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EPISODE #1015 |
alternatively titled:
MORE VOMIT THAN I CARED TO SEE |
Barf Bag, Anyone? |
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Previously on the Real World: Mike fights back against Nicole!
This week in a nutshell: Nicole pukes. And pukes. And pukes.
"THIS SEASON OF THE REAL WORLD WAS SHOT IN NYC EARLIER THIS YEAR. WE HAVE CHOSEN TO SHOW THESE EPISODES UNALTERED AS A TESTAMENT TO THE LONGSTANDING HISTORY AND SPIRIT OF THIS GREAT CITY."
-TRANSLATION-
"WE ARE TOO LAZY TO GO BACK AND RE-EDIT THE REMAINING EPISODES OF REAL WORLD NEW YORK. IF YOU ARE UPSET BY ANYTHING YOU SEE, IT SUCKS TO BE YOU."
Yep, another week, another especially painful, not for the weak-stomached, episode of the "Real" World New York.
The episode opened with Nicole randomly explaining that she has a crush on some guy back home named "Bobby." Cut to Nicole running into the living room holding a package Bobby just sent to her. She said, "I hope it's not something like a thong. I'll never be able to fit my manhood into a thong!" But no! It wasn't a thong! It was a human head! Oh wait, that would have been exciting. Exciting things don't happen on Real World New York. In actuality, the package contained a hideous Hawaiian floral wrap skirt that any respectable Don Ho backup singer wouldn't be caught dead in.
Bobby randomly called the house again. He said he might be able to come to New York for a visit and a quick carjacking. Nicole was more excited than Martha Stewart during peak blueberry season to hear this news. But there's a problem! Nicole explained, "Bobby doesn't always keep his word. He promised he would never light his farts on fire in front of me anymore, but he keeps doing it." Guess that explains how Nicole's eyebrows got singed off. Wonder if the same thing happened to Whoopi? Hmm.
Cut to Coral, Nicole, and Lori having a little talk. Coral said, "I'm definitely learning a lot about myself here. Lori's taught me how to style my hair to make my forehead appear smaller, and thanks to Nicole, I've mastered the art of urinating while standing."
--WE INTERRUPT THIS REVIEW TO BRING YOU BREAKING NEWS:
Coral hugged Mike for no reason.
WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REVIEW--
Cut to Nicole running around the house screaming that "Bobby The Great" was coming on Saturday. I didn't know if this was the guy she was talking to on the phone before, or if it was her bookie coming to cut off her pinkies for not paying up. Bobby The Great. I just can't laugh without typing that. Sounds like some guy who would kick your ass if you beat him at checkers, not some intellectual womanizer.
Coral said, "Bobby's coming! We gotta get Coral some booty! Mission impossible." Thank you for coming up with a joke for that one, Coral. Way to be a team player.
Five minutes later, and what do you know! It's Saturday! Cut to Nicole in the mirror applying enough make-up for 82 circus clowns before getting in a taxi to go pick up "Bobby The Great" at the airport.
Sniff, sniff, is that hair grease I smell? Why yes, it is. Bobby had enough of it on his head to style the hair of every gang member in New York. He handed Nicole a red rose, and the two were on their way.
Later that night, Bobby got all decked out in his $19.99 Blue-Light Special suit. I don't know what he's so "great" at, but it certainly isn't dressing himself or styling his hair. In any event, the two sipped on some champagne as "Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw" by Jimmy Buffett played in the background. The editors wrote the words to the song on the bottom of the screen, so those of you who randomly went deaf mid-episode wouldn't miss out on one second of Real World action.
Two drinks and one bodyshot later, Nicole was off her ass. I just knew that somewhere in America, good ol' Ruthie was laughing her ass off. Please. If Nicole was any more of a lightweight, she'd be getting wasted off of the fumes from her mascara.
Bobby brought Nicole outside and got her a bottled water at a vendor, and bought himself some disgusting looking meat-on-a-stick. Real smooth, buddy. That's just what someone wants to be around when they're drunk, some nasty Central Park pigeon on a stick. Why not just shove her face in a dirty ashtray filled with cigarette butts and pork rinds.
Sure enough, Nicole ran away from the faux-beef and threw up into a garbage can. Bobby just laughed at her, while munching away on his beef log (SIGN #236 THAT A BOY IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.) Back home, Nicole sat on a chair in the living room, looking more worn out than the handle on Camryn Manheim's refrigerator. Bobby continued to laugh at her as he played pool on the other side of the room (SIGN #634 THAT A BOY IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.)
Coral ran to Nicole's rescue, and took her to the bathroom where she proceeded to throw up yet again. And if everyone watching at home wasn't feeling like they were going to vomit after watching this all-out puke-fest, they sure were reaching for their barfbags once the camera panned to Nicole's wretched post-vomit smeared make-up face.
Coral put some lipstick on Nicole, and sent her back to try to score with Bobby... but not before giving her a little advice. "He's never gonna kiss you if you keep throwing up!" Thank you, captain obvious. And I could be going out on a limb here, but shouldn't Coral have made Nicole, oh I don't know, BRUSH HER TEETH? What message is she trying to send? "Who cares if she reeks of vomit! At least her lips will look good."
Cut to Nicole sitting outside the Real World house with Bobby. She once again turned her head away from Bobby and proceeded to barf all over the place. Seriously, couldn't the editors just have INCINUATED to the audience that she was throwing up? Did we really need to witness the cheeseburger she ate for lunch being violently regurgitated? Thanks, but I'm all set with that.
And where have the other Real Worlders been all this time, you may be asking? Why,
they were frolicking around Central Park. Coral was really "letting loose." She smiled without simultaneously offering her middle finger, and she walked by a bum without spitting on him. Meanwhile, Mike jumped out of the rowboat the group rented and splashed around in the Central Park lake for awhile. When he finally got back in the boat, the flesh on 90% of his body had rotted off from the disgustingly infested water. Somebody pass that kid the number to Cher's plastic surgeon, and fast.
Cut to Nicole and Bobby in a taxi to the airport. Nicole asked for a kiss goodbye, and Bobby replied, "I can't kiss right now" (SIGN #952 THAT A BOY IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.) Yeah, I don't think the two will ever be kissing, unless of course Bobby learns to appreciate the beauty of chicks with dicks.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
NICOLE'S VOMIT. Seriously, enough's enough. She drank too much. We get the point.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Nicole. "Let me get Bobby drunk and take advantage of him! Hee hee hee, I'm 13!"
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember,
if you're trying to get with someone, don't vomit on their shoes.
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