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EPISODE #1011 |
alternatively titled:
AHHH! BEEF LOG!!! |
Lori? The next Vanilla Ice. |
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Previously on the Real World: Mike has sex! And with a real-live human, no less!
This week on the Real World: Uh, nothing happened.
Yep, another week, another episode of the "Real" World New York.
The episode opened with a few painful clips of Lori moaning and groaning into a microphone. I thought the moaning sounded familiar to me because MTV had already aired the same clip a few weeks ago, but that wasn't it at all. Just last night I heard similar noises coming out of my roommate's mouth shortly after he ate a plate full of my mom's leftover meatloaf. Hmm. I wonder if my mom's been secretly shipping Lori some leftover loaf. That would surely explain a lot.
Next, Lori went to rehearse with the same loser band she met up with two weeks ago. Everything went well, except for one minor problem: THEY HAVE NO LYRICS. Please. One would think these dweebs would find a little time to scrawl down some lyrics in between Scooby Doo re-runs and jacking off to the new issue of Rolling Stone. Let's get real. Their chances of making it are smaller than Jackie Chan's dick on a cold day.
Lori suddenly had an epiphany. "This band isn't in it to make it," she exclaimed. Wow. Someone give her a cookie. With extra chocolate chips. Hell, if she isn't going to be a lead singer in a band, she might as well be fat.
Next, Lori dragged Malik and Rachel with her to see Dave, another dweeb who was putting Lori's vocals on some of his horriffic background music. Rachel seemed impressed, and said, "Wow, it was crazy to think a voice like that could come out of someone so bald."
Back at the house, Coral and Nicole were lying in their perma-spots on the couch (do they ever move?) Coral said, "I haven't had too many instances when people were unhappy with my work." Coral's nose suddenly and unexpectedly grew several inches.
Back at work, Adam and Devin needed two people to work the 112 appearance at a record store.
As soon as Nicole heard Coral volunteered, she flung her hand up in the air and squirmed around in her chair like that annoying girl we all knew in high school who knew the answers to everything (except how to wear clothes that matched.) Either she wanted to work with Coral, or she really had to do pee-pee and wanted to ask permission before going. The choice is yours.
Coral and Nicole went to "work" the 112 appearance. Their job? To organize and control gaggles of snotty-nosed, cell-phone clad pre-teen girls. "Stand in line!" "Have your CD insert out!" "Keep it moving!" These two were perfect for the menial job, considering that both of them combined don't even harbor the brain power of Pamela Anderson after smoking a joint the size of Manhattan.
The next day, Adam and Devin had a surprise for the roommates. A company car? No. Tickets to a great concert? Nope. Seven exclusive passes to Burt Reynold's salon to watch him get his back waxed? No, no, no. Why, Adam and Devin took the roommates to meet LA Reid, the big cheese at Arista. Mike was upset. He really wanted that pass to Burt's salon.
Back home, Coral and Nicole told Lori to approach LA about her singing. Lori said, "I don't know the best approach to making it in the music industry!" Oh come on, Lori. We all know the answer to that one. You walk into his office wearing nothing but a pair of pumps and a see-through trashbag and agree to be his sex slave. Hey, if it worked for Mariah "I wear less clothes in each video than I did in the one before" Carey, it can work for you, too.
Lori must have worked up an appetite from all the moaning she was doing this episode. She declared, "I'm hungry!" and her friend said, "Hey, you have that beef log. Eat it with some cheese." Excuse me, but did she say BEEF LOG? And did she actually suggest that Lori eat the log of beef, instead of tossing it into the fireplace to keep the fire burning? Ugh, BEEF LOG? Seriously, I've heard school children refer to their feces with names less disgusting than that.
I don't know. Beef log sounds like a horrid Christmas present you'd get from your crazy Aunt Cecile. And where the hell have I been? I've never heard of this log of beef. Can you go into a restaurant and order it off the menu? "I'll have a coke, a side salad, and the beef log, please."
The next day, or the day before (who the hell knows with B&M's editing), Lori met up with yet another dweeb named Nicky. Now, little Nicky just happened to be looking for vocalists, and little Lori just happened to have a demo tape she could give to him. Personally, I don't trust any man older than 30 who adds a "-y" to the end of his name, but Lori's more desperate than Susan Lucci at the Emmy's, and as a result, decided to meet up with him again later to exchange tapes.
In the next scene, inside the record store, Lori was talking to what I thought was a mannequin. No, no. It was RACHEL. Completely terrified, I took a deep breath and kept watching.
After the next set of commercials, the roommates went to work on the streets announcing that Koffee Brown would be signing autographs later that night. A homeless guy suddenly ran on camera, screamed, "Koffee Brown? I'm milk white, bitch! You want some?" and then mysteriously disappeared. The roomies were hard at work, holding up wooden signs and chanting random garble. Only thing is, I couldn't tell if they were trying to get people to go see Koffee Brown, or if they were trying to get people to boycott tuna (hey, it does harm the poor dolphins, you know.)
The next day, or, whenever, Coral and Nicole left early to go to work. Nicole said, "It's snowing in April. What's going to happen next?" Ooh, I know! I know! Nicole and Coral are going to leave early for work?
At work, the boss-man said he had a present for Coral. He reached behind his desk and pulled out a big, shiny poster of 112. It was sitting right next to the big, shiny posters of Def Leppard, REO Speedwagon, and Huey Louis. What a great gift, a big poster of a band that is more out than Melissa Etheridge. But hey, it's the thought that counts (unless we're talking about that whole beef log thing.)
Next, Lori went back to give little Nicky a copy of her demo CD. After ranking on its chipped cover and the horrid artwork of an apparent sumo wrestler on the front, little Nicky took the CD and vowed to listen to it. As soon as Lori left, little Nicky grabbed the CD and called in his friend little Dicky to show the cameras just how much the two of them totally kicked ass at ultimate frizbee.
Blah blah blah, Lori talking to Nicole and Coral:
Nicole: "This could be your big break! You're the next Britney!"
Coral: "Yeah, you know, I heard she was bald too and that's why she wears all that fake horse hair!"
Lori: "I don't want to be the next somebody, I want to be the first me!"
You are the first you, you idiot. And thank God, I might add. Hopefully, you'll be the LAST you, as well.
In the last clip o' the night, Lori went back to see Little Nicky. He said she was "really good" and offered to put her on a track. He said, "Come in, we'll just have fun. Just be sure to wear nothing but a pair of red pumps and a clear plastic garbage bag, and we'll have your career taking off in no time!"
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
THE BEEF LOG. Ahhhhhhh! Die, log, die!
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Lori: "I want to be the first me!" Oh, shut up, and give up on this whole singing thing already. Your moaning, uh, I mean your singing, is hurting my dog's ears.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
stay away from THE LOG... and my mother's meatloaf.
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