8:00pm: Thirty seconds in and I already feel like I’m watching a National Geographic documentary. Please, Lord, don’t let that hippo eat that poor, innocent monkey!

8:01: Cue footage of Probst yelling into the camera, and a bunch of scared white people being led through a grassy field by African tribesmen in make-up.

8:05: Jeff Probst is wearing a dorky SURVIVOR hat. Four minutes later, and the people are still walking through a grassy field.

8:06: The introductions and the team selection processs:

Red Team – FANG. Team members – Gillian, Crystal, Susie, Matty, Randy, Dan, Danny, Ken, Michelle
Yellow Team – KOTA. Team members – Bob, Ace, Sugar, Marcus, Charlie, Paloma, Kelly, Jacquie, Corinne

The red team seems to have all the useless, annoying people on it. Bob’s yellow team has all the younger, stronger people.

8:12: The first challenge: run up a steep hill to grab a flag. Winning team gets a bunch of corn and beans.

8:14: Jeff screams “GO” and people are running around everywhere like crazed contestants on “Supermarket Sweep.” Marcus grabbed the idol first for Kota, and GC got it for Fang.

8:15: It’s pronounced FONG even though it’s spelled FANG. Why? FANG is scary and intimidating. FONG is a Chinese restaurant.

8:16: People are still running around everywhere. The supposed Olympic athlete can’t even get herself up the hill. She’s at the bottom with Gillian, the old woman.

8:21: Team Kota won. And in an unrelated story, Sugar the pinup girl has the most obnoxious, nervous giggle I’ve ever heard.

8:23: Great, more Lion King music. Gillian just asked her tribemates to bring back elephant dung because it “burns well.” Who the hell is this woman? Bear Grylls’s grandmother?

8:23: Gillian has a HUGE PILE OF ELEPHANT DUNG in her hands. Ok, I sure hope someone brought the Purell as their luxury item.

8:24: Ken the Asian video gamer is a dork. He said the last girl he kissed was in high school 4-5 years ago. He just gave Michelle a TERMITE to eat, and he’s already telling the confessional cameras that a “romance” may start between the two of them.

8:27: Charlie said he “feels he has a special bond with Marcus.” Translation: Charlie is gay and has a huge man crush on straight Marcus. This is turning into an episode of Jerry Springer.

8:30: Randy the wedding videographer is bleeding everywhere! Blood is dripping into his eye! He hit his head on a branch and cut it open. The medical team had to show up and give him stitches. What an idiot.

8:36: Michelle is bitching that she’s cold. She has some really BAD acne. Maybe the next challenge will be for some Pro-Activ.

8:38 Ace has the team doing YOGA in their underwear. Why are all the men extremely “excited?” Is “Downward Facing Dog” really that erotic?

8:40: Challenge time! They’re playing for immunity and fire. They teams are belted together to complete an obstacle course. They then had to dig to find bags of puzzle pieces… and then, put together A PUZZLE. Wait, where have I seen that before? Oh yeah, on the past SIXTEEN SEASONS OF SURVIVOR.

8:42: Bob’s yellow team Kota is already on the puzzle portion, while Gillian’s AWFUL, tired red team is still digging slower than a bunch of developmentally disabled 2 year olds in a sandbox.

8:43: Kota wins immunity and fire. Lame African victory music is playing as they’re doing touchdown celebrations.

8:45: ANOTHER commercial for the movie Nights in Rodanthe with Richard Gere. Not even my grandmother is going to see this piece of shit movie, and I don’t need Richard Gere and Diane Lane on the beach whispering in my face every 5 seconds. Thanks.

8:52: Half the people want Michelle to go home, and the other half wants Gillian to go. Ken is freaking out that his future wife is in danger. He already has their kids names picked out.

8:54: Tribal council! Jeff Probst told the team they were “a disaster.” They’re all arguing with each other and I’m bored to death. Wow, high def is not Michelle’s friend.

8:57: Somehow, GC was named the leader of Fang. He is shitting his pants.

9:00: Michelle is the first person voted off of Survivor: Gabon. Everyone voted for her. You know she’s thinking, “Damn, I ate a termite for THIS shit?”

9:01: The red team SUCKS ASS. Team leader GC is a loser. He looks like he weighs 100 pounds wet. Did he borrow his humongous shirt fom John Goodman’s closet?

9:07: Charlie is drooling over Marcus again. They’re on a rowboat in the middle of nowhere whispering to each other. Marcus just called Charlie the “innermost part of his onion.” There’s some weird shit going on.

9:11: I’m already sick of seeing Randy in his cheap K-Mart Jimmy Buffett floral print shirt.

9:16: Yellow team’s Charlie, Corinne, Marcus, and Jacquie just formed an alliance.

9:19: We just found out GC stands for “GOLDEN CHILD.” Isn’t that an old Eddie Murphy movie? Anyway, the GOLDEN CHILD just stepped down as leader, after a whopping 4 hours. Eddie would be so disappointed.

9:21: Another challenge! Jeff Probst is wearing a DIFFERENT Survivor hat. The lame red team rolled up with stupid black face paint smeared all over their faces. It didn’t make Gillian look intimidating. It made her look like a crazy bag lady. I’m just saying.

9:22: They have to push a large boulder through an obstacle course, and picking up keys and unlocking gates along the way. First team to the finish line wins a crapload of fishing gear and immunity. The winning team also picks one person from the losing team to go to Exile Island. Waiting there is the 1st clue to the hidden immunity idol.

9:23: These balls are ghetto looking. They look like Martha Stewart made them out of paper mache 10 minutes before the show started. Gillian is doing absolutely nothing to help push. The yellow team is ahead, again. Shocking.

9:27: Yellow team Kota won AGAIN. Sorry, Fang, your lame black facepaint didn’t work. And these red vs. yellow challenges are already getting boring. It’s like watching Michael Phelps swimming the backstroke against Roger Ebert.

9:27: Kota sent DAN to Exile Island. He spent 5 minutes digging random holes. He’s clearly not too bright.

9:33: MORE AFRICAN MUSIC. I get it. You’re in Africa.

9:33: Charlie just said, “I’m having a blast here. This is 10,000 times better than my life at home.” To be fair, anything is better than Queer as Folk reruns in your underwear on a Saturday night with your cat.

9:39: Forget “Everybody Hates Chris” – Everybody Hates Gillian.

9:39: THIS EPISODE SUCKS, BY THE WAY. This premiere is disappointing and predictable… sort of like every single Jim Carrey movie.

9:45: Randy just made a fishing hook out of a pair of eyeglasses and some shoe string. Holy crap, they just caught a fish. I’m shocked.

9:50: Tribal council #2! Jeff is mocking GC for giving up his leadership role. Dan, the dork sent to Exile Island, is still wearing a suit and tie. Everyone thinks he found the idol. Please. He couldn’t find his own dick in the dark.

9:56: Gillian was the 2nd person voted off Survivor: Gabon. Shocking.

9:59: Next week, more hippos, more elephants, and more struggling for Fang. See you back here then!

[photos: cbs]

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1. Survivor Gabon Episode #1707 Recap: LIVE BLOGGING
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