THE BRADY RESIDENCE

LOCATION:

92 Ooh My Nose Drive
California
USA

DISCOVERIES:

1) A page from Marcia’s diary that read:

“I long to see Greg naked again. The other night I walked in on him singing to himself in the buff. His manhood was just…” (the entry abruptly ended.)

2) Jan’s backpack. In it we found the following: A black wig, a broken pair of glasses, some lemons, and something she wrote called “101 ways to kill Marcia”. The following entries were highlighted:

#36 – replace hair brush with chain saw.

#44 – place explosives under see-saw (to get Marcia outside I will tell her Davey Jones wants a picture of her on it.)

#79 – put hidden knife inside lipstick.

#93 – place spikes in her potato sack.

3) An invitation from Sam to Mike, asking him to attend the annual “Meatpacker’s Ball.”

4) A love letter addressed to Cindy. It read:

“Dear Cindy, love altering your frilly dresses. Love brushing pig tails while listening to sexy lisp. Meet me by the oven. Hot and bothered, Alice.”

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE STUDIOS

LOCATION:

Studio City,

CA

USA

DISCOVERIES:

1) a rolled scroll of parchment paper. It read:

“Dear Mortal, I offer you fame and fortune if in return you give me the horned one, Kathie Lee. Signed, Satan (Regis had also signed this in blood.)

2) a dismembered intern who was done away with after she handed Sir Regis coffee that was too cold.

3) a cassette tape from Regis’s answering machine containing a message from Kathie Lee:

“Reege, it’s me. Lately you’re getting more attention than I am. I will not stand for that so I’m quitting the show. And I’ve been getting strange phone calls from someone claiming to be the devil. I think it’s one of Franks’ little Hussies. I have to go, Cody needs his ass wiped. Smootches!!”

4) Rosie O’Donnell’s Phone-A-Friend lifeline list. Friends included Sara Lee, Little Debbie, and Mrs. Fields.

5) a rejected question discarded because it was considered “too difficult.” The question read as follows:

IF A TRAIN ARRIVED IN NEW YORK CITY AT 2 PM, WHAT TIME DID THE TRAIN ARRIVE IN NEW YORK CITY??

A) 2 PM B) 3 PM C) 4 PM D) TONY DANZA
6) a weathered cue card that stated:

“REGIS – REMEMBER, NO MORE BITING THE CONTESTANT’S FACES. THE DOCTOR SAID IT PUTS TOO MUCH STRESS ON YOUR DENTURES.”

ELLEN DEGENERES/ANNE HECHE RESIDENCE

LOCATION:

43 SwingdaOther Way

Los Angeles, CA

DISCOVERIES:

1) The tuxedo Ellen wore to their wedding. In the pocket, we found an old, withered copy of Desert Hearts.

2) Seven broken down toaster ovens.

3) An empty plastic container labeled “SPERM FOR ANNE – Keep frozen!”

4) Whoopi Goldberg’s eyebrows (Hmm. How did those get there??)

5) Two tattered washcloths, one embroidered “Bitch,” the other, “Angel” (hmm, who’s who??)

6) A cocktail napkin with David Crosby’s phone number and the scribbled words, “Call me if you girls need a hand!”

7) A library book entitled, “Fun with Fruits.” According to the slip, previous renters included Janet Reno and George Michael.

8) A poem Ellen wrote for Anne. It read:

“I once kissed a boy, it didn’t bring me joy. I once kissed my pillow, it was even worse than the fellow. Then I kissed you, and I knew, penises were evil. The end.” Aw, how romantic.

THE VH1 STUDIOS

LOCATION:

TIMES SQUARE

NY, NY

DISCOVERIES:

1) oh dear, someone threw Tabitha Soren away! So THAT’S where she went.

2) a nude photo of Garth Brooks and Billy Joel in an uncompromising position (looks like they really made the “Thunder Roll” if you catch our drift.)

3) Barbara Streisand’s career

4) a hunk of Cher’s old nose (do you believe?)

5) a ripped pair of leather pants with a tube sock stitched into the crotch. In one pocket we found tooth whitener and in the other, an empty bottle of Designer Imposters Latin Spice cologne.

6) 5 Grammys, apparently tossed aside by Santana. Ungrateful bastard!

7) a used Depends diaper. Our guess? Madonna.

8) 3 jobless guys (TLC discarded them; they don’t want no “scrubs.”)

9) a pair of pink silk Victoria’s Secret panties with the words “Elton- You’re MY Rocket Man!” stitched inside.

10) visine, munchies, a pic of Bobby Brown, and an empty baggie stuffed into a size 9 pump.

11) a piece of paper reading as follows:

“Dear Mr. Producer Man – the Britney “falling camera” incident was a success – here is the money in the amount we discussed. Signed, Genie in a Bottle.”