POPHANGOVER » CLOSE TO ZERO

CLOSE TO ZERO: 30 Rock Edition

Jillian Madison — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:48:45 +0000

FRIDAY = CLOSE TO ZERO! This week, it’s the 30 ROCK edition:

1. Chance “BLURG” will be added to Webster’s Dictionary this year: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Laughs Salma Hayek got during her guest appearances: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Minutes Jack can tolerate his mother without losing it: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Jenna Maloney’s self-confidence: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. Number of boobs Kenneth has touched: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. Tina Fey’s actual dance moves (bless her heart): CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Times you’ll see the top of Frank’s head: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Lines Grizz and Dot Com get every week: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Chance you’d live after being operated on by Dr. Spaceman: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Chance Tina Fey will reply to your Twitter message: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[To see other "Close To Zero" topics, click here! Enjoy!]

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CLOSE TO ZERO: The Brady Bunch Edition

Jillian Madison — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:47:22 +0000

FRIDAY = CLOSE TO ZERO! This week, it’s the BRADY BUNCH edition:

1. Stores that will be selling a mustard one-piece jumpsuit in 2009: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Meals Carol could be bothered to cook for her family: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Number of episodes cousin Oliver was in: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Alice’s bowling average: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. People Jan fooled with that black wig: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. High school boys who had a crush on Jan: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Episodes revolving around Peter: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Chance the TIKI made Greg fall while surfing: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Open floor space in the girls’ bedroom: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Chance you’ll find that Kitty Carryall doll on eBay: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[To see other "Close To Zero" topics, click here! Enjoy!]

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CLOSE TO ZERO: Reality TV Edition

Jillian Madison — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:18:44 +0000

FRIDAY = CLOSE TO ZERO! This week, it’s the REALITY TV edition:

1. Percent chance you got a Christmas card from Tim Gunn: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Average penis length (in inches) of the BROMANCE cast: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. People who watched True Beauty on ABC: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Days a relationship lasts once The Bachelor stops filming: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. Times (per month) MTV’s “real” worlders do dishes: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. People who will hit on you at a bar while you’re wearing these: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Things Sanjaya has in common with Sanjay Gupta: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. People who would have enjoyed Shrek if Tyra Banks was cast instead of Mike Myers: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Days Jeff Probst could hack it as an actual Survivor contestant: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Number of days “Real Housewives” Gretchen Rossi will wait to re-marry after her husband Jeff dies: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[To see other "Close To Zero" topics, click here! Enjoy!]

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CLOSE TO ZERO: eBay/Paypal Edition

Jillian Madison — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 19:41:51 +0000

FRIDAY = CLOSE TO ZERO! This week, it’s the EBAY/Paypal edition… because good God, I hate them both:

1. Number of places where eBay/Paypal list their “customer support” phone numbers: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Number of minutes you can work on Turbolister before it crashes your computer: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Chance Paypal will grant that claim in your favor: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Number of bids on THIS “Retro Mermaid Tampon Holder“: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. Percent chance the Ralph Lauren Big Pony polo you bought from that Chinese seller is authentic: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. Money you have left after eBay and Paypal take their fees: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. People who know what “NR” stands for: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Benefits you get as a Powerseller: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Number of times you should write “A+++” when leaving feedback: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Number of people who don’t have a Paypal horror story: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[To see other "Close To Zero" topics, click here! Enjoy!]

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CLOSE TO ZERO: Black Friday Edition

Jillian Madison — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 16:27:20 +0000

FRIDAY = CLOSE TO ZERO! This week, it’s the BLACK FRIDAY edition:

1. People who know why the hell it’s really called Black Friday: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Resolution on that $128 Magnavox Blu-Ray player at Wal-Mart: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Air quality inside your local Bath and Body Works: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Gift boxes left at Macys at 11 AM: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. Time (in minutes) until you lose your sanity at Toys ‘R Us: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. Thread count on the $20 cashmere sweaters at Old Navy: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Amount of light inside Hollister: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Number of helpful employees at Home Depot: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Breathing room in your jeans after yesterday’s feast: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Amount of weight you’ll lose using the Nintendo Wii Balance Board you spent 82 hours looking for: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[To see other "Close To Zero" topics, click here! Enjoy!]

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CLOSE TO ZERO: New York City Edition

Jillian Madison — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:23:50 +0000

It’s Friday… that means tomorrow is Saturday, AND it’s time for another edition of Close To Zero. This time, it’s all things New York City:

1. Chance you’ll run into Tina Fey on the street: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Chance they’ll let you ring the opening bell at the NYSE, even if you “ask really nicely”: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Number of authentic bags being sold by that street vendor on Canal Street: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Number of actual New Yorkers at the top of the Statue Of Liberty: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. Chance the Naked Cowboy came from a loving home: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. Average IQ of the New York Jets offensive line: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Temperature inside David Letterman’s Late Show studio: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. People willing to help you if you get lost looking for Central Park: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Chance that pretzel you just picked up will be fresh: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Steps you can walk without seeing a pigeon: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[ed. note: by popular demand, we're making Close To Zero a regular feature on Pophangover. To see other posts in this category, click here. Enjoy!]

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CLOSE TO ZERO: Food Network Edition

Jillian Madison — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:51:13 +0000

It’s Friday… time for another edition of Close To Zero! This time, we’re comin’ for you, Food Network:

1. Chance you’ll be able to replicate that Alton Brown recipe: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Weight (in ounces) of Bobby Flay’s balls: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Chance Rachael Ray washed that carrot: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Chance Barefoot Contessa is really barefoot: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. How much work Duff Goldman does on each episode of Ace Of Cakes: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. Chance Sandra Lee is completely sober during filming: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Percent chance Giada’s smile is genuine: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Percent chance Giada won’t over-enunciate the words MAS-KHAR-POH-NEEHH and MOZZARELLAHHH: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Number of times Paula Deen’s heart beats per minute: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. English spoken by Iron Chef Morimoto: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[ed. note: by popular demand, we're making Close To Zero a regular feature on Pophangover. To see other posts in this category, click here. Enjoy!]

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CLOSE TO ZERO: Wal-Mart Edition

Jillian Madison — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:18:39 +0000

A list of things in Wal-Mart that are CLOSE TO ZERO:

1. Taste in their Sam’s Choice Diet Cola: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Chance a Wal-Mart employee will “help you” do anything: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Times your cashier has been to the dentist this decade: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Actual monetary value of your Diamonelle promise ring: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. Percent chance your cashier’s kids all have the same baby daddy: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. Times the public restroom has been cleaned this month: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Number of clear pictures the Wal-Mart photo department develops per day: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Number of days your $.88 cent mug will last before breaking: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Percent chance that fat woman really needs that scooter: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Average paycheck of the Chinese kid who stitched those Faded Glory jeans: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[ed. note: by popular demand, we're making Close To Zero a regular feature on Pophangover. To see other posts in this category, click here. Enjoy!]

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CLOSE TO ZERO: Halloween Edition

Jillian Madison — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:20:23 +0000

A Halloween-inspired list of random things that are “CLOSE TO ZERO”

1. Amount of Nerds in that Fun-Pack: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Resale value of your cat-ear headband on November 1st: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Chance the girl in that catholic schoolgirl costume is a virgin: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Percent chance I’d open my door if this showed up: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. Number of people who think your carved pumpkin looks as good as you think it does: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. People you’re scaring with your “Halloween Sound Effects” cassette: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Kids who’ll ring the doorbell to this house: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Creativity shown in your co-worker’s witch costume: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Fun you’ll have removing your Tin Man make-up: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Oxygen getting through your discount Michael Myers mask: CLOSE TO ZERO!

[ed. note: by popular demand, we're making Close To Zero a regular feature on Pophangover. To see other posts in this category, click here. Enjoy!]

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“Close to Zero” Chance: Clinton Will Run for President Again, And More!

Jillian Madison — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 15:52:28 +0000

On October 14, 2008, the hosts of “Fox and Friends” asked Hillary Clinton how likely she’d be, on a scale of 1-10, to run for president again. “Probably close to zero,” said Clinton.

And now, a Clinton-inspired list of other things that are CLOSE TO ZERO:

1. This number: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Votes cast for Kim Kardashian on Dancing With The Stars: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Miles Per Gallon on a Hummer: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Passion in Tom and Katie’s marriage: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. Hours per day Kirstie Alley spends working out: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. Top speed of this ‘79 Chevette: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Percent chance Ellen Degeneres would have a condom in her purse: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Percent chance Ellen Degeneres would even be carrying a purse to begin with: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Median age of R Kelley’s love interests: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. Number of good movies Robin Williams has made in the last 20 years: CLOSE TO ZERO!

11. Amount of shit Uma Thurman took in “Kill Bill”: CLOSE TO ZERO!

12. Volume at which Meatloaf’s music sounds best: CLOSE TO ZERO!

13. Number of Amish people who could successfully place a call on Skype: CLOSE TO ZERO!

14. Percent chance this image was not photoshopped: CLOSE TO ZERO!

15. Keira Knightley’s weight: CLOSE TO ZERO!

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