Who won Hell’s Kitchen Season 4? CHRISTINA MACHAMER!

I’ve been confident that she’d be the winner for the past few weeks now. In fact, last week, I said I’d eat my shoe and put the video on YouTube if Petrozza won. Thankfully I won’t have to do that. My sneakers aren’t pretty.

This week, we picked up right where we left off last week – with Petrozza trying to choose between Matt and Jen. He ultimately chose Jen, which left Matty-Boy standing there like the loser kid no one wanted on their kickball team in 4th grade.

Christina’s team: Matt, Corey, and Louross
Petrozza’s team: Ben, Bobby, and Jen

Dinner preparation in the kitchen was like a circus sideshow. Jen was asking Ramsay to write a recommendation for her, Matt was doing some pitiful impersonation of Apu from The Simpsons, and Louross was trying to use a knife sharpener to make his mohawk pointier. Meanwhile, Petrozza and Corey were panicking like they were at the disco.

Ramsay then took each chef on a final walkthrough of their self-designed “dream restaurant.” Christina transformed her half of Hell’s Kitchen into what looked like the set of a 20/20 interview, while Petrozza made his half look like the funeral parlor in Six Feet Under. No joke. There were cheap, fake flowers from A.C. Moore hanging from the ceiling, sprinkled on the tabletops, and plastered on the wallpaper. My grandmother would have loved it. She’s 90. And legally blind in one eye.

Dinner service was very boring and uneventful. It was 20 minutes of Matt undercooking fish and Petrozza pretending to be authoritative, while Ramsay gave blow by blows. I found it incredibly annoying that Ramsay was TALKING INTO THE WRONG CAMERA the whole time. I felt like I was watching the host of Iron Chef, after drinking one too many saki’s.

In the end, Ramsay said the dinner service was filled with more highs than lows… sort of like a dinner party with Snoop Dogg. He also said the decision he had to make was “sheer torture.” I’m so sure.

Christina and Petrozza nervously stepped up to the doors, as Ramsay whispered like he was doing voiceover work for a new Ron Jeremy porno movie. He said, “Walk up to the door… mmhmm keep going… Put your hand on the door but don’t turn the handle… just like that…”

After the commercial break, the final two were instructed to turn the doorknob and… CHRISTINA’S DOOR OPENED! Cut to shots of confetti falling, music playing, and Christina’s mother crying like she just got done getting interviewed by Dr. Phil. Petrozza was a gracious loser. He gave the obligatory “congratulations” speech, but you can tell he was pissed. So close, but so far away, Petrozza.

So there you have it! Another season of Hell’s Kitchen has come to an end. We’ll see you next year for Season 5!

-POPHANGOVER

Other posts on Pophangover:

1. UPDATE: Corey kicked off Hell’s Kitchen
2. UPDATE: Jen kicked off Hell’s Kitchen
3. Hell’s Kitchen Episode #414 Recap – The Finale (part 1)
4. Hell’s Kitchen Episode #413 Recap – The Final Three
5. Hell’s Kitchen Episode #410 Recap – Unified Black Team