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EPISODE #1009 |
alternatively titled:
THE RUDE -vs- THE NUDE |
Mom, I saw a penis! |
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Come on! Help me out, will ya please?
Previously on the Real World: Sno-o-o-re central.
This week on the Real World: Rachel sees a real-live penis!
Yep, another week, another episode of the "Real" World New York.
The episode opened with the real worlders getting a delivery. Malik looked at the television monitor and saw a guy standing at the door holding a big brown package. He held down the intercom button and asked, "Who is it?" Duh. Who the hell do you think it is?
Ed McMahon arriving to hand you your $10,000,000 Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes check? Open the damn door and let's get on with it already!
The package revealed that the roommates would be going to Morocco in just six hours. Six hours! How would Nicole ever be able to pack all her make-up with such short notice?
The boys decided to go play basketball instead of packing. Actually, they weren't playing much of anything. The clip looked like something out of the movie White Men Can't Jump... except in this case, it would have been titled White Men, And Malik, Can't Jump, So Instead They Just Sit On The Bench And Watch Everyone Else Play.
(Completely Irrelevant Side Note #1: No, you're not the only one sick of Gary Conduit's face.)
Within the next 12 seconds, the roommates were packed, on a bus, and in Morocco. Golly, time sure does fly when you have a $100,000 trip handed to you on a silver platter!
Coral wasn't in Morocco for five minutes before she was decked out head to toe in full Hindu apparel. And it wasn't ten minutes before the first Hindu woman threw a rock at Coral's forehead. Please, with a target like that, how could they miss?
Of course, MTV put the real worlders up in the most posh place they could find (hence another 10 minutes of "oohs" and "aahs" while the roommates checked out their resort.) Mike was the worst. He was more excited than Ron Jeremy after consuming a bucket of oysters after he got a look at the bathroom. He said, "Wow, I could sit in here for hours!" Glad you like it, Mike, because if you drink any water before boiling it, your ass will definitely become mighty acquainted with that fancy Moroccan toilet. Enjoy.
Meanwhile, on the streets, Nicole was bitching about how miserable and hot she was. Psst, that's why we don't wear jean jackets in the middle of the desert, honey. It's called common sense.
Cut to the roommates talking about "the incident" on the plane. Can you believe it? All hell broke loose when the real worlders, seated in coach, learned that the people in first-class got gold plated barf bags and extra salt on their peanuts. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.
(Completely Irrelevant Side Note #2: No, you're not the only one who wants Miss Cleo to die a slow, painful death.)
The real worlders were peacefully enjoying lunch outside their resort when suddenly... an RV pulled up, and out came the road rulers. The real worlders ran towards them faster than a teenage boy to the bathroom after watching 10 minutes of scrambled porn. Coral couldn't have cared less that they were there. She was about as excited as I was when I learned that NSYNC would be performing a concert in my town. Ooh, Lance, you look so sexy in red suede pants! (tip for the really clueless: I DO NOT GET EXCITED BY NSYNC. Backstreet, maybe.)
(Tip for the really, really, really clueless: the Backstreet thing was a joke, too.)
After the first commercial break, Rachel and Blair ran off and found a quiet place to talk. In reality, they were giggling and hitting each other like two 3rd graders who just realized that flirting was much more fun than eating paste.
(Completely Irrelevant Side Note #3: Why the hell would anyone buy green ketchup? Could anything be nastier?)
Back at the resort, Rachel borrowed a painfully ugly shirt from Cindy Brady and stepped into the confessional to alert us that Nicole and Coral "make fun of her." Nicole then told Coral, "Hee hee, I ignored Rachel's story!" and Coral said, "You sound like a man!" Gee, That usually happens when you ARE a man. Nicole panicked at the thought that someone might be onto her, so she immediately stepped on the tack she keeps in her shoe and repeated the sentence 4 octaves higher. "I ignored Rachel's story!" Oh, that was much more womanly. Completely took my mind off of your broad shoulders and your man-in-drag face. Good job.
The scene where the two casts went to dinner was the best footage I've seen all season. Adam, from Road Rules, finally put Coral in her place. Their conversation went a little something like this:
Adam: "So wait, you step into Salvation Army, buy a turtleneck, wrap it around your head, and call it fashion?"
Coral: "You're dumb!"
Adam: "I can't wait to get back to the desert so I can trade you for camels."
Coral: "Shut up!"
Meanwhile, Mike was evesdropping on the conversation, more excited than a kid who just got a Red Ryder BB Gun on Christmas morning. That's right, Mike. Aim it at Coral. Shoot her eye out.
After the second commercial break, Rachel and Lori confronted Nicole and Coral about their bad attitudes. Blah, blah, blah. I wasn't paying attention to the conversation. I spent the whole time wondering how Nicole got all that make-up on the plane. You're only allowed two bags, for the love of all that is good and holy. Nicole's motto? "Take the blush. Leave the canoli."
(Completely Irrelevant Side Note #4: Clowns are evil and disturbing. It is no accident that the word "clown" rhymes with other upsetting words, like "drown," "frown," "hospital gown," and "yellowish-brown.")
Later that night, while Coral and Nicole were tucked away snugly in their shared bed, Mike and Adam got naked and jumped in the pool. Everyone was frolicking the night away having a grand ole time, except Ellen. She had to run away before she got splashed and as a result, melted.
And Blair, well, he took off his pants and ran into the pool at the speed of light just so no one would be able to notice how small his penis was. Rachel then said, "Ooh, my mom would kill me if she knew what was going on!" That's right, Rachel. You remember what happened last Christmas, and once this show airs, I'm predicting a silent Labor Day. No Bar-B-Q for you, honey!
All this nudity must have made the MTVer's tired. Blair said, "I never say this, but I'm going to bed." That's right. Blair is on his 7,300 consecutive sleepless day. Guess that explains his attraction to Rachel, and those pesky bags under his eyes. Nonetheless, Rachel really likes Blair. She said, "There are so many things about him that make him special." You can say that again. The kid's so special that he needs his own Olympics.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
NiCoral. Take your pick. They're one and the same, in my book.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Mike: "I love this bathroom! I could spend all day in here!" Yeah, Mike, wouldn't it be rad? We could put the keg in the tub! Wouldn't that be bitchen?
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
don't go to Morocco unless you have a shitload of money, or you'll be really, really disappointed.
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