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EPISODE #1004 |
alternatively titled:
Enough about the Freak Panty Droppers, already! |
Valendoom's Day? |
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Previously on the Real World: Coral hates Mike. Kevin disses Lori.
This week on the Real World: Coral hates Mike. Kevin disses Lori.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end.
And now onto the Rotten Apple awards!
What? I'm supposed to write a review on this crappy episode? Ah, fine. Even though absolutely nothing interesting happened on this episode (what a surprise), I guess I could elaborate a little.
The episode opened with the gang cooking in the kitchen. Rachel made a peanut
butter sandwich and actually proceeded to dip it in a glass of orange juice before
she ate it. In a kitchen far, far away, Emeril clutched his hand to his chest and
collapsed to the ground. Bam?
Ah, yes. It's Valentine's Day, and in the hopes that it would help her score,
Lori tried to comb her hair in such a way as to hide her hideous bald spot. Sorry, Lori.
Insert quarter, try again, 'cause it's not working. Meanwhile, Coral sat in the kitchen screaming, "It's Valen-Doom's Day!" She's just so clever! Valendoom's Day! She then
sang a little song about it:
How much do I hate Valentine's Day
I am such a lonely bitch
The last guy who took me out
Left me for dead in a ditch.
Yikes. Why am I not surprised.
Next, Mike got a phonecall from some girl named Becky. He invited her and her friends over, hung up the phone, and announced to the roommates that they were "freak panty droppers."
Coral immediately put down her book entitled "501 Reasons To Get Mad At Mike" and told
him he was being rude. Mike explained that a "freak panty dropper" was a "beautiful
woman." Right, mike. And let me guess, "skanky-assed ho" directly translates to "lovely rose." Suuuuuure it does.
After some boring footage of Lori, Coral, and Rachel on the subway, the freak panty
droppers (a.k.a. Becky, Shannon, and Amy) made their way to the Real World house (they looked more like Say What Karaoke rejects than "freak panty droppers.") All the
while, Coral was trying to get Mike to admit that he called the girls "freak panty
droppers." Mike looked more stressed out than an anorexic in a house of mirrors, so he took
the girls and ran out of the house faster than Anna Nicole Smith to a dying millionaire.
After the commercial, Mike said he would never be rude to anyone else's friends because
he has "cur-tee-ous-see." Yes Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.
Next, Lori met a blurry-headded bartender named Stevie B at some place called "Bar
And Books." I spent the rest of the episode singing "Springtime Love" over and over
in my head. I guess it could have been worse. The bartender's name could have been "Meatloaf."
Becky called the house again, and asked Mike if he wanted to go out to dinner. He agreed,
and the two went to a place called "Authentic Chinese Restaurant" where they proceeded
to flirt while eating freshly sauteed seagull. You don't get more authentic than that.
Meanwhile, Mike said his first impression of Becky was that she was "kind of dumb." Please,
this coming from the kid who just got offered a starring role in Jim Carrey's upcoming sequel entitled "Dumb, Dumber, and Mike."
Back at the house, Nicole called for a house meeting so she could tell everyone to
be quiet while she was sleeping. Of course this was just another opportunity
for Coral to yell at Mike about calling his friends "freak panty droppers" (I'm so
sick of hearing that damn phrase already.) Mike just sat there with his face redder than
Robert Downey Jr's handkerchief after snorting just a little too much cocaine, unable to
refute anything Coral had to say to him. In a confessional, Mike then said, "Back home I have hundreds of friends but here, I have six, and some don't even like me." Oh Mike, you're
just fooling yourself. Your "friends" at home don't like you either.
After some more painful Taco Bell commercials, we returned to the Real World to learn
that Stevie B gave Lori a box of chocolate roses for Valentine's Day. Sure it's the
thought that counts, but nothing screams "tacky" louder than a 99-cent box of bad chocolate
picked up at Wal-Mart earlier that day (except, of course, the red tablecloth shirt that
Coral wore in the next scene.)
Lori tried to make Kevin jealous by telling him that Stevie B gave her a Valentine's Day
present. Kevin was too interested in the new website he just found, www.hairystudds.com, to care.
Mike decided to make each girl a vase of flowers to earn some Brownie points. He
also wrote a special V-Day card straight from the bottom of his heart:
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY LADIES!
I know you all hate me because my face is always red and I burp a lot
and talk about women like they're meat and I'm ignorant. And yes it's true that my
penis is abnormally small and I smell really bad even after I shower but I'm a good guy. I
don't know how to spell your names. Don't feel bad, I don't know how to spell mine either.
Love Mike.
Kevin and Malik went to upstate New York for Valentine's Day, and the girls thought it would be fun to dress in black and go out to eat. They didn't invite poor Mike, who had nothing to
do but resort to popping bubble wrap and talking to random people on his instant messenger.
On to the cheesiest Real World footage I've ever seen: cue sad music and blurred screen names. Someone typed, "Are you lonely?" and Mike replied, "Yes." Cue more sad music and shots of Mike sitting by himself wearing huge oversized earphones. Repeat after me, Mike:
"I am a loser. I am a loser. I am a........"
And THAT, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end.
And now onto the Rotten Apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Lori. I love Kevin! I'm over Kevin! I love Kevin! I'm over Kevin!
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
Coral - "No one's ever been nice to me when I've been mean to them!" No shit,
Sherlock.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
no season of Real World ever has, nor ever will, suck more ass
than Real World Back To New York!
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