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1. Nicole Kidman at the Country Music Awards
2. Attention: Internet
3. Kim Zolciak Has A New Blog – Let’s Make Fun Of It
4. BOBBY KICKED OFF HELL’S KITCHEN – Episode #411
5. What If Everyone Blogged Like Rosie?

Cut to a clip of the women ravaging through a pile of paper and photos like a scene from a bad scrap-booking party. They were on edge because one of them would be eliminated based solely on their pitch. After the three hour time limit, the ladies set out to an undisclosed location to show their stuff to Kim and three Self Magazine employees.

First up was Tanya. Who’s tagline was “Phenomenal beauty is a journey, not a destination.” Wow, she got her idea from a Calvin and Hobbes comic! Where did she get her marital vows, Peanuts? Her poster board of ideas focused around a big brown pot, which one of the Self Magazine editors thought was “chili,” although in Tanya’s mind it was a bathtub. Her self portrait was horrible, clad in a bathrobe – head cocked back with hair in a towel, it looked like she was getting a facial.

Along came Bahia, who opted for the line “I am enough.” Just then Stewart Smalley popped out from behind a potted plant and said “and gosh darnet Bahia .. I like you.” Her self portrait was her without make-up or accessories, but the fact that she was on a bed and in a skimpy robe rubbed one of the Self Mag hags the wrong way. “You are too sexy and trying to convince yourself you are enough.” And when speaking of what Bahia chose to wear to the pitch, the editor said, “that sparkly two piece outfit with a peak of a belly button wreaks of it.” Wow. And your snappy attitude wreaks of you being a bitch.

Batting next was Celeste who went with “Ageless and reaching for new heights.” Her self portrait was more Soloflex than Self, and the judges weren’t having it. In a 30 second clip, Celeste must have said “I’m 50″ more times than 50 cent at his 2004 Grammy performance.

Finally it was time for Karin, and her “The birth of beauty” pitch. Her poster board looked like an ill attempt at a 7th grade science project. Blue cocoon webs, ripped tissue paper, and enough marker to draw a line from here to Sweden. The Self Mag hags thought Karin was “too thin” and that her self portrait was sad. You know what makes me sad? Puppies in a crate, but lets move on.

After the pitches we found out that Celeste was going home – leaving Karin, Tanya, and Bahia with the chance to bring their concept to life in an actual cover shot. The clothes, the set, the style, and the mayhem would all be up to them. What fun!

First to shoot was Karin. She plastered a wall with a large sheet of blue paper, and emerged from the center of it through a tear. Sort of like the quarterback bursting through a banner at homecoming, but with less force. Then came Tanya and her new afro, both which plopped down into a bathtub while an assistant blew bubbles in the photographer’s face. Cut to a shot of Bahia in a popped white collar standing in front of a brick wall. Bahia, Don Johnson called, he wants his persona back! By the way, the photographer was an Aussie dick, which isn’t Austrilian for beer. It’s actually American for asshole. He didn’t like anything any of the ladies came up with, and made snide remarks the entire time. Jewish mothers everywhere were proud.

At the final elimination Bahia was the first to go. I have to say I was quite shocked myself, because she was the clear winner in my mind. Instead they awarded the mother of 5 from Orange County, Tanya the winner. Congrats beauty queen drop-out!

See you next season!

[photos courtesy of TVLand]

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. She’s Got the Look Episode 5 Recap
2. She’s Got the Look Episode 4 Recap
3. Hell’s Kitchen Episode #414 Recap – The Finale (part 1)
4. America’s Next Top Model 11: Episode 6 Recap (”Natural Beauty”)
5. Project Runway: Episode #503 Recap (Guest Sandra Bernhard)

The women formed two groups consisting of (1) Karin, Hope, and Tonya and (2) Celeste and Bahia, and were told to write and act in a holiday greeting card commercial where one of them must cry. Even though Celeste over-acted more than Estelle Getty’s bladder, group two was declared the winner. Her performance sort of reminded me of a drag Queen on Diana Ross night, but in the end it was Bahia’s heartfelt tears that awarded them the win.

Back at the loft their reward was waiting for them. No, not a lifetime supply of Boniva, but a visit from their loved ones. Bahia’s “friend” and Celeste’s Dick Chaney look-a-like husband were allowed to take the girls out for a night on the town. At dinner Celeste made a toast that lasted longer than a styrofoam cup in a Jersey landfill.

Cut to a scene of some weird lady at the apartment burning incense and making weird facial expressions. Apparently it was a spokeswoman for Self magazine, with great tips on how to stay relaxed. My favorite inspirational gem – to “feel your nose bridge like a stick of butter.” What? A sick of butter? Ok, who secretly replaced the stress guru with Paula Deen?

Next up was the dreaded elimination challenge. The models would have to conduct a commercial with former MTV DJ, Daisy Fuentes. Although the women were under the impression they would be tasting a sample from Daisy’s new line of health food, they instead were eating a combination of cod liver oil, salt, and tobasco. Most of the women, including Hope who channeled Wanda Sykes for her bit, were able to convince Daisy they loved the taste. However after her commercial wrapped, problem child Bahia told Daisy ,”that was disgusting…”

…which now brings us to the elimination ceremony. Concerned that Bahia thought a concoction of horrid ingredients tasted like crap, or just bitter because her thighs are larger, Daisy informed the judges of Bahia’s earlier comments. Yet, it was Hope who was voted “off the board” and sent packing.

Stay tuned for next week, when the ladies have to design a cover shoot. Rumor has it Karin’s consists of Swedish meatballs and nipple tassels. What fun!

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. She’s Got the Look Episode 4 Recap
2. She’s Got The Look Finale: Episode Recap
3. Hell’s Kitchen Episode #405 Recap – Nasty Pizzas
4. Hell’s Kitchen Episode #414 Recap – The Finale (part 1)
5. Big Brother 10 Premiere – Episode Recap

The first challenge for the Botox babes was to climb 23 feet in the air, and then trapeze off the top of a makeshift diving board. I had to check the channel quickly because I didn’t know if this was an episode of Celebrity Circus or a bad PBS special on the plight of Carnies.

All of the ladies were able to complete the photo shoot except for Mediterranean beauty Bahia. Afraid of heights, she froze up on the ladder while the other women below yelled “PUSH!!!!!!!” and “BREATHE BAHIA” as if she were in child labor.

After the shoot, the girls arrived back to the apartment only to be instantly attacked by a yappy Jenny Craig nutrition specialist. I mean, literally the second they walked in the door – “HI! I’m from Jenny Craig, try the JENNY CURLS snack, and always remember to drink 8 glasses of water a day.” I actually felt bad for the women, the “Jenny Rep” probably should have been sent to a show like The Biggest Loser, not to talk to aging, but already thin models.

Next, the women got to pose with two million dollars worth of diamonds and two hot, younger male models – unfortunaterly Karin still looked like one of the Swedish terrorists in Die Hard. Or were they German? Either way, Dead ringer.

In the end, Roxanne the snooty Redhead, and Melissa with the fake boobies, were both kicked “Off the Board”, which no, isn’t a bad Sandra Bullock movie coming out in 2011, it’s She’s Got the Look’s actual terminology for having to go back to being a soccer mom again. The horror!

Stay tuned for next week for more fun, tears, and Robert Verdi moments.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. She’s Got the Look Episode 5 Recap
2. She’s Got The Look Finale: Episode Recap
3. America’s Next Top Model 11: Episode 7 Recap (”Fiercee Awards”)
4. America’s Next Top Model 11: Episode 6 Recap (”Natural Beauty”)
5. Hell’s Kitchen Episode #405 Recap – Nasty Pizzas