Other posts on Pophangover:

1. The All-New Pophangover Photo Gallery
2. RONALD McDONALD ON A SEGWAY: Very, Very Wrong
3. Photo Headlines: What Didn’t Happen This Week
4. Pophangover “Obama Mom Jeans” Photo Shown On CNN
5. Things That Exist: KUM Conditioner

If you like horror/thriller movies, and you haven’t seen this yet, RENT IT. You’ll never look at a record player the same way again.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. BANNING: The Movie “The Happening”
2. If Movie Titles Were Honest
3. PH DEBATE: Movie Identity. Sucked or Really Sucked?
4. Lesbian Movie Remakes
5. Movie Titles Rewritten For The Global Recession

Last night I caught the episode with Greg, a 19-year old male whore from Jersey with only two loves: himself, and his hideous zebra print hat. Five minutes into the episode, and his mother’s already spilling the beans that she “didn’t orgasm” until her mid 30s. I know. Gross, right? Do you care when your mother first orgasmed? I SURE DON’T. I’m no prude by any sense of the word, but I’ll tell you one thing: my gag reflex hasn’t seen so much action since the time my friends forced me to sit through the movie “Dan In Real Life.” I hated every minute of it.

Cocky, obnoxious, STD-infested Greg bragged to Dr. Drew about sleeping with at least 2 different girls each weekend, so Dr. Drew made him and his mother go on a “BONK TOUR.” Translation: they had to physically go show each other the places they’ve had sex. What that has to do with ANYTHING, I don’t know. I can tell you it only got worse from there.

Cut to a scene of them driving around town as Greg pointed out the locations of his sexual trysts (which included a gym rooftop, a beach lifeguard stand, and even a romantic little parking spot by a DUMPSTER.) When he admitted to his mom he had sex in the back of their car, the mother freaked out and said, “Your little brother sits there!” Greg shrugged his shoulders and said, “So what. I didn’t leak.”

Next, Greg’s mother drove him home, took him into her bedroom, pointed at her bed, and said, “This is my bed. I have very intimate sex here.”

Enough. Give me a fucking break. This show is ridiculous, dysfunctional, and disturbing. It’s one thing to talk to your kids about sex and the necessity of condoms, but it’s completely another to delve into detail about the length of your orgasms and the amount of your ejaculate. What the hell happened to privacy? What about normal, healthy parent/child boundaries?

Bottom line: If you want to hear details about your child or your mother’s sex lives, or visualize their sexual encounters, you’re not “learning and growing” — you’re NORMAN BATES.

And good luck to all of you googling the show’s title, “Sex With Mom And Dad” – I think my computer just caught gonorrhea. I”m sure you can imagine the search results that turned up. I think a few even involved FARM ANIMALS. Be sure to clear your history, because if your friends or family see that shit, they’ll think you’re Jeffrey Dahmer.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. BANNING: Limited Edition CBS Television Show Ipods
2. BANNING: Hoover’s Mother Nature Wanna-be Vacuums
3. HONEST TV SHOW SUBTITLES
4. Banning: The Movie “Hancock”
5. Honest TV Show Taglines

Pepe’s is overrated. Period. And I’m banning it. The clueless masses are more than happy to buy into the “if everyone loves it, it must be good” hype. The truth is, Pepe’s serves the worst pizza I have ever eaten in my life.

I live five miles from the restaurant. I’ve waited in the lines. I’ve feasted on the various “world famous” pizza pies. And I’ve left disappointed, every time. Sure the place is filled with history, and yes, they cook in a coal oven, but so what? The result is a tired, dated restaurant and pizzas that are so chewy and hard you can hardly swallow them.

Unfortunately, the problems with this restaurant go far beyond some unedible crust. My issues with Frank Pepe’s Pizzeria are as follows:

1. You’re not allowed to set foot into the sacred restaurant until there’s a table ready for you, yet the only waiting area they have is a joke. It’s basically a 3×8 coat closet that reeks of body odor, ammonia, and vomit. You’re resigned to stand there, like a child being punished, until a rude waitress, bitter she had to stop what she was doing, calls for you.

2. The staff is rude and the “service” is poor. They act like they’re doing you a favor by taking your order. They huff and puff if you ask a simple question. And just a tip: don’t dare ask for a straw, unless you want to be looked at with the contempt of an axe murderer.

3. I’ll deal with standing around for hours, and I’m willing to endure rude service, IFif the food is really good. However, PEPE’S PIZZA IS DISGUSTING. I can not emphasize that enough. I was motivated to write this review after my last (and final) trip to Pepe’s over the weekend. My sister’s boyfriend was visiting from out of town, and simply had to go to Pepe’s after seeing it featured on the Food Network. I warned him about how awful the pizza was, but he wanted to go anyway. I begrudgingly obliged.

We ordered a simple large cheese pizza, and received a dry, cheeseless, virtually tasteless pie. This is the norm at Pepe’s, not the exception. The dough is so chewy and hard that you can hardly swallow it. The crust, which is usually one of my favorite parts, is completely unedible. The cheese is exceptionally salty. The tomato sauce is bland. All you taste is soot and salt, and it’s simply awful. My sister’s boyfriend didn’t even eat one whole piece; he just sat there, shifting around in the uncomfortable Pepe’s booth, staring at the dry shoe leather on his plate with disgust.

And for those wondering, Sally’s pizza is better, but not my much. It’s still pretty gross, too.

Check out this video we shot at Pepe’s during our last visit and make up your own mind. Does THIS look like “the world’s best pizza” – or cardboard that was just flattened in a compressor at the dump? Look at it! IT DOESN’T EVEN BEND! And that’s not a good thing. It’s more dried up than Jerry Seinfeld’s career. Happy viewing.

Pepe’s Pizza – New Haven, CT from pophangover on Vimeo.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Drew Carey Orders Cross Country Pizza Delivery
2. We’re Launching New Websites And Want Your Content!
3. Kelsey Kicked Off “The Next Food Network Star”
4. Food Network Picked Up “Big Daddys House”
5. 10 Most Awful Library Books Ever

You see, the CBS TV store is now selling “limited edition” iPods with etched pictures from shows like The Horse Whisperer, CSI, Survivor, Amazing Race, and yes… even Beverly Hills 90210. Frankly, it’s the dumbest idea to come out of CBS since they greenlit “Baby Bob” in 2003.

It’s one thing to watch CSI, but it’s totally another to want David Caruso’s wrinkled face forever emblazoned on your iPod. If you purchase one of these little numbers, you might as well take advantage of the free personalization and write “I HAVE NO LIFE” on your iPod as well.

And the prices? Forget about it! They want $219 for the 4GB ipod nano and $269 for the 8GB ipod nano (normally $149 and $199, respectively – so that’s an additional $70 each!)

There are only 2,000 of each available! So hurry over to the CBS store and get ready to stand out from the crowd… in a “I have 30 cats and no friends” sort of way.

(bah nah nah nah, bah nah nah nah, LAME LAME)

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Limited Edition Ipods You May Have Missed
2. BANNING: MTV’s New Show “Sex With Mom & Dad”
3. iPod Ads For The Rest Of Us
4. BANNING: Store Credit Cards
5. The Most Annoying Person On Television Today Is…

Sure, they’re a bit pricy at $115, but considering the butt-ugly 80s selection in stores these days, it’s worth a few extra dollars to have a pair of sneakers that don’t look like they were borrowed from Punky Brewster’s closet.

And no, they’re not made by Chinese babies in sweat shops. They’re all at least 9 years old. KIDDING! They’re 8.

Check out this hot little number that I just designed over at Nike, or go design your own:

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. FANNING: Acuvue Oasys Contact Lens
2. VIDEO: Tiger Woods Nike Ad (With His Dead Dad)
3. Nominees: The Ugliest Products Of 2009
4. FANNING: Caulk Singles from GE
5. FANNING: Wendy’s Strawberry Frosty Shakes

More specifically, I’m banning cashiers from asking me to sign up for one when I’m purchasing TWO DOLLAR’S WORTH OF MERCHANDISE.

Has this happened to you? You’re shopping in Target. You’ve carefully picked out 1 candy bar and some soft boxers to sleep in. You take your items to the front to check out. And inevitably, the cashier asks you, “Would you like to open a Target credit card today? Come on! Do it! You’ll save EIGHTEEN CENTS on your order!”

Me: NO! I DON’T WANT TO OPEN A CREDIT CARD TO SAVE FIFTY-EIGHT CENTS! How ridiculous! Are you a moron?!

All the stores seem to be doing this lately. It doesn’t matter if I’m purchasing a $3 bottle of glue at Home Depot, or a $2 washcloth at Linens N Things… someone is always trying to cram a credit card application up my ass. Enough already! Stop the insanity!

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. BANNING: The Movie “Superbad”
2. BANNING: The Movie “The Happening”
3. BANNING: HIGH FIVING
4. BANNING: Pier 1 Imports
5. BANNING: Bath and Body Works

I’m not Betty White. I can’t list 3 songs by Frankie Valli. Candy bars never “cost just a nickel” in my lifetime. When it comes to shoes, it’s still fashion over comfort. My underwear are hot… and they fit me. I don’t take 45 seconds to pull into a parking space, or 90 seconds to back out of one. WTF is a flying nun?

I don’t buy CDs at Starbucks. My generation is represented by a single letter. I don’t misplace my car keys or glasses. When I’m sleeping, no one thinks I might be dead. I’ve never donated to PBS. I don’t own a metal detector. I see no point in bowling without beer. I’m well aware of when Taco Bell closes. I don’t call hair salons “Beauty Parlors.” I don’t need Boniva… and my haircut doesn’t make my head look like a q-tip.

So please, people of the world, save the MA’AMing crap for Sally Field, Betty White, and my grandmother.

Thank you,
Mgmt.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Metal Detecting Sandals Sweeping The Nation
2. 5 People I Never Want To Hear About Again: A Rant
3. Mia Michaels Downgrade
4. Betty White Playing With Giraffes. You’re Welcome.
5. Ringo Starr is too busy to read his fan mail

What’s so bad about the place?

1. There are always 3 bitches in aprons circling the perimeter at all times (I think they might have military training). You can’t even take one step through the door before two of ‘em borderline tackle you to the ground in an attempt to get you to sample some new, nasty smelling lotion. I’m buying a lip balm… not a Ferrari… so back off. And if your stupid manager tells you that you have to greet people, say hi and smile pretty and then return to your corner to sort soaps.

2. They have 5 million fragrances, yet somehow, only 4 of them smell decent. The others cause instantaneous migraines and/or vomiting. The mixing and mingling of all of these strong, vile scents in one tiny location is too much to handle. The joint smells worse than a gas station restroom off the Las Vegas strip.

3. Lame sales and promotions. “Buy 18 hand sanitizers and get the last 2 free!”

4. Where do they find their cashiers? Is there some centralized Bath and Body Works School for the Handicapped and Mentally Retarded that I’m unaware of? It takes these women far too long to ring up one purchase. I could literally fly to Japan, hand-pick herbs, find a sumo wrestler, have him crush them for me, and then return home with my own lip balm – before the idiot behind the register has even found the UPC bar code to scan.

5. Before you go, the cashiers always scream and yell and make a HUGE ordeal about the coupon they’re slipping into your bag. Hi, do you want a fucking bullhorn? I don’t think the people downstairs in Radio Shack quite heard you. Thanks, you killed a tree to give me a coupon I’ll never use. Do you want a cookie?

Bottom line: annoying salespeople, horrid icky smells, dumb sales, clueless cashiers… that’s a BAN in my book.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. BANNING: Store Credit Cards
2. BANNING: Pier 1 Imports
3. BANNING: HIGH FIVING
4. BANNING: Carnivals
5. BANNING: The Movie “The Happening”

Have you ever noticed that the real low-budget carnivals are always held at churches? I guess even the people who run the damn things realize you are going to need a prayer if you plan on surviving their rickety rides. A word to the brave people who attend these shin-digs: it’s usually not a good sign if the person running the ride mutters ten Hail Mary’s and hands you a strand of rosary beads as they’re strapping you in.

How about those old rides that need a makeover even more desperately than your co-worker Ruth? No matter which carnival I go to, I always see the same ride with the enormous spray painted picture of Jon Bon Jovi in all his big hair glory on the side. You could be on the other side of town, but you still wouldn’t be able to escape the sounds of 80’s hair band rock emitting from that ride.

Worst of all, is it just me, or do the people who operate the rides at carnivals think they are one step below a God? They annoy me, standing there in their sky blue jumpsuits and big sunglasses that look like they were ripped off one of the cops from Chips. They seem to think that because they have the ability to control when little painted umbrellas will begin to whimsically rotate around that they have been blessed with the power to alter destiny or something. Sorry, but I refuse to bow down to someone whose daily responsibilities include flipping switches, fastening seatbelts, and wiping up barf in the Gravitron ride.

If the greasy sausage and pepper grinder you wolfed down for dinner didn’t upset your stomach, then the game tents surely will. It never fails. You see a big, plush stuffed animal hanging up in the front, so you play to try and win it. But fifty dollars and forty-five minutes later when you’ve finally gotten the damn frog COMPLETELY into the lily pad, excitement quickly turns to anger as you watch the game attendant pull out a one inch stuffed lima bean from below the counter and hand it to you. Posers.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. BANNING: HIGH FIVING
2. BANNING: Olympians Advertising For McDonalds
3. BANNING: The “Warm Weather Scarf”
4. BANNING: Pier 1 Imports
5. BANNING: The Movie “The Happening”