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EPISODE #1002 |
alternatively titled:
It's Black History Month! |
Nicole +
George Bush = TLF |
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Pre-review commentary: This was, (and I know I've said this before, but this time I
really mean it), the worst, most boring, most painful to watch, most horrendously
God-awful episode of the Real World that mine eyes have ever seen. Amen.
Ah yes. Another week, another episode of the "Real" World.
The episode opened with Coral picking on Mike's haircut, and with her telling him he needed to do something to it. So in the confessional, Mike said, "Coral is always trying to change me. News for Coral: you're not going to change me!" Five seconds later, where was Mike? (insert Final Jeopardy music here) That's right, he was getting his hair cut. Way to stick to your guns. Mike also said he was going to stop doing things that made him look stupid. Five minutes later he was seen doing the chicken dance. So much for that.
Cut to Nicole flipping through the romance classifieds. Malik said, "I like a lot of things about Nicole, but there are parts of her I'm not attracted to." I've got five bucks he's referring to everything above her neck.
Next, we had the pleasure of seeing Nicole in the bathroom applying more make-up than the entire clown population on the Eastern seaboard. She said, "When I was younger, sometimes we had no water. I was called Dirty Girl." Now that she's older and cleaner, they call her "dirty" and question if she's a girl. So similar. Yet so different.
Cut to Mike saying, "Whenever I talk to Coral, she finds a way to make me look stupid." What Mike doesn't realize is that Coral doesn't even have to say a word. His out-dated tapered legged jeans are speaking volumes. What Coral hasn't realized is how absolutely idiotic she looks with a red tablecloth draped over her head. Somebody alert the fashion police, pronto.
Yes, boys and girls, it is February in the Real World house. That can only mean we will be forced to hear about Black History Month for the remainder of the episode. After a few minutes of them bickering, I actually thought someone had accidentally switched the TV to the History channel.
Coral was upset that Mike didn't know how frequently Rosa Parks shaved her legs, so she suggested that he "get on the internet." Mike said, "Why, is that what you do on the internet?" No. Of course that's not what she does on the net. We all know that Coral spends her free time scouring the web for nude photos of Malcolm Jamaal Warner. Hubba hubba.
After the first commercial and some stock footage of hot dog vendors and homeless men dying before our eyes on the streets of New York, our Black History Month lesson continued. Malik taught Mike all about Malcolm X. Mike, in his effort to be equal, decided to teach Malik a little something about White culture. So, he put on a Debbie Gibson tune and fed him some quiche. Ah, what a lovely exchange.
Suddenly, the phone rang. It was for Nicole. She said, "I'll be back young kids, a grown woman has grown woman's business!" Nicole then ran upstairs to clean her dentures and change her Depends. Once finished, she talked to the "fly guy" she met at the bar earlier in the episode (note: that could be anywhere from 1-9 days ago in "Real World" time.)
They scheduled to meet at 8 PM, at 14th and 8th. Nicole went to the bathroom to re-apply layers number 97, 98, and 99 of her face makeup, threw on a pair of sunglasses, and was on her merry way to 14th and 8th to meet him.
Rene, the "fly guy" (ha!), a.k.a. Lenny Kravitz's little brother, was slightly late showing up. Apparently he added 14 and 8, and thought he was supposed to meet her on 22nd street. The horror. Anyway, he showed up, and he too was wearing sunglasses. Hello people, it's dark out... hence there is no sun. Kindly remove the sunglasses. You look absolutely moronic. Please. Unless you are recovering from cataract surgery, get 'em off. Since when did Ray Charles become a fashion trendsetter?
Cut to Nicole in a confessional, where she said, "Things were cool until he told me he voted for George Bush." Nicole wanted nothing more to do with him once she heard that, so she politely said goodbye and left. (Basically, she ended the date because he liked Bush. Nah. Nicole's not a man in drag.)
Back home, Nicole told the roommates that Rene was cool, but that he didn't "date a lot of sisters." Mike said, "That's incest! Why would he date his sister? Gross." Poor, poor clueless Mike.
The next day, one of Malik's friends came over. Mike sat down next to him and said, "Want me to tell you about your culture?!" Mike proceeded to spit out everything he could remember about Malcolm X, which amounted to two things: one, he was black, and two, he was a man. Impressive, eh? Coral then showed up in the room, wearing a hideous headwrap and a bedazzler bindi apparently left behind by Real World Hawaii's Margaret. Indian women everywhere were rolling their eyes.
Finally, the episode ended with Malik teaching Mike the profound meaning of the lyrics to Bob Marley's No Woman No Cry.
Malik: "Trenchtown, thats the ghetto!"
Mike: "I feel that!"
There the two stood, arm in arm, singing "Everything's gonna be all right!" Mike looked more out of place than Richard Simmons at the Playboy mansion. Hey Mike, stick to the Debbie Gibson, kid.
And that, my friends, brought the first week of Real World New York drama to an end.
And now onto the Rotten Apple awards!
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Coral. Bindi's, tablecloth headwraps, and attitude. It won't be long before all the roommates hate her guts.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
Nicole
- "I don't want to high-five you, I don't want you to
get burned because I'm hot!" Uh, that's right, Nicole.
You keep telling yourself that.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week...
and remember,
February is Black History Month!
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