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EPISODE #1013 |
alternatively titled:
DESPERATION MAKES IMMATURE GIRLS DO SOME STUPID THINGS |
That's one HOT doorman. |
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Previously on the Real World: Mike and Malik hang out with relatives (snore central).
This week in a nutshell: Boys kiss Arista's ass, and the girls finally realize what desperate losers they are.
Yep, another week, another episode of the "Real" World New York.
The episode opened with Coral deciding the girls should get together and have a "margarita night." They were wearing leis. Leis are Hawaiian. Margaritas are not Hawaiian. I just don't see the connection. In any event, it got me feeling all nostalgic and wishing that Ruthie would kick down the door, rap about the size of Coral's forehead, and then proceed nearly drop dead in the bathroom again. Nothin' like some good ol' Real World drama!
But alas, there would be no near-death experiences on this episode of the Real World, just Lori saying that she really wanted "love and affection." The Nelson boys randomly appeared on camera, waved their hair wildly about, and left mysteriously. Lori was not satisfied.
Lori then said she was sick of hooking up, and instead wanted "someone to gaze with." Galileo, who was summoned back to life once he heard Lori's call, mysteriously appeared next to a window in the Real World house. He pointed his telescope towards the heavens and asked Lori to gaze at the stars with him. Lori still wasn't satisfied. Hurt and dejected, Galileo packed up his telescope and left.
Cut to the girls talking about whom they would rather date, Adam or Devin. Oh, what fine specimens they are! Adam is barely taller than the weeds I just pulled from my garden, and Devin has more hair on his ass then he does on his head. Sniff, sniff, do I smell desperation? Who are they going to start fantasizing about next, Hugh Downs and Louie Anderson?
The girls made a pact to each go out on a date with someone new by the end of April. Guys, you should have at least picked a month with 31 days. You're going to need all the extra time you can get to achieve that little feat. Only these four dweeby girls could have such a hard time finding a date in one of the most populous cities in the world, with MTV camera crews following them around, to boot!
Cut to Coral and Lori scouring the streets looking for a new specimen to date when suddenly, they spot a gorgeous guy working the door at a jewelry store. Lori wanted to go talk to him, but she was apprehensive. So Coral "triple dog dared her" to go talk to him. Excuse me, but "triple dog dare you?" Don't people stop saying that when they're, like, 9? What's next? Will Coral challenge Lori to a game of Cat's Cradle? Loser has to go get the hot boy's digits? Please. These two need to grow up. Seriously, the whole scene was more annoying to watch than a spray-on hair infomercial.
Lori finally decided to go talk to Jerry, the jewelry store doorman. Frankly, that sounds like a bad character from Saturday Night Live, but I digress. Lori said, "I've seen you a lot" and Jerry said, "I've seen you too," and then Lori left. She got nothing accomplished. Please. I've seen one-armed, blind midgets on Jerry Springer making more progress with their "secret crushes" than Lori made with this doorman.
Meanwhile, back at the office, the boys were preparing to work a RUN-DMC sneaker-autographing session. Kevin and Malik were ready to go, but Mike was in the bathroom. Devin knocked on the bathroom door and Mike came out, newspaper in hand. Once the stench from that bathroom spread, the office cleared out faster than a Carnival Fun-Ship once the passengers found out Kathie Lee would be on board.
Back home at the Real World house, Lori drew a poster that read "Arista Kiss Ass" and proceeded to hang it over Mike's bed. And she wonders why she's having a hard time finding a date? I think my bank loan has a higher level of maturity than she does.
After the commercial break, Lori decided to stalk... oh, ahem, walk by Jerry the Jewelry Store Doorman one more time. This time, Lori said, "You're the doorman! You lure people in!" Har har har! That's a regular knee-slapper. Lori is a lot of things, but funny is not one of them. Popular comedians all over this fine world were dropping dead, just so they could roll over in their graves. Anyway, Jerry invited her to come back tomorrow for a "tour" of the jewelry store. Wow, that sure does sound rivoting. "This is a door. And this is a counter. This is a wall. And this is the million-dollar necklace that is worth more than your head in gold."
The next day (that's about 2 seconds in Real World time), Lori went back to the jewelry store AGAIN. As soon as Jerry saw her, he immediately hid his face under his jacket. Was he checking to see if he smelled, or was he as frightened as I was by the hideous dress Lori was wearing? The choice is yours. In any event, he said he "picked the worst possible day" for Lori to come for a tour, and then pushed her out into oncoming traffic in hopes she would get hit by a bus. Lori STILL didn't get the hint, and asked when she could come back. He told her to come back tomorrow. Gee, you think she'll go back tomorrow?
At work, Lori announced that she was "such a dork!" No one disagreed. Nicole told Lori that she had to ask if Jerry-Jer was married. Cut to some stock footage of New York City, with Lori screaming "NOOOO!" in the background. I couldn't tell if she was perplexed about Jerry, or if she had just gotten a whiff of Mike's earlier bathroom venture.
Cut to Rachel -ANNOYINGLY- crunching away on dry cereal in the kitchen, with Mike just sitting there staring at her. After what seemed like an hour of us just listening to Rachel chew, Mike finally said, "I'm so hot. It's hot in here. The concert was hot. Who hung the poster over my bed?" Rachel said, "It was all Lori! I had nothing to do with it! Lori did it!" The camera then panned to Rachel's fingers. They were crossed. She sure is tricky!
Back upstairs, Lori found out that Rachel said she had nothing to do with the sign. Oh, what drama! How will this little dilemma ever resolve itself! Cut to Rachel sitting by herself on the living room sofa, decked out in leopard print PJ's. I was half expecting the Crocodile Hunter to leap on her and to go into a 12 minute speech on how quickly a croc could eat a leopard if it was hungry enough. Crikies!
------ We interrupt this review to bring you breaking news of a horrific commercial on television.
Cut to the second commercial break. Since they showed this commercial for the 3rd time in 16 minutes here on the east coast, I decided I had to comment on it. It's the new Taco Bell commercial, with two complete and total dweebs sitting around eating some Taco Bell. One guy goes, "Why, is that the new CQ?" and the other guy goes, "Why yes, it is the new chicken quesadilla!" And then the first guy asks, "Is that the one with the 3MC?" and the other guy answers, "Yes! It's the one with the three melted cheeses!" Arhhh. This continued for another 27 seconds. I wanted to hang myself. This is definitely one of the worst commercials I've ever seen. In fact, I'd even venture to say that it's RFG. REALLY FUCKING GAY.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled review. ------
The next day, Lori went back AGAIN to see Jerry. She finally got her tour of the jewelry store. This was some rivoting footage, I'll tell ya. Three whole minutes of Jerry putting jewelry on her. Taking jewelry off her. Lori staring at Jerry. Jerry hiding from Lori. And then, in comes some random guy explaining where all the jewelry that Lori was trying on came from. He said, "This was the cross Madonna wore on her wedding day. This here is the bracelet OJ was wearing when he killed his wife. Over here is the pinky ring worn by Dennis Franz the very day he bared his hairy ass to the public. And on your shirt, take note of the pin we randomly found in John Goodman's unflushed toilet." Dis-gusting.
After the jewelry tour, Lori asked Jerry to go out that night. He looked more stressed out than Captian Hook the day his doctor told him he had jock itch, and said tonight was a "bad night." Lori STILL didn't get the hint, and asked if she could give him her phone number. He finally admitted that he was "practically married." Practically married? There's no such thing. Either you're married or you're not. It's like being a "little bit pregnant." It just can't happen.
Rejected! And to think, Lori only had to make a fool of herself 4 times before she got the hint!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Little. Annoying. Lying. Rachel.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Lori. "You're the door guy? You
lure people in!" What a witty, verbal gem! Why isn't
this chick writing for SNL?
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
don't ever do anything that Coral "triple dog dares" you to do. The results won't be pretty.
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