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EPISODE #1017 |
alternatively titled:
RACHEL, EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
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Snore central. |
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Previously on the Real World: Lori sings "Respect", causing Aretha Franklin, who was watching the episode in her home, to spontaneously combust.
This week in a nutshell: Rachel tries to pole dance (TRIES is the imperative word there, folks.) Malik shags. And Mike continues his longstanding tradition of looking dumb on camera.
Yep, another week, another episode of the "Real" World New York.
The episode opened with some stock footage of maintenance men sweeping the streets of New York City. Sniff, sniff, is that foreshadowing I smell, or just the stench of garbage rotting in the New York city sun?
Cut to footage of the Real World house looking absolutely deplorable. Garbage was overflowing, filthy dishes were thrown everywhere, and I swear I saw a dust bunny come to life and hop across the living room floor. In the freakiest moment of the night, Martha Stewart ran into the kitchen, screamed "This is NOT a good thing," and then passed out. A distraught Cinderella then appeared on-set, surveyed the filth in the house, and burst into tears on her way into the confessional to tell the world: "Shit. You think your life sucks? I'm never gonna make it to the ball on time. It's gonna take me 9 years to clean up this hell hole. There's a snobby woman passed out in the kitchen. And to top it all off, I can't find my shoe."
Coral ran to Rachel, asking her to help Cinderella clean the house because it was "her week" to clean. Her "WEEK" to clean? So wait, that would imply that all of that garbage accumulated after just one week? Yes Alex, I'll take "Surely You Can't Be Serious" for one-thousand dollars, please. In any event, I'm smelling a new hit song for the Barenaked Ladies:
It's been one week since they touched a broom
Washed a single dish or touched a vacuum
Five days since they scrubbed the sink
You best grab a gas mask, the place, it sure does stink
la la la la
Cut to Rachel on the phone with her nutritionist, uh, I mean her mother. The convo went a little something like this:
Mommy Dearest: "Rachel, are you getting enough to eat?"
Rachel: "Yes mommy, I swear I am!"
Mommy Dearest: "Fruits and veggies! Three to five servings or your hair will fall out and your teeth will rot out of your mouth!"
Rachel: "Yes Mommy Dearest! I swear! Please, no wire hangers!"
Lori and Coral then decided to go out for a walk over one of the NYC bridges. Lori was wearing a tragically ugly shredded army fatigued shirt. I couldn't tell if she was trying to look cool, or if she was just mauled by Rambo's stylist. Whatever it was, it was bad. Anyway, Lori said, "Sometimes I wonder about people. Like, who is he? Where is he going? Is he happy?" The camera panned to a suicidal guy precariously dangling from the top of the bridge. My guess is he owes Vinny "Knuckles" Ramone $50,000 by midnight, he's going to jump off the bridge in order to spare himself the pain of having his testicles removed with a rusty butter knife, and NO, he's not happy. Fine, Lori, bum us all out.
Cut to Mike wandering around 5th Avenue, where, surprise! He just "happened" to stumble upon Jisela and Ellen, two losers from Road Rules. Mike paged the other roommates and told them all to get home as fast as they could, because he had a huge surprise for them. [cut to clips of Lori frantically running through the streets of NYC and jumping over hoods of cars a la Bo and Luke Duke en route to the Real World house.] Everyone was excited to see the Road Rules rejects, except Rachel, who said, "Damn, it's just them. What kind of surprise is that? I was expecting a puppy. With a big red ribbon around its neck. This sucks. Now where did I put my blue crayon?"
Them there wild and crazy Road Rules girls organized a group trip to a local strip club. Nicole just wasn't in the mood to go. In the confessional, she revealed she didn't want to go because she was scared a lap dancer might just get a little too close and wake up her little soldier, if you catch my drift. Imagine the embarrassment. Damn. Why didn't she go.
After the first commercial break, Mike felt the need to have a little talk with Rachel.
Mike: "Your mom babies you. Do you like it?"
Rachel: "No. I don't like it at all. [pause, taking a deep breath to scream] LORI? Can you come in here and give me your nipple? I'm thirsty."
Cut to Malik in the confessional. He said, "I like Jisela, because I like hanging out with people who have a lot of energy." Just then, Powder appeared in the confessional with Malik, and said, "How about this energy, baby!" The two then proceeded to dance the funky chicken until the sun came up.
In the next clip, the group went to the West End to have a little fun. Martha Stewart must have slipped a little something in Rachel's coffee cup before she left the house, because Rachel went totally mental. She was lap dancing, grinding, and hooking up with any object (animate or inanimate, male or female) that she saw. Poor pathetic Rachel. She actually tried to pole dance with a hand rail on the subway and fell flat on her ass. Ah, nothing like the smell of abject humiliation in the morning. Mommy Dearest must be breaking out the wire hangers about now and preparing the basement for Rachel's upcoming life of solitude.
Cut to Malik and Jisela climbing into bed together. The lights went off as the two threw the covers over their heads. All we saw was a bunch of movement under a pseudo-down comforter. Either the two were getting it on, or Mike thought it would be cute to put a python in Malik's pillow case. The choice is yours.
The next morning, Coral said to Nicole, "You heard Malik and Jisela hooked up, right? I saw him when they were done, and he looked all weathered and torn!" Weathered and torn? Uh, he wasn't in the Tundra searching for life 500 feet below the southernmost snow bank. Or was he? [insert Scooby Doo pre-commercial suspense cliffhanger music here.]
Nothing happened over the last 6 minutes of the episode aside from Jisela leaving and Rachel's mother calling the house about a thousand times. Poor Kevin had to talk to the woman:
PsychoMommy: "She's at a CONCERT? With PEOPLE? Are there PEOPLE at this concert? Oh my God!"
Kevin: "Yes, but I'm sure everything is going to....."
PsychoMommy: "I can't believe this! And there's music there! And people!"
Kevin: "Don't worry, I know that...."
PsychoMommy: "She's hanging out with a band! My daughter's a groupie! How dare you let her go to such a place!"
Kevin: "Uh, I, uh...."
...click!...
And in the more serious "sick and twisted" irony clip of the night, Rachel was on the phone to her mother trying to convince her that "New York is the safest it's been in 20 years." Say it with me people. "Ri-i-i-i-ght."
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Rachel's Mother. Take your vitamins! Eat your vegetables! Wipe your ass fully! God. Shut up already.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Rachel. "I'm at a strip club. Mom's gonna be mad at me!" Oh face it, honey. You're already gonna be shut out for Christmas for the next 39 years, so you might as well live it up and have a good time.
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, consume
3 to 5 servings of roughage a day!
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