I’m the first to admit… sometimes I am completely oblivious to the most obvious of things. I’ve spent many an hour watching crappy reality shows on MTV and VH1, and I saw the ads for “Bromance”, but I guess I didn’t really pay attention to what I was seeing.  I THOUGHT that the show was going to be about Brody Jenner hanging with his “Bros”, one of which was sure to be Frankie. I mean, Frankie is EVERYWHERE. One of my favorite games to play while watching The Hills is “Where’s Frankie?” It’s like Where’s Waldo, only mixed with a completely scripted reality show. It amuses me! Let me get my joy where I may.

Oh Jesus…The show started, and I just realized I am now watching the male version of Paris Hilton’s Search for My New BFF.

Shoot me. Just do it. Pull the trigger. I did not sign up for this!!!  I thought the Paris show was as bad as it could get. I mean, like she’s REALLY going to be that girl’s BFF. Puhlease. But now Brody Jenner is all “ooh ooh me too!!”.

So, it’s not what I expected, but… I opened this box, and I’m damn well gonna make it through at LEAST one episode. Maybe it’ll suck me in. Bad reality shows have a way of doing that to me.

Wait! I have to interrupt myself. I should also warn you that sometimes my train might derail, but just hang in there… it always gets back on track and arrives safely. Choo Choooo!

Brody Jenner is one of those people who I HAVE to call them by their first AND last names. Never just Brody. Seriously. Just typing it makes me feel ooky inside. So just know this, going into it, okay? Okay.

So… Brody Jenner brings these 9 random guys to his house to “hang” and see who can become part of his “Bromance” and be his new “Bro”.

Sorry, but I really must interject again. Brody Jenner is such a douche. Seriously. BROMANCE?? Does anybody besides me hear the word “ROMANCE” in there? Say it aloud… it might be difficult to hear the first time. Say it twice maybe. Hear it? I hear it.

The word “Bromance” was invented on reality tv shows where there were like… awkward relationships between guys. Like… the gay guy who crushed on the straight guy and the straight guy took his advances surprisingly well.  Or… the two straight guys who just seemed to touch an awful lot and enjoyed each other’s company entirely too much for it to be a typical “guy” relationship where they do the shoulder slaps as opposed to say… loooong embraces.

The logo for the show even has a damn HEART for the O. Come ON now. How far can we take this??

But apparently since Brody Jenner is richer than Jesus, he can recreate the word Bromance and make it something entirely new! Now it simply means hanging with your boys… your DAWGS! He even helpfully provided us with a pictorial as PROOF that it’s NOT A GAY THING (cause he knows that we all know damn good and well what that word started out implying), so we see that chubby Superbad kid and the awkward boy in Juno in a manly embrace. We see Hottie McStinksalot Matthew McConnaughey hanging with his “bra” Lance Armstrong. You know… it’s a GUY thing. Maybe I just don’t understand it because I don’t have testicles. But so I can better understand this guy phenomenon, Brody Jenner dumbs it down for me, and equates it to the Hollywood girls hauling around their little chihuahuas. Damn, that’s kind of cold. It must make Sleazy T feel… well… like a small dog…. wearing a hat…. and little tiny shoes….

It was as if Brody Jenner just said “Hey, I’m Paris Hilton and THESE are my chihuahuas”. Sadly, Frankie would still be okay with that. Frankie is LOYAL. Annnnd that’s not entirely unlike a lapdog.

BUT  WHO THE HELL IS SLEAZY T?? I watched Laguna Beach AND The Hills and I’ve never heard of him or seen so much as a glimpse of him.
Yeah, I just admitted to watching those shows. Shut it. I can’t be the ONLY one. Maybe the only one that’s a grown ass woman, but still.

Lesson #1  from Brody Jenner: Expect the unexpected!!
So Frankie and Sleazy T go to where the boys are sleeping… and they wake them up in the middle of the night and drag them out. OH MY GOD how crazy! How wacky!! I’ve never SEEN this happen on a show before (except every episode of Room Raiders) How will they EVER top this in the rest of the season? And how many lessons will Brody Jenner have? More importantly, will he need to remove his shoes to count them?

Duuuuuuuuuuuude!! I just noticed that EVERYBODY calls him Brody Jenner. Even Brody Jenner says Brody Jenner!! I’m not crazypants!!

One boy is clearly  confused. He was “expecting The Hills and ended up with Compton”, he explains with a nervous twitter. No really… he twittered. I clearly heard a twitter.

First assignment? Each guy has to pull TWO… not one but TWO chicks to come to a lingerie party tonight. Damn, they MUST be sweating it.

The winner, obviously, will be the one with the hottest chicks… as determined by Brody Jenner. Sorry, we can’t call in and vote on these skanks. American Idol will be here soon enough.

Brody Jenner takes them to the “Bro-Mansion”, which is a pretty shitty looking place. Finally we’re getting to “meet” the guys… learning their names at least.

Michael is horrified. “It looks like someone threw up Froot Loops on every wall. It’s like a giant flea market… gone retarded.”

Femi, in an attempt to mark his territory and claim his spot as head of the household promptly throws his gear on the top of the bunk bed. “That way”, he explains, “even when they’re sleeping, they have to look up to me”.  I don’t know, man… I’m thinking like… taking the biggest BED might be a better strategy, but what do I know? You go on with your bad self.

They hop into their rides, and start the challenge.

One guy ponders picking a girl with intelligence… one merely wants a pulse. That’s it… set those goals HIGH, Dude!

They have 10 invites and 3 hours to pull at least 2 girls.

Immediately, ALL of the guys start dropping Brody Jenner’s name as bait.  But not Chris P. I kind of admire that about him… he didn’t name drop once. He just said it was a lingerie party. And begged. But still… he did it on his own. You GO Chris P!

Ok, some of these guys are totally approaching old ladies. Like, older than I AM, old ladies.  So. Very. Wrong!!

Michael, who we have now confimed is gay (hey, I was TOTALLY going to wait until they told us) is trying his hardest to pick up hot chicks.  That… is not going over so well at first, but then he pulls through. “What girl DOESN”T love a gorgeous gay man?” He is sooo not gorgeous. Not even close. Not even “endearing in an awkward way”. Nothing.

The 5′4 Chris F aka Little Chris is trying to pick up girls that are shorter than him. SCORE! At Hooters no less. Classy!

Gary is so awkward. He’s the dorky one with the crazy hair and weird hats.  I like him. I don’t think he can win, but he’s fun to watch..

Quote of the night? Possibly “How do you spell lingerie?” Chris P provides the proper spelling, but Luke says he’ll just go with “lon gor ie”

Brody Jenner is too cool to have a typical confessional room. He’s a MAN and don’t you forget it! No, seriously… don’t forget it. Because I have forgotten it at least a dozen times and we’re not even halfway through this love fest.

Being the man that he is… he has a CANfessional… held in the john. Like MEN do! Now, go roar and thump your chest or something!

Brody puts Frankie and Sleazy T at the door. They’re instructed not to let the guys in until at least two of their girls show up.

Oooh two awesome movie reviews!  Underworld 2 and The Unborn!! Sorry, ADD kicked in. Distracted. (But I do wanna see both of those)

Woot! Gary the dork is the first in the door while the “hot” (I use the term loosely) guys are still standing outside waiting on their girls to show up. He’s pretty pleased with himself. As he said  excitedly, “The guys with the swagger are still standing outside!!”. Bless his heart… he’s so excited he definitely won’t sleep tonight.

Michael pulled twins! And they have big breasteses.  Brody Jenner is pleased.

Little Chris, pulled 2 Hooter chicks. Come on in, Little Chris! And how long will it be before you get offended that you’re being called “Little Chris” and you explode with all 5 feet 4 inches of yourself?

Awww!  Michael just gave Brody Jenner a BIRTHDAY card! That PROVES that he will make the best “bro” ever.  He also noted to the camera,  that Brody Jenner has small eyes. Now I keep staring at his eyes and I’m probably missing important stuff.

ACK… awkward moment.  Brody opens his card while Frankie stands by. The card reads, “It’s time to get Bromantic! Your new BFF, Mike…. Frankie Delgado,move over.”  (and I am mentally picturing Michael snapping a fierce Z)  Brody chuckles and asks if Frankie’s feeling threatened. Frankie mans up and denies it at first, but  then quickly admits that yes… he is a little bit jealous.  Aww man. I just want to hug him! I don’t care how much of a bitch he is, I refuse to rag on Frankie. Can’t do it.

3 mins to deadline and there are 4 very cocky guys standing outside. Femi included. Femi. What kind of mother is that CRUEL as to name their son that? Oh wait…I guess Adolph Hitler and Aryan Nation’s folks probably still win out.

Frankie,still unable to shake off the birthday card from Michael, confronts him saying that he saw the card and lets it be known that he was NOT amused. Michael shrinks back and says it was just a joke. Frankie says, “There was no Hah Hah Hah or Laughing Out Loud in it!”.  Frankie knows his internet manners.

Chris P & Femi failed. Brody Jenner is cool as ice though. So Brody Jenner lets them into the party, but when it’s over…. they have to stay behind and clean up the mess. Sucks to be you.

Poor gay Michael looks MISERABLE amongst all the shimmying and shaking and boobs and garters and such. He’s clearly out of his element.

Wow… Brody Jenner DOES have small eyes. I finally noticed. Peace at last.

Now the guys have to give toasts.  Be still my heart, I cannot wait.

“Naked Luke” goes first (oh, he’s called Naked Luke because when he was grabbed from his bed at 5 a.m., he was…. well, naked. He snatched up a washcloth from a maid’s cart in the hallway to attempt to hide the sausage. A washcloth? Have some pride and at least grab a big towel. It’s ok to exaggerate under these circumstances.). He toasts the most important people in the room….. the barstaff. Hah hah hah LOL (for Frankie’s benefit)

Note: I never caught them indicating what Luke *does*, exactly, so I looked it up. He’s an elementary substitute teacher with a wicked fierce Bahstahn accent.

Jacob (Ladies Shoe Salesman) is weird. And very sloppy drunk. And during his toast, he drops the F bomb more than I do while trying to decorate a Christmas tree. That is a LOT of F bombs, folks.

Gary  (Dance Instructor), though dorky and awkward, pulled out a decent toast and got Brody Jenner’s nod of approval.

Dear God… Alex (Student) proposes a “Broast”, but he really busts out with a poem, or maybe we should call it a Bro-em. Says he may be “Bromosexual”.  How many words are we going to add “Bro” to? Because I’m getting Bro-nnoyed already.

Femi (Black guy/Nursing Student)  decides that HE needs to introduce Brody Jenner to his FIRST girlfriend….

HIP HOP BREAK DANCING! WOOOOO!
(you weren’t expecting that were you? I know I wasn’t. I had a total “what the fuck” moment, aloud. With my 14 year old. She was in agreeance, but isn’t allowed to SAY that so she said “what the eff”. Haha! Ok sorry, back to the show).

Chris F (Videographer) (aka Little Chris) says he doesn’t care if Brody Jenner is on television or on wikipedia, but he met him today, and he brought a HOT girl! (Umm… what about the OTHER girl he brought? Hot or Not? When the party was over, was there a catfight in the parking lot to determine which one he REALLY meant?

Jered (Lifeguard) admits he can’t breakdance… he can’t write poems…and that everybody has a downfall… his is being a moron. Only he phrased it “public speaking”. Seriously… the guy probably doesn’t even have ONE entire brain cell. I don’t know what he did. Maybe he took a ball to the head too many times. He does look very jockish. But man… he’s just SLOW. Like… red helmet, juicebox, window licking slow.

Michael (gay/medical insurance sales) says he should be the new best friend because “Behind every gorgeous woman is her gay best friend”. Yes… and you still look MISERABLE there.

Chris P does a nice white boy rap… he’s from Kentucky. At the end, he says he’s here for BROMANCE! And pulls off his sweater. Underneath is a cheesy Hanes or Fruit of the Loom white Tee with Sharpie markered “BROMANCE” in a heart… but he did win me over a little bit more when he turned around. On the BACK he’d written… “Because Spencer Pratt was a douche bag”

He pulled no chicks… but Brody Jenner enjoyed the shirt. And I am starting to pull for “no chicks Chris”.

Hottest girl winner…..
LUKE!

I don’t really think his were the hottest, but they *were* the blondest. So maybe platinum blonde wins out over big boobs. Who knew?

Luke and his girls get a little surprise! They drive off in a stretch hummer with Brody Jenner. More manly fun! And they get the girls to KISS! Luke’s life is possibly forever changed.

Brody Jenner is totally wearing eyeline….errrr guyliner. Or Broliner, maybe.

Gary’s  SO enthusiastic talking outside with Michael while Michael tensely takes a smoke break. Seriously,  Michael continues to grow more and more uneasy with the situation.  I THINK Michael actually KNEW what “Bromance” meant and came prepared. He was not expecting so many…. boobs flying around. He just looks in PAIN.

The men are sitting  around the table… being men. Talking about girls. First loves. Being cheated on.Condoms. And Michael…. grows more uneasy.

PREDICTION:  Michael is going to wuss out and take his ass HOME

Whoa I am like Miss Cleo! As soon as I typed that and resumed play, Michael asks if he can pull Brody Jenner to the side for a couple of minutes.

Now BRODY JENNER is the one looking decidely uneasy. Hah Hah Hah LOL, Frankie!

The guys speculate that Michael is just wanting some “alone time”.  *wink wink nod*

Yep! Sure as shit… Michael says he doesn’t feel like he fits in the house at all (No WAY!). They sit around and talk about girls and sex all the time (Get OUT!). He LOVED The Hills and he thought that that’s what the show was like. He even advised Brody Jenner to get back with LC (Lauren Conrad). Brody realizes that Michael really just wanted to be part of a show (uhhh isn’t that why they are ALL there?) and he lets him go. He even says that he’ll give him a ride to the airport. That’s mighty white of him.

Brody Jenner generously lets them come over to HIS pad (as opposed to the shithole that he’s got them staying in).   Very nice place, obviously.
He lets the guys know that whoever wins will NOT ONLY be his new BRO… but they ALSO get to keep that pad, complete with furniture from West Elm. Wait, did Brody Jenner just sneak in a commercial? He DID! That sneaky bastard.

Even though Michael split…. Brody Jenner must go upstairs to the jacuzzi to make this taxing decision about who’s going home.  The guys who didn’t bring any girls to the party are sweating it hardcore.

Brody Jenner announces that he’s doing elimination…. IN the jacuzzi. Then adds, “Let’s see Survivor try this one”.
Ok, he isn’t totally insane…. even HE laughed at how lame that sounded. I’m glad he knows he’s saying really corny shit ALL the time when it’s just him talking to the camera. It’s SO bad.

He’s got the guys sitting side by side…. knees touching… feeling awkward as hell.
As Little Chris puts it, “The awkward level went from a 5 to a 28″. Is it just me, or is it annoying that he didn’t round up that 28 to a 30? OCD, anybody? Raise your hands? Thank you.

Ok, gonna let some of them off the hook….
Gary, Luke, Alex, Jered, Little Chris (F) are dismissed from the ginormous jacuzzi. Leaving Chris P (guy with awesome shirt), Femi (brought no chicks, had no toast, merely did a breakdance routine) and Jacob (sloppy cursing toast).
One by one, Brody Jenner tells them what he thinks.
Femi acts confident, but has yet to back it up.
Jacob’s toast the night before… very sloppy, dropped the f bomb way too much. Wonders if he got too drunk… if he knows how to handle himself around the girls. Asks him who should go home.  Jacob promptly throws Chris under the bus.
Chris P is a fraternity president… but Brody Jenny questions, “Where is your leadership?”.

Femi talks a big game, but he’s funny. Brody Jenner will allow you to stay.

Uh oh… Jacob got busted trying to pick up girls off the street right outside the club when the 9 pm deadline was drawing closer,  and that rubs Brody Jenner the wrong way. Cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Man, Jacob is deep. When asked to explain why HE should stay in the house, he replied,   “Real knows real. Real knows real.” Echo echo echo…..

Brody Jenner doesn’t pussyfoot around… he tells it like it is.  Jacob… your time is up. Time to go home. Take your fucking FEDORA and GO (ok, that last part was just me)

Jacob is beligerent upon leaving. ” Brody Jenner’s excuse is that I cuss too much?? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! I’m not staying here to kiss his ass and *beep* *beep* *beeep**beeep* you know?”
Uhhh no I don’t know… even I can’t decipher THAT many bleeps in a row.

Now Brody Jenner invites all the boys to jump back in.   Yummy, man stew.

Ok, I made myself gag… and I am straight. I LOVE guys. But this is one motley crew if I’ve ever seen one.

In closing, I confess… though this was NOT the show I thought I was getting… they did indeed win me over and I am sucked in and on board for the season.  Bring it on!

My first episode prediction…. Chris P will make it far, if not take the whole thing. That’s who I’m seeing right now anyway. I reserve the right to change my mind every hour. I AM female.

[Ed. note: Welcome Lydia! She will be recapping a few shows for Pophangover over the coming months and we're happy to have her on board!]

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. BROMANCE Episode #102 Recap (1/5/09)
2. Project Runway Episode Recap: Season 5 Premiere
3. Survivor Gabon Premiere Episode Recap: LIVE BLOGGING
4. Big Brother 10 Premiere – Episode Recap
5. America’s Next Top Model 11: Premiere Episode Recap