STARTING NOW: New Rules for 12/5/08
Published on: December 5, 2008 – 1:27 pm by Jillian Madison 
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Starting Now: New Rules
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STARTING NOW: Magazines and websites have to stop using that one skinny photo of Oprah Winfrey, taken back in 1994 when she ran that marathon. Who are you kidding? She’s pushing 250 these days, and the only place she’s running is to the fridge to get more marinara for her mozzarella sticks. |
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STARTING NOW: Stop giving me news about the movie Twilight. I don’t know who Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are. I don’t know what they do in the movie. I just know I want them to eat garlic and die. |
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STARTING NOW: The Food Network has to immediately stop running that annoying commercial for PARTINI. Every time I hear that jingle, a small portion of my soul blackens and dies. How long until this piece of shit game is in the dollar bin-tini? |
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STARTING NOW: My hairdresser has to shut the hell up while cutting my hair. I don’t want to hear about “the hysterical time” you got drunk and trimmed your boyfriend’s hairy ballsack with a pair of your cuticle cutters. What is this, the “before” portion of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover? I’m here for a cut and color – not to film an episode of Jerry Springer. And while I’m at it, you can grab my chin and say “a little to the left” as much as you want. My head only turns so far. I’m not an owl. Thanks. |
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Other posts on Pophangover:
December 8th, 2008
Your title of “blow job” stories reminded me of when I was misbehaving at a former job (no, this doesn’t involve oral sex).
The co-owner of the insurance agency (My mom was other half owner, I was office manager) was basically just a very rich old lady with no sense. We put her in the back, and I shit you not when I say she spent her 8 hour work day shuffling stacks of envelopes around, opening mail, and sighing (and we only let her have her own personal mail, so we’re talking… 3-5 things, tops). She was big on “being in charge” and “giving orders” especially when it came to me.
She walked up to my desk and said, “How much do you think people would charge me for a blow job?”
My response: *blink*
She then went on to explain that she needed her hair “blown out” (is this an old lady thing, because if I’m in a salon, hair is being cut off) for this party she had to attend, yadda yadda I’m tuning you out still trying not to openly laugh at “blow job”.
My life’s ambition in that office was to make myself as amused as possible without being obvious. I constantly caused SO many problems, but it made my day go by so much faster.
I said, “Hrm.. I’m not sure, *name*. What *I* would do if it were me, is I’d just call all the salons around here and be sure to let them know who you are (because her “name” was important in our town of 1,000) and just ask them how much they’d charge you for a blow job.”
By this time, my Mom has snapped her head up and is looking at me with blind panic while I am sitting angelically looking back at her.
I swear on my children’s heads that that old woman went back to her phone and called NO LESS THAN 25 salons (a customer came in and I lost count… I had tally marks on my desk calendar) saying EACH time, “Hello, this is *first and last name*. How much would you charge me for a blow job?”
It was a very happy day for me.
ps: Partini can lick my proverbial balls. I’m sick of hearing that shit. Show me FOOD, people.
December 8th, 2008
Ugh. THANK you Jill for the Twilight comments. My wife gets all the ‘Us’ and ‘Ok!’ magazines, I swear they’re all being published by 14-year-old girls this month.
December 8th, 2008
LOL great comment Lydia… youre a great writer.
Add me to the list of people so sick of Partini!
December 8th, 2008
HAAHA Lydia. Evil and I love it. Great story.