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EPISODE #1018 |
alternatively titled:
JISELA.
SPANISH FOR "WALKING VENEREAL DISEASE."
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Slut central. |
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Previously on the Real World: Malik heart Jisela. True Love Forever!
This week in a nutshell: Jisela sets a Guiness World Record for "the most hook-up's in-between commercial breaks on a reality TV series."
Yep, another week, another episode of the "Real" World New York.
The episode opened with Malik talking to Jisela on the phone. Jisela was on a payphone. See what happens when you skip work to make out with people? The mean telephone company people shut off your phone service. Hope she used 1-800-COLLECT. Shit, she could have saved Malik a buck or two.
Anyway, Malik was acting more desperate for action than the Crocodile Hunter in the Arctic. He said, "Want to come up next week? How about tomorrow? Right now. I'll fly you out here right now." Come on, Malik! Didn't you ever read that "Dating Rules" book? Sluts, I mean girls, like a challenge!
Cut to Coral and Lori on the computer in the kitchen, where they discovered that the roommates would be taking a trip to the Hamptons. To spice things up a bit, each roommate could bring someone from the casting special pool o' rejects. Gee! Will Malik bring Jisela? Move over, Sylvester Stallone. This is a real cliffhanger.
Next, a freshly cornrolled Malik ran off to the airport to pick up Jisela. Of course, we were then forced to watch the two kissing in the airport, in the cab, on a park bench, on top of the Statue of Liberty, in a NYC sewer, outside the 7 Dwarf's cabin in the woods, and on a wall next to Humpty Dumpty. Oddly enough, Malik had a black piece of tape stuck to the front of his shirt. Whatever could it mean? Stay tuned.
And this brought us to the first commercial break. What have we learned? Malik and Jisela really "love" each other. Nicole still really "loves" Bobby. These people are more clueless than Alicia Silverstone. And finally, we've learned that the Real Worlders are so boring that Bunim & Murray had to import people from Road Rules to make this season of Real World even remotely interesting. Sort o' sad. Way to pick those winners, long casting process!
After the break, Jisela came running into the house screaming, "We just had the weirdest moment! We actually stopped making out long enough to eat a chilidog! It was mad cool." She went on to explain that she and Malik went to see an informative palm reader, where they discovered that Jisela's baby's father would have a glass eye like Sandy Duncan's, that Malik's missing High School ring was stolen by a one-armed bandit known only as "Mr. Snaz," and that the two of them had as much of a shot at a successful relationship as Arnold Schwarzenegger has of getting laid without those muscles. Translation for the feeble-minded? They're more screwed than a phillips head.
Cut to Jisela, armed with the most ghetto pair of tweezers I've ever seen, trying to pluck Malik's facial hairs. Malik's poor goatee must have been more frightened than a moth in the lighting section of Home Depot. But before long, the two were kissing again... or at least I think that's what they were doing. With all the slurping I heard, Jisela could have taken a moment to wolf down a bowl of chicken and stars. It's your call.
In come a plethora of Bunim & Murray rejects to accompany the Real Worlders on their Hamptons adventure. As soon as Blair showed up, Jisela ran to greet him faster than Louie Anderson to the buffet table at the annual "Family Feud" bar-b-que. Yes Alex, I'll take "Malik WHO?" for $400, please.
Cut to Nicole lying in bed with Bobby the Minimally-Great. Yes. I demoted him. Whatever you want to call him, Nicole was acting so retarded in his presence that I wanted to sign her up for the Special Olympics. She lifted up his shirt and said, "Ooh, a washboard stomach! Can I wash my clothes on that?" Uhh, maybe, if this was 1920. Or better yet, here's an idea for ya. Stop buying all those ugly fucking earrings and then maybe you'll be able to afford a washing machine, thus sparing us all the agony of having to hear you make such idiotic statements. Thank you.
In the next segment... [taking a deep breath]... Jisela grabbed Kevin's penis and what remained of his testicles, ran into the confessional, made out with Lori, sat on Kevin's lap, made out with Kevin, took off her bra, straddled Blair, and then made out with Blair. Damn. I think I need a Valtrex after just WATCHING that whoreish display. Guard your private parts, boys and girls. Jisela's the girl your doctors warned you about.
You may be wondering just where poor cornrolled Malik was while the all-out orgy was going on in the confessional? Why, he was in the kitchen scarfing down chips and tending to the black tape on his shirt. Now we know why it's there. He was shot through the heart, and Jisela's to blame. She gives love a bad name. [I hope you don't get that song stuck in your head. It's stuck in mine. And hell, that's even worse than the REO Speedwagon tune that was stuck in my head earlier today. I need help.]
So what have we learned during the second segment of The Real World New York? One, that Jisela's a slut the size of Texas, and two, Malik's getting a little nervous because his genitals are already starting to itch.
After the commercial break, Jisela ran in to see Malik but was diverted by a half-naked Mike lying in bed, whom she immediately ran over to kiss. Wow, that must be such a refreshing change for Mike, who is used to his naked body inducing instantaneous projectile vomiting in women, followed by them running out of the room at the speed of light. Malik didn't seem to be bothered by the kissing incident. He just kept bopping his head to the Debbie Gibson tune he was listening to in his headphones. Yes, Malik. Debbie, the all-knowing teen sensation, knows your pain is just the Foolish Beat of your heart. Jisela would have to change Out Of The Blue for you guys to work out. So don't go getting all Lost In Her Eyes, because Only In Your Dreams would she date you and only you.
Cut to Jisela talking to Blair outside the RW house. She said that she felt "weird" around Malik now. Gee, you don't say? Maybe it's because you led him to believe you loved him, let him buy a plane ticket to New York for your trifilin' ass, and then proceeded to use your nasty tongue to do dental work on everyone in the house after shaking your flabby ass in their faces. That could be part of the problem, but of course that's just a guess on my part.
All aboard the bus en route to the Hamptons. Malik sat in a seat in the front of the bus all by himself. Hell, better there than leading the group in a chorus of "99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall."
Nicole was lying next to Bobby The Ultimate Loser (yes, he's been demoted again) and told us in the confessional, "I loved having his arm around me, smelling how good he smelled." Well, if Designer Imposters are her thing then hey, whatever floats her boat.
Ah yes, the Hamptons house. Complete with scooters, a pool, and ocean views. Mike ran to the grill where he immediately began overcooking the hot dogs, thus converting them from nasty unedible crap to nasty burned unedible crap. Rachel made her way to the hammock, which she fell off of after exactly .9 seconds. You'd think the little loser would have made a conscious effort to stop making herself look like a moron after last week's pole incident on the bus. But I understand where that hammock was coming from and why it flung her off. I wouldn't want Rachel lying on me, either.
Next, Malik told Kevin, "I just want one girl I can love!" Cut to Jisela making out with some random female blonde reject in the pool. How this girl's lips haven't warn right off her face yet is completely beyond me.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Jisela. I love you, Malik! Oh, I hope you don't mind if I make out with your fish, because I've already nailed every one of your friends.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Blair. "We're having a good time hooking up. We're young!" God, if you're so young, go build a fortress outside the Real World house with your legos or something. Stop being the people Public Service Announcements were made about, you freaks!
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This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, ah, screw it.
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