Other posts on Pophangover:

1. America’s Next Top Model Cycle 12: Meet The Contestants
2. VIDEO: Meet YouTube’s Newest Sensation, Maestrohammer
3. FIRST LOOK: Top Chef New York Cast
4. CW Coins Corniest Tag Line Ever For New Melrose Place
5. Dear Biggest Loser Contestants: What’s With The Whole “Arms In The Air” Thing?

	BRADEN Our First Impression: rejected soap opera actor. Hair gel, two watches, and a smug smile? All the signs are there: this tool must have a tiny peen.
	CASEY Our First Impression: Wal-Mart jewelry department manager
	CHIMA Our First Impression: The transvestite was figurine of Diana Ross

	JEFF Our First Impression: camp counselor for kids age 5-8 (or, the Crocodile Hunter in training)
	JORDAN Our First Impression: she looks like everybody and nobody, all at once. BORING.
	KEVIN Our First Impression: why does this tool have one of Rosie O’Donnell’s old flannel shirts wrapped around his neck?
	LAURA Our First Impression: poor Laura… too old for the Junior Miss pageant circuit and too dumb for Miss America
	LYDIA Our First Impression: wait a minute, who let Brigitte Nielsen back on television?
	MICHELLE Our First Impression: why is my grandmother’s dental hygienist on Big Brother?
	NATALIE Our First Impression: can she not afford shirts? Or a hair brush? (Oh, and I love her chunky brown headband from 1993. OR NOT.)
	RONNIE Our First Impression: this guy enjoys a humble existence in his mother’s basement, where he spends his days fashioning doll clothes out of HER SKIN.
	RUSSELL Our First Impression: what a gigantic tool. His nickname is “Russell the Love Muscle.” And honestly, that’s funnier than anything I could have possibly written here.

(photos courtesy of CBS)

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Big Brother 10: New Housemates Revealed
2. And The Big Brother 10 Winner Is…
3. VIDEO: Big Brother 10 Housemates Survive LA Earthquake – OHMIGAWD!
4. Big Brother 10: Michelle AND Ollie Evicted
5. Big Brother 10: Michelle nominates 2 for eviction

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Nicole Kidman at the Country Music Awards
2. Attention: Internet
3. Kim Zolciak Has A New Blog – Let’s Make Fun Of It
4. BOBBY KICKED OFF HELL’S KITCHEN – Episode #411
5. What If Everyone Blogged Like Rosie?

(Work THAT into a routine, honey.)

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. So You Think You Can Dance Winner: JOSHUA
2. Jillian Michaels Admits She’s Open To Bisexuality, Surprising Exactly NO ONE
3. UPDATE: Rayven and Jamie kicked off Dance
4. Jillian Michaels Designing Fitness Bootcamp Game For Wii Fit
5. UPDATE: Susie and Marquis kicked off Dance

Bottom line: the producers didn’t plan for the massive turnout. Thousands of short women showed up, desperate for a chance to break into the modeling industry, and there wasn’t enough space to accommodate all of them. In the end, three people were arrested, two were hospitalized, and the street was left littered with Payless high heels.

The CW’s response: “An altercation occurred today at a casting call for the next edition of America’s Next Top Model in New York City. Representatives of The CW are working and cooperating with local authorities on the matter.”

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Kelly Knox: Winner of Britain’s “Disabled Model” Show
2. Obesity Across America
3. VIDEO: Isis, the tranny on America’s Next Top Model
4. America’s Next Top Model 11: Episode 11 Recap (The Top 4)
5. America’s Next Top Model 11: Episode 6 Recap (”Natural Beauty”)

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. America’s Next Top Model Cycle 12: Meet The Contestants
2. Obesity Across America
3. America’s Next Top Model 11: Episode 3 Recap
4. FIRST LOOK: America’s Next Top Model 11 Contestants (including a tranny!)
5. Natalie Maines Shaved Her Head

You’ve speculated! You’ve googled! You’ve theorized! You’ve seen the spoilers! And now, the wait is finally over. Which girl will get Jason’s final rose? Melissa or Molly? OR DEANNA?

I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live-blogging tonight’s Bachelor season finale. Let’s do it!

8:03: Jason and his son Ty: REUNITED AND IT FEELS SOOOOO GOOD.

8:05: Melissa, Ty, and Jason are playing golf. She should have borrowed one of Molly’s argyle sweater vests.

Melissa is talking down to Ty like he’s a 4 year old. Oh, wait…

8:06: Jason left the golf course, and showed up 3 seconds later with A BABY LAMB. Unless he’s planning on romantically weaving Melissa a new sweater, I don’t get it.

Melissa jumped at the chance to tell an awful joke: “Why is the sheep so shy? … Because he was BAAASHFUL.”

8:08: Melissa is meeting Jason’s family, and they’re all freaking out that Jason didn’t get to meet HER family. Jason said, “in the end it not meeting her parents could make a huge difference.”

8:14: And… we’re still talking about Melissa’s parents. And in an unrelated note, I’m 95% sure Jason is wearing women’s jeans, complete with a flare leg.

8:20: Overall, Jason’s family loved Melissa. Jason said, “after today, I’m completely falling in love with Melissa.”

8:24: Next up, Molly is meeting Ty. Her voice is grating on my nerves.

Molly to Jason: “When you talk about Ty, you have this crazy light that comes out of your eyes.” If that’s not the fakest statement you’ve ever heard in your life, then what is?

8:26: Ty refused to high five Molly. He wouldn’t even look at her! He refused to throw her the frisbee! Well, you know what they say about kids and pets.

8:30: They’re flying a kite on the beach. It’s awkward and Molly is completely out of her element. She doesn’t know what to do without a 6 iron in her hand.

SIX MINUTES OF COMMERCIALS!

8:37: Now it’s Molly’s turn to meet the parents! Jason and Molly are sitting really far apart on the couch, and Jason’s brother is foaming at the mouth looking at Molly.

Jason said he has a tough decision. He doesn’t have “doubts” about either woman; it’s “which woman is better for him.” The family seems to like Molly MORE than they liked Melissa.

8:44: Jason is outside crying to his mother. He doesn’t know which woman to choose. “HE CAN’T ESCAPE THIS LIFE THAT HE’S LIVIN! HE’S IN THE MIX, HE’S IN LOVE WIT 2 WOMEN!”

8:52: Melissa called her mother and asked her to talk to Jason. She said she would.

8:54: Melissa and Jason are on a random boat in the pouring rain. Melissa’s in a bikini and they’re making out and… unfortunately, it was just revealed that she has a tramp stamp. That’s a shame.

8:56: Macro shot of Jason’s tongue in Melissa’s mouth.

8:58: Jason told Melissa, “I really have to go. But know I haven’t felt this way either.” Leading her on much?

9:04: Stop! Mollytime! Jason is face down on a massage table, and Molly is in a bikini straddling him. And oh God, Molly just said the S-word. “SOUL MATE.” Game off.

9:09: Molly put together a book for jason called “A Fairytale Love Story: Dedicated to Jason Scott, the love of my life.” It’s a collection of poems, mementos, and other general cheesiness that no man would want to have to sit and look through. Even dcornier, she referred to herself in the 3rd person. “This has been the most incredible journey Molly has ever been on!”

9:17: Jason is calling Melissa’s parents. Jason said it was “better than he expected” and it “made him feel better about everything.”

9:18: ENTER DEANNA, rolling up to the house in a limo. Jason looks like he saw a ghost. They haven’t seen each other since last season’s “After The Final Rose.”

9:19: Deanna said “I chose the wild card. If I chose you, it would have worked. You had all the things I was looking for. If I was to go back and follow what I wanted, I would have made a different decision. If you haven’t proposed yet, you still have a chance, and that’s why I’m here.”

Jason: “Umm… I guess all I can do is thank you for giving me this opportunity. I hated being hurt because I did fall in love with you. But I found 2 girls who I’m completely falling for.” He then walked her to the limo and said peace out.

WTF? I eagerly waited all season for THAT visit from Deanna?! It was the most anti-climactic scene ever! DAMN YOU ABC.

9:28: Jason said he is “more confused than ever.” Just like I was during my organic chemistry exam last semester.

9:30: Jason just picked out a ring, but still claims to be “completely torn between the two women.” He said, Molly is “fun and passionate and exciting” but Melissa is “unbelievable in every way.”

9:32: Two minutes of footate of the girls in the mirror teasing their hair. Enough already.

ed yet, you still have a chance, and that’s why I’m here.”

Jason: “Umm… I guess all I can do is thank you for giving me this opportunity. I hated being hurt because I did fall in love with you. But I found 2 girls who I’m completely falling for.” He then walked her to the limo and said peace out.

WTF? I eagerly waited all season for THAT visit from Deanna?! It was the most anti-climactic scene ever! DAMN YOU ABC.

9:28: Jason said he is “more confused than ever.” Just like I was during my organic chemistry exam last semester.

9:34: Six minutes of the girls staring in the mirror and teasing their hair. Enough already!

9:40: Finally! The final rose ceremony! Jason is freaking out. The first girl out of the limo is… MOLLY. She’s wearing a long purple dress. She looks nice.

Molly: “Before you say anything, I want you to know this has been the most incredible journey I have ever been on and I wouldn’t take back a minute of it.”

Jason: “Every time you look at me with those eyes, you have me. You’ve got me locked in and it’s a place I don’t ever want to leave. You’re amazing in every way possible. And I don’t know how I could ever let you go. BUT I HAVE TO.”

Silence.

Jason: “I never ever wanted to say goodbye to you. And I wish I had some good reasons other than I’m in love with someone else.”

More silence.

Jason: “I’m so sorry.”

Molly: “I guess I just don’t understand. I think you’ve made a mistake, a big one.” Typical cocky Molly response. Peace out, Molly.

Jason at the limo: “Everything was real. I started falling in love with you very early on. Always know that.” Molly genuinely looks shocked. Her ego was way too big. She thought she had it in the bag. She keeps saying, “he made a big mistake and he’s gonna learn it the hard way.”

Back home, Jason is crying and looks like he wants to fling himself over the balcony. He seems really conflicted and I’m starting to wonder if these “After The Final Rose” spoilers are true.

9:53: UGH, Dancing With The Stars is coming back. Guys, no one watch it, k? Then maybe ABC will do the world a favor and stop airing it.

9:55: Here comes Melissa! She’s wearing a pale peach gown with gold straps, and she looks phenomenal… except her hair looks REALLY ratty.

Jason: “Our very 1st date I started falling for you. You make me happier than I ever have in my entire life and I’ve wanted to tell you something for a long time now, and that is I’m completely in love with you. And there’s one more thing.”

(Reaches in pocket, grabs ring, down on one knee)

Jason: “Melissa, I love you. Will you make me the happiest man?”

Melissa turned around and screamed, and of course, accepted. She’s shaking. They seem happy. And right now, everyone in America is saying: “IF HE HURTS MELISSA I WILL NEVER WATCH ABC EVER AGAIN.”

Next: AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Chris Harrison is introducing the show. “Normally, here on after the final rose, we would talk to the happy couple and celebrate their journey of love. Tonight is different. What you’re about to witness is so dramatic that we decided to keep the taping as intimate as possible.”

Jason is coming out alone. The whole mood is somber and really serious. Jason said, “It’s been a crazy time. You know, I came here to find someone like Melissa and she is incredible and sweet and…”

HOLY SHIT, HE’S DUMPING MELISSA. The spoilers were true.

Jason said the chemistry was totally different after the show, and said Melissa only knows “things feel completely different for me.”

Jason: “Over the last few weeks I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Molly. I tried but I can’t control how I’m feeling – the real honest true feelings and I wish they weren’t there.”

Look. Some relationships work. Some don’t. I get that. But dumping someone on TELEVISION, in a situation like this, makes Jason a 1st class SCUMBAG.

Chris: “You’re telling me you’re still in love with Molly?”

Jason: “Yes.”

Apparently they haven’t talked since the day he sent her home in New Zealand. And he plans on breaking up with Melissa ON TELEVISION. And this had to be all set up by ABC. But playing with people’s emotions for ratings is disgusting. Sad.

Melissa has been backstage and hasn’t heard any of this. She’s coming out now and has no clue she’s about to get totally blindsided.

Jason: “Our conversations have been how things are different, how I feel like things are different.” Yeah, because you want to date someone else. That tends to throw a wrench into things, buddy. “The chemistry started changing. We’re not right for each other.”

Melissa: “I thought things were perfect.” Crying. “The second you start having doubts, you don’t talk to me about it, but you just pull away and don’t even try.” She’s right. “Something happened and you have yet to be honest.”

Jason: “What I realized is that I was falling for 2 people at the same time. And I still have feelings for Molly.”

I give Melissa credit for being so composed. I’d be going ape-shit. This is worse than a Springer episode.

Best line of the night: Melissa: “That’s your decision, YOU BASTARD.”

Melissa: “I wish you just let me go instead of doing this to me.” I feel so bad for her. Jason replied, “I hate myself for what I’m doing to Melissa. BUT I want to give it a shot with Molly.”

Melissa: “Don’t call me. Leave me alone.” And with that she walked off set and Jason cried some more of his bullshit crocodile tears. Boy, he’s really laying it on thick for the cameras.

10:30: Molly is backstage and hasn’t heard anything that just happened. She’s coming out… after the next 8 YEAR COMMERCIAL BREAK.

10:36: Heeeere’s Molly. Do you think she has on enough make-up? Jesus. Is she performing on Broadway after the show?

Molly: “I didn’t know how to deal with heartbreak because I’d never been in that position before.” Oh my God. Get off your horse, Molly. She continued, “He’s such an incredible person and I’ll never deny that. I was in love with Jason, and just because he didn’t choose me doesn’t mean that’s all going to go away overnight.”

(Sidebar: I CALL BULLSHIT. I don’t believe Molly and Jason haven’t been talking.)

10:45: Jason’s back on stage with Molly now.

Jason: “I fell to my knees after you got in the limo. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. What you need to know is that Melissa was out here earlier and I ended things with her because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

(interjection: this feels fake and so rehearsed. Molly’s reactions are not genuine at all. She’s trying way too hard to act surprised and shocked.)

Jason: “I think the most insincere thing I could do is jump real fast from one thing to another but I was hoping we could have a shot, like go out for coffee or a drink and see where things…”

Molly: (snidely laughing)… “Um… what about Melissa?”

Jason: “What I did to her was horrible. Nobody deserves the pain she went through but I don’t want to live my life with any regrets. I know that when I think about living in the moment, it’s with you.”

I can almost hear the ABC producers saying, “Don’t take him back yet, Molly, we still have 10 minutes left.”

Molly’s still speechless. Jason’s still stuttering like a fool. This got old 25 minutes ago.

Molly: “We still have a lot to talk about but my feelings never went away. I think we can see where things to. This is something I dreamed of but never expected to hear.” Now her hand is on his knee. “There’s a piece of me that’s confused – I am blown away right now but there’s bigger discussions that we need to have but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t glad this is happening right now.”

And now they’re holding hands.

Jason: “I came here to find somebody to spend the rest of my life with, and you are that person.”

And now they’re making out.

And I’m revolted.

In closing, I’m walking away from this season of The Bachelor seriously disliking the show, and seriously disliking Jason Mesnick. Molly and Jason are about as two-faced as they come, and they should live happily ever after. Until they break up like every other couple on The Bachelor, that is.

Thanks for reading. I’m Jillian Madison and I’m…………………. OUT.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Live Blogging: The Bachelor Final 3 Girls
2. The Bachelor (Jason): Episode 5 Recap
3. The Bachelor (Jason): Episode 6 Recap
4. The Bachelor (Jason): Episode 4 Recap
5. The Bachelor (Jason): Episode 3 Recap

Hey – I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live blogging tonight’s episode of Survivor: Tocantins (episode #1803). Candace was kicked off last week. 14 contestants remain.

8:02 pm: This episode of Survivor is sponsored by Bounty, with 25% thicker quilts to clean up the copious amounts of Coach’s BS we’re all about to endure.

8:07: Everyone on Timbira hates Erinn because she was friends with Candace. Ah yes, nothing like watching 30 year olds act like 7th grade.

8:10: Jalapao has no clue how to use their fishing net. So far, they’ve only managed to catch two tiny minnows.

8:13: Challenge time! More of the same. They’re blindfolded, and have to make their way through a maze and fill barrels with corn, while one other team member screams directions. They’re playing for chairs, an umbrella, and blankets.

8:16: Corn is flying around everywhere. Orville Redenbacher must be rolling over in his grave.

8:17: Does no one know the difference between RIGHT and LEFT anymore?

8:18: Jalapao won reward. Finally. Now they can eat their 2 nasty minnows on comfortable lawn chairs. They’re sending Brendan to Exile, and he picked Taj to join him. Again.

8:19: Is this the COACH show? Why do I feel like he’s the only one I know by name?

8:23: Coach just told Tyson he was his “assistant coach” as horrible, lilting banjo music played in the background. Tyson’s southern accent made it seem just like a scene out of Deliverance.

8:26: Meanwhile, on Exile, Brendan and Taj got a clue that said the hidden immunity idol was “surrounded by wood.” So maybe they should start searching in Coach’s pants.

8:32: Immunity challenge! The contestants have to endure one entire episode of this BORING season of Survivor. Whichever team stays awake the longest, wins.

8:33: Kidding. 2 members of each tribe have to roll giant crates across a field. They then have to use those crates to make a staircase. First team to get all their members across wins immunity.

8:37: Jalapao won immunity. Again. And just like every other season on Survivor, one team wins everything while the other tribe suffers.

8:42: Jerry doesn’t feel good. He said he feels like there are 2 boxers “boxin’ around” in his stomach.

8:44: COACH, SHUT THE F*CK UP. Stop referring to Tyson as your “assistant coach.” Look around. Does it look like you’re on a soccer field? Do you see grass? Or Brandi Chastain’s sports bra?

8:47: Brendan randomly found the hidden immunity idol in the tree mail statue. Incredibly anticlimactic.

8:47: Timbira is split into two groups. Those who want to send Jerry home because his stomach hurts, and those who want Coach to have an embolism and die.

8:49: Ew. Tyson just said he wanted to send Erinn home, because he “loves seeing people cry when you crush their dreams.” What a sadistic, punk-ass bitch. Who says something like that?

8:52: Coach… the only person alive with an ego bigger than Oprah Winfrey.

Third person voted off Survivor Tocantins: JERRY.

That’s it for this (boring) episode… we’ll see you next week for more Survivor!

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Survivor Tocantins Episode #1801 Recap: LIVE BLOGGING
2. Survivor Gabon Episode #1706 Recap: LIVE BLOGGING
3. Survivor Gabon Episode #1707 Recap: LIVE BLOGGING
4. Survivor Gabon Episode #1703 Recap: LIVE BLOGGING
5. FIRST LOOK: The Cast of Survivor Tocantins

(2/25/09) Hey! I’m Jillian Madison, and I’ll be live-blogging tonight’s Top Chef New York finale for Pophangover. The finalists are Stefan, Carla, and Hosea. The winner gets a feature in Food & Wine, a showcase at the Food & Wine showcase in Aspen, a $100,000 cash prize, and the title of… TOP CHEF. LET’S DO IT.

10:00: Meeting with Padma and Tom in New Orleans. The final challenge is to cook the “best 3 course meal” of their lives. They’re getting some help from Richard, Casey, and Marcel, finalists from previous seasons of Top Chef.

10:05: Hosea chose Richard, Stefan chose Marcel, and Carla got Casey by default.

10:06: Hosea stole all the fois gras and all the caviar. Stefan is one pissed off European.

10:08: Raw fish flying around everywhere. I feel like I’m watching a “Behind The Scenes” episode of Deadliest Catch.

10:17: Wow. Really long commercial break. Ok, it’s the finale… there’s a twist. Tom is adding one more course. Each contestant has to make an appetizer using local New Orleans ingredients. Hosea had the baby in his King Cake, so he got to choose first. He picked redfish, and assigned the crab to Carla and the alligator to Stefan.

10:19: Quick question, why is the Top Chef NEW YORK finale in NEW ORLEANS?

10:20: Stefan just hacked the tail off of a whole crocodile. He’s making alligator soup.

THEIR MENUS:
Hosea is making a trio of sashimi, scallops & foie gras with pain perdu, and venison loin with wild mushrooms.

Stefan is making halibut & salmon carpaccio, squab with braised red cabbage & schupfnudeln, and ice cream & chocolate mousse with vanilla syrup and lollipops.

Carla is making seared snapper with saffron aioli & croutons, sous-vide New York strip steak with potato rod & merlot sauce, and cheese tart with apple coins & marmalade.

10:25: Carla’s giving herself a pep talk. “GIRL, YOU CAN DO IT.” Oh, look, more commercials.

10:31: Lots of stuffy people standing around in a stuffy room drinking champagne. Must be the judges.

10:32: Susan Spicer, John Besh, Rocco DiSpirito, Branford Marsalis, Fabio, Tory McPhail, Ti Martin, Gail Simmons, Toby Young, Tom Colicchio, Hubert Keller, and Padma are the judges. Ok… one of those things is not like the other. Why is FABIO there?

10:33: Hosea’s redfish appetizer is up first. One of the male judges is moaning. So either he liked it, or Monica Lewinsky is hiding under the table.

10:35: Things you notice when you’re bored: Padma’s dress matches the table perfectly.

10:36: The judges are tasting. They seemed to like Carla’s first course the best, but she overcooked her second course steak and no one enjoyed it. Fabio said, “zis wuz not-ahh hundred-ah granddeee deeeesh.”

10:39: DISASTER. Carla forgot to turn the oven down and her third course souffle bubbled and burned. And with that, Carla ruined her chances of winning this competition.

10:42: Carla admits this wasn’t the “meal of her life” but thinks the parts her “heart and soul were in were really good.”

10:45: God, this new Julia Roberts movie, Duplicity, looks really stupid. Comeback: FAIL.

10:46: This is it! Judges’ table! Stefan is standing there with his arms crossed, smug as usual. Carla’s getting hammered for her souffle-that-wasn’t, and Hosea is talking way too much.

10:52: Carla’s tearing up while giving reasons why she deserves to win Top Chef. And holy crap, Stefan saw her crying and actually started tearing up as well. The man is human. Who knew?

10:53: Padma just said, “We all can agree Carla is out of the running.” So it’s official – Carla is not the winner of Top Chef NY.

10:55: They’re only shooting Gail Simmons from the waist up. Girlfriend put on a few pounds.

11:00: AND THE WINNER OF TOP CHEF: NY IS… HOSEA.

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The whole announcement was really anticlimactic, don’t you think? There wasn’t any excitement in the air. It felt more like he just won a free taco or something.
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So there you have it! We’ll see you back here next season for more Top Chef goodness.

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Other posts on Pophangover:

1. FIRST LOOK: Top Chef New York Cast
2. CONTEST TIME: Win A Top Chef 2009 Calendar
3. Live Blogging: The Bachelor Finale
4. Top Chef Las Vegas: Meet The Contestants
5. Live Blogging: The Bachelor Final 3 Girls

(2/25/09) Hi. I’m Jillian Madison. I’ll be live blogging tonight’s American Idol: Group 2 performances. It’s a 2 hour show tonight, so pop a few No-Doz and settle in. This group sure does look boring.

8:00 pm: Kara’s advice: “It’s all about doing the best you can. There are no second chances.” Those little gems were clearly stolen from page 9 of Rocky Balboa’s “So You Wanna Be A Boxer” handbook.

8:04: Jasmine Murray, 17 going on 32, is the first performer. She’s singing Love Song. Ugh, no. It’s off pitch and she threw down way too many vocal runs. She’s a pretty girl, but her hands are GIGANTIC. The judges didn’t like her performance.

8:14: Matt Giraud, the goofy dueling piano player who never met a tuxedo vest he didn’t like, is up next. He’s singing Viva La Vida by Coldplay. Lookswise, he reminds me of a mixture of Justin Timberlake and Joey Macintyre, but his his performance is really average and forgettable. Oooh, scratch that. His vocal performance is God-awful. He’s missing more notes than a sick college student. Judges hated it.

8:20: Twenty minutes in, and TWO people have performed.

8:25: Jeanine Vailes, some 28 year old bartender and hideous lime green nail polish, is next. I’ve never even heard of before, but she looks like a rejected Pussycat Doll. She’s singing This Love by Maroon 5. Ughhh. This is AWFUL. I know I said that about the other 2, but this is even WORSE. God, I’m envious of Marlee Matlin right now. Judges hated it, but liked her legs. Do they make a consolation prize for that? Bye bye, Jeanine.

8:36: Nick Mitchell. Norman. Whatever. The tool in the sparkly shirt. He’s crawling all over the stage and mouth raping his microphone. Oh wait, he just got to second base with the American Idol sign. Overall, his performance was entertaining. Everyone is laughing, but his whole schtick is a joke. The sad part is, his vocals were better than the 3 people before him. Simon called it “horrific comedy” but Randy called it the “most entertaining performance of all time.”

8:40: Kara said, “We remember you, Norman. You come out every week and wear the same shirt, just like Simon.” Ooh, snap.

8:48: Man. I don’t know who this Allison Irahetta girl is, but she’s been spending far too much time in Stevie Nicks’ closet, that’s for sure.

8:50: She’s singing Alone by Heart. It’s surprisingly not bad. Not nearly as good as Carrie Underwood’s memorable performance from a few years back, but probably the best of the night so far (though that’s not saying much). One thing’s for sure: her voice makes her sound like she can’t wait to get backstage to smoke another pack of KOOLS.

8:55: Kris Allen is next. He apparently only wears flannel shirts. He’s singing… MAN IN THE MIRROR by Michael Jackson. OMG. This could be the worst song choice in American Idol history. Too bad HE didn’t look at the man in the mirror when he was putting on that skin tight imitation Members Only jacket.

9:05: Megan Corkrey has a good voice, but her dance moves are SINFULLY BAD. She’s twisting and stomping her foot, like she’s at a sock hop. I think she learned those dance moves from one of her son’s WIGGLES dvd’s. Still, she had the best performance of the night and I think she’ll breeze into the top 12.

9:12: We’ve just seen our 15th Ford commercial of the night. Now’s a good time to rant about how much this whole “Top 36″ idea blows. These episodes are torture to watch.

9:15: Matt Breitzke, the 38 year old welder who looks more like a bouncer, is up next. He seems like a nice guy, so I won’t mention his really bad lisp. Whoops. I mentioned it. He’s singing Tonic, “If You Could Only See.” Decent voice, but really bad dance moves. Wait, yeah, he just did the white man’s overbite. This is the un-rockiest Tonic performance of all time. Average and forgettable. Judges hated it.

9:20: The commenters on WEHATEIDOL.com are hysterical tonight. Keep it goin’ guys. This one made me laugh: “That’s the best workout Matt got since towing his ugly wifes car from the hometown buffet back in october.” So bad, yet so good.

9:21: Jesse Langseth, another boring and forgettable singer, is up next. She’s singing “Betty Davis Eyes.” What is this, 1982? I absolutely loathe her one-shoulder blue glitter sweater. I don’t like this girl. And she’s wearing a CLASS RING. Who actually wears their CLASS RING???

9:26: This girl is boring. I already forgot her name. Go home to your kid Jesse, buh bye.

9:30: DAMN IT. That damn “nannerpuss” commercial gets in my head for hours. I don’t even know what it’s advertising.

9:33: Kai Kalama. Zzzzzz. He’s doing Elvis movements with his lips as he’s singing “What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted.” This guy looks like Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons. I’ll tell you what becomes of the broken hearted… they wind up on American Idol singing boring songs. This was a dated, old fashioned song and it was, again, boring and forgettable. Simon called it “corny” and “something you’d hear in a hotel.” Word.

9:42: Mishavonna Henson is up next, singing “Drops of Jupiter” by Train. I don’t like the look of her face. She tragically looks like the pig in Charlotte’s Web. She’s just boring and cold. Paula said the song didn’t “excite her.” What the hell IS a drop of Jupiter anyway? Corny. Next.

9:51: Adam Lambert, the 27 year old musical theater geek who loves his black eyeliner, is the final performer of the night. He’s singing “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones (which is, personally, one of my top 10 most hated songs of all time). OMG. This performance is screaming ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. It’s simply HIDEOUS. And he’s wearing an ugly Michael Jackson glove with the fingers cut off, and 93 pounds of fake gold jewelry around his neck. Wow. I can’t even find the words to say how awful that performance was. Hated it.

Ok, Jesus. It’s finally over. Here’s my prediction for the 3 performers who will make it to the top 12: NORMAN/NICK, Megan Corkrey, and Allison Irahetta. We’ll bring you the results tomorrow night as soon as they go down.

As always, leave your thoughts in the comments and we’ll see you tomorrow night.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. American Idol Episode Recap: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Week
2. American Idol Episode Recap: Final Three Week
3. American Idol Episode Recap: MARIAH CAREY WEEK
4. American Idol Episode Recap: Neil Diamond Week
5. UPDATE: Syesha Mercado voted off American Idol