Articles in the STARTING NOW - NEW RULES Category
STARTING NOW - NEW RULES »
Starting Now: New Rules
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STARTING NOW: Stop showing men in hair restoration commercials flying around on jetskis and splashing around in swimming pools, like they’re extras in some rejected Kathy Lee Carnival cruise ship ad. What’s the point? To prove your plugs won’t fall out? I’ll take your word for it. I don’t need to see Hurricane Katrina raining down on your head as proof. |
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STARTING NOW: You’re not allowed to work at a car dealership unless you’re knowledgeable about the car you’re trying to sell me. If you think “torque” is something you twirl your spaghetti with, you need to quit your job immediately and get a job somewhere more suited to your talents – like governor of Alaska. |
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STARTING NOW: No more “how to survive in the wilderness” television shows. Every time I turn around, there’s some asshole on my TV pretending to be roughing it in a rain storm, showing me how to angle eucalyptus leaves to catch rainfall. Listen dipshit, I already learned that stuff from Sly Stallone in Rambo. Teach me something useful, like how to get the hell out of the woods without 12 cameramen following me and a compass shoved up my ass. |
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STARTING NOW: When you buy something from me on eBay, you have to pay for it ALL AT ONCE. I just sold a shirt to a guy who wanted to pay me $10 this week and $10 next week. Like I have time for that bullshit? It’s eBay… not Layaway-bay. |
STARTING NOW - NEW RULES »
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STARTING NOW: Kyra Sedgwick and her crew on The Closer have to get to a shooting range before coming back to work in January. On the season finale, the Priority Homicide Squad fired off hundreds of rounds at a bad guy on a rooftop, but no one managed to hit him even ONCE. I haven’t seen such bad aim since the time my crazy friend Marco got drunk and tried to pee into a Poland Spring bottle. |
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STARTING NOW: Colleges have to stop admitting movie stars just because they’re famous. James Franco was on Saturday Night Live last night, bragging that he’s now enrolled at Columbia University. Like this guy knows anything about getting good grades? The only A’s and B’s he got in high school came from feeling up girls behind the bleachers in 10th grade. |
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STARTING NOW: True Blood on HBO needs to put up or shut up. If your most interesting plot line involves a shaggy, roaming dog, you’re not a groundbreaking series on HBO… you’re an old re-run of LASSIE on Nick at Night. |
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STARTING NOW: People have to stop claiming they’ve seen the shape of Jesus’s face appearing in fattening edibiles like cheese puffs and home fries. Think of the message this is sending to all the overweight kids in America. “Fry your dinner in butter. Jesus would approve!” The obesity epidemic has gone on long enough. The next time some hillbilly in Kentucky has a vision of god – it better be on a Saltine cracker in a 100 calorie pack! |
STARTING NOW - NEW RULES »
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STARTING NOW: Weather forecasters aren’t allowed to alarm people 2 weeks before the impending doom of a hurricane. Stop telling me I need to stock up on batteries and bottled water. The storm is in Africa. By the time it gets here, it will probably only pack as much of a punch as Pee Wee Herman in a boxing ring. |
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STARTING NOW: Johnny Depp isn’t allowed to play an eccentric character with a white painted face in any more movies. Sleepy Hollow, Corpse Bride, Edward Scissorhands, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Enough is enough. If I wanted to see scary, out of touch, white faced men, I’d tune in to the Republican National Convention. |
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STARTING NOW: Women need to stop getting upset about stupid things. Last month, a civil rights outrage was stirred up when female highway construction workers found a now illegal “men at work” sign still in use. Let’s be real here. If you are jackhammering brick, or patching asphalt, you’re probably more “man” than Andy Dick. |
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STARTING NOW: Stop using old 70s Beatles and Led Zeppelin songs in car commercials. Branch out a little bit. Let’s move onto the 80s. I hear Lionel Richie is out of work. “Hello? Is it 25MPG you’re looking for?” |
STARTING NOW - NEW RULES »
Starting Now – Pophangover’s version of New Rules with Bill Maher. This week’s theme: BATMAN DARK KNIGHT
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STARTING NOW:
Stop talking about how much money Batman: Dark Knight made. For the last 2 weeks, all the internet and TV news sites have been giving hourly blow by blows of all the money that’s been rolling in. Message received: the movie has more “GROSS” than a close-up shot of Amy Winehouse’s fingernails. Let’s move on.
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STARTING NOW:
No more three hour movies. I went into Batman at 7:30 pm, and came out feeling like I just woke up in the year 2032 after taking half a bottle of Ambien. If self indulgent producers and directors expect me to sit in those uncomfortable theater chairs for 180 minutes, they better at least send me an Edible Arrangement and a bottle of Petron afterwords. I don’t even like to do anything that feels GOOD for 3 hours… so wrap that shit up in under 2.
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STARTING NOW:
Dead people aren’t allowed to get Oscar nominations. Why? THEY’RE DEAD! Sure, Heath Ledger was a talented actor, and yes he made the Joker scarier than the sight of an Asian behind the wheel, but come on. Let’s leave the communicating with the dead to John Edward.
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STARTING NOW:
There’s got to be a limit to the amount of food people bring into movie theaters. It’s not just popcorn and candy anymore – now people are chowing down on hamburgers, hot dogs, nachos, and pizza. The entire place smells worse than feeding time at the San Diego Zoo. Have Americans gotten so fat that we need TWO dinners? Enough is enough… I can hardly hear the movie over the sound of your ass expanding.
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STARTING NOW - NEW RULES »
Starting Now – Pophangover’s version of New Rules with Bill Maher
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STARTING NOW:
Fat people aren’t allowed to write weight loss books. This week, American Idol judge Randy Jackson announced he will soon be publishing a book called The No-Nonsense Guide to Getting Fit, Eating Better, and Living Longer. Great idea – because there’s nothing like getting dieting advice and tips on how to live longer from a fat man with type II diabetes. What’s next, Ellen Degeneres with a book on how to meet men?
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STARTING NOW:
Famous people have to stop denying they got plastic surgery. You’re not convincing anyone you have that bandage on your nose because your parrot bit you (I’m talking to you, Tori). These celebrities have faces that are more plastic and stretched out than the Goodyear blimp. Come clean already. It’s Hollywood. Plastic surgery is as common as rehab stints and Hispanic gardeners.
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STARTING NOW:
Stop dangling dream catchers from the rear-view mirror of your car. Native Americans believe they prevent you from having nightmares while you sleep… so unless you’re a vagabond sleeping in your car that happens to be parked on ELM STREET, get rid of ‘em. Who the hell are you, Jewel?
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STARTING NOW:
People who appear on reality cooking shows have to actually have COOKING EXPERIENCE. Most of the contestants on shows like Hells Kitchen and Next Food Network Star have spent less time in the kitchen than a Jewish housewife. Besides, if I wanted advice from someone who didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, I’d turn on Dr. Phil.
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STARTING NOW - NEW RULES »
Starting Now – Pophangover’s version of New Rules with Bill Maher
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STARTING NOW:
Enough talk about Angelina Jolie’s babies. Ok, she had her twins yesterday – can the world go on turning again? For the past 7 months, we’ve been on BABY WATCH 08… the entire world’s been focused on her vagina 24 hours a day. Come on, I don’t even think about my OWN vagina that much. Let’s move onto topics that really matter… like Obama: boxers or briefs?
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STARTING NOW:
Butchers need to change their filthy, bloody aprons every once and awhile. The animals are dead when they come in, right? So why the hell do the guys at my grocery store have more blood on their aprons than characters in a Clive Barker movie?
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STARTING NOW:
Websites have to stop asking me to input my birth year before letting me in. I know this is a desperate attempt to prevent underage kids from seeing explicit content, like boobies and beer bottles, but it’s less successful than ABC’s primetime lineup. Like a kid can’t just type in 1972? If you really want to keep kids out, make them answer something they wouldn’t know… like where Mexico is on a map.
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STARTING NOW:
Unless technology significantly improves, no more writing shit in the sky with airplanes. It’s just not working. I can’t tell if it says Captain Morgan, or if it’s an artist’s interpretation of Jennifer Aniston’s tits.
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STARTING NOW:
My town is no longer allowed to employ fat lifeguards. I just saw two fat guys sitting under a lifeguard tower reading magazines and popping food into their mouths. Look, if I have to come over and rescue YOu by heimliching that pork rind out of your throat, something’s wrong in the land of
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STARTING NOW - NEW RULES »
Starting Now – Pophangover’s version of New Rules with Bill Maher
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STARTING NOW:
Celebrities like Christina Aguilera and Nicole Richie need to stop claiming that having a baby saved their lives and ended their partying lifestyles. Please. The only thing that’s changed is you’re wiping your baby’s vomit off the floor instead of your own. And that crappy smell in the air? That’s not your career… it’s your baby’s shit.
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STARTING NOW:
Independence Day fireworks should only be lit up on July 4th. There’s no “8 crazy nights” of fireworks. It’s not Hanukkah. So kindly step away from your cheap roman candles – I’m sick of my neighborhood sounding like south central L.A. for the entire first week of July.
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STARTING NOW:
I’d like to do an image search on the internet without a bunch of VAGINAS showing up. Last night I searched for bottled water and got 95 images of a woman spread eagle on a brown couch. I haven’t seen that much Bush in one place since Jenna’s wedding in May.
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STARTING NOW:
No more stuffed animal backpacks. I shouldn’t have to unzip a teddy bear’s asshole to access my Ipod. And besides, there’s nothing creepier than fishing my hand all around an animal’s stomach, like I’m trying to check it for kidney stones. Who the hell do I look like, Dr Michael Baden? This isn’t an episode of Autopsy on HBO. Lets leave the dissection of small animals to sociopaths in Kentucky.
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