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EPISODE #1005 |
alternatively titled:
So Funny I Forgot To Laugh |
SHUT UP, CORAL. |
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Previously on the Real World: Coral hates Mike. Kevin disses Lori.
This week on the Real World: Coral hates Mike. So does everyone else.
Yep, another week, another episode of watching Coral yell at Mike (yawn).
The episode opened with the group sitting in the living room trying to guess what job they'd be working at this year. Just as Malik was rocking ruff and stuff with his afro puffs, Snoop ran on set and screamed, "Rock on, wit cha bad self." (and to anyone who hasn't had the pleasure of hearing that song, consider yourself blessed.)
Mike was on some kind of mission this episode to prove he was funny, so he went downstairs
and composed a fake note to the roommates that read, "This year, you will be working at Big
Roy's Waste Transfer Station!" He signed the note "Mary-Ellen Bunim and Jonathan Murray."
Mike was arrested shortly thereafter for forgery. Silly boy. If he wanted to make everyone laugh, he should have just started talking about Malcolm X again.
Mike, Lori, and Rachel then walked to a concert together. Rachel was a raving wench to Mike the whole time, and told him to go home. Coral then told Rachel that her behavior meant that she liked Mike. Just another reason to dislike Coral as far as I'm concerned, since her statement made Rachel break out into another chorus of screaming, whining "Eeeewwww's!" But if Rachel's being mean to Mike meant she "liked" him, and if Coral is a thousand times more mean, then what the hell does Coral want? To have his first born? I don't understand. Maybe I need to enroll in 8th grade again, just to gain some insight into Coral's mentality.
For the next 4-5 minutes, we were subjected to Mike telling the most God-awful jokes I've ever heard. He said, "I have the worst jokes in the world, but the way I tell them is funny!" Please, honey, I wanted to run to the store and buy a tomato just so I could throw it at you. Good God. First of all, it took the kid twenty minutes just to spit out a joke. I could have ran cross country to Martha Stewart's house, knocked on her door, and told her that her cherry-stemmed napkin holders weren't that cool in the time it took Mike to spit out just one joke. And second, his idea of "funny" is him pretending that his fist is a microphone, tapping it, and asking "is this thing on?" Oh yeah, he can be expecting a call from Caroline's Comedy Club any day now. I bet he tries that same "is this thing on?" bit in bed with his penis when it fails to come to attention, except it'll get a laugh in that situation, for SURE.
So 10 minutes later, Mike is still telling bad jokes. There sits Lori, hair looking especially bald. Just when things can't get any stranger, Ron Popeil ran on-set and attacked her head with two bottles of GH Formula 44 while simultaneously installing six rotisserie oven's for the gang's pleasure. Just set it and forget it! Finally, everyone ran out of the room, covering their ears and shutting off their miracle ear's along the way. Mike said, "Wow, I've never cleared a room before, except the time after I ate that extra burrito."
In the next scene, Mike walked to a concert by himself. The slo-mo clips of him dancing and grunting in the audience explained why. I wouldn't go to a concert with that kid. Judging by his painful facial expressions, I wouldn't know whether to pass him a beer or a tablet of Pepto Bismol. But Mike did get to slap hands with the lead singer of a third-rate band that night! That'll be a story to tell the grandkids!
After the first break, the roommates got a delivery that explained to them that they'd be working at Arista Records this year. They were instructed to create resumes and to make lists of their favorite albums. Mike threw in his opinion of his favorite album, and of course, Coral proceeded to rip him yet another ass-hole. Mike then said that he thought Maxwell sucked, and Coral instructed him "not to diss other people's music." Say it with me now people, "SHUT UP, BITCH!!"
In a confessional, Coral then said, "Picking on people makes you feel better!" She then proceeded to steal Mike's lunchbox and push him into the sandbox. Those are the words of an intelligent woman, aren't they? I can just hear them coming out of Mother Teresa's mouth. Gee, that Coral sure is intelligent.
Speaking of intelligent, in the next scene, Lori had to tell Nicole how to spell "Arista." TWICE.
The next day, the group woke up at 7 am and picked out what they wanted to wear on their first day of work. Rachel picked out this adorable sleeper with the "feetsies" attached. Wonder why the roommates wouldn't let her wear it?
Next, we met Adam and Devin, who told us all about how the record company worked. Blah, blah, blah, blah, VISA BUCKS, blah, blah, blah.
Adam and Devin then explained that since they were already so huge in the Pop and R&B world, they wanted to use the real worlders to help them become huge in the Rock world. Mike then reached into his pocket, and threw all of it's contents out onto the table, and said, "Ooh! You want rock? Bam! I got quartz. Bam, bam! Look at this limestone! Huge!" Meanwhile, Coral and Nicole's eyes rolled as far back as humanly possible into their skulls when they found out they wouldn't be working with R&B or rap stars. Aw, here, let me grab a box of tissues so I can throw it at your heads, you pathetic, ungrateful assholes.
Upstairs, the group was put to work playing solitaire or something on their very own laptops. Of course, Coral's computer was set up right across from Mike's. Back at the B&M Real World party, Mary Ellen Bunim and Jonathan Murray gave each other a high-five, sipped their champagne, and toasted themselves for finding the seven most obnoxious people the world had to offer this year.
After the next commercial, Coral started rolling her eyes again because she was sat across from Mike. What are we, five years old? I can just hear Coral's mom on Christmas morning: "No, Coral, we won't be at grandma's house for another hour, so just sit there in the back seat and shut up." Most kids grow out of that stage. (I said MOST.)
Next came the interviews with Adam and Devin. They went a little something like this:
Nicole: "That music you played upstairs, all I heard was noise. I mean, what was that shit, anyway? You call that music? I'm one closed-minded bitch, let me tell you."
Adam and Devin: "NEXT!"
Kevin: "So this one time, I lied about my age to an employer!"
Adam and Devin: "He not only looks like Bill Clinton, he lies like him too. NEXT!"
Malik: "Yeah man, I used to be this really suave DJ..."
Adam and Devin: "NEEEEXT!"
Coral: "Umm... last concert I saw was New Edition. My favorite CD is Purple Rain."
Adam and Devin: (extreme laughter) "Did she say Purple Rain?? Haaahah! NEXT!!!"
Lori: "Well, yeah, I'm a singer, and uhh....."
Adam and Devin: "Did you see that bald spot? She won't be recruiting anyone to buy our CD's except Mr. Clean. NEXT!"
Rachel: "Yeah, this guy Mike who is coming in next, he is a real poopie-head and he...."
Adam and Devin: "Did you get a load of that chick's Sesame Street T-shirt? What the hell was that about? NEEXXXXXT!"
Mike: "Dude, I *OWN* the pit!"
Adam and Devin: "Brilliant! Perfection! Just what we're looking for!"
Go figure. They liked Mike. (Editorial note: I just looked outside my window and saw three large pigs flying by.)
The real worlders were then separated into two teams. Of course, Mike and Coral were on the same team. Coral said, "Mike's in my group, so I'm just gonna have to put tape over his mouth. He can e-mail me or something." Bill Gates then made a cameo and handed Mike a disk labeled "5 E-mail Viruses Guaranteed To Crash Any Computer!" Aw, Bill, Windows may suck my inner ass, but you're definitely my kind of man.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end.Be sure to watch next week when Malik dates a white girl, and Nicole gets all pissed off (oooh, the drama.)
And now onto the Rotten Apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Coral. Everyone hates you. Shut up while you're ahead. And for God's sake, invest in a new CD.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment:
Coral - "Picking on people makes you feel better!" Ah, you're right. Coral, you're a waste of space, your forehead is way too big, and you look retarded in your Indian get-ups. (pause) Gee, I feel so much better now!
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
never, ever, ask Mike to tell you a joke.
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