HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROAST: Calista Flockhart Edition
Published on: November 11, 2008 – 4:25 pm by Jillian Madison 
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NOVEMBER 11, 2008: Happy birthday, Calista Flockhart!
Today you’re the ripe old age of 44! Shh, do you hear that? No, it’s not the sound of people laughing at how bad your boyfriend’s last Indiana Jones movie was… it’s the sound of your breast milk turning to dust. Better start stealing some Boniva out of Sally Field’s purse, or you’ll wake up one day to find your bones are as brittle as your permanently unwashed-looking hair (psst: size of a dime).
Only in America could a girl who was voted “Most Likely To Accidentally Fall Through A Sewer Drain” in high school go on to become the star of shows like Ally McBeal and Brothers & Sisters. Your bony ass was fodder for late late night talk show hosts for years, and with good reason. You were so skinny, a fisherman could have put you on a hook and used you as bait. There was so little meat on your bones, even Hannibal Lecter would have looked at you and said “fuck it.” And your boobs were so small, you could have used a bent teaspoon as a bra in a pinch.
You’ve managed gain a few pounds through the years though. Good for you! What do you weigh in at now? 87 pounds? Keep at it! Just 7 more pounds until you weigh as much as Oprah’s left breast.
So here’s to you, Calista Flockhart! I’d tell you to go eat a cupcake, but you’d probably just puke it up. (And just so you know, Jane Krakowski was the real star of Ally McBeal.)
Other posts on Pophangover:
November 14th, 2008
She still needs to eat a sandwich. The funnies shirt that I have ever seen said “Feed Kate Moss”.