Rock Of Love Bus: Episode 5 Recap (2/9/09)
Published on: February 10, 2009 – 11:14 am by POPHANGOVER 
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Kicking off this week’s ep with the girl’s hanging around in their bras discussing how quiet it was with Marcia out of the houses. The gals get a note saying they’re off to the Lou. Farrah isn’t really sure where Missouri is on the map. Please don’t make me do my impression of that Teen America contestant again, because I will. And it’s because of people like Farrah that they asked that dumbass question to begin with. Ashley also has no idea where it is. 
Farrah and Natasha have become the Bobbsey Twins. Whatever one of them says, the other agrees with wholeheartedly. They only hang out with each other… none of the other girls. My guy swears Farrah’s a lesbian and I’ll admit, he’s got some rockin’ gaydar. But still… Bi at most, I’d say. Ashley is “just sick of looking at her face”. She’s sure she’s a man and now she’s on a mission to prove it.
Cut to Bret playing soulfully alone, on his bus. Poor baby. All alone. “By this time, in seasons 1 and 2, I was feeling something hot and heavy with at least one or two of the girls, but this season… I don’t know. I need to get something going, and I need to get it going fast.”
Is that a subtle way of saying “OH me so horny!” Because I don’t care how “poetic” the words are, that’s all I’m hearing. He’ll love me long time. Once he gets that damn guy liner off. *gack*
They pull up to the Larry Flint Hustler Club.
Time out.
Is anybody else as tired of hearing “Shut the French up” as I am? Please tell me it isn’t just me. I want to stab her in the larynx so she can’t speak 
anymore. Then she CAN shut the French up. Permanently.
The girls think they’re gonna strip, but instead, Bret brings out 3 “ugly” girls. Ok folks, I wasn’t born yesterday. I have no doubt that these are some of Flint’s strippers, so making them “mega hot rock goddesses” is really not going to take that much work. Friggin’ morons.
The winning team wins a date with Bret at the Hustler Club that night. Team one: Brittanya, Natasha, Ashley. Team Two: Beverly, Mindy, Kelsey. Team Three: Farrah and Taya Each team has to chose a captain, because they’ll be getting some extra time.
Team 1 gets Jamie. Team 2 gets Jenny. Team 3 gets Kami. They have an hour to make a miracle happen.
They bring out team one first. It’s clear that she was NEVER an unattractive girl. Team 2 calls out Jenny who looked to be about 300 lbs before and is now about a buck twenty. Girl 3 comes out and hits that pole so fast you really can’t see her, but since it’s clear this was just a hoax…
Bret takes all 3 team captains on a date AND decides to bring the 3 new girls on the tour with them. Stupidly, the girls clap.. Uhhhh Hey, Blondilocks… that just means more competition for YOU. You don’t clap. You throw a hissy fit. What are you, Yankee? Come to the South, we’ll show you how to throw a proper one.
Bret’s PISSED that the girls clapped and he storms out, his long locks blowing in the wind.
Ashley has Big John bring her to the bus where she spills her guts about how devastated she is. Gosh I love her, she’s my favorite. I love her because she is SO Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers. Too funny. But that droll slow speech she’d had before suddenly turned into hyper speed as she explained by she was so man about the new girls and not getting to spend time with Bret.
She’s *furious* that Natasha got the date and comes out and tells him that she thinks she’s a Dude. I laughed SO hard. Bret’s face indicates that he has also wondered this. She wears tutus all the time to hide her bulge. Ashley asked “Have you ever seen her in jeans?”… the girl makes a good 
point. I did see her in a pair of camo cut off capris, but they were so baggy she could have had 3 penises in there and we’d not have noticed. Bret says his line about how he has a connection with Natasha of course, but it’s NOTHING like the one he has with Ashley. Ashley is something special! So after tonight’s date, he’s gonna bring her back to his van tonight for some one on one time. Which is Bret-speak for “Let’s Bonk!”.
Ew she has a Hello Kitty tattoo. I really hate Hello Kitty.
The 3 new girls pile on the buses and are eager to go. They are totally shut out by everybody on the bus.
The girls get off the boats (the captain/winners) and they’re gonna go river boating! (be still my heart) That looks like THE most boring date EVER. Seriously. I don’t drink, but I feel like I need booze to get through this.
Bret pulls Mindy aside (FEED HER PLEASE) and basically tells her that’s she’s gonna have to “bring it” if she wants to stay. They kiss. She’s happy. Nobody fed her. *sigh* She’s gonna starve and nobody will ever notice. Clearly, I am the only one who cares.
The new girls decide to go to where the “old girls” are hanging out, and introduced themselves like proper ladies. In response, Brittanya threatened to beat her face. That was sweet. That’ll teach you to have good manners! Even Ashley was stunned by Brittanya’s outburst. Back in her droll voice she’s all “Brittanya doesn’t even talk that much, so I wasn’t expecting all that….”. (Ashley HAS to win)
It’s dark and now he leads Natasha off for some alone time. Bret says she “intrigues” him. Haha! Natasha points out that he’s not as affectionate with her as he is with the other girls and he can’t stop thinking about what Ashley said about her being a dude. He started to ask. He said he had one big question. Just as he started to ask, she squealed because a bug landed on her. That was sort of girly. He still has no idea.
Bret and the winners get back and Bret immediately goes to the new girls to get to know them. Beverly lines shit out and wants to know why they’re staying here and what his issue is. He put it all out there and said that he was totally disappointed in their reaction and that this is just how it’s gonna be.
Big John comes to fetch Ashley. He plays guitar for her (and I admit… that does it for me too) and then you see them going into his bedroom and shutting the door. The girls back on the other bus are LIVID.
Jamie, Jennifer, and Kami are the new girls… Bret’s taking them out for their first date. There are still some of the old girls who haven’t had dates yet, so they are PISSED. Oh well. 
He takes them bowling. They discuss how you can tell instantly if you’re attracted to somebody. Honestly, he’s still playing the “I can’t believe these are the same frumpy girls from before”. Oh please. Anyway, he’s SO glad he kept them. That bowling date was the most fun he’d had in a long time. I can understand that. I like bowling and I SUCK at it. They decide to leave, go back to the limo, and make out. Yum. 3 way spit. *gag*
Bret’s getting ready for elimination, so he’s “working out” (whatev). Brittanya comes in wearing a “dress”. I use quotes because I’m not sure that it qualifies. I mean they have black boxes covering every side of her body and every area. Basically everything must be exposed. She’s more than half naked. Bret basically BEGS her to tell him ANYTHING so he’ll know if they have a bond. Crickets chirp. He begs for a chance. Crickets chirp. I didn’t think she was EVER going to speak. Finally she says she almost went home yesterday because her life is important to her and she took that time out of her life to come there and it felt like it was for nothing. Brittanya knows the physical connection is there but isn’t sure if the *long pause* *thinking hard* *smelling smoke* emotional connection is there. We’ll see. Natasha’s going home before she is anyway, so she’s got at least one more night.
Oooh I just heard Phil Collins, did you?
The girls are lined up for elimination. Ashley just banged him, so she’s confident. Brittanya has on the dirty chain dress again, and I guess she’s hoping it works twice. He thanked the 3 new girls for joining him, and then tells them they get auto passes this time, so they can get back on the buses. “That’s lame”, says Ashley.
First pass: This girl was truly truly upset when the other girls were asked to stay and he got to spend some good time with her last night. Ashley, of course.
Mindy.
Taya.
Beverly.
Kelsey
Farrah (so much relief she has)
That leaves us with the barely clothed Brittanya and the maybe penile Natasha.
Oh God, he just gave Natasha the “awesome friend/great connection” line. I know where this is going. He calls Brittanya down and asks if she’s there for all the right reasons, and of course she complies, so she hops back on the bus.
So now we’ll never know. Does or does Natasha NOT have a penis?!?
Ack, Bret also just gave the “if we’d met in a different world” speech”. This man has a BOOK of lines. He should publish them. Seriously.,
Next week….. NASHVEGAS, TENNESSEE for the 3rd Annual MUD BOWL!
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