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EPISODE #1007 |
alternatively titled:
LORI'S SINGING AGAIN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! |
SHUT UP, LORI! |
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Previously on the Real World: Nicole bitches at Malik for dating white girls, even though they are both HALF WHITE.
This week on the Real World: Lori sings (if that's what you want to call it.)
Yep, another week, another episode of the "Real" World.
The episode opened with Lori passing a kidney stone the size of Camryn Manheim (or at least that's what it sounded like she was doing.) Good Lord. In actuality, she was singing. But I swear, she was screaming so loud that Helen Keller could have heard her from the grave. Obnoxious screeching noises like the ones emitting from her mouth made me wish I had a Miracle Ear just so I could crank it down a few notches and watch the episode in peace without my eardrums feeling like they'd shattered into 8 billion pieces.
So here's Lori sitting at the computer with earphones on, eyes closed so she couldn't see how retarded she looked, moaning and groaning the word "Whoa" over and over. Her face was doing more gymnastics than Mary Lou Retton on her floor routine at the Olympics. She sounded absolutely wretched. Somewhere in America, Aretha Franklin clutched her hand to her chest and fell to the ground. Poor woman. Apparently she couldn't make it to the mute button in time. The horrid sounds were just too much for her to bear.
Cut to all the roommates looking tortured as Lori continued her moaning. Rachel finally said, "Lori, STOP SINGING!" Lori said, "That's like asking me not to breathe!" Hell, at this point, that doesn't sound like too bad of an option. By all means. If that's what it will take for you to stop singing, then please... stop breathing.
Lori got sick of everyone telling her to shut up, so she grabbed Coral's walkman and went onto the roof to sing. That was a disaster. Every male cat in a 50-mile radius made it's way to 632 Hudson because they mistook Lori's voice for a feline mating call. And the sounds of people screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH!" from their windows and balconies filled the air. God, I love New York.
Kevin then likened Lori's voice to a "seal in labor" and proceeded to hand out earplugs to the guys in the house. They didn't work. He should have read the fine print on the package: will not block out sounds of jackhammers, atomic bomb explosions, or Lori singing the word WHOA."
Cut to the roommates scouring the streets for people to attend their stupid Arista focusgroups. Mike said, "I'm targeting grungy people... people who look like me." Do I even need to write a joke for that one? Gee, thanks, Mike! You're pretty funny after all!
Next, Lori (she's not just the hairclub president, she's also a client!) went to CBGB's to recruit more people. There, she met up with some losers who were looking for a "female voice" in their band. They invited her to come and audition with them. Poor guys. They had no idea just how badly Lori sucked. Seriously, if they are looking for a female sound, Lori isn't the way to go. They would be far better off just strapping themselves into tightie whities 9 sizes too small. That way, they'll achieve the sound they're going for without scaring small children and turning away all their fans.
Back home, Lori was stressing while telling Malik about her audition. She said, "I'm nervous, because if they don't like my voice, my career will be over!" Right, honey, like your career rests in the hands of 5 acne-faced teenagers who beat on pots and pans in their mommy's garage.
After the commercial, Lori was telling the rest of the roommates about her audition. She said, "I'm auditioning for a band!" and then proceeded to laugh at herself, as if she knew how funny those words sounded as they left her mouth. Everyone in America laughed when she said those words, too. No, we weren't laughing WITH her, we were laughing AT her.
Next we were treated to a gem of a clip. Nicole was making phonecalls reminding everyone to show up at the focus group. She called this one kid and said, "Hi, this is Nicole from Artista records...." Excuse me? Artista records? Look, honey, you're not working for a company that represents Dali and Monet. Get your act together, because you're sounding more stupid than a Carrot-top comedy bit.
Cut to the first focus group of the night (Kevin, Nicole, Malik, and Rachel's group.) The recruits were uninterested and not even remotely entertained, kind of like the majority of us are while watching each episode of Real World New York. The group basically told Adam and Devin that the band in question wreaked worse than Louie Anderson after baking in the sun for two hours, and left.
Next it was time for the second focus group of the night (Mike, Lori, and Coral's.) Lori's prospective bandmates showed up, but where were Mike's groupies? Will they show up? Will they not? Will Mike get fired from his job? Will Carrie actually marry Aiden? Ah, sorry, wrong series. Bunim & Murray made us sweat it out until the next commercial in their pathetic attempt at a cliffhanger. Talk about a nailbiter!
Mike's recruits finally showed up, and the focus group members kissed the ass of the Arista Exec's and raved about the band. Goodie bags were handed out after the meeting. Included in the bags was paint thinner, so the recruits would be able to remove the brown stains from their noses when they got home.
Cut to Lori making her way to the studio for her tryout with the band. Yes. She sang again (some lame freestyle about how hard it was living in the Real World house.) And let me be the first to say that I've heard birthing farm animals making sounds far more pleasing to the ear than the sorts of things that were coming out of her mouth. Finally, she stopped singing, and one of the guys came over to her and said, "Man, you really blew me up!" I didn't know if that was good or bad. Was he talking about his eardrums? Did his heart explode from the shock of such God-awful noises? No! They loved her, and invited her to join their band.
(Editorial: Let's see. What is the more realistic option? A) They really, really liked Lori's voice (ha ha!) or B) These guys let Lori join their band just because she's on the Real World, and MTV would be there filming them all the time and they suck so badly that they need all the exposure they can get. Decide amongst yourselves.)
Back at the house, Lori announced to everyone that she made it into the band, and that she's "Never been in a band before." No way, Lori! You've got to be kidding! With a voice like that, one would naturally assume Patti LaBelle would be beating down your door to have you sing backup on her album! Rachel then said, "Congrats, you made new friends, and I'm gonna mooch on them!" See? Maybe this wasn't all bad. Now Rachel will have something to do other than drawing her version of a penis on her ramshackle Lite-Brite.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end.
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
LORI. The only person I know who could make me clasp my hands to my ears faster than "The Nanny."
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
The random bandmate: "You blew me up something fierce!" What the hell does that mean, anyway? Can I buy a vowel?
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
if you hear Lori singing, run for your life before the same thing that happened to poor Aretha Franklin happens to you. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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