Welcome back to the wild and crazy world of Brody Jenner! Which… so far, anyway, has shown to be neither wild nor crazy. The remaining 7 potential new “Bros” return to the Bro-House (I might as well hop on the Bro-Train because it’s clear that they are going to add the damn word “bro” to EVERYTHING).

Femi announces that he’s in it for the win. He’s a lion! He’s a tiger! He’s a predator! He’s…. he’s just strange, actually. And then, I think I heard what is probably THE most horribly WRONG statement EVER issued on reality television. “I don’t see the other guys at all. I don’t see ‘em. I’m Sammy Davis Jr. just playing the piano. I don’t see ‘em” (and while saying this, he is pantomiming what appears to be a blind man playing the piano.

Errr…. Sammy Davis Jr. was neither blind, NOR did he play the piano. I *think*, Femi, that you may be referring to an obscure artist that pretty much nobody has ever heard of… STEVIE WONDER. Freaking idiot!

Brody Jenner gets an important phone call and upon hanging up, tells the guys to get their tennis shoes… they’re going somewhere. WOOOO! Getting out of the house!!

Brody Jenner explains to us yet again that to hang with him, you’ve gotta be ready for anything, anytime. So he’s got 3 “Bro-Athalon” events planned for the guys. Just to see how they handle it. Who has fun with it, etc.

Femi says it doesn’t matter what they’re doing. He’s a tiger.
Again with the animals? Stop. Now.
Little Chris interrupts with a classic.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Boo”
“Boo who?”
“Quit crying!!”

Really, Little Chris? Did you really just tell that knock knock joke? I don’t think I’ve heard anybody over the age of FIVE tell that knock knock joke. Sad sad sad.

Little Chris mocks Femi’s constant animal references by saying he doesn’t want to be in the cage with Femi, because Femi will be the Tiger and then he’ll say Little Chris is the Zebra. Femi says they’re just hating. Jealous.

Yeah, Femi… between your Sammy Davis Jr. comment and Little Chris’s knock knock joke, I’m seriously torn as to which of you is the more pathetic.

When they arrive, they see Brody Jenner kicked back in a recliner with hockey sticks on the sides. Brody Jenner announces that today will be a BITCH.

Event #1: The Lazy Bro Slalom
The idea is… they sit in the recliners, ride them down this hill, and along the way there are little tables with things on them that they have to pick up. Like remote controls, a drink, and a pizza. Best time wins!

Cut to footage of each of these tool bags riding down the hill trying to grab this stuff.

Femi is a LION! With a voracious roar!! Annnnd then we see a clip of him shrieking like a Japanese schoolgirl as they throw a bucket of water on him.
After watching unidentifiable Bros attempting the course… it is over.
Final times:
Chris P – 54 seconds
Alex – 53 seconds
Chris F (Little Chris) – 53 seconds
Femi – 44 seconds (ooh he’s a GAZELLE!)
Gary – 35 seconds
Jered – 32 seconds
Luke – 30 seconds

Congrats to Luke! That means he’s won both competitions so far. You are showing some serious Bro-tential! (Get it? Get it? I made a funny!)

Brody Jenner asks Gary what kind of dance he does. (Remember, geeky Gary is a dance instructor). Gary does all kinds. So Brody Jenner wants to be amused… he demands a “dance off” between Gary and Femi. Femi says Gary can’t beat him on his WORST day. They remind him of his lack of success in the “picking up women” challenge and he accuses the guys of being like girls… just gossiping. Brody Jenner is not pleased with this. He’s testing them to see who can chill out and roll with the punches and he doesn’t like the fighting.

Back in the van (WTF happened to the dance off?? I wanted to see that shit!), Femi asks the guys if they are afraid of him and then jumped Little Chris for trash talking him in front of Brody Jenner. Femi is hypersensitive. Even more than I am, and that’s a LOT!

Seriously… these guys bicker over the most asinine things.

Round 2:
They have blow up dolls and undergarments and have to team up, and assemble a raft from those items, and then race across the pool. Brody Jenner asks if there’s anybody who can’t swim. Surprise! Femi can’t. So he gives him a life jacket, and then tosses him a pink shower cap since he’s always worried about his hair.
Luke won, so he gets first pick. He chooses Jared.
Gary picks Chris P.
Femi picks Alex
That leaves Little Chris (F), so Brody Jenner joins the fun and is his teammate.

Alex and Femi start strong, but Luke and Jered are quick to catch up. Luke says there is NO way he’s losing to a guy in a pink shower cap who cannot swim. And, being true to his word, Luke and Jered pull ahead and win round 2.

Onto the next event….
Round 3: Bro MX. That one took me a second. Then I got it. BMX = Bro MX silly me, I should have known.
They see mounds of dirt and bmx bikes. Brody Jenner tells them that the contest is to ride the bike down the steep hill, launch themselves over 5 barrels, and see who goes the farthest. Then he says, “These are YOUR bikes” and reveals tiny little girls bikes. Pink. With tassels even. 6’3” Jered is very skeptical about how this is going to work out for him.
Chris P goes first – 8’1”
Jered – 4’6” (but he didn’t get himself killed!)
Luke – 8’1” (Luke is proving to be a formidable opponent.
Little Chris – WIPEOUT! 1’3”
But that’s okay, he assures us. Because you know what ELSE is 1’3”? I’ll let you figure the rest out. But I’m calling bullshit, “Little” Chris.
Gary – 7’9”
Alex – 13’3” (Holy Cow is that even possible??)

We saved the best for last… Femi’s up. He says he is going to be a bald eagle and fly over his prey

Femi – 2’7”

Brody Jenner, “All talk AGAIN, Man…”. Then he goes on to remind the guy s that it really isn’t about the results as much as it is revealing their attitudes to him, so he can get to know the REAL them.

Back at the Bro-House, all the guys are around the pool table cracking jokes about Femi’s constant referring to himself as various animals. They jokingly pick up a dolphin and say “This is Femi. He’s the dolphin.” Femi is walking down the stairs and overhears this, soooo of course he flips out. Again.

Can I call a time out?
Thank you.

Seriously, this is the lamest shit. I mean they have more drama than the girls bathroom in 10th grade. It’s not even funny. Or logical. Or typical. It’s just absolutely ridiculous. They fight over everything. Femi is just LOOKING for a reason to puff up and act all badass. I’m sick of watching him. I want him to disappear.

Back to the show. Femi calls Luke a bitch.
A bitch?
Now, with all the animal references… is he saying that Luke is a female dog in heat? Or does he mean “bitch” the way most of us mean it? With Femi, you never know.

Brody Jenner calls the guys and tells them to meet him at the 717 Olympic for some chill time. (I think Brody Jenner just slipped in another commercial. He has so much product placement it’s not even funny)

Outside, Luke gazes up at the sky and says, “Do you ever look at the moon and think…. Brody Jenner is looking at that same moon?” For a second, I was taken aback. But then I realized he was joking. Dude… you just cannot TELL with these guys. It’s all so very WEIRD.

Brody Jenner’s got them set up for some 1 on 1 time… bachelor style. He’s got candles… a fire… it’s very Bromantic. Yeah, Brody Jenner said Bromantic. That wasn’t me.

Luke comes in and says that it looks like a romance novel you see at the supermarket checkout. Then after being asked how things are at the house, he says that he feels like a lion trying to catch a zebra. I laughed, knowing it was just another jab at Femi. But Brody Jenner was not amused.

“This is serious. I’m trying to get to know these guys. This is not open mic night!”

Wow… ease up there, Tiger. Remember what kind of show you’re on, please. Don’t take it seriously or I might very well lose what’s left of my mind after watching this.
Brody Jenner wonders if Luke will EVER get beyond “just jokes”.

Little Chris gets his 1 on 1 and they determine that they are both the youngest brothers in their families. Wow! That must create such an instant bond. That’s sooooo… tight.

Gary’s up. Brody asks about life back home. Gary says he doesn’t really hang with guys much. He was the one hanging with girls. Brody points out that that is usually the gay guy. Gary says that he was ALWAYS accused of being gay. Not only because of his friends, but because he’s a dancer. But that he knew who he was early on in life and he chose what he wanted.

Femi comes in, talking about how rough his life was. Fighting and stuff. Going to court. Brody told him that he’d heard about some problems between him and Luke at the house and advises him to chill out a little bit.

Back at the Bro-House, Gary decides to tell Femi what happened during the 1 on 1.
Poor Gary… he was just trying to be honest. He told Femi that Brody asked him who he felt might not be showing their true selves, and Gary said that he named Femi. Because he isn’t sure how real he is. But he just wanted Femi to be aware that it happened.

Are we surprised that Femi flips… AGAIN? He says that Gary is “fake and femalish”. Gary goes outside and is crying. He was only trying to be honest. He gets no sympathy from Femi. Femi says he made himself cry because he was being a punk and talking trash about him to Brody Jenner.

Back at the 717 Chris P shows up for his Brody Jenner time.
Now… I don’t know WHAT is going on with Chris P, but the guy is just totally falling apart. Everything he says is so awkward and stilted and just… uncomfortable.
Brody asked why he came out here. While Chris is stumbling over his words, he mentions that he saw Brody on The Hills. Brody asked why he was watching The Hills, and Chris replied “Because LC is HOT”.

Now I kind of fault Brody Jenner about the downward spiral that happens next. I mean, Chris was clearly just joking around. Brody’s all “So you’re out here to get with LC?” That just totally threw Chris off. He stuttered and stammered and finally got out that LC was hot, and yeah if they were out and she came up to him, he’d talk to her. But at the end of the night, it’s Bros before Hos. To which Brody Jenner replied, “LC is NOT a Ho.” Poor Chris P… he just cannot WIN tonight. Everything he says is messed up.

During Alex‘s 1 on 1, Alex and Brody Jenner found out that they have a lot in common, family wise. If you take out the fact that Brody Jenner’s family are all zillionaires, they’re practically identical.

Jered talks about his move to Orlando. Brody casually asked if his family visits much and for some unknown reason, this brings Jered to tears. He sobs as he talks about how no, they haven’t come down, and how important family is.
Brody Jenner is touched by the display of tears, and he reveals that he has some major family issues, one of which is the fact that he was raised by a step father, and then when he was like 16 years old, his mom and step dad divorced, and his step dad had to just go completely out of the picture. Brody Jenner lost the only father figure he had. He was never close to his own father. So I’d say they bonded.

Back at the house, we see a dejected Chris P sitting outside beating himself up over the 1 on 1. Luke tries to talk to him. Chris is just miserable. He says he doesn’t understand why he can’t relax. Why he can’t just be himself. Why everything he says comes out wrong. He’s damn close to tears.

Then Chris P’s phone rings. It’s Brody! He feels like he really didn’t get to know Chris P very well on the 1 on 1, so he wants to take him out again tonight. And Chris P can pick one guy from the house to go with. Chris picks Femi, because the way he sees it, they’re probably at the bottom, so Femi could use the extra time as much as he could.

Brody Jenner takes them to a cool (literally) Vodka Bar. They put on big ass coats and Russian hats and enter the freezer. The bartender is trying to explain the various kinds of vodka. Chris P has morphed into an idiot and is just being totally obnoxious. It’s clear to Brody that he’s trying WAY too hard. He says he wants to try “one of everything”. This is where Brody Jenner draws the line. He doesn’t want Chris P to DIE and he doesn’t want to have to carry Chris out of the bar. He just wants Chris to (say it with me) “Relax and BE YOURSELF!” Chris just can’t do it and continues to act a fool. Brody Jenner sees that it isn’t going according to plan, so he takes him OUTSIDE in one more attempt to get to know him. Again, Chris P fails miserably. I don’t know what the kid’s mental block is, but he just can NOT chill out and enjoy the cool things that are going on around him.

The next morning, Chris P slinks to the table, clearly hungover and feeling a lot of pain. Brody Jenner calls to check on him and tells the guys that they are going to get some sun… to grab their board shorts and meet him at the burger joint down the road.

FREE FOOD!

The whole time they’re eating lunch, Chris P is hunched between 2 cars throwing his guts up. Brody’s asking the guys about any drama in the house. Gary brings up what happened between him and Femi. Brody Jenner smoothes things over and reminds Femi that HE was the one that asked Gary that question. And had he not asked him, he doubts Gary would have ever said a word about it. Plus the fact that it took major balls to come up to Femi afterwards and tell him what happened. Femi agrees and they make peace and agree to let it go.

Femi is a dove.

In the van on the way to the marina, Chris P is puking his toenails up in a very tiny bag. A very tiny bag that begins to leak. The guys are just GAGGING as they try to shove him out the van to throw up somewhere else.

At the marina, they get on this monster yacht. They’re going on a sunset cruise. (Bromance is in the air!) There are 2 random girls on the boat. The guys ask what the deal is with them… Brody Jenner is SO cool, he merely replies, “It’s just nice to have girls around….”
You WISH you were that cool.
Brody says he has a great story about how he got that boat. Ok, lay it on me. I am on the edge of my seat. Really. I want to get SOMETHING out of this snooze fest.

Ready?

Wait for it.

Brody Jenner won it in a poker game.

The end.

Well THAT was anticlimactic. *sigh*

Thank GOODNESS, the next thing Brody Jenner says is that it’s time for another elimination and that one of the guys would be on a VERY different cruise tonight.

Jered – Brody appreciated how he opened up. He’s all good. He can go chill with the girls.
Luke – He’s the challenge champion! Definitely going to stay. All good. (I’m guessing “all good” will be his phrase he uses for “you get to stay”)
Alex – All good. Yep, that’s all you get. He’s got no other words for you.
Gary – He’s smart. He’s real. He’s (say it!!!!) ALL GOOD!
Little Chris, Chris P (P is now for PUKE) and Femi are left.

Brody points out that Femi is ALWAYS in the middle of conflict and that he needs to chill out on the fighting and arguing. He tells Chris P that he STILL doesn’t feel like he knows who he is and that he’s not being himself. He asks Femi why he’s there. Femi replies with some fake-ass near tears about how he’s just soooo tired of being doubted all the time. Whatever. You’re annoying, Femi. And there is not a chance in HELL that you will win this.

Brody Jenner asks Femi who he would send home. Of course Femi throws Little Chris under the bus. Little Chris says that he’s there, having a great time, and he hasn’t stopped smiling. He says that he thinks that Femi is the one that isn’t real. Femi interrupts and explodes again (I think he needs to be medicated), Brody makes Femi shut up so Little Chris can finish. Uhhh I think Little Chris WAS finished. So Brody Jenner declares Little Chris “all good” and he joins the rest of the guys.

Brody Jenner is torn. Femi seems to be the source of all the conflict (no shit?) but then Chris P just doesn’t seem to be able to be himself. He asks Chris P who HE thinks should stay. Chris says Femi should… because he’s able to be himself, and for whatever reason, he’s just not been able to.

Brody Jenner agrees and says that there’s just nothing clicking with Chris P, so it’s time for him to go home.
To further add to his humiliation, he pulls out an inflatable raft (thankfully it was already inflated), puts a little captain hat on his head, hands him an oar (singular) and says “Kentucky is that way”. Classy move there, Brody Jenner.

Next week’s sneak peek (Ooh I feel like Dr Seuss)… LC comes to the house to talk to the boys and try to figure out who’d be best for Brody Jenner. Oh yeah… that’s gonna go smoothly. I can feel it already.

- Lydia

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2. The Bachelor (Jason): Episode 5 Recap
3. America’s Next Top Model 11: Episode 9 Recap (Amsterdam Red Light District)
4. The Bachelor (Jason): Episode 6 Recap
5. The Bachelor (Jason): Episode 4 Recap