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EPISODE #1001 |
alternatively titled:
We get it. New York is really big. |
Mama Coral?? |
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Ah yes. Another year, another season premiere of the "Real" World.
The episode opened with Lori, Coral, and Mike meeting up in the subway.
MIKE: "Dudes!"
LORI: "Ah! So happy it's you and not that Asian bitch Ellen!"
CORAL: "Are you just saying that because I'm black?"
MIKE: "Dudes!"
MTV then sent the threesome a page. Mike proved he was indeed dumber than he
looks when he attempted to read the message to the group: "Leave ferry... take
subway... to 32... Hudson?" Oh dear. I could have waxed the hair completely off of
Burt Reynold's back in the time it took Mike to spit that out. Hooked on Phonics
worked for Mike!
Coral said she was familiar with NYC and the subway systems, because she used to
model there a few years ago (no, stop laughing, that's not the joke). However,
the years of being an angry bitch in-between must have gotten to her, because she
instructed the group to get off at the wrong stop. Now they were stranded at ONE
Hudson, instead of THIRTY-TWO Hudson. So, after a few more minutes of them screaming about how excited they were to see each other and singing "Cumbaya" around some poor homeless guy's makeshift fire, the threesome set off in search of their new home (an ex-sausage
factory that's been converted to a brownstone). Coral said she was so cold
that her "nipples were creating holes in her leather jacket." Thanks, but I for
one could have gone to my grave without hearing such a disturbing statement.
Next we see Malik on a bench, staring at the huge Statue Of Liberty and rambling about how diverse New York is. In comes Nicole. Malik tells her, "This is the first time I've ever
seen the Statue Of Liberty." Nicole replied, "Oh, I didn't even see that!" Of course
not, her eyelids were weighted down from the 800 tons of hideous eye shadow she applied
just minutes before.
In comes Kevin, telling us that "New York City is intimidating!" Do these people get
out much? Cut to Nicole in the confessional telling us that she lives in a "trashy
neighborhood with roaches," and that she's ready for something new. Oh, she'll get that
all-right. She's making the move up to a semi-trashy neighborhood with huge sewer rats.
Oh well, you can't win them all.
Back at 32 Hudson, Mike, Coral, and Lori poked around their new place. Coral said,
"Oh my God, is this our house??" No, honey, they just sent you there for a quick pee-break.
Please. Then, in come Malik, Nicole, and Kevin. As soon as Lori saw Kevin, her eyes
lit up more than Whitney Houston in Jamaica. They should have just hooked up then and there,
instead of making the general population want to hurl for the next 45 minutes with their
second grade antics.
After the commercial, Rachel finally showed up. She said, "Big cities freak me
out. I'm also scared of the boogie man, of shadows in the dark, and of the little man
in the fridge who turns the light on and off." Rachel also shared that she's never taken
public transportation on her own. Of course not. She just rode her big-wheels anywhere she needed to go.
By now, rooms were picked, and it was time to show us some incredibly boring bar footage
from their first night out on the town. Mike, Nicole, and Rachel left early, leaving the
other roommates with nothing better to do than to pound back shots and talk about how ignorant Mike is, and how funny looking his teeth are. Ah, the hard lives of Real Worlders.
Later that night, Mike told Kevin about his attraction to Rachel. He said, "When you see girls walking down the street, you don't notice them because they all look the same; but when you see Rachel, you'll definitely notice her because she'll be the one holding her mommy's hand." Lori then came in and pounced on Kevin, and greeted him with the line, "How you
doing, silly guy!" Silly guy? I've heard people refer to their pets that way, but their
potential love interest? Yikes.
The next morning, after Coral made Malik's bed, she decided to head into the bathroom to share with Rachel her vast knowledge on the subject of shower curtains. "See, when you
take a shower, you gotta make sure the curtain is closed." Oh my goodness! So that's
why my bathroom floor has been getting wet all these years?? Had I known I could have just closed the shower curtain, I could have saved myself a lot of angst. Thank you,
Coral, thank you. You have opened my eyes. The world owes you a huge debt of gratitude.
(Rolling eyes).
Breakfast hailed the beginning of the inevitable "Race War." Mike said that his uncle wouldn't hire black people because they "tended to be slower." At this point, Kevin (from
the original Real World New York) appeared out of nowhere, running through the restaurant screaming, "Black people have it bad! Black balled, black listed, black sheep. Damn the
man!" Just as he disappeared behind the walk-in refrigerator, smoke began to emanate from
Coral's ears and her head began to rapidly rotate a perfect 360 degrees. Get a grip, Coral. He wasn't insulting you. He wasn't even talking about his own beliefs. Remove the huge
stick from your ass and swallow your mouthful of scrambled eggs. Proceed. (For the record, it was during this scene that I made the haunting realization that Malik doesn't blink. Ever.)
Back at 32 Hudson, Lori, armed with more eyeliner than Tami Faye baker, was hanging all over Kevin yet again. Kevin told her that he's been through a lot fighting cancer, but
now he is "healthy as a cat." I don't know about you, but when I think "cat," I don't think "epitome of health." I think mangey, fleas, disease, and urinating in sandboxes. But I digress.
Coral then did a tarot card reading for Lori. As someone who reads tarot, I can tell you that her reading was more generic than the crap you'll find on the shelves at your local pharmacy. "You will not be alone forever." "I see happy times ahead for you." "You've had bad times in the past." Somewhere across America, Miss Cleo clutched her hand to her chest and collapsed.
Finally, Mike decided to apologize to Coral and Malik. Honestly, I think they blew the whole thing out of proportion. Nonetheless, Coral accepted Mike's apology. She said, "He's not a bad guy, he don't know no better." Gee, Coral, for someone who claims to be so intelligent and educated, one would think that you would have a firm grasp on the grammatical basics of the English language by now. Don't know no better? I've heard more proper grammar coming from the mouth of my three year old nephew.
The episode ended with Lori and Coral talking about Kevin, and with Kevin and Malik talking about Lori. Suddenly I felt like I was watching love bloom on an episode of Saved By The Bell. I was half-expecting Kevin to come in and pull her pigtails and push her down in the sandbox. Everyone, let's just say a prayer right now that Lori doesn't pull out a stuffed bunny and start chasing Kevin around the house until he kisses it. Amen.
And that, my friends, brought the first week of Real World New York drama to an end.
And now onto the Rotten Apple awards!
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Coral - an obnoxious, snippy hypocrite. Loosen up, toots.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
Kevin
- "I won't have sex unless I'm in love." Oh, please.
Stop trying to be the poster child for abstinence. We
all know you'll be doing more than the lambada with Lori
this season.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week...
and remember,
to avoid a messy clean-up, be sure to close your shower curtain!
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