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EPISODE #1012 |
alternatively titled:
MEET THE PARENTS |
Let the fish GO. |
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Previously on the Real World: Attack of the 50-foot beef log!
This week in a nutshell: Mike's parents show up. Malik spends 3/4 of the episode repeatedly letting us know that he grew up poor and without a father.
Yep, another week, another episode of the "Real" World New York.
The episode opened with song lyrics repeating over and over: "I don't like anyone in the world!" The cameras zoomed in on Nicole's clown-face as the song played. I was half expecting MTV to put together a Baywatch-esque photo montage of Nicole sitting by herself on the subway, stealing food from homeless men, and tripping nuns as they tried to cross the street, but there was no such montage for me. MTV must be saving the footage for next week's Nicole photo montage, set to the lyrics "I'm a creepy bitch and I'm sad because when I die, I won't be able to apply my own make-up for my funeral."
Cut to Nicole in the living room talking to the fish. She pointed to one of the fish and said, "Hey Puff Daddy, do your trick!" The fish immediately pulled out a gun and puffed out its cheeks until they were wider than Big Poppa's ass. Wow. Who says you can't teach an old fish new tricks?
Mike got a phonecall. It was his mom letting him know that she and dad would be coming to New York to visit him. Mike was more excited than a 15 year old computer geek who just downloaded some nude photos of Britney Spears off the internet to hear this news, since his parents haven't done anything together since their divorce (except bitch about who would gain ownership of every piece of crap they bought since they got married). Later that day, all the roommates were in the living room discussing their parents' marital status. We learned that all of the roommates' parents are divorced. Gee, I was about as surprised to hear that as I was when I heard that Sam Kinison died of a heart attack.
Cut to Mike and Malik in a restaurant. They had enough rolls on their table to feed Sally Struthers and all her starving children for at least a month. Malik said that when he was young, his father took all his family's money and then left them to be with his new girlfriend. Wow, and to think I thought my father was a prick just because he wouldn't let me stay up to watch the end of the Wizard of Oz when I was 8.
Malik then said that he has tons of relatives on his father's side, and surprise, they all happen to live in New York! The very thought of meeting them had Malik more nervous than Mike Tyson's dentist.
After the break, Mike's mom and dad arrived a the house. Mike was the spitting image of his father. And Mike's mother, well, let's just say she's uglier than Tori Spelling after getting hit in the face by a 2x4. Coral said she looked like a "Dallas Cowboy cheerleader", but the only organization this woman would be cheering for is Alpo, to push its new chicken-basted dog nuggets. And looks aside, she's married to a racist prick. (Did I really use the word "prick" twice so far in this review? I think I did. But I digress.)
Cut to Malik running outside to meet his Grandma Ruby. Also along for the ride with Ms. Ruby were Uncle Emerald and Aunt Topaz. They regretted to tell Malik that Cousins Jade and Onyx couldn't make it. Malik then willingly got in the car with a bunch of virtual strangers and took off. Malik! You can't just get in the car with people claiming to be your relatives! Didn't you ever see Annie? I hope you know what you're doing. Pun-Jab won't be there to save your ass if you don't.
Back to Mike at dinner with his parents and Kevin. Mike's dad went off on a rant about how segregated Cleveland was, and how he wouldn't hire "niggers." Kevin said, "Wow, I didn't realize Cleveland was like that, and I definitely didn't realize you were such a PRICK." (Hell, let's make it 3. I'm on a roll.)
Cut to Malik eating at a restaurant with his gemstone family. The girls didn't want to go out to eat with them because it was too "cold" outside. They also don't want to go out when it rains because they're afraid they'll melt. I'm glad they stayed home, because when Coral, Nicole, and Rachel get together, they're more annoying than Jewel yodeling the Star Spangled Banner.
Later that night, Mike and Kevin were walking home. Mike was rambling about how much he's changed. Cut to Kevin. Kevin's neck was twitching. I'm not talking about a little twitch, either. Seriously, this neck was more spastic than Jim Carrey during one of his acceptance speeches. This neck was moving more than Mary Lou Retton during her floor routine. Next time you see the episode, be sure to notice. It was hysterical.
After the commercial break, Puff Daddy (the fish, not the artist) died. What a pity. Fear not, he's on his way to join Tupac in that big aquarium in the sky. Nicole put on an all-black outfit, grabbed the dead fish out of the tank, and proceeded to bury it IN A HOUSEPLANT. Are you kidding me? That could be the most disturbing thing I have ever seen in my life. Imagine the consequences!
HOUSEGUEST: "Sure, I'll have a soda. Wow, what a lovely plant! Is that a fern? I think it is, because..... PU, what is that smell? (sniff) It smells like fish!"
NICOLE: "Girl, if you're playing that fishy crotch game again, I'll kick your ass."
HOUSEGUEST: "No, I really smell dead fish! What is that?"
NICOLE: "Oh, I forgot. I buried Puff Daddy in that plant. So, what kind of soda do you want?"
Next, Malik's friends came to New York from L.A. to celebrate his 24th birthday with him. Good thing Malik clarified who the random people were in the kitchen of the Real World house, because I was starting to think that a Star Trek convention had set up shop right there by the refrigerator. Dorks? Yes indeedy. Mike said, "Wow, Malik's friends are so diverse! All my friends are idiots!"
Later that night, all Malik's friends and the roommates sang "Happy Birthday" to him, with the exception of Nicole. She was sitting on her fat ass in her perma-place on the sofa reading a book called "CRUDDY." Need I say more?
In the last scene of the night, the "I don't like anyone in the world" song came back in all its glory, as MTV aired clips of Nicole wandering around the house alone to help us all realize once and for all what a complete and total mega-dweeb she is. Finally, we saw Nicole getting ready for bed. She made a mad dash from the bathroom to the bedroom, hiding her face with her hands so the camera couldn't show us all that she looks like Dennis Franz without her make-up. She crawled into bed, wearing a swimcap and a pair of goggles. I didn't know if she was going to be sleeping, or suiting up to swim across the Atlantic in record time. The choice is yours.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Mike's Parents. Why? Isn't it obvious? THEY MADE MIKE.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Nicole: "The fish need to know someone cares." Yeah, hi, you might want to go talk to the plants to keep them nice and healthy, because they won't think you care very much about their well-being considering that you dropped FISH GUTS on them.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
don't name your fish after rappers. It's just plain gay.
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