Hey guys and girls, I’m so sorry about the absence of a recap for last week. I’ve been hellaciously sick and despite the amount of drugs coursing through my veins, I can’t get over it, so this recap is coming straight to you from… you guessed it… my bed. Yep, I’m in bed, clad in some men’s flannel pj bottoms and a white boy beater. My hair’s in a messy topknot on my head. I’m sure I look about as sexy as road kill, BUT… because of my perfume obsession, I smell like I shit rainbows.

They always give us a little flashback of what we once had. Already I miss Nikki and Gia. And even ummm… that Goddess lady. Constandina, or some odd spelling. Anyway, bygones.

Bret sends a note to his “Tenacious Twelve”.

Interjection:
1.) I CHALLENGE you, Mr. Bret Michaels, to tell me what the definition of “tenacious” is RIGHT NOW without looking at a computer. Or Big John.
2.) Wouldn’t that have been more effective if he’d saved it for his “Tenacious TEN”?
I digress.

They arrive at an ice rink and the “tenacious twelve” quickly become “twelve twats a tumbling” because none of them can stand up on the ice. Oh wait. One of them can. Are you ready for this? Brittaney? You know, the one that Bret recognized from his porn stash, only she doesn’t DO that anymore? Well, she started skating at like… age two. She was serious with it. Competed on many levels. Won many awards. It honestly sounds like the girl was Olympic bound, at one point. “But then, “ she explains at one point, “I gave that up for my career in the adult industry and I don’t regret that mistake At all.” Your mom must be SO proud.

You know in cartoons when a character shakes their head back and forth really fast in disbelief and it makes that ‘Yabbleyabbleyabble” noise? Well I’d be doing that right now, except if I did, I’m pretty sure I’d throw up again.

Bret explains that they’re going to be playing a version of ice hockey with “Baby Bret”. That’s right…. That heinous doll from hell is back again. And as if they are attached by some magnetic force, Lacey is right there with them. Seriously, I’m already wishing Natasha (isn’t she the black/possibly tranny one?) gives her a hockey stick upside the head). I don’t like Lacey.

The girls pick teams. Beverly gets picked last. Wait. What? Isn’t Beverly the tomboy? I smell a rat. And it can’t be Nikki, because she was gone 2 episodes ago. Each team takes turns trying to shoot Baby Bret into the goals, most points wins a group date (I typoed that as “grope”… I should have left it alone), you know the drill.

It gets brutal folks. I mean… at one point, Brittanya’s belly button piercing starts to BLEED. Ambulance anybody?! Thank God her dimple piercings are intact. Natasha takes one hell of a hit to the head. I’m not even being sarcastic… I think it jacked her up. In what I found a HILARIOUS choice of words, Bret says she “took it like a man”. Foreshadowing, much?

Then Melissa (if you need a reminder, she’s the one who in BOTH the last episodes told Bret he should probably send her home because this was so very hard on her) somehow manages to land CHEST FIRST on the ice and thinks she may have popped an implant. She thins she’s got a slow leak (and I don’t know if it’s medication at this point or not, but I’m dying laughing because I TOO think she has a slow leak, only I mean in the brain and not the boob). When the paramedic asked her what material her implants were made of, she gave that deer in the headlights look and began to recite, “”I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so, because, is that some people out there, in our nation, don’t have maps, and I believe that our education, such as South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here, in the US should help the US, or um should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.” Ashley remarks in that monotone deadpan voice of hers that she must have gotten her tits in Tijuana, because $300 boobs will pop. She’s growing on me. I don’t think she’ll win, but I love her dry droll tone of voice, not unlike Daria, Janine Garafalo, or Juliette Lewis.

Back on the bus, we learn a plethora of disturbing things about Brittaney. No, even more disturbing than we already knew. I’m not sure which one freaked me out the most, so I’ll let you make the call.
1.) The girls noticed a foul odor. They found a supply of empty ketchup packets in Brittaney’s bed, where she’d sucked the ketchup right out of them. Now I’m sorry, but that’s just vile, I don’t care if you WERE a porn star and are used to all kinds of things in your mouth. Draw a line somewhere. Then they found out that she had a huuuge long white tube sock crammed full of their old dirty stinky black socks they’d worn while they were playing ice hockey. They asked her about it, and instead of looking appalled that she’d gotten caught, she simply said that she’d ASKED if she could have them and they said she could. No shame in HER game whatsoever! That’s so creepy. Why does she want their skanky socks?!?

Since Beverly was only playing like she couldn’t skate, she kicked the other girls’ asses, so obviously it was the pink team won the group/grope date. Remember, folks, this is the ROCKER’S LIFE! So we’re going to BIG AL’S Strip Bar! Woooo!

Beverly is… unamused.
Maria, who used to be a former model and will tell you this every 2.5 minutes got into some minor pole action.
Bethanney, who used to be in porn but NOW just wants to be a wife and mother was slithering all over that stage like a White Snake video gone wrong.
Bret’s trying to have a good time, but Beverly’s lack of enthusiasm is just killing his buzz. She says she’s a mom to three kids and she has to watch what gets back to them. Bret replies “But they’re not here NOW”. Uhhh Bret… this IS being filmed, you know? So I do kinda see Beverly’s point, but at the same time, she could have found a middle ground between picking up a dollar bill with her cha cha and standing on the stage, arms folded, glaring at the audience.

Back on the bus, sock-gate is heating up. Apparently since Bethanney ASKED if she could have them, it was FINE. No big deal. Then later, after the girls bitch about how long this date is taking (I know, Girls… it felt like forever for me too), they overhear Melissa on her cell phone. (Melissa aka popped implant girl). APPARENTLY they aren’t even supposed to HAVE their cells with them, but there she is, laying on her bed, talking at the top of her lungs at what appears to be a boy/girlfriend about how she doesn’t want to be there, the whole thing is messed up, Bret’s all OLD looking, and his hair is fake. *snicker*

The girls run to tattle, of course, and you know Bret ain’t taking SHIT about his hair. So at eliminations. He told Melissa that he had her pegged from Day 1 as one of those girls with a boyfriend back home that just wanted some television time, but that insulting him in his hous… er tour bus was just too much. So GET THE FUCK OUT!

She got all dramatic and made it sound like it was her idea to leave. Uhhh no. It was his. I’m sure. All the other girls get their passes except for a teary eyed Brittaney and Beverly. He tells Brittaney that he thinks she’s beautiful, but her tour ends here.

In her “parting words”, I swear you’d think they just ended a 10 year relationship instead of a 2 week boinkfest on a tour bus. She should have stuck with the ice skating…..

- Lydia

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. Rock Of Love 3 – Rock Of Love Bus: Episode 1 Recap
2. Rock Of Love Bus: Episode 4 Recap (1/25/09)
3. Rock Of Love Bus: Episode 5 Recap (2/9/09)
4. Rock Of Love Bus Preview
5. The Bachelor (Jason): Episode 2 Recap