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EPISODE #1003 |
alternatively titled:
Guess what, Mommy! I used a fake ID! |
This season blows. |
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Ah yes. Another week, another episode of the "Real" World.
The episode opened with Rachel singing the blues that she wasn't 21, and thus couldn't
get into any bars in New York. Good thing she taped that episode of Mr. Roger's
Neighborhood earlier that morning, so her night wasn't a complete bust. While
waiting for the roommates to get home from a fun night of drinking, she passed
the time trying to perfect that little shoe flip thing Fred does at the beginning
of each episode. Poor thing just couldn't get it right. Hi neighbor.
The next day, while looking through photos, Bunim & Murray pieced together Rachel's "I Am Not A Lesbian" clip. For five minutes, we watched Rachel point to various guys in the photo album and say, "I made out with him! Yep, made out with him, too!" Rachel's nose suddenly grew 4 inches.
Nothing even remotely interesting happened in the next sequence, but Coral had a huge yellow stain on her left breast. Mutant lactation? A run-in with a fiesty hot dog? A drive-by
egging? You decide the source.
Next was Nicole's "I Really Like Roses" clip. She wore a rose in her ear that matched the rose on her shirt. Boys across the universe were so
revolted that they collectively decided to switch to carnations for Valentine's Day.
Yes, it's nightfall again, and that can only mean one thing (no, not another shooting in
Central Park): it's time for the bars. Rachel made the roommates go out to some cheesy
18 and over bar with a $25 cover charge. The place was filled with little 15 year olds
sipping juice in the corner, who had fake IDs that said they were 18. Darn, if only
they had said which bar it was, I would be sure to visit it next time I went to the city.
(Dear Lord, please forgive me, because I have told a lie. Amen.)
Later that night, while still at the teeny-bopper bar, Kevin said to Lori, "I don't want
to date you. You're like a sister to me. I don't want to be with you." Lori said, "Okay,
well, I don't have a problem with that if you don't. We can still sleep together, right?"
Um, hi, Lori? This is the ghost of Elvis. I have one room vacancy in Heartbreak Hotel with
your name on it. Toodles!
On the walk home from the bar, Mike's face was all blotchy and gross looking. I ask you
this: could Mike's red face be Roseacea? (Sorry. Inside joke for any of you whom have
seen those hilarious "Could my red face be roseacea?!" infomercials.)
The next day, Mike, Kevin, Lori, and Rachel went to visit Mike's frat brother, Jeff.
The boys left the girls alone in the room so they could go out, get drunk, vomit all
over themselves, and attempt to pick up girls (Oh, I'm sorry, was that stereotypical?) The girls had nothing to do in the room but eat Jeff's food and talk about what losers they
were. So sad. Yet so true. Jeff's psychotic girlfriend called twice. I wish I was there to answer that phone, because a "Calm down, tootsie, I wouldn't touch your ugly man with a 10 foot pole" would have been in order.
Meanwhile, back at the sausage factory, Nicole and Coral were flipping through a magazine, trying to find a bar to
go to. One bar had the letters "LES" next to it. Coral, with all her knowledge of NYC,
proclaimed that it was a "LESBIAN" bar. In the "Coral Is An Idiot" clip of the night,
the B&M editors wrote "LES = LOWER EAST SIDE" across the bottom of the screen. In a frat
house somewhere in middle America, Mike watched this episode and proclaimed, "See guys? I
wasn't the only dumb one on the show! I swear!"
Later that night, there was more drama over getting Rachel into the bars. She said, "Fake
ID's are expensive!" Right, but the $25 to get into one bar grows on a tree in your
back yard, you naive twit? So, after making a few more lame comments about how
illegal fake ID's were, Rachel finished combing the hair on her Malibu Barbie and went to get dressed. She put on a black leather top and a pair of ugly green pants. She came out into the hallway and proclaimed, "I look like something out of Rocky Horror Picture
Show!" (I was going to say she looked like something my cat dragged in, but then I realized I don't have a cat. And if I did, the cat would probably be too afraid of her scary
blonde hair to drag her anywhere. But I digress.)
Rachel looked into the camera and said the words that I have come to loathe: "Mommy's
gonna kiiiiillll me!" Oh, that's right Rachel. You thought her not speaking to you last
Christmas was bad? I'm forecasting a very lonely New Years. And a loss of Saturday
morning cartoon viewings at least until Oprah loses 4 dress sizes (Ouch. Don't hold your
breath, kiddo.)
That night, at the bar, Rachel proudly displayed her fake ID. The girl in the photo
looked nothing like her, but in the tradition of all bouncers wanting to get on MTV
everywhere, he let her in with a knowing grin that seemed to say, "The girl in this photo
is far too pretty to be you. Oh, is that a camera? Hi mom!"
Coral was dancing around the bar wearing that hideous orange headwrap once again. What
a surprise! I couldn't tell if she was trying
to be fashionable, or if she was getting ready to hold up that convenience store outside
the bar. Either way, no one was dancing anywhere near her, and I can't say I blame them.
Rachel started dancing with "a brotha" who was apparently so turned on by her that he
grabbed his crotch and said, "Look baby, you're making me so hard!" Rachel then turned around and ran away. I found it hard to believe that anyone could be turned on by
Rachel, so I rewound the footage and watched it again. Turns out that's not what
he said at all. He really said, "Sorry baby, but you smell like a Saint Bernard." Rachel
couldn't take the rejection, and that's why she ran. Poor child. She then told the
roommates that she forgot to unplug her Make It And Bake It Oven, and that she had to go
home right away.
On the way home, Rachel did her best "red headed stepchild" and showed us just how
annoying she could be. Mike and Lori went with her. Rachel said, "It's one thing to make me look older, but another thing to get me molested by an uuuuugggly man!" Okay, everyone,
on the count of three. One, Two, Three: "OH MY GOD, SHUT UP RACHEL."
But no. She didn't shut up. She continued to make these annoying "fake vomiting" sounds
all the way home. She then said, "I can smell his disgusting perfume and I'm gonna throw
up!" (Mike secretly took a whiff of his shirt and was embarrassed to realize the cheap
designer imposters was emitting from him. Shh, Mike, it'll be our little secret.)
Rachel continued screwing with her gag reflex in the confessional at home. But I was more confused than ever. Let
me try to get this straight. The guy wasn't too ugly to dance with, but when he started to hit on her, he suddenly morphed into the ugliest beast on the universe? Oh dear. Rachel
then left the confessional to draw the shape of a penis on her Lite-Brite. She wrote
the word "Cooties!" under it.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end.
And now onto the Rotten Apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Rachel. This "mommy will kill me" crap has already gotten old.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
Rachel - "I want to shower 50,000 times until the memory of tonight floods out of my
body!" Funny, that's exactly how I feel after watching tonight's episode.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
if you're under 21 and want to get into a bar, just bring an MTV camera
crew along with you.
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