6 iron in her hand.

SIX MINUTES OF COMMERCIALS!

8:37: Now it’s Molly’s turn to meet the parents! Jason and Molly are sitting really far apart on the couch, and Jason’s brother is foaming at the mouth looking at Molly.

Jason said he has a tough decision. He doesn’t have “doubts” about either woman; it’s “which woman is better for him.” The family seems to like Molly MORE than they liked Melissa.

8:44: Jason is outside crying to his mother. He doesn’t know which woman to choose. “HE CAN’T ESCAPE THIS LIFE THAT HE’S LIVIN! HE’S IN THE MIX, HE’S IN LOVE WIT 2 WOMEN!”

8:52: Melissa called her mother and asked her to talk to Jason. She said she would.

8:54: Melissa and Jason are on a random boat in the pouring rain. Melissa’s in a bikini and they’re making out and… unfortunately, it was just revealed that she has a tramp stamp. That’s a shame.

8:56: Macro shot of Jason’s tongue in Melissa’s mouth.

8:58: Jason told Melissa, “I really have to go. But know I haven’t felt this way either.” Leading her on much?

9:04: Stop! Mollytime! Jason is face down on a massage table, and Molly is in a bikini straddling him. And oh God, Molly just said the S-word. “SOUL MATE.” Game off.

9:09: Molly put together a book for jason called “A Fairytale Love Story: Dedicated to Jason Scott, the love of my life.” It’s a collection of poems, mementos, and other general cheesiness that no man would want to have to sit and look through. Even dcornier, she referred to herself in the 3rd person. “This has been the most incredible journey Molly has ever been on!”

9:17: Jason is calling Melissa’s parents. Jason said it was “better than he expected” and it “made him feel better about everything.”

9:18: ENTER DEANNA, rolling up to the house in a limo. Jason looks like he saw a ghost. They haven’t seen each other since last season’s “After The Final Rose.”

9:19: Deanna said “I chose the wild card. If I chose you, it would have worked. You had all the things I was looking for. If I was to go back and follow what I wanted, I would have made a different decision. If you haven’t proposed yet, you still have a chance, and that’s why I’m here.”

Jason: “Umm… I guess all I can do is thank you for giving me this opportunity. I hated being hurt because I did fall in love with you. But I found 2 girls who I’m completely falling for.” He then walked her to the limo and said peace out.

WTF? I eagerly waited all season for THAT visit from Deanna?! It was the most anti-climactic scene ever! DAMN YOU ABC.

9:28: Jason said he is “more confused than ever.” Just like I was during my organic chemistry exam last semester.

9:30: Jason just picked out a ring, but still claims to be “completely torn between the two women.” He said, Molly is “fun and passionate and exciting” but Melissa is “unbelievable in every way.”

9:32: Two minutes of footate of the girls in the mirror teasing their hair. Enough already.

ed yet, you still have a chance, and that’s why I’m here.”

Jason: “Umm… I guess all I can do is thank you for giving me this opportunity. I hated being hurt because I did fall in love with you. But I found 2 girls who I’m completely falling for.” He then walked her to the limo and said peace out.

WTF? I eagerly waited all season for THAT visit from Deanna?! It was the most anti-climactic scene ever! DAMN YOU ABC.

9:28: Jason said he is “more confused than ever.” Just like I was during my organic chemistry exam last semester.

9:34: Six minutes of the girls staring in the mirror and teasing their hair. Enough already!

9:40: Finally! The final rose ceremony! Jason is freaking out. The first girl out of the limo is… MOLLY. She’s wearing a long purple dress. She looks nice.

Molly: “Before you say anything, I want you to know this has been the most incredible journey I have ever been on and I wouldn’t take back a minute of it.”

Jason: “Every time you look at me with those eyes, you have me. You’ve got me locked in and it’s a place I don’t ever want to leave. You’re amazing in every way possible. And I don’t know how I could ever let you go. BUT I HAVE TO.”

Silence.

Jason: “I never ever wanted to say goodbye to you. And I wish I had some good reasons other than I’m in love with someone else.”

More silence.

Jason: “I’m so sorry.”

Molly: “I guess I just don’t understand. I think you’ve made a mistake, a big one.” Typical cocky Molly response. Peace out, Molly.

Jason at the limo: “Everything was real. I started falling in love with you very early on. Always know that.” Molly genuinely looks shocked. Her ego was way too big. She thought she had it in the bag. She keeps saying, “he made a big mistake and he’s gonna learn it the hard way.”

Back home, Jason is crying and looks like he wants to fling himself over the balcony. He seems really conflicted and I’m starting to wonder if these “After The Final Rose” spoilers are true.

9:53: UGH, Dancing With The Stars is coming back. Guys, no one watch it, k? Then maybe ABC will do the world a favor and stop airing it.

9:55: Here comes Melissa! She’s wearing a pale peach gown with gold straps, and she looks phenomenal… except her hair looks REALLY ratty.

Jason: “Our very 1st date I started falling for you. You make me happier than I ever have in my entire life and I’ve wanted to tell you something for a long time now, and that is I’m completely in love with you. And there’s one more thing.”

(Reaches in pocket, grabs ring, down on one knee)

Jason: “Melissa, I love you. Will you make me the happiest man?”

Melissa turned around and screamed, and of course, accepted. She’s shaking. They seem happy. And right now, everyone in America is saying: “IF HE HURTS MELISSA I WILL NEVER WATCH ABC EVER AGAIN.”

Next: AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Chris Harrison is introducing the show. “Normally, here on after the final rose, we would talk to the happy couple and celebrate their journey of love. Tonight is different. What you’re about to witness is so dramatic that we decided to keep the taping as intimate as possible.”

Jason is coming out alone. The whole mood is somber and really serious. Jason said, “It’s been a crazy time. You know, I came here to find someone like Melissa and she is incredible and sweet and…”

HOLY SHIT, HE’S DUMPING MELISSA. The spoilers were true.

Jason said the chemistry was totally different after the show, and said Melissa only knows “things feel completely different for me.”

Jason: “Over the last few weeks I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Molly. I tried but I can’t control how I’m feeling – the real honest true feelings and I wish they weren’t there.”

Look. Some relationships work. Some don’t. I get that. But dumping someone on TELEVISION, in a situation like this, makes Jason a 1st class SCUMBAG.

Chris: “You’re telling me you’re still in love with Molly?”

Jason: “Yes.”

Apparently they haven’t talked since the day he sent her home in New Zealand. And he plans on breaking up with Melissa ON TELEVISION. And this had to be all set up by ABC. But playing with people’s emotions for ratings is disgusting. Sad.

Melissa has been backstage and hasn’t heard any of this. She’s coming out now and has no clue she’s about to get totally blindsided.

Jason: “Our conversations have been how things are different, how I feel like things are different.” Yeah, because you want to date someone else. That tends to throw a wrench into things, buddy. “The chemistry started changing. We’re not right for each other.”

Melissa: “I thought things were perfect.” Crying. “The second you start having doubts, you don’t talk to me about it, but you just pull away and don’t even try.” She’s right. “Something happened and you have yet to be honest.”

Jason: “What I realized is that I was falling for 2 people at the same time. And I still have feelings for Molly.”

I give Melissa credit for being so composed. I’d be going ape-shit. This is worse than a Springer episode.

Best line of the night: Melissa: “That’s your decision, YOU BASTARD.”

Melissa: “I wish you just let me go instead of doing this to me.” I feel so bad for her. Jason replied, “I hate myself for what I’m doing to Melissa. BUT I want to give it a shot with Molly.”

Melissa: “Don’t call me. Leave me alone.” And with that she walked off set and Jason cried some more of his bullshit crocodile tears. Boy, he’s really laying it on thick for the cameras.

10:30: Molly is backstage and hasn’t heard anything that just happened. She’s coming out… after the next 8 YEAR COMMERCIAL BREAK.

10:36: Heeeere’s Molly. Do you think she has on enough make-up? Jesus. Is she performing on Broadway after the show?

Molly: “I didn’t know how to deal with heartbreak because I’d never been in that position before.” Oh my God. Get off your horse, Molly. She continued, “He’s such an incredible person and I’ll never deny that. I was in love with Jason, and just because he didn’t choose me doesn’t mean that’s all going to go away overnight.”

(Sidebar: I CALL BULLSHIT. I don’t believe Molly and Jason haven’t been talking.)

10:45: Jason’s back on stage with Molly now.

Jason: “I fell to my knees after you got in the limo. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. What you need to know is that Melissa was out here earlier and I ended things with her because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

(interjection: this feels fake and so rehearsed. Molly’s reactions are not genuine at all. She’s trying way too hard to act surprised and shocked.)

Jason: “I think the most insincere thing I could do is jump real fast from one thing to another but I was hoping we could have a shot, like go out for coffee or a drink and see where things…”

Molly: (snidely laughing)… “Um… what about Melissa?”

Jason: “What I did to her was horrible. Nobody deserves the pain she went through but I don’t want to live my life with any regrets. I know that when I think about living in the moment, it’s with you.”

I can almost hear the ABC producers saying, “Don’t take him back yet, Molly, we still have 10 minutes left.”

Molly’s still speechless. Jason’s still stuttering like a fool. This got old 25 minutes ago.

Molly: “We still have a lot to talk about but my feelings never went away. I think we can see where things to. This is something I dreamed of but never expected to hear.” Now her hand is on his knee. “There’s a piece of me that’s confused – I am blown away right now but there’s bigger discussions that we need to have but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad this is happening right now.”

And now they’re holding hands.

Jason: “I came here to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with, and you are that person.”

And now they’re making out.

And I’m revolted.

In closing, I’m walking away from this season of The Bachelor seriously disliking the show, and seriously disliking Jason Mesnick. Molly and Jason are about as two-faced as they come, and they should live happily ever after. Until they break up like every other couple on The Bachelor, that is.

Thanks for reading. I’m Jillian Madison and I’m…………………. OUT.

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The Bachelor (Jason) – Final 3 Girls: Jillian, Melissa, and Molly (2/16/09).

Hi, I’m Jillian Madison, and I’m live-blogging The Bachelor: the final 3 girls for Pophangover. Let’s do it!

Tonight on The Bachelor, Jason is taking the 3 girls to New Zealand for “exotic overnight dates.” Translation: Jason is going to have a lot of sex, with 3 different women.

8:08: …and we’re still recapping the last 2 episodes. Because apparently, we all have memory problems. “What? Jillian made Jason eat a hot dog? When did THAT happen?”

8:13: Oh look, Molly is wearing another argyle sweater. And so is her father. The apple doesn’t fall far from the golf cart. (Yes, we’re still recapping. No wonder this show is 2 hours.)

8:15: Jason and Jillian are on a helicopter tour of New Zealand. Mountains, ocean, and sky. It’s majestic and gorgeous. Jillian’s wearing a flannel shirt – maybe she’s planning on chopping some wood for a cozy fire later.

8:19: Jason just said Jillian was someone he could “be friends with forever” – but he is looking for more “passion.”

8:23: Jason and Jillian are at a winery. They’re talking about boring things. I hate her off-white dress; it looks like a hospital bed sheet.

8:27: Jillian decided to spend the night with Jason to “see if they connect physically.” Why so technical? You’re having sex, not setting up a wireless network in your office.

8:29: Jason and Jill are making out in the hot tub. Cheesy porn music is playing in the background. I’m not even kidding.

8:35: We’re back from commercial, and Jason and Molly are now making out under an umbrella, -ella, -ella, hey hey hey.

8:36: Molly and Jason are bungee jumping off of a HUGE ASS BRIDGE. Molly looks mortified.

8:38: They’re about to jump off the bridge. Either it’s cold, or Jason’s terrified, because his nipples are poking through his shirt and could possibly cut glass. Oh, they jumped, and it was really underwhelming.

8:40: Molly brought a “list of questions” for Jason. And she’s not kidding. There are like 50 questions on her list. “If you could eat only 1 food for the rest of your life…” – HAMBURGER. “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?” -Peanut butter and chocolate. Um, did she get this off of a MYSPACE SURVEY?

8:41: She asked Jason, “What is your dream car?” and he responded, “A MUSTANG.” Um, ew, that’s a dealbreaker for me. I’ll no longer be live blogging. Sorry.

8:42: Ok, I reconsidered. I’m back. Did you miss me?

8:43: Molly is still asking questions. Their interaction is forced and fake and awkward to listen to. She said she had one more question, but was going to “save it until later.” What could it be? “How many argyle sweaters do you own?” or “You have to hit a golf ball 50 yards, would you use a 5 iron or a 6 iron?”

8:48: Jason and Molly are at dinner. The conversation is slllooowww. I feel like I’m eavesdropping in on a really bad first date.

8:50: Molly said she’s not part of a “mushy gushy family.” Um, is she talking about their bodies?

8:53: Ooh, Molly asked the final question: “Will you spend the night with me?” Of course, Jason said yes. They’re walking arm in arm to the suite – and I feel like I’m watching an arranged marriage that’s about to be consummated.

8:59: Back from commercial, and Jason is meeting Melissa in a really pretty park. He picked her up and is spinning her around, and they look happy. In other words, the complete opposite of his date with Molly.

9:01: Melissa and Jason are on Winston Churchill’s old boat, sailing around beautiful New Zealand… while I’m sitting in my office, shifting my body weight around on a really uncomfortable Ikea couch. Be honest, who would you rather be right now?

9:04: Jason keeps saying how disappointed he is that he didn’t get to meet Melissa’s family. Oh, wait, his tongue is down his throat. Seems like he’s getting over it just fine.

9:05: They’re drinking champagne in a hot tub in a spa, overlooking a sweeping New Zealand vista. Melissa is getting choked up over the fact that her parents didn’t want to “be a part of this.” What is wrong with her parents? Are they in the fucking witness protection program?

9:12: I can’t help but wonder… how bad would it suck for one of these girls if they had THEIR PERIOD for the overnight date? Jason insinuated he couldn’t completely fall in love with someone without meeting their parents. Could he fall in love with someone without sleeping with them? All signs point to no.

9:15: Melissa agreed to spend the night with Jason in the fantasy suite. Melissa told Jason she’s “never felt like this” and that she’s “absolutely fallen in love with him.” He cut her off with a kiss, like he always does. He replied with, “you’re amazing…” which is one step below “DITTO.”

9:30: Each girl made video messages for Jason. Jill said, “Hey babe, thanks for showing me what it feels like to fall in love again.” Molly said, “Hey J, I had an amazing time, you made it easy for me to open up, and I’m serious about you.” Melissa said, “I want to thank you for making it so easy for me to talk with you and fall in love with you. Thank you for being you, I Miss you and I love you.” Jason is sweating profusely. He looks like he’s going to pass out.

9:38: Another 8 minutes of commercials. Literally. These are the longest commercial breaks I have ever seen in my life.

9:40: Three nervous women. Two red roses. And a partridge in a pear tree.

9:41: Jason: “You 3 are the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, inside and out, and I am falling for all 3 of you for different reasons. I have to do one of the most selfish things that I’ve ever done, and that’s break one of your hearts tonight.” And with that, he reached for a rose.

9:42: First rose goes to… MELISSA.

9:42: Second rose goes to… MOLLY. Jillian is OUT! They’re sitting on a bench, and Jason said “Sorry. I’ve never met anyone like you before, like, ever. But our lives are a little bit different.” Jill said, “I don’t think our lives are that different. I have fallen in love with you which I’ve never been able to do before in my life. I just had a dream where Ty tried on a pair of my shoes, and then we took a nap, and blah blah blah…” Sure. Go back to Canada with some dignity Jillian, eh?

And, that’s it for this week. The final 10 minutes of this episode will be preview clips from next week’s reunion show, and from the finale episode which airs in two weeks. Molly and Melissa go to Jason’s hometown to meet Jason’s family. Oh yeah, and Deanna Pappas shows up again and tries to win Jason back. Hold onto your seats guys, this is gettin’ good.

(If you want to read a spoiler on who Jason picks, and gets engaged to, just click here and watch the video.)

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The Bachelor: Season 13 – Episode 6 Review (Air date: 2/9/09)

Last week, Jason brought the 5 remaining women to Seattle to see how they could handle life in his hometown. Melissa’s date nearly got cancelled because Ty just didn’t want him to go, but it ended up being a nice intimate date for 3, and I think Melissa scored even more points. Jason took Molly, Stephanie, and Jillian on a tour of Seattle and they put the romance on the air as they visited the radio station. Molly and Jason climbed the rock wall and finally got their alone time together and found they had that bone. He really struggled with Jillian and was afraid that she would be the one that could break his heart. In the end, he decided to say goodbye to Stephanie. She wished all the girls the best, and I think she really meant it.

Tonight it’s Jason’s turn to visit the families. From the previews, looks like we’re in for some treats.

He’s pondering his passageway with each girl from how he saw them fresh out of the limo to how he knows them now… you know, the typical sappy stuff. It appears that the one he questions most is Molly. She seems very much ready to be in love to be in love. But she loves adventures. So is her going on the show just another adventure? Another wild ride? He’s also troubled because things with Melissa are “too perfect” and he’s very anxious to meet her family to find out more about who she truly is.

First hometown date is in British Columbia, Canada where he’ll meet Jillian and her family. It’s amazing for me how over just a few weeks Jillian went from “hot dog girl” to “Jillian”. I just cannot keep up with them where there are so many. I don’t mean it as an insult. I am just bad with names.

He’s looking to find out if Jillian is as into him as much as he is into her. They definitely have a bond, but I think at this point you can way that about all the girls. She picked a certain destination… instead of her home, she picked her grandma’s house, where she spent every summer growing up. They toured a winery. I admit, I thought it was pretty there. I think my sap is starting to flow.

Jillian has news about her family. In the 80s, they were on top of the world. Worked hard, played hard. Her mom developed serious depression, so it was a very rough 15 years or so. Her mom tried to take her own life several times. Her dad would leave her mom and then come back because he really did love her. Apparently it’s pretty much under control now, but she thanks him for listening. He’s had similar issues in his past, so he knows how much it means just to get your family member back.

When Jillian brought Jason over to the house, it was like Canadian overload. I get it. She’s Canadian But are all those flags nexessary?

Mom gave a teary eyed toast at how awesome Jillian is. She also takes Jason out alone and talks about her bout with depression. Jillian talks about how the other girls tease her about her Canadian accent (it’s not THAT strong) and Jillian is happy, but she just won’t feel “right” until Grandma gets there. Like clockwork, she shows up and out funnies them all. Jason realizes that a life with Jillian would be a life full of laughter and good times. He says it will be very hard to beat. He hates to leave Jillian and her awesome family, but it’s time for hometown date #2 with Molly.

Molly is in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She’s waiting at the country club for him to arrive. I see some golf in the future. Molly’s mentioned SEVERAL times that if her family didn’t approve with the guy, she’d never marry or even date a guy that her family doesn’t love. She predicts that her family will just have simple conversations to get to know him. Nothing to worry about (yeah right… he’s the only one in three years she’s brought home). Pan to the camera showing her parents staring out the door waiting impatiently on them. GAH I feel nervous for him. Jason brings up the safe subject of golf… talking about how Molly told him about how they always played every Sunday. At this time, he chooses to bring up Ty, and how he takes him out to the greens and lets him play while he plays golf. I have no idea why, but suddenly, Mary Ann (the “mom”) brings out a box of hats and they all put one on. Jason is an Indian Chief. Seriously… nobody knows why she’s doing this. This isn’t a tradition or anything. It’s just….. random. They ask him to draw Molly’s face at a certain time. He draws her face like he sees her at the rose ceremonies. How even though she’s scared and it’s nerve wracking, she always smiles and those gorgeous green eyes are always shining through. Her Dad makes her promise not to cry if the time ever comes where he doesn’t pick her. Nice, Dad. No pressure.

The day’s at an end already? That one seemed fast. I like Molly… but I don’t LIKE Molly. She can stay or go, I’m flexible. On to hometown date #3!

Hometown date #3 in California with Naomi, and they promise us it’s a date like NO other. Her mom does sitting out waiting on Jason talking again about how she’s ready for a family. She needs to keep shoving that down our throats.

She says she needs to talk to him. The talk he had with her freaked her out a little bit and she wants him to know that she’s 100% here for him AND for Ty and that this is what she wants for her life. Even hearing those words…. Jason is still unsure.

They’re off to meet the family. Naomi is actually shaking. I think we’re about to see why. She says her family is “interesting”. “Every family is different and mine’s probably as crazy as it gets”. OH good. Opened doors, lots of running squealing, jumping, hugging. Too many people for me to keep up with. Her parents divorced when she was 11. Her Mom brought all the hula hoops out and they had a hula hoop contest. Jason… you suck at hula hooping.

Then Mom explains how last week, a dove “committed suicide” by flying into her car windshield, so she decided to BAG the dove and kept it in the freezer until Jason got there. They ask if Jason will help bury the dead dove and maybe say a little eulogy for the dove. Jason cannot conceal the “What the hell is wrong with you people?” look on his face. I’m calling it now. Bye bye, Naomi.

They’ve named the dove “Rosie”. Jason mumbles some words about how she’s touched them all. The mother explains how this is a celebration of life and there is no such thing as death. The step dad has his alone time with Jason. Talking about his divorce. And how Jesus got him through it. And wondering how Jason got through his own divorce.

Now it’s Naomi’s mom’s turn. Jason figures he got all the “weird” out with the dad, so Mom should be a cake walk. NO. Jason, never ever EVER think that it can’t get worse. Trust me, it CAN. Naomi’s mom would like to talk about…. reincarnation! I know, right? What better way than to get to know your potential future son in law by discussing past and future lives. She’s an Indigo, for what it’s worth, and feels that Jason is also an indigo.

Dad hugs Naomi and Naomi wants to know what he thinks of Jason. Dad tells it like it is… that it’s important to him that Jason is as serious about Jesus as Naomi is. I was kind of proud of Naomi for basically shutting up her Dad by saying that she’d marry the person she knew she’d be in love with forever, and when you do that, magic can happen. Sorry, Naomi. You’re cute but you’re still going home tonight.

Last but certainly not least…. date #4 with Melissa in Dallas. OH no. Right off the bat, we have drama. She announces that he’ll be meeting some of her best friends. When he questions her on that, she has to come out and honestly say that her family is NOT comfortable being on public TV for this type show. Ok, so this throws a little kink into the works, but do not fret, Melissa. Remember my notes that I scribbled as I watched episode one of this season. Beside your name, I have “Winner Winner Chicken Dinner”. Hrm, let me get a pic of that.

Anyway, on with the 4th and final hometown date. Jason says that this date means SO much to him. That it’s been nothing but perfect since she stepped out of the limo, and that meeting her parents is going to answer SO many questions that he has about her. It’s clear that he cares about her SO much.

She brings him to a blanket and says she made something for Ty. She made him a Tooth Fairies box. She is such a sweetheart. She said “It’s weird being home and not talking to anybody.” He is all smiley and says “But you’re about to though!” and she’s all “Uhmmmm I do need to talk to you about that.” Poor Melissa. My heart sank for her. Jason looks a little puzzled and maybe even displeased at the news that he won’t be meeting her parents right now. He is such a sweetie, he asked how Melissa felt about it. She said she was upset because she was SO excited about Jason and just wanted to show them, but they just didn’t feel like they could “be themselves” on camera. So even when things are flipped around and he doesn’t get HIS way… he’s still concerned with her feelings. That’s a mark of a good man.

I’m so thankful that she has good friends that will walk her through this. He’s meeting 2 of her married friends… one set has 2 kids. So it’s a good match up. They looked very comfortable. The kids love Melissa. All kids are drawn to her.

Her friends were great. They said that she was an amazing girl and that she deserved an amazing guy. And that they hadn’t met ANY of the guys she’d been dating because they just weren’t good enough.

She had tears in her eyes talking to her girl friends about how he makes her feel beautiful. Now see? This is what I mean by sap? I totally know that feeling and it’s such a good feeling and I think everybody should have it and…. yeah this is where I start going downhill. Sorry y’all. LOL

Now it’s Jason’s turn with the girls. He expresses his disappointment about not meeting her family, but they inform him that she really isn’t that close to him. One of the friends only met them once. Jason cannot fathom that her closest friends don’t even know Melissa’s family.

Back at Melissa’s suite, she explains that she got her motherly nurturing side from her mom and her adventurous side from her dad. She says she’s 110% in love with Jason right now.

Now Jason’s back in Seattle, but he’s met 4 amazing groups of people, so he has a lot to think about. Chris knocks on his door. Chris is never the bearer of good news. He wants to know about the 4 dates. Jason tells about how he learned more about Jillian before he even met her family but after meeting them, feels closer. They have a connection, but is it enough?

Molly’s hometown was awesome. She opened up about her family. They’re conservative people, but they have a fun side too. As much as he adores Molly… is she ready for that next step.

Naomi’s family was NOT something he expected. But even with the warning that she was “quirky”, he was not prepared. He told about the dove ceremony.

He told Chris all about how disappointed he was with Melissa and the questions he had. He had some of them answered, but not all of them. He knows he has a lot of pressure tonight, not only for himself ,but also for whoever he’s sending home. And after meeting their families and friends, it makes it so much harder.

Rose ceremony!! Only 3 laying on the platter. Man, time flies!

Jason says he doesn’t know where to start, but then immediately says how this was one of the best weeks of his life.

FIRST ROSE:
Molly. She was glad her parents didn’t scare him away.
SECOND ROSE:
Jillian.
THIRD ROSE:
WAIT… here’s Chris reminding us that there’s only one left. Thanks for that!
Melissa. (well I know *I* am happy)

Naomi looks like she could rip his throat off and shit down his neck. Seriously. She is ANGRY. She hugs all the girls goodbye and I wondered if she was even going to let Jason walk her out, as is tradition. He apologizes and tells her she’s wonderful, as is her family. He just thinks in his heart that they’re in different places. That she is going to conquer the world, and that he just doesn’t think she’s ready to settle down yet. He says he sees no faults with her and she wishes him all the best. Now into the limo she goes. Scoot on outta here!!

Man… I always hate seeing them cry. Like on episode one and they’re crying, I think they’re dumbasses because you do NOT bond with somebody that quickly. But by this time… this feeling has GOT to suck.

Jason goes back in to the happy smiling girls and tells them that they are going to New Zealand! WOOT! I’m actually excited about this one! I think it’ll be awesome!!

See ya there!

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The Bachelor: Season 13 – Episode 5 Review (Air date: 2/2/09)

I’m so disturbed that at the end of last episode, Shannon said she’d use her electric toothbrush and then give her dog the biggest French kiss ever. WTF? That is just VILE.

Anyway, on with tonight! The 5 final women are going home with Jason to Seattle! Looks like we’re in for some drama, and after all… isn’t that why we’re here?

This week will have one group date and 2 very romantic 1 on 1 dates. No roses. Nobody’s safe after their dates. At least not until the rose ceremony.

Jason’s sis in law has Ty waiting to see his dad. I’m a little confused. They said on the first ep that Ty was in CA with his dad and now we’re having this tearful reunion. Anyway, whatev. TV is for drama.

Melissa’s got the first 1 on 1 date. YEAH, you go! (sorry for the bias, but I do like her. Can’t help it!). Jason will be back at 7:30 for her. In the meantime, Naomi is doing math (smell the smoke?) and she figures out SHE has not had a 1 on 1 yet, so she figured it’d be her turn!

Ty’s gonna help dress Daddy. Now, if this were REAL tv, we all know Jason would walk out looking like a complete idiot. But this is TV, so Ty will be like Clinton from What Not to Wear. Oohh Ty is being bratty. He sees Daddy leaving and he’s not too fond of that idea. That’s gotta suck. I mean, kids need their parents, but at the same time, parents need grownup time too. As a single mom, I’ve been there and that stuff happens. Hopefully they’ll find a happy medium. I’m hoping Melissa comes over to hang with Jason and Ty.

Yessssssssssss I got it on the nose! Melissa is such a good girl. She’s gonna go dress more chill and then hop in the car. Now THAT is a good girl. Say what you will about these media whores, but I like this one.
Hrm… she got in the limo still in a dress. I hope she packed a bag with some sloppy clothes. Or she can always borrow Jason’s B-ball shorts. What girl doesn’t love stealing her s/o’s clothes? I know I do. I’m a little bugged though. I mean, if there was a reason for Ty needing Jason there, that’s one thing. But this seemed more like it was just possibly a kid pulling some bratty strings, which I’m NOT cool with. Like I said before… parents have needs too. Eh, I’ll let it go for now.

The girls at the house are really feeling bitter about this. They’re taking this “date change” really hard and I’m not sure why exactly. I think they’d have rather them had one of those romantic fancy dates rather than her hanging at Jason’s house with Ty (but not even meeting Ty). Jealous hos.

Anybody else noticing how he looks at Melissa? He’s totally into her. No faking that kind of look.

Date box! Gotta be the group one, right? They’d not have 2 1 on 1’s in a row would they?

Stephanie, Jillian, and Molly “Open your heart because love is on the air”. This means Naomi gets the 1 on 1 date, and she hadn’t had one yet, so this is special for her.

Group date begins and Jason wants to show the girls the best of Seattle. I like Stephanie’s vest. Sorry. ADD moment. I always think vests are so cute but I can never find anything to look cute under them.

Jason grabs Stephanie for some alone time. She drives the boat (oh please she’s not actually steering, you’re just humoring us). Yep, I do like her fuzzy vest. He asks her how she’s doing without Sophia, and she says she’s okay. It’s hard, but she’s managing. Wow, I still cannot get over her face and how it looks all Botoxed and just… wrong. ”

After that little bit of alone time, Jason takes the 3 girls to a radio station that means nothing to me. Hey, I’m from Arkansas, cut me some slack here. They keep the girls in a room where they can SEE Jason but not hear anything he says. Back home, Melissa and Naomi are listening to the show. First they ask Jason which of his dates was his favorite… after much thinking, he said his date with Stephanie and her daughter was the most special. Now… I’m not thinking it’s because of Stephanie, but I could be wrong. It happens sometimes. Then they ask Jason who of the 3 is the best kisser. After some deliberation, he says Molly is. By this point, poor Melissa is dissecting every word spoken and she’s all “Does he mean out of EVERYONE or out of those three????” Take a valium Melissa… it’s gonna be okay.

Then they bring the girls in, blindfold Jason, and ask him to see if he can identify which girl is which by their kiss.

OH come on now! I haven’t (and won’t) kissed any of these girls but I guarandamntee you that *I* can tell them apart. Jillian makes no bones about it. She flat out says that she stuck her tongue deep in his throat so he’d know it was her. Her or a hot dog, your call. Stephanie aka the crypt keeper did this weird looking thing… I wish I’d saved the show, but it looked like she kissed his hands, then his face, very gently. Gee, I wonder who THAT could be. That only leaves Molly, who does a fairly normal makeout kiss. The radio people ask them what their approach is in the bedroom. Molly says she loves lingerie and just being silly and having fun. Stephanie says she likes to take care of her man, even if that means kissing every inch of him. Back home, Melissa just dropped dead of a heart attack. REVIVE HER! I like that one!

After the radio show, they go to a fancypants restaurant to get dinner, drinks, and chill out. Jason pulls Jillian to the side because he’s noticed that since they’ve been in Seattle, she’s been different.

How many times have we heard this story? Well, you’re gonna hear it again. “Yes, Jason… I first came on here for laughs and to have fun and I didn’t expect to grow to have real feelings for you and I’m falling for you and I’m scared!.” He questions her about being ready to settle down with a family and she assures him that she is. They end their time with a kiss.

Back at the hotel, Naomi gets her date card. Melissa is happy for her… but she’s also a little jealous. The card hints at “heights” and as we’ve all seen on the previews, they’re going on a seaplane. She’s got to get ready!

Jason takes Molly outside for a walk to talk about some things, while inside Jillian sucks that she has not been taken on a walk. I think it’s hilarious that she thinks these “walks” are something so important.

I want to interject here and mention… has anybody besides me noticed that ALL of these girls have perfect families? Not one of them say, “Well, my daddy just got out of the pen and he’s going to be working at my brother’s tattoo shop. He’s the one that did this one here on the back of my calf. See?” They’re all so damn perfect. Ugh. Anyway.

Molly tells him that her family will adore him, but then adds that they will probably have to play some beer pong. That is the most normal statement ever. I like her just for that.

The next day, Jason meets Naomi for their 1 on 1 (FINALLY). They go rock wall climbing at REI. That looks fun. When they get down, there’s a secluded campsite with a firepit and fondue. Sweet! Jason beings to ask about Naomi’s family and she’s honest. She tells him that they’ve had some ups and downs… rough times… you know, like MOST of us have. This bothers Jason. I mean, if she comes from a family like that, then maybe she won’t make a stable partner.

Uhhhhh Hello. Earth to Jason. Just because NAOMI’S parents had problems doesn’t mean NAOMI does. And lest I point out, YOU are the one that is DIVORCED, you TWIT! *thwap* (that’s the sound I’d make upside his head if I could reach him right now)

Naomi talks about how she’d love to adopt other children and she and Jason settle in for the night at their make believe campsite at REI.

The next morning, Jason and Ty spend some father/son time for the TV, and then Jason bursts in on the women at the hotel unannounced. He does this a lot. I think he likes seeing them without 300 layers of makeup and false lashes. It amuses me. He asks if he can take Jillian out for awhile.

Hey Jillian…. will THIS count as one of those walks you’ve been missing out on? Because I’m so tired of hearing about them. He tells her that out of all the women, he feels like she could break his heart the easiest. He’s concerned about her being such a strong woman and why she needs to be so strong. Ummm maybe she’s just a strong woman, Jason. They make them like that these days you know.

Jason is preparing for his rose ceremony when “DING DING” here’s Chris to remind us that we’re about to have a rose ceremony. Thanks, Chris. Don’t know what we’d do without you!

Now, the 4 women that stay tonight will be the 4 that take Jason home for the hometown dates, so this is a pretty big deal. Jason’s sweating it hardcore and says he needs to ask Naomi one more question.

Naomi…. what color IS that shade of blue? Glow in the dark blue?

No, that’s not what he asked her. He asked her if she felt she was ready to leave her single lifestyle behind. The other women look like they are going to spaz the hell out. She smiles and assures him that she is more than ready.

Rose ceremony begins:
Jillian, Melissa, Molly.

Chris helpfully pops back in to let us know there’s only one rose left. That’s what you get the big bucks for, man.

Stephanie or Naomi?

Final rose…. Naomi.

Stephanie looks crushed, but later to camera, she does say that she never felt that “head over heels” feeling for him. Riiiight. You just go home, take care of your kid, and kiss that scary statue in your garden.

So, next week…. hometown dates begin. What about the big DeAnna blowup??? I feel robbed. When is THAT gonna happen?!?

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The Bachelor: Season 13 – Episode 4 Review (Air date: 1/26/09)

Catching up as quickly as I can, I see that last week’s Bachelor starts off with none other than a singing contest. Oh boy. It was bad enough when DeAnna did it. I mean, at least some of the guys were hot. But these girls? Just gouge out my ears now, please.

Of course strategies abound.

Shannon is going do to a rap because Jason did a rap when he was on DeAnna’s Bachelorette show and when he was 3 he invented rap and then in 10th grade won 3rd place in his rap group “Dirty White Boys” at the school talent show. No, I made those parts up. But seriously, she is stalkerlicious!!

Lauren knows all about music and thinks she’ll do really good with the big words that none of the other girls know. She’s got this one in the bag.

Nikki is crying her eyes out. She can’t sing. (Uhhh neither could any of the guys in the last season. That’s what makes it FUNNY, dummy head. Have you never seen Karaoke??)! She is in serious need of xanax. Or valium. Or a combo.

Judge Jason enters and sits on his judge chair. The girls all sing their silly little songs. Is it just me, or is Shannon getting more unlikable every damn day? Anyway, then it’s Stephanie’s turn.

She started with this operatic type thing. I swear the windows in my house shattered and Mariah Carey dropped by saying, “You called?”.

Lauren took it to a level of American Idol. You got it, Dawg! You’re my dawg, Dawg!

Last but not least was Nikki. Apparently everybody knew about her fear, because they were all encouraging her. She said, “I wrote this song, not exactly for you… but for how I would sing it to my baby.”

CUT.
Ok, that’s sweet and all, but can we not just follow the damn rules?!? Sing a fucking song. How hard can it be?

Anyway, her song was sweet. Her voice was by no means professional, but lovely just the same. All that crying was for absolutely nothing. Jason said Nikki would be doing SO well if only she’d relax.

Who gets the rose for their performance? Clearly Lauren, since she’s the only one with any talent. Nope, sorry, it’s Molly who came up and sang a corny song about the two of them. Her date card read “Let’s Stay In Tonight At My Place. – Jason”.

Molly comes down lugging a HUGE and obviously heavy suitcase. For ONE night. WTF is she packing?? I am the first to admit that I am an over packer. I like to be prepared like a scout. But this was ridiculous!! ONE night??

Camera pans to Shannon who is showing more jealousy. Oh I’m asking again. Is it just me? Shannon is getting uglier and uglier. Both inside and outside.

Doorbell rings! GROUP DATE CARD!

The Group Date card is important because if you get it… you have to share a lot of time with Jason. BUT… if you aren’t on the card, then you’re on the 2 on 1 date which means one of you stays, one goes. Like a cage match.

Group Date: Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Melissa, Megan, Naomi. Only hint, “Wanna play doctor?”

Stephanie and Nikki are a little slow on the uptake but they eventually figure out that they’re the 2 left for the 2 on one date. This is hard, because they are good friends. Nikki has yet to reveal to Jason that she ended an 11 year relationship a little over a year ago. Stephanie thinks she might want to do that. Yes, and I think Stephanie might want to lay off the Botox.

Back to the one on one with Molly and Jason. There’s a campsite, smores, a tent. He says he thought it’d be nice to stay in for a change. Honestly it looks perfect to me, but I’m a real low key kind of girl myself and that type of date would impress me way more than the “fancy” ones. She puts on some of his basketball shorts and tee shirt and they snuggle down to begin their date.

Molly admits that she IS intimidated by the other girls. He reassures her by telling her that he more he gets to know her, the more he likes her, and he gives her her rose. So she’s safe for elimination. Pshew.

Then Jason talks some nonsense about being tired and retiring to the tent for the night. Molly jumps on that chance. Soon we hear zippers unzipping and lots of “mmm mmm” but that means nothing as we’ve learned from many years of reality tv.

Shannon is literally waiting up for Molly to come home. Stephanie was keeping her company, but even she gave it up and went to bed, leaving Shannon to keep the post alone.

The next morning, the limo drops off Molly in Jason’s clothes. As Molly put it, “I’m the first girl on The Bachelor to have to do the walk of shame”. She’s got her rose though.

Shannon questions what time she got home and did not look happy at her answer of “just now”. Man, Jason is gonna be TIRED on that group date today. Molly says she’s going upstairs and is gonna sleep all day because she’s exhausted. That’s right… keep rubbing it in. I know I would. LOL

Shannon is on a mission today. He’s seen her crying. He’s seen her vomiting. He’s going to see her fun side today! The girls get excited as the limo pulls up to the set of General Hospital. Each of the girls have different scripts with Jason… some with kisses, some without. Megan’s scene ends with a passionate kiss, and she’s jazzed about that. Shannon’s scene is that she’s crushing on Jason. Wow.. How did they know? As she plays her scene, she manages to fit a kiss in. As the professionals advise, “NO TONGUE”. Sorry, Shannon.

Melissa grows more and more uneasy with each kiss scene. She really is a sweetheart and I liked her from her limo exit. I seriously thought Melissa was going to go insane during Naomi’s scene. Naomi’s character didn’t even have a name. She was just a whore having an affair with Jason. She was his maid, they were kissing, and the wife (Lauren) busted in and caught them. Only problem was… Lauren couldn’t HEAR very well, and she let them kiss WAY too long and Melissa was back there yelling “ GO GO GO” (Hey, she WAS a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader… it’s in her genes. And her jeans.)

While trying to get Naomi’s scene just right, she kissed Jason probably 11 or more times. “I’m not a whore” she tells the camera. “I disagree” says Melissa, with her deadpan face.

Afterwards, Jason takes the girls to a wrap party where he thinks they’ll drink and socialize and have fun. Oh Jason… you’re so cute. And you’re so clueless at how the female brain works.

First he talks to Melissa. He can tell that something’s wrong. She fully admits that today was SO hard on her, watching him not only kiss those other girls… but seeing his connection with the other girls. He asks her to hang in there for him. She says she will.

Naomi is also sad. She hated seeing the connections he made with the other girls. I’m thinking that Jason is rethinking this group date about this time.

Shannon is HIGHLY emotional (is there any doubt) and demands some 1 on 1 time). She just doesn’t feel like she’s being given the chances the other girls have been.

Megan is chill. She has no idea why everybody is crying. This is a FUN experience and they should all be enjoying it..

Lauren says she wants that rose and will be pissed if she doesn’t get it. She seems to be under the illusion that Jason likes for her to boss him around.

Melissa says that she feels stupid for getting all emotional over the connections. She knew what she was signing up for. He grabs her in a bear hug and tells her he understands.

Shannon interrupts their alone time and starts blubbering (again) about how difficult this is. Jason hands her a napkin to blow her nose on. Now this is where it’s funny… and very telling. When Melissa is very upset, he gives her hugs and reassurance. When Shannon has a similar reaction… he looks like he wants to grab Ty and flee the country. Shannon tried to kiss Jason and he pulled away abruptly. Oooh burned like toast!

Time for Nikki and Stephanie’s 2 on 1 date. The card suggests they be ready to “Dance the Night Away”.

I really thought Melissa was going to get the group date rose, but he gave it to Naomi. That’s ok. As long as it wasn’t Shannon or Lauren. Ugh.

For the 2 on 1 date, the women are given gorgeous ball gowns to change into. The location is perfect… for 2 people. For 3,it’s just more than a little awkward.

Honestly, NEITHER of these girls seem to have a connection with Jason. Stephanie dances better. Uhhh she used to be a dance teacher. Nikki still can’t come out of her shell. They’re both lovely girls, etc etc, but in the end, the rose goes to Stephanie. That’s ok… her time is coming. She kissed him, and that was THE least passionate kiss EVER.

Ding ding! It’s Chris and it’s time for the rose ceremony. Because of the roses that have already been given out, there are 3 girls left. Megan, Lauren, and Shannon. I’m rooting for Megan, because at this point she is the lesser of the evils, I feel.

Jason says he just can’t do what they’re asking him to do. He says that even though he has a rose to give out, he just cannot lead somebody on where he feels there’s no connection. He sends all 3 girls home. Megan is pissed. She feels like she missed her chance and when he touched that rose, it was going to her.

Next week (tomorrow), the final 5 go to Seattle! Yippee Ki Ayy, Mofos!

[Photos: ABC]

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The Bachelor: Season 13 – Episode 3 Review (Air date: 1/19/09)

Our lovely host, Chris tells the remaining 12 Bachelorettes that this week there will be only ONE group date, and then two one on one dates. Each date, there will be a rose up for grabs. You get the rose, you’re safe. You don’t, you may or may not be. And again, like last week, not EVERY woman will be invited to go on a date with Jason.

Stephanie gets the first date. Her daughter’s birthday! Maybe karma IS looking out for her. The note reads, “Come play with me”. In the meantime, Megan is depressed that she’s not gotten her date yet and at this rate may not. From the limo, Stephanie tries to call her daughter Sophia to wish her a Happy Birthday, but she only got a voicemail. Sad face.

When they arrive at the beach, Stephanie immediately does a cartwheel. Jason tells her that he realizes that she HAS given up a lot in order to come on the show. Next thing you know, you see Sophia come running towards her Mom. A lot like when Ty went to Seattle with Deanna and Ty did the tackle/run thing. Jason’s eyes teared up a bit.

Jason has a lot planned for them today.  They take the limo to Legoland, which is open JUST for them (Hell, *I* would like that).   Jason notices that Sophia is a lot like Ty and that they’d get along great together. They really do seem to be bonding well, even though I still think she looks like the crypt keeper.

Ok, here’s my deal with her. She’s a LOVELY person.  There’s nothing “unlikable” about her. But when I see her age listed at 34. I can tell you with NO shame in my game that I am 38 and she looks like she’s got 20 years on me. I’ve had nothing done to my face, whereas she appears to be the poster child for “Botox Gone Wrong”.

Stephanie says Jason does remind her of her late husband and can see what a great father he is, and that she would love to meet Ty, but that she understands that Ty HAS a mommy, and she isn’t out to replace anybody. She’s just looking for that connection with someone. She’s dated “some” since her husband’s death, but there was never anything there.

Next up, Naomi reads the next date invite: It’s for her, Shannon, Melissa, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Erica and Megan. Molly still hasn‘t gotten a date invite this week and she ponders whether that means Jason is SURE he wants to keep her (so doesn‘t need a date to test her) or SURE he wants to let her go (so doesn‘t need a date to show him that he doesn‘t like her) Either way, it‘s keeping her on edge.   In the meantime, Jason  gave Stephanie her rose saying that it was one of his most amazing dates.

Oh GOD ring the wedding bells, Privately, to camera, Stephanie admits that she believes that today was just a “running start to Jason and I falling in love” and that he “lights her up”.  In a voiceover, Jason said today made him feel like a family again. Who knows… maybe where two families were broken, one can be formed again. Ok no. That was my inner sap. Ignore her He will NEVER pick Stephanie, no matter HOW nice she is.

Jason’s got a “sexy” group date planned. Oh God. Is this going to be like Rock of Love Bus?  He takes the women to an art studio where they are going to make plaster casts of their chests,  and paint them, and then they will be auctioned off for charity to raise money for breast cancer awareness. Jason even does one himself, and of course the women all fight to see who can rub the oil on him to keep the wrap from sticking

Once it’s time to paint them, the creativity flows. Kari’s stepsister has breast cancer, so she wants to put a heart on hers. Erica looks like a dingo just ate her baby when Megan says she’s going to paint a fetus on her bust.  Megan tells the camera that the girls seem to just find her “weird”.  Yeah, the rest of us do too.

Jason’s initial plan is to hand out the rose based on who showed the most adventurous and spontaneous side. They all go for drinks upstairs. Melissa reveals her “dirty little secret” that she had her boobs reduced at 17. Jason finally notices that Megan seemed a little quiet today. She said she was concentrating on painting.

Interjection: Men… when you ask us what is wrong with us and we tell you that we are just concentrating on painting… we’re lying to you. It’s a test. And you don’t want to fail, trust me.

Then Megan proceeded to explain that she is such a giver and all about charity work and such that going an entire week without hearing how she’s changed the life of a family or that somebody has thanked God for her has just really driven her crazy. But that doing this charity work is making her feel “worthwhile”.  Whatever, dummy head.

Nikki is NOT happy about sharing Jason, and during her one on one time with him, she raves on and on about how she loved their date.  And then… you hear crickets chirp. She’s got nothing else to say! Off camera, privately, she admits that she has no idea how to be spontaneous and that she’s definitely trying to be perfect. .

Lauren, Molly, and Natalie wait to see who’s getting the one on one date. When the car gets there, it’s for Natalie. The note says “Wear your best dress and I’ll do the rest”.  (the poetry on this show SUCKS.

Shannon says she’s “In a funk” (but you can still see every tooth in her head) and she’s complaining to Naomi that she’s not had ANY one on one time with Jason.  Jillian, in the meantime, seems to have made peace with him being mustard and she’s jumping up and down on the bed with Jason. Jason tells her that it was a very cool date, and he gives her the date rose. More bouncy bouncy! No shock… Megan says she is “very let down”.
Poor Jason gets there before Natalie is ready. THAT is hell on Earth..  Shannon thinks Natalie is materialistic and insecure and that she is SURE Jason would never give her a rose.  Natalie emerges in a short black dress. Jason tells her she’s stunning but is missing something, and then gives her a diamond necklace worth over a million dollars.  Hrm… a rose or a million dollars. I’m thinking Shannon’s instincts are NOT the keenest.

This is a fancy pants date! Limo goes to private jet. They toast on the jet. They board a helicopter and fly over Vegas. Natalie says she feels like the luckiest girl in the world. Jason’s getting sort of close, rubbing on her arm in the jet and privately says to cam that he feels like they’re a real couple, maybe even a celebrity couple because of all the luxury, etc, but he needs to see if there’s a REAL connection.

Megan will never be happy unless she’s causing issues. She tells the other girls that tonight will tell them what Jason is looking for and many of the other women agree that if he picks Natalie, they won’t be the right girls for him..

I’m fairly certain that  Natalie is eyeballing those wedding chapels on the strip and plans on getting Jason drunk and eloping with him. Hopefully they’ll keep an eye on him and not let that happen..

Jason wants Natalie to tell  about herself. All she can come up with is that she’s the “sporty girl, who loves clothes”.  *silence*  He’s feeling like he’s got to DRAG information out of her. She says she’s ready to settle down and not just be a party girl, but he isn’t fully buying it. After their dinner, he’s got  a surprise for her: a private performance from Kate Vogel. Jason can tell that Natalie is wanting him to kiss her, but he just is not feeling and he decides not to give her the rose. He said that it WAS one of the best dates he’d been on, but that they don’t have enough in common. She gets belligerent and accuses him of just dragging the rose thing out, and he repeats calmly that they don’t have anything in common.  She tells him that she’s REALLY surprised he’s keeping some of the “mean girls” (Lindsey Hohan in on here? I missed that part)  I loved her parting words in the limo.  “I don’t want to sound conceited, but I’ve got a LOT going on. If you can’t feel a connection with me, who are you, God?“   Yes, Natalie.  God or Jason. Everybody else wants you. Go try for Brad Womack.

Nikki notices that Natalie’s bags are being packed up and says that she’s “ecstatic” that Natalie is gone and that it’s so much more relaxed without her around.  Meg’s relieved that Jason showed good judgment Lauren, on the other hand, is appalled that the others are happy about the news that Natalie left. Nikki, seeing that Natalie’s bags are being picked up, tells the other women she’s “ecstatic” that Natalie is gone and that it’s so much more relaxed without her. Megan says she’s relieved that Jason has “shown good judgment.” Lauren, however, is disgusted that there’s applause at the news that Natalie left.

Natalie may be gone, but her presence lingers in the house and Jason deliberates what she could have meant about “mean girls”, so during the next cocktail party, he asks Naomi who she thinks Natalie may have been talking about. Naomi openly admits that none of the women were fans of Natalie’s and they were happy to see her go, then she says that she’d really rather talk about other thing than the other girls in the house. She tells him that she could totally see herself falling for him.  He lays one on her. Later on, the other women notice that her lip gloss is gone. She denies it, but goes to put more on anyway. Better safe than sorry.

Nikki is hell bent to show Jason her fun side and is really hoping for a kiss. He tells her that she seems like someone who likes to plan things out and he admits that that isn’t one of his strengths.  Nikki DOES get her kiss, which she hasn’t done since her last boyfriend of eleven years. Damn.. That’s a long time to wait for a kiss, isn’t it?.

Jillian tells the other women at the house that she was shocked that she got another rose, but didn’t want them to consider her a frontrunner. No, don’t do that, Jillian. Because you aren’t.

Erica lies through her teeth and tells Jason that she’s SO happy to be here and that even though she’s not gotten any individual roses, it’s still a great experience. He then reminds her that HE never got a rose on a date either. She then accuses him of checking out her boobs, which he denies, but at least they had a laugh. Random, but whatever.

Molly tells Jason that she gets “butterflies” around him. He coolly replies “I like what I see about you” but then he kisses her.  Molly has ALL the girls worrying that they’re on the mean girl list.

Shannon is such a basket case. During her one on one time, she starts to cry. She’s worried that she’s not making any connection like the other women are. She says “I’m just emotional all the way around” (I understand, I am too… but you don’t TELL THEM THAT) then adds “I just want to be real…. I am so ready to be a mother”.  Whoa Nelly! Jason’s a bit taken aback, but he’s sure she’s not one of the mean girls.

In what may be one of the more lame moments in reality history, Stephanie tells Jason to close his eyes so she can thank him, “for the beautiful, beautiful memory you’ve created for me and Sophia” and for the feeling now that she can love again. She kisses him on both cheeks and then he kisses her briefly on the lips. *pukes*

Lauren decides to “clear the air” with Jason about how some of the drama in the house. Megan is worried that Natalie might “throw her under the bus,” so she eavesdrops as Lauren tells Jason that Megan and Erica are the “drama queens” of the house, and that she’s afraid of Megan. “If she’s your type, you’re not my type,” she tells him. That’s harsh.

Megan is just shocked that Lauren would stab her in the back like that. Megan says she lost respect for anybody who would tattle”.  Is this kindergarten?? Did she really say “tattle”?

And poor Jason… he is just clueless. He has no idea what to do. He believes Lauren, but has never seen any of the so called ugly behavior from Megan or Erica. Before the rose ceremony Jason isn’t sure how to proceed: He believes Lauren, but hasn’t seen any of Erica or Megan’s bad behavior for himself. Before the rose ceremony, Chris announces that after all the drama, he wants to know what Jason should hear before he makes his decision tonight.  A big cat fight ensues with a lot of “he said” she said”. Jason thinks he knows what he needs to make his decision, so on with the rose ceremony.

Jason gives roses to: Molly, Lauren, Melissa, Naomi, Shannon, Nikki, and Megan.

That leaves only Erica and Kari without roses. Erica gives Molly and Melissa hugs saying, “To my ladies.” Kari hugs Jason.  She says, “It’s hard,” and feels that she should have been more flirty and that in the future, she won’t “hang back” as much. “Personally, I’m really disappointed,” Erica says, and blames all the drama on Megan. “If these girls want to say bad things about me to Jason, than this is bull**it.” She feels anyone would react the way she did and says, “I should be in there.”

Back inside, Jason thanks all the  women for being here, especially since it’s been so tough. Hopefully tomorrow night won’t be so dramatic.

- Lydia

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The Bachelor: Season 13 – Episode 2 Review (Air date: 1/12/09)

Better late than never? At least in some cases, I hope. I’m so sorry for the delay, but I am rocking some hardcore bronchitis, walking pneumonia crap and I can’t shake it off. Make it hard to think, much less write. BUT… I’m THREE shows behind and it’s only gonna get worse, so let’s dig in!

Episode 2 starts with the girls, or at least most of them, hanging out by the pool soaking up some sun. One of them dramatically declared, “Some of us didn’t even have our MAKEUP on!” OH. My. God. How will you ever live with yourself. Enter Jason, of course. Much squealing ensues. We watch him take his shirt off in slow motion.

Ok, I get it. He is cute without a shirt. But if every time he takes it off, I’m gonna see it in slo mo, I’m going to grow old of this quickly.

He checks on Megan who, the prior night, had gotten a rose because the girls voted her out. He wanted to know how she was feeling about that.She said she wasn’t sure why the girls didn’t like her, but she was there for him. He told her she was going to get a rose from him anyway. That cheered her up. All’s happy in Megan-ville Jillian’s still fretting over her hotdog theory. She really really hoped Jason would have been a ketchup. But she’ll “settle” for him being a mustard. Ok, Jillian. Maybe he’ll “settle” for you being a whackjob. By the way, I like dill pickles WITH my mustard on my hot dog. What do you make of THAT?

Suddenly a box appears for Jason, and along with it is another one of those dreaded roses. I wonder, if after being kicked off the Bachelor, if any of these woman have recurring nightmares regarding flowers.

Jason is told to give the rose to somebody he’d like to spend a special evening with tonight. Well, he was talking to Nikki when the rose/box interrupted him… so she’s thinking shes’s got a shot. Megan got some face time and reassurance, so maybe it’s her. Jillian accepts him as mustard, so it could be her. And yep, sure enough, Jason asks Jillian if they can spend more time together alone tonight. (Does anybody hear “Bow Chicka Wow Wow” in their head besides me? No? Ok fine.) He gave the alone date rose to Jillian.

For a hot dog girl, Jillian cleaned up fairly well. She didn’t get much time either. They went to a place called “Disney Hall”. I just used random quote marks, because I’ve never HEARD of Disney Hall, but whatever, I’m here for the ride. They go to the rooftop, and I’ll admit, it’s beautiful. Flowers, candles, champagne, strawberries and chocolate… something’s missing… OH I know.. Vern Troyer porn. THAT would have made my night complete. But, we make due with what we get.

Later in the concert hall, they are given a private concert by Robin Thicke. Zzzzz. The most exciting part of this date is that they find out afterwards that they also get MORE alone time tomorrow. Yippee!

Back at Bachelor Central, the girls receive the first “date box”. The clue was “Glam into Hollywood Glamour”. Ok, let’s be honest. This is not a houseful of brain surgeons, so let’s skip the guessing games. While the girls ponder what the group date could be, Melissa gets an alone date box reading “Let’s take our love to new heights”. She says she’s so excited she won’t sleep tonight.

In the meantime back at the Bachelor house, we learn who’s going on the group date: Sharon, Molly, Natalie, Erica, Naomi, Nikki, and Kari.

No Megan… and she is BITTER. No mention of Raquel. No mention of Lauren.

Remember, this is what *I* caught. If I screwed up on a name, please correct me. Right now, this is just a nameless faceless blob of fancy dresses and squealy voices. I don’t tell them apart for awhile still.

The next morning, Jillian’s telling everybody how fabulous her alone date was and that they kissed… this is putting even more pressure on Melissa. Melissa had a fun date at the beach. She tried an oyster for the first time (the hot sauce made her cry) and told him about how she was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaer, but really just wanted to teach first grade. While sitting on the beach, the blimp flies overhead. Of course it’s saying cheesy mesasages to Melissa. When she asks the blimp if she’ll be getting her rose tonight, it answered, “Too soon to tell”. Ouch. But yes, they did share a passionate kiss (longer than Jillian’s if we’re keeping score) and she got her rose.

Onto the group date! (Does Jason ever sleep?) The group date girls and Jason head out to do some serious shopping. He tells them all to pick out an outfit, shoes, etc… anything they want. Wow, this is just like Pretty Woman only without the whole getting paid for sex part.

They are giving Sharon (32, the teacher that quit her job) a LOT of face time. I hope that means she’s leaving. Or that something interesting is going to happen with her. She doesn’t fit in there at all.

Back home, they decide to put on a talent show. Jason entertains them with his “break dancing” (and I use that term loosely. Keep your day job, Jason). Kari, Molly, and Sharon perform… are you ready? You might need to sit down for this. Make sure nobody’s looking over your shoulder… this is some racy content…

Synchronized Swimming.

Yeah, I know, that’s what I was thinking too.

I mean, I am so clumsy I trip over thin air. I trip UP the stairs. I’ mj just NOT coordinated. But even *I* can come up with something better than this. But you know… at least they did something (and at this point I am picturing Beverly begrudgingly standing on the stripper stage, arms scrossed, brows furrowed in anger – from Rock of Love Bus)

That night, they have another cocktail party. The girls look beautiful, But how they ACT leaves a lot to be desired. As they are going upstairs to get ready, Jason gets in his Limo to find Raquel sitting there. She asked if he’d had enough time with her yet. Uhhh desperate much, Raquel??

At the cocktail party Shannon is just throwing herself at Jason. She has zero pride. And zero business being there. She had the CAJONES to ask Jason he if even knew her name. Now I’m not gonna lie… I’d not know her name yet. But that’s me. Whatever. Jason’s oh so quick witted answer? “Come on!” Shannon then provides Jason proof that she knows all about him, such as Ty’s birthday, and many other family facts until she says she just can’t think anymore because Jason is “just so cute”.

Jason is flattered that she is so…. enthusiastic. But it’s also “uncomfortable and weird”. I knew he was growing on me.

Megan and Stephanie, both being moms, have really bonded. They spend most of their time together. Stephanie tells Jason that tomorrow is her daughter’s birthday and then says on camera that if she gets a rose, then it’s meant to be.

Lisa got bad news from home. Her Grandmother is termanilly ill and she feels she needs to go home. Of course Jason sends his condolences and helps her leave. So now he only has to get rid of 2 girls tonight.

Megan’s a Mathlete and has figured out that he’s kissed 4 of the girls already. Some of them are just NOT getting their time with him. Megan’s bitter about this. Molly keeps stealing him away, even though she’s had alone time with him , she wants him as far from the other women as possible. Catfights ensue and the women get bitter and ugly.

Chris tells Jason it’s time, and he’s really struggling. He thought he had it all figured out, but now he’s just completely unsure of what to do.

Jason gives roses to:

Jason gives roses to:
Megan
Nikki
Lauren
Naomi
Stephanie
Kari
Natalie
Shannon
Erica

Lisa went home on her own. Raquel feels they had a strong connection and doesn’t know why she’s leaving. Sharon admits that Jason just must not see himself married to her. I don’t see it either, Sharon. Neither does Miss Cleo. NOBODY sees it. I hope you can get your job back. Buena suerte with that.

- Lydia