Another week, another episode of the Real World.

Apparently it’s not boring enough watching these losers wandering around NYC, so for this episode, MTV organized a trip to Ryan’s hometown – EXCITING GETTYSBURG PENNSYLVANIA. With such fun places like the Victorian Photography Studio and the Somewear In Time Historical Clothing Center, who wouldn’t want to go? Look how clever they are with their puns! Hell, I already have my suitcase packed.

The episode centered around an AIDS bikeride, and some really lame 7th grade arguments between the boys and the girls that I guarantee no one in American found interesting or gave a shit about. So, for this review, I’ll be focusing on DISGUSTING KATELYNN and her inability to restrain herself from humping whatever inanimate object is closest to her and won’t punch her in the face. But first, let’s open with a quick pop quiz:

Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RECTANGLE AND KATELYN’S BODY?

A: NOT A FUCKING THING.
.

Next, Katelynn had a STRIPPER POLE delivered to the house. MTV dedicated a good 10 minutes of footage to Katelynn stretching, before ultimately doing things to the stripper pole that I couldn’t have imagined in my darkest nightmares.

Later, the roommates were having a nice dinner with Ryan’s family, when Katelynn started complaining about how bored she was. So, she got up and looked for something to shove between her legs. Unfortunately, she found a SUPPORT BEAM and humped it for 10 minutes as everyone in the family restaurant looked on in horror. Five minutes later, she was grinding somebody’s GRANDFATHER on the dance floor like the cheap whore that she is. Lesson #1 – Run for your life, grandpa. No one, and nothing, is safe from her freshly molded mangina.

Finally, Katelynn finally told Ryan that she had a sex change. Like he didn’t know.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Brooklyn drama to an end. Stay tuned for next week’s episode, when nothing happens yet again.

THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character: KATELYNN. I hate her, maybe more than any Real Worlder EVER, and that’s a lot. Close your legs and put some clothes on and get an ounce of class, you tacky bitch. This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s): KATELYNN: “Scott’s family was nice and everything, they’re good people, but I found myself getting bored at dinner.” That’s because you weren’t able to whore yourself around to artifically and temporarily raise your self esteem. Seek therapy. Now.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2105 Recap
2. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2103 Recap
3. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2101 Recap
4. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2102 Recap
5. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2104 Recap

Another week, another episode of the Real World. Because in the Real World, people with zero interview skills get access to stars after placing one phonecall!

The episode opened with Devyn once again pining for Scott. And despite her fake boobs flopping around in his face like two dead fish, he wouldn’t give her the time of day.

The big “Ryan Flips Out” scene that MTV was hyping up last week was actually really LAME. Ryan tied JD’s shoelaces together, and JD sought revenge by spraying shaving cream in Ryan’s room while he was sleeping. Ryan was pissed – so he ran into JD’s room, mentioned he was in the army about 52 times, and then went back to bed.

Next, Chet went to a BOWLING ALLEY (stifling laughter) to interview some band that no one has ever even heard of:

Back home, Ryan played the only 2 chords he knows on his guitar, while Baya sat there staring at him. MTV is desperately trying to portray Ryan as suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, but he’s just coming across as an immature dork with too much time on his hands.

Meanwhile, Chet is still a douche.

In the final scene of the night, Chet called somebody who knew somebody who knew Pete Wentz, and they actually made plans for Chet to interview him. One word: AWKWARD.  If Chet wasn’t messing up the proninciation of his name, he was oogling Pete and raping him with his eyes.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Brooklyn drama to an end. Stay tuned for next week’s episode, when nothing happens yet again.

THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character: CHET. TRL got canceled because they got word you wanted to host it, you fucking tool. This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s): Scott (on bringing home 2 different women on back-to-back nights): “I do a lot of listening to these women before I start talking about myself!” What a guy.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2103 Recap
2. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2101 Recap
3. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2102 Recap
4. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2106 Recap
5. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2104 Recap

Another week, another sinfully bad episode of The Real World Brooklyn. This week’s episode centered around Devyn, and her ridiculous quest to become an actress/singer. Aaaaand, that’s it. Really, feel free to just stop reading now, because you’re all caught up.

The episode opened with Devyn telling JD that she wanted to pursue a singing and acting career while she was in New York.  She said, “I’m trying to open myself up like never before.” Well, if you want to get ahead in the business quickly,  I suppose “opening yourself up” might be the way to go. Good luck with that, Devyn. But remember: if it smells funny, don’t put it in your mouth.

Cut to the roommates at some random “private party.” For no apparent reason other than that he’s an douche, Ryan showed up sporting a nasty pencil thin mustache that covered half his face. WOW! HE’S SO FUNNY AND CLEVER! I WISH I COULD BE HIS FRIEND. Did MTV spend… 5 minutes casting this season?

And speaking of casting, why is Scott even on this show? Is that even his name? I can’t even remember. What does he look like?

Meanwhile, Alex (the girl Chet was wetting his magic Mormon underwear over last week) was also at this “private party.” Watching Chet hitting on her, with his Howard The Duck haircut and ominous Hannibal Lecter blank gaze, was just downright creepy. I didn’t know if he was dreaming about kissing her, or removing her skin with a scalpel and weaving it into a new scarf.

Chet turned to the camera and said, “Alex is definitely into me.” No, Chet, Alex is into the cameras following you. “This could blossom into something very special.” Blossom? Ok, Mayim Bialik. It’s a random hook-up in a bar, not a rare African orchid or a Jewish teen actress.

The next day, the girls went out shopping at some really classy store that looked like it was probably named BIG JOHN’S DISCOUNT CLOTHING MART. Katelynn was buying to the sluttiest, ugliest pieces in the place. I’m talking leopard print tank tops that looked like they were mauled by an injured leopard. Skin-tight stonewashed jeans with huge gold zippers on the back pockets. You know, all the outfits that would compliment her nasty unwashed hair and greasy face.

Next, Sarah got a phone call from her dad, who she claims sexually abused her when she was a child. The conversation was ridiculous and frustrating to listen to from an outsider’s perspective. Sarah meekly said into the phone, “please don’t call here ever again. I’m hanging up.” But she didn’t hang up. She sat there listening to him, engaging the conversation, and randomly muttering “I’m gonna hang up” for 5 minutes before actually hanging up.

She then immediately called her mother and said, “I didn’t think this was something I’d have to deal with here,” with all the gusto of someone who genuinely believed breathing New York air would make you forget you were allegedly molested by your father. Her mother basically said, “I’m sorry he called. Don’t be a victim. Bye!”

That night, or who the hell knows when in B&M’s world of editing, the roommates were out at a bar (shocking!), when JD showed up with some random transsexual. He was drunk, bragging about her to everyone like she just fucking cured cancer. “This is my friend and she’s the best tranny ever, and the best singer ever, and the best whore ever, and blah blah blah!”

Then, out of the blue, the new tranny (new tranny? I can’t even believe I have to differentiate the trannys) grabbed Devyn by the hand and pulled her up on stage to sing a song with her. And in the most entertaining, unintentionally hysterical moments of the show so far, Devyn cleared her throat and “sang” the opening verse of “I Hope You Dance.” AND IT WAS AWFUL. More like, “I Hope You’re Deaf” so you don’t have to hear this shit.

When they got home, Sarah’s dad called. Again. Aaaannnd, repeat the same conversation from earlier in the episode. “I’m hanging up now (but I’m not!)” and “Don’t call here anymore. But wait, why are you calling here?!”

Sarah broke down and told the roommates that she was “molested at a day care center by one of the teachers” but went to therapy for it and healed the best she could. She also explained, “my parents separated and I went camping with my dad and he only brought 1 sleeping bag. We’ve been trying to press charges against him ever since.” Well, uh, NOT TO PRY, but that’s all he did? Just brought one sleeping bag? I’m confused. Whatever. In the spirit of not making jokes about molestation, I’ll just say this: here’s to hoping she at least got to make S’mores.

[To be clear, Sarah's father claims he never molested her. He says Sarah's mother filled her head with lies after they got divorced, so she could keep sole custody of her.]

Anyway. In equally depressing news, cut to a shot of Devyn with rollers in her hair and a facial mask smeared on her cheeks, screaming the Star Spangled Banner at the top of her lungs. She looked more like an extra in Girl, Inturrupted than a Real World cast member. She was preparing for a one on one meeting with a real-life casting director… because you know how easy those meetings are to get. Right.

Devyn showed up an hour late to her meeting because she took a wrong turn and drove to Jersey. I’m sorry, but you have to be a Class 1 asshole to get that lost with a navigation system in your car. Was she using Jon Bon Jovi’s GPS? Or did Tony Soprano have the rental car out before she did? Maybe she should spray some luminol in the trunk just to be sure.

When she finally got there, she read some lines (badly) and sang the Star Spangled Banner (again, badly) for Alan Filderman. He basically laughed her out of the audition, and made fun of her resume that smeared ink all over his fingers. WTF? So either MTV put the cheapest piece of shit printer in the house, or she wrote the resume herself with QUILL AND INK.

Okay, let me tell you, I could have done without the next 2 closeup shots of Sarah’s hideous, fat, hairy Flintstone feet. Jesus Christ, MTV. That was uncalled for. I’m still recovering. What’s next? A closeup of Katelynn’s scalp? I wont’ sleep for a month.

Chet went on a date with Alex that night. Or at least, I think it was a date. It was more like two awkward 8th graders hanging out and snapping their gum as they talked about the new 90210. “What time do you want me to go home tonight?” “I don’t know, whenever your mom says I gotta go!”

Chet told the roommates he only got a one second kiss after the date. And then, in one of the most vomit worthy conversations in RW history, Katelynn started complaining that she was feeling sexually frustrated because she hasn’t had an orgasm in a while. EWWWWWWW. The thought of dirty, unwashed Katelynn wriggling around in pleasure is absolutely disgusting to me. Then, just in case the conversation wasn’t revolting enough, Chet confessed he;s never “touched a boob,” and that he has fucking “nocturnal emissions” because he doesn’t have sex or masturbate. Open mouth, vomit, and repeat as necessary until the icky feeling subsides.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Brooklyn drama to an end. Stay tuned for next week’s episode, when JD sprays shaving cream on Ryan, causing him to unnecessarily flip out like a crazy person. It may sound interesting, but don’t worry, it won’t be.

THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character: DEVYN. You can’t sing, and you can’t act. You were outperformed by a drunk tranny. Kill yourself now. This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s): CHET, for the 4th week in a row! “The fact that Alex is willing to sleep over with me shows she’s attracted to me and that’s natural.” Gag me with the largest spoon available.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2101 Recap
2. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2102 Recap
3. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2103 Recap
4. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2105 Recap
5. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2106 Recap

Another week, another God-awful episode of The Real World Brooklyn. This week, the cast tried to whore themselves out as DJ’s and musicians, and Chet shared his dreams of someday becoming a “TV interviewer.” Yeah. I can just see that now:

Chet: Thanks for having me here. This is so exciting.
Chippendales guy: No problem. So we have this new calendar out…
Chet: Yeah, we’ll get to that later. First, let’s talk about the size of your penis. Are you a top?

The show opened with Ryan playing guitar for Baya. She was drooling over him. Not because he was a great musician, but because she just got back from a nasty root canal.

Cut to a shot of Katelynn sitting at her computer, mad that her boyfriend hasn’t email her in the last 5 minutes or something. Get over it. Maybe he’s been busy. Or maybe he’s been out searching the town for someone who tweezes their eyebrows and hasn’t had a fivesome.

It’s been 3 minutes… so guess what that means? No, not that your microwave popcorn is done… but that it’s time for more shots of Ryan singing about Iraq and playing the guitar! Who the hell produced this episode? Saddam Hussein? Regardless, I wanted to reach through the television and choke the roommates for egging him on. Ryan needs to find another hobby, because musically, he’s a less talented version of the girl who sang JOE LIES WHEN HE CRIES in the movie Say Anything.

The next night at the bar, Katelynn was depressed. Maybe because her boyfriend still hadn’t emailed her, maybe because she didn’t get the pony she asked for when she was 8. You just never know with Katelynn. So she did what any loyal, trustworthy girlfriend would have done: she stuck her tongue down the throat of anyone desperate enough to give her the time of day. And in the shithole bar they were in, that was just about EVERYONE. Translation: Katelynn’s self esteem is lower than a limbo pole on luau night at a midget bar.

The next day, Chet and Ryan met up with some producer named “Machine” to see if he could help Ryan with his music career. You know, because Ryan already has fans (Baya) and a cult following (Chet), so getting in touch with a high powered record producer is the next logical step. And so, without much fanfare, Ryan played one of his songs song for him.  I especially liked this lyric:

“…someday I’d like to live as a tampon in the woman I love…”

aaaaaaaaaaand, crickets. It was so quiet in that room, if you listened closely, you could actually hear the estrogen coursing through Chet’s veins. The record producer guy was completely mortified by just how badly Ryan sucked. Stifling his laughter, Machine said, “I don’t think you should be here,”  and threw him out of the room before Chet could even reapply his eyeliner.

Here’s the thing: Ani DiFranco could get away singing about tampons. Chris Rock could get away singing about tampons. Ryan, not so much. So here’s to hoping he never picks up a guitar again. Sleep easy tonight, Dave Matthews, your career is safe.

Ryan went home and slumped himself down on his bed. He pretended he didn’t care that he was just blown off and humiliated, but you could tell he wanted to curl up into the fetal position and watch Paula Deen reruns until the pain melted away like the butter in one of her skillets.

In other news, Devyn is completely obsessed with Scott, but he clearly just wants to be her friend. She’s so delusional about their relationship that she made some 2nd grade “BFF METER” which really just looked like a thermometer, to chart his “feelings” for her based on activities they shared. In case all that wasn’t ridiculous enough, she also attacked him like a crazy person in the middle of the night, telling him to “be careful” because his “hugs were dangerous.” You could tell Scott just wanted her to get the fuck out of the room so he could go to sleep. It’s safe to say somebody in the house with huge fake boobs needs to go see a midnight showing of He’s Just Not That Into You.

Meanwhile, Katelynn went out on a date with some poor unsuspecting bastard she met at a bar. And by “date” I mean “walked around the city for 5 hours like people who spent their subway money on crack and liquor.” She then kissed him goodbye and whined some more about how much she missed her ugly boyfriend back home.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Brooklyn drama to an end. MTV’s promos led us to believe the roommates would all be making out with each other this week. More lies! Stay tuned for next week’s episode, when some mystery man calls Sara and makes her cry. I’m brimming with anticipation.

THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character: RYAN. He sounds like every drunk frat boy who’s ever picked up a guitar, and yet just because he’s on a shitty MTV show he got a chance to sit down with a record producer? While thousands of talented people can’t even get their phonecalls returned? That’s fucking ridiculous. This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s): CHET: taking it home for the 3rd weekn in a row with this bullshit comment: “I’d like to take her out on a date. There’a an obvious attraction. She’s a model, and I’m Chet…” aaaaaand, cue laughter.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2105 Recap
2. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2101 Recap
3. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2102 Recap
4. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2106 Recap
5. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2104 Recap

Another week, another episode of The Real World Brooklyn. I’ll start off by saying THIS SHOW SHOULD ONLY BE 30 MINUTES LONG. You know, like it’s always been in the past. MTV clearly doesn’t have enough footage to make the entire hour interesting, and we’re paying the price. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want to see 15 minutes of footage of Baya holding her arms in the air at a dance audition… or 20 minutes of pseudo intellectual conversation between two dim-wits while they’re brushing each other’s hair in the kitchen. Seriously, if we have to endure an entire season of this drawn out shit, just strangle me with one of Chet’s glitter scarves and kill me now.

The episode opened with more shots of the Statue of Liberty – you know, in case the new people tuning in saw Chet and thought the show was being filmed in P-TOWN this year.

Chet grabbed one of JD’s size XL condoms, and lovingly fingered it as he tried to get JD to talk about how big his penis was. (I swear to God I am not making this up.)  “Straight” Chet was literally foaming at the mouth as visions of JD’s penis danced around in his head. Thankfully, JD wouldn’t answer him, so Chet gave up and said, “Fine, don’t tell me. But huge penises are a rare commodity where I come from.” Really? Where’s that, China?

((Hi, I’m MTVixen Jill, and just so there’s no confusion, I HATE CHET. And now back to your regularly scheduled review.))

Meanwhile, as Chet was fantasizing about JD’s bottle of anal lube (not making that up either!), Sarah was feverioushly combing Katelynn’s dirty-looking horse hair in the bathroom. Katelynn felt comfortable enough to tell Sarah the big secret that everybody every already knew: no, not that  Sylvester Stallone didn’t REALLY throw mama from the train, but that she was a post-op transsexual. Sarah said, “I don’t care what you were before, you’re a woman now.” Oh shut up, Sarah. Where did you find that line? From page 9 of the”Things To Say To Your Daughter When She Gets Her Period” Handbook?

The next morning, the roomates woke to find a banana wrapped in one of JD’s condoms floating in the fishtank. JD suspected Chet did it, but wasn’t man enough to talk to him about it himself. Instead, he sent SARAH to talk to Chet. Because we’re 8 years old.

Chet confessed to pulling the prank (wait, aren’t pranks supposed to be funny and not FUCKING LAME), but said he used his own condom because they “hand them out like candy in New York.” Bitch, please. They don’t even hand CANDY out like it’s candy in New York.

This whole stupid fishtank mystery took these bumbling morons 10 minutes to unravel. And what did we learn? That 1) Chet is lame, and 2) JD’s penis is the size of a banana.

Anyway, back to the review. Baya (remember her?) is deluded enough to think she has rhythm and is a good hip hop dancer. She took Sarah and Katelynn to an Afro Caribbean dance class, and explained to them, “Dancing is letting somebody see your story through movement.” Well, judging from Baya’s movement, her story involved prostitution and a leisure on the brain that causes violent seizures.

On the way home, moved by the Afro-Caribbean spirit of the afternoon, Katelynn “came out” to Baya and Sarah (again) on the drive home. The three then spent 20 minutes talking about how “powerful” Katelynn’s story was. PLEASE. She’s not powerful. My Ryobi is powerful. Katelynn’s just a whore who loves fivesomes.

JD decided to take the roommates out to Chelsea that night. Cut to a shot of Sarah PUTTING EYELINER ON CHET. He said, “I find the girls at the club with whom I want to interact like it.” Who are you kidding? You like playing dress up and getting pretty. There’s noting wrong with being gay. DEAL WITH IT and stop watching “But I’m A Cheerleader” on repeat, you brainwashed, repressed loser!

(Did I mention I hate Chet?)

Chet was wearing skintight black capri’s, a PINK FANNY PACK, and a white scarf that had more glitter on it than the floor of an elementary school craft closet. And when Ryan told Chet that they’d be going to a gay club, Chet’s eyes opened wider than Oprah’s mouth on Thanksgiving. Too bad nothing fun happened while they were at the bar. And where was Scott? Home trying to figure out how to use his penis pump?

Next, we had to watch EIGHT YEARS OF FOOTAGE of Baya’s boring audition at the Hip Hop Conservatory. Apparently, their idea of dancing is holding your arms out to the side while the class leader counts to 50. Hi, MTV? It’s called an editing room floor. If you need help locating it, CALL ME.

Here’s the thing: BAYA CAN’T DANCE HIP HOP! She’s a mediocre dancer at best, no different than any one of the stupid bitches you see at the club every weekend, standing in the middle of the dance floor with a beer in their hand, shrugging their shoulders and piercing their lips like they are the shit. Come back down to Earth, Baya. We’re waiting for you.

Later that day, or “who the hell knows when” in MTV’s world of editing, Chet’s mother and 9451 sisters randomly showed up at the Real World house. Someone mentioned that Chet wore eyeliner to the bar, and his mother just about fell over. And in the screechiest voice I’ve heard since, well, Screech, she said, “Did you take my eyeliner?! YOU DON’T WEAR EYELINER!”

More Chet revelations: at dinner, Chet’s mother said, “Chet got kicked out of his fraternity for SETTING SOMEONE’S HAIR ON FIRE.” Who sets someone’s hair on fire? A crazed Mormon loon, that’s who. Oh, and $50 bucks says it was the guy’s PUBIC hair that Chet set on fire.

Baya then found out she was accepted to the hip hop cult she tried out for earlier, but decided to turn them down. Here’s what happened in a nutshell:

Ring, ring, “Hi Baya, this is the Hip Hop conservatory, we think you’re a shitty dancer but we’re going to accept you anyway because you are surrounded by MTV cameras. What’s that? You don’t want to join? Ok, well fuck you then. Your mother’s a whore.” CLICK.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Brooklyn drama to an end. Stay tuned for next week’s episode, when Ryan woos Baya with his “I just got out of my 3rd lesson” guitar skills.

THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character: CHET. Hands down. The pink fannypack he wore to the bar made him a shoe-in for this award tonight. Not to mention his obsession with JD’s penis. Get a grip, Chet. This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s): CHET: “Huge penises are a rare commodity where I come from.” Yeah. Utah. We know. So are families with under 29 siblings.

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2101 Recap
2. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2103 Recap
3. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2104 Recap
4. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2106 Recap
5. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2105 Recap

Another year – another season of The Real World! I’m MTVixen Jill, and I’ll be walking you through this crapfest for the next few weeks. This year, we have 8 (not 7) mediawhores to contend with, so let’s get to it!

The episode opened with a photo montage of Brooklyn New York… brownstones, pizza, people playing basketball, and children playing hopscotch with bullet casings and a modified chalk outline. And if you looked closely, you could even see a quick shot of NBC news anchor Sue Simmons  in her kitchen giving herself a home perm.

We met Ryan and Mormon Chet first. Ryan’s plaid baseball cap is already annoying, but not as annoying as Chet’s Howard the Duck haircut. Let me break it down for you: I disliked Chet immediately. His audition tape showed him using a sewing machine to add pink embellishments onto his black shirts… but he swears he’s straight. Give me a break. He wouldn’t know straight if he bit him on the ass while he was lifting weights and watching Rambo.

Enter Devyn, the ex-pageant queen with boobs that look like they’re filled with more plastic than Puff Daddy’s wallet. She bragged, “You have a better chance of getting into heaven then getting into Devyn.” Sure, laugh, but walk away knowing it took her feeble brain 4 years to craft that witty gem.

Next we met Baya, a dull girl from Utah who wants to be a hip hop dancer. Ryan said, “she seems like a cool girl I can chill with.” He immediately led her into a nearby walk in refrigerator  to test his theory.

Sarah, the ex-lesbian with more tattoos than the guy from Prison Break, and JD, the token gay guy, met up and hit it off. First impression: Sarah’s facial piercing looks infected and nasty. She should have that thing looked at. And JD’s voice is whiny and fleeting. “My name is JD, like Jack Daniels,” he told Sarah. I guess that’s better than telling people, “My name is JD, like Juvenile Diabetes.”

Next came Scott, a 23 year old meathead who wants to be a model/actor. He has average looks and a nice body, but unfortunately has the brain power of a rusty, neglected Garden Weasel. He met up with Katelynn, the male-to-female transsexual who looks like she hasn’t showered since 2004, and they seemed to get along (translation: boring episode). Here’s the thing – Katelynn,  I know you’re new to being a girl and all, but let me let you in on a little secret: WE GIRLS WASH OUR HAIR AND TWEEZE OUR EYEBROWS. Hell, we even go wild and buy ourselves a new shirt every now and then. You should try it sometime, because you look like you just crawled out of Bam Margera’s ass.

Everybody got to the house and picked their rooms, and the whole thing played out more smoothly than Scott’s freshly waxed chest.  There were no misunderstandings, no catfights, and no near death experiences in the hot tub (think Ruthie from Real World Hawaii – the good old days!) It was boring. And I was disappointed. I stopped watching and reviewing The “Real World” after season 13 (Las Vegas) because it got way too fake, and way too boring. The people weren’t real – they were boring and self centered and were all there to try to further their career. This batch of losers is no different.

Anyway, back to the review. Katelynn randomly said, “I’m not planning on hooking up with anyone, but if I did, it would be Scott.” Place hand over mouth, giggle, and repeat. The clincher? She said it with all the seriousness and confidence of someone who believed they could get Scott in the sack if they wanted to. But 1) you already have a boyfriend back home you whore, and 2) you’d have an easier time convincing Oprah to back away from the Junior’s Cheesecake than making out with Scott.

And while I’m saying “Scott” every 5 seconds, let me just say I’m already sick of him lifting up his shirt every 5 seconds. I don’t know what’s bigger: his ego, or Mike Rowe’s dry cleaning bill.

Next, Katelynn started taking about her slutty past. She said, “I believe in polyamorous, open relationships, but sex with more than 3 people is like a jigsaw puzzle!” She then nonchalantly mentioned she had a FIVESOME. It was literally like, “Yeah, I like pizza, I have 2 dogs, I had a FIVESOME.”  Ryan stood in the corner, making faces of shock and disgust. So either he disagreed with her sexual past, or he just got back from a showing of Benjamin Button. You decide.

The next morning, Ryan casually told Sarah he was in the army. She gasped and screamed, “WAIT, WHAT?! I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!” Um, maybe that’s because you’ve known him for 6 minutes, you stupid ex-lesbian! Go stand in the corner and recite the lyrics to “Come To My Window” by Melissa Etheridge 5 times. And hey, on your way back, bring me some water.

(Completely random, pointless thought: I never get tired of that Swiffer “baby come back” commercial. It makes me laugh every time. Candygram!)

Feeling a newfound connection with Sarah, Ryan ran into his room and pulled out this HUGE FUCKING UNIBOMBER MANUSCRIPT he wrote about being in Iraq. Noooo sir, no issues there whatsoever. He’s perfectly fine. A-OK! Well, on the bright side, at least he didn’t eat his feelings, or he’d be looking like Carnie Wilson circa ‘92.

Next came one of the lamest scenes in Real World history. Chet and Ryan went outside and sat inches away from each other in a random marooned rowboat, and made up little songs about the roommates. Ryan showcased his skillful G-A-D guitar chord skills as Chet sang about how cute he thought Scott was. BUT REMEMBER, CHET IS STRAIGHT. And I am Suri Cruise.

Question: Why is Chet constantly wearing those cheap, feminine, oversized sunglasses that look like they just fell off the discount rack at Claire’s? And what’s with the key around his neck? I’ve got $50 bucks that says it unlocks a box that holds a lifesize replica of Brad Pitt’s penis. Who’s down?

JD then asked Katelynn to go to dinner so they could talk. She accepted, and then frantically said, “what am I gonna wear?!” Oh I don’t know… how about the same hideous shit you’ve been wearing since you got to New York? A bedazzled top? Hideously miscut beige capris? Any chance “What Not To Wear” is filming in NYC this week?

In the final scene of the night, Katelynn spilled her “transgendered” secret to JD in the back of the car before they even got to the restaurant. I felt like I was watching some low-budget, less interesting version of Taxicab Confessions. If only they got robbed at gunpoint. THAT would have made some good TV.

And that, my friends, brought our first week of Real World Brooklyn drama to an end. Stay tuned for next week’s episode, when the housemates just sit around doing more boring stuff.

THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character: CHET. God doesn’t hate fags. He hates Mormons from Utah who are in denial. This week’s Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s): CHET: “I just wanna show people Mormons are fun.”  Do you have to do that by blabbering on my TV? Can’t you just juggle or something?

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2102 Recap
2. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2105 Recap
3. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2103 Recap
4. REAL WORLD BROOKLYN with MTVIXEN JILL: Meet The Cast
5. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2106 Recap

So who will we be laughing at this season? All of these cast members are rehashed versions of earlier Real World castmembers. But hey, we’re not tired of seeing the same things after TWENTY other seasons or anything. So without further adieu, let’s meet the cast of The Real World Brooklyn, and cast petty judgments based solely on their appearances!

Baya Voce-Hoffman is a hip-hop DJ from Salt Lake City, Utah (wait, they have those there?)  She and fellow housemate Chet graduated from the same high school, but she’s not Mormon. I don’t have much to say about her yet, other than she reminds me of an Alyson Hannigan knockoff with a receding gum disease.

Chet Cannon is one of 10 children from a strict Mormon family. His hair prevents him from seeing well out of his left eye, so don’t sneak up on him. He doesn’t drink, smoke, or have sex, so basically, he’s a living, breathing version of a Brady Bunch episode. How exciting for us all. He’s a die-hard Republican and he says he’s straight, even though he makes more comments about washboards than Emmett Otter. Bottom line: Chet is the male version of Julie from Real World New Orleans, with an even uglier haircut. I wonder if he packed his Magic Mormon Underpants?

Don’t be fooled! Despite the caked on make-up and really bad weave, Devyn Simone is NOT the transsexual of the house. She won the Miss Missouri Teen and the Miss America Teen pageants, and thinks she’s better than everyone else. (Translation: she had no childhood, and as a result, measures her self worth by how many people are drooling over her.) She is on the Real World because she thinks “it will be good for her career.” Um, somebody burst her bubble by showing her a clip of a washed-up Eric Nies on VH1’s Teen Idol, please.

J.D. Ordonez, 22, is this season’s token gay castmember. He wanted to become a dolphin trainer after a trip to Sea World when he was 5. Yeah, so did I. AND THEN I GREW UP. When he’s not tending bar or picking up older men, he’s screaming at people and breaking glass tables. MTV calls it his “fiery Latino temper.” I call it “Ease up on the tequila, champ.” While he’s at it, he should lose that banana yellow hoodie. Really, who wears a BANANA YELLOW HOODIE? Astronauts can probably see him from space. Bottom line: I can’t stand the sight of his face already. Somebody please sit him down and explain the many benefits of TWEEZING ONE’S EYEBROWS.

Katelynn Cusanelli is a 24 year old post op transsexual from West Palm Beach, Florida. She was born a “HE” – until he fled to Thailand to have his penis removed, that is. I’ll be picking on her a lot… not because she’s a transsexual, but because I hate dirty whores. And Katelynn, who spends a lot of time bragging about her sexual experiences (including a five-some), definitely falls into that category. (Wow, and I thought JD’s eyebrows were bad?! I don’t care for her “ear popping out from behind her greasy hair” look, either. Does she have a Lord of the Rings audition in her future?)

Ryan Conklin, 23, yawn yawn yawn. Lives in Pennsylvania, yawn yawn yawn yawn. The hideous chair he’s sitting in says more than I ever could. “Wake me up when he go-goes.” -WHAM

Sarah Rice is an ex-lesbian who is now in love with a dude, after being set up with him by HER MOTHER. I can almost hear Mrs. Rice screaming “YESSSSSS!” under her breath from here. Word on the street is that Sarah cries a lot (think “annoying” like Sugar from Survivor: Gabon). She was sexually abused, and has dedicated her life to educating and advocating for sexually abused men and women. And to getting ugly tattoos. Did I mention she used to be a lesbian? Somebody go take her Indigo Girls CDs away from her, stat.

Scott Herman is 23, and once won “Best Abs On The East Coast.” I’d say he made up and marketed the title himself, but I don’t think his feeble brain could quite pull that one off. You know what I say: the bigger the muscles, the smaller the peen. Scott has worked in a gym since he was 14, and makes extra money by DJ’ing for Sweet 16 birthday parties. Take that, Samantha Ronson. In other news, I hope Scott at least had the decency to ask my Grandpa for permission before borring one of his hats.

The Real World Brooklyn premieres on MTV on Wednesday, January 7th, at 10pm. See you back here then!

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2101 Recap
2. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2105 Recap
3. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2102 Recap
4. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2104 Recap
5. Real World Brooklyn with MTVixen Jill: Episode #2103 Recap