|
EPISODE #1006 |
alternatively titled:
Mommy, why can't black men date white women? |
SHUT UP, NICOLE. |
|
PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: So, it's like this. I had the whole review written, and just like that, the power goes out. So I give this to you, my second-rate, re-written crapper version of the original review. Of course, I'm hitting the save button obsessively after every third word. Enjoy.
Previously on the Real World: Coral hates Mike. Kevin disses Lori.
This week on the Real World: Nicole hates Malik. And Kevin. Come on, people, where's the love?
Yep, another week, another episode of watching people yell at each other (yawn).
The episode opened with Malik declaring that he's (gasp!) dated a white girl. Just as Nicole was getting all pissed off at the very thought of Mr. Afro getting it on with Mrs. Fields, Malik smoothed things over by saying, "I like big butts and I can not lie!" That calmed her down. For about five seconds.
Later, in the bedroom, Mike said, "Maybe it's like that 8th grade thing, where Nicole just picks on Malik because she likes him!" Spoken from a true master. When it takes you six years to complete a grade level, I guess you become pretty knowledgable about the behavior of kids that age.
Next came one of Nicole's many "feel bad for me" clips of the night. She was complaining to the roommates for what seemed like an eternity about how rough she had it growing up. Her brothers hated her. Her sisters thought she was a bitch. Her family was on welfare. And she missed tons of important mail, because her postman never, ever rang twice. Poor thing. She was crying so much that her eyes were as red as her heinous eyeshadow.
In the next scene, Malik actually had the nerve to flirt with a white girl at the bar. What's wrong with him? Doesn't he know he's black? And she's white? How dare he! (Heavy sarcasm there, people.)
As soon as Malik got home, Nicole was on his case faster than a shark to a menstruating surfer. "Why are you dating outside your race? You have an afro! You are black! She was white! I know you are but what am I?" Seriously, if she were any more up his ass about this whole black/white thing, she would be forever lost in a chunk of his large intestine.
The two proceeded to argue back and forth for another five minutes, and it went a little something like this:
Nicole: "You with a white woman? Come on! You're the first one to pick out your 'fro!"
Malik: "But, uhh, I..."
Nicole: "This is bullshit! You are black! Stop dating white girls!"
Malik: "It's not like that, we just talked for..."
Nicole: "You wear afrocentric t-shirts, but have the nerve to slap me in the face by talking to a white girl??"
Malik: "I, uhh, like big butts and I can not lie?"
Nice try, Malik.
Thank God. The first commercial break. I needed a breather and some time to pop a few Advils. All this fighting and yelling was enough to make me wish Buffy was here so she could drive a stake through my skull.
After some more fighting about interracial dating, Malik, Mike, and Kevin walked down the street to be extras in some random rap video. Of course, when they were done filming, Malik invited everyone back to the house so they could hang out. So there they were, dozens of rappers hanging out at 632 Hudson. I was half expecting Dr. Dre and Ed Lover to jump out from behind the sofa to announce they were filming the comeback show of YO! MTV Raps. But alas, there will be no comeback... just more of Mike talking ebonics to Malik's rapper friends. He actually said to one guy, "Yeah, we all tight, we like brothas from anotha motha! Hey, wanna hear a joke? So this white guy walks down the street to the store...."
Meanwhile, Coral was more pissed off than David Hasselhoff was after he finally realized everyone in America thinks he sucks ass. She reached way down deep into her pocket and pulled out her middle finger, which she then proceeded to proudly wave in the faces of all the houseguests. Wow! I'm so impressed! Not only is she intelligent, but she's hospitable, too.
Apparently, Malik had been complaining to Kevin about what a wench Nicole's been to him. Kevin decided to confront Nicole about her nasty attitude:
Kevin: "I don't like the way you argue."
Nicole: "Shut up. You're WHITE! White, white, WHIIITE!"
Kevin: "Stop yelling."
Nicole: "Screw off! Go vote for George Bush again or something. WHITE!"
Kevin: "Don't point your finger in my face."
Nicole: "I am black and you have no idea where I'm coming from. My mom argues, my dad argues, and I argue!"
Kevin: "You are pathetic."
Nicole: "AHHH! WHITE!"
Phew. The second commercial break. I decided I could no longer wait around for Buffy, so I grabbed a stake and shoved it through my own skull. It numbed the pain. But only for a second.
After the break, Nicole told Malik that he "wasn't a brotha" anymore. Malik immediately pulled down his pants to show Nicole the goods. She immediately recanted the statement, and instructed Malik not to talk to anyone white about their arguments. (Sniff, do I smell reverse-racism?)
Finally, Nicole and Malik went for a walk to air out more of their dirty laundry. I say keep it inside, people, I don't want to smell you any more than I already have to. But alas, the two of them put on their jackets and kept their distance from any and all white people and tried to smooth things over. Nicole said she didn't want to fight with Malik, but apparantly she was lying. It wasn't five minutes into the walk before Nicole morphed into Mike Tyson and bit off Malik's left ear. Ouch. That'll leave a mark. In any event, this is how the rest of the argument panned out:
Nicole: "I expected a lot from you. And what did you go and do? You ran off to the bar and talked to a white woman!"
Malik: "But my mother is white!"
Nicole: "I don't care about that bitch! You are black! Date black!"
Malik: "But Marcus Garvey..."
Nicole: "I wouldn't date his black ass either! You see if I invite you to any more of my "Black People Only" Parties!"
Malik: "But... we just..."
Nicole: "Me Black. You Black. Black. Black. White. Black. WHITE."
Malik: "But wait! I can quote Sir Mix-A-Lot! 36-24-36, only if she's 5'3??"
I so desperately wanted Malik to tell Nicole to pull the oversized pole out of her ass. But instead, he was the bigger man and said, "Not everyone likes you. You have to deal with that." Damn it, Malik. This is the Real World, not Sesame Street. Grow some balls.
Look, Nicole. This is 2001. Black men can date white women. A little advice? Run, don't walk, to your favorite video store. It's called Jungle Fever. Rent it. Live it. Learn it. Love it.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end.Be sure to secure all glass items and tape up your windows before watching next week's episode, because Lori is a-singin, and let's just say it won't be pretty. Damn, now where did I put those earplugs?
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
NICOLE. I haven't heard so much about Black and White since Oreo started marketing their new doublestuffed cookie. Give it a rest.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
ANYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF NICOLE'S
MOUTH. Second runner-up was Mike: "We're brothas from
anotha motha!" Puhh-lease. Gag me with the hugest spoon
you can find.
|
|
This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
if you're a black man and you want to date a white woman, don't have an afro or wear afrocentric t-shirts, or Nicole will hunt you down and beat you silly!
|
