|
EPISODE #1020 |
alternatively titled:
BYE BYE, ARISTA
|
What's an Adema? |
|
No pressure, no obligation.
Click here to help me out. Thanks!
Previously on the Real World: Jisela talks some smack, and Nicole screws "Bobby The Not-So-Well-Endowed."
This week in a nutshell: Last day at Arista. Time to get wild and crazy.
Yep, another week, another episode of the "Real" World New York.
The episode opened with the Real Worlders at the Arista office. Some dork named Jeff explained that the gang's mission, should they choose to accept it, would be to get K-Rock DJ's to play a track from Adema's new album. No, this wasn't Mission: Impossible. It was more like Mission: So boring even that Sean Connery's pet rock would have fallen asleep during it.
Next, the dweeby rent-a-manager Jeff played the Adema song for the roommates. It sucked. Kevin got all excited and explained, "If we get K-Rock to play the song, there's a good chance the band will break!" Yeah? Break what? The windows in the cars of the 5 losers listening to the song on their way home from picking up a hot dog at 7-11? Mike followed suit by saying, "It's so cool Arista is putting this much faith in us!" Oh, come on Mike. You're going to have a little talk with some DJ who was too ugly to have a successful career on television... not to disarm a bomb strapped underneath the President's toilet seat.
We now interrupt this regularly scheduled review to bring you the latest edition of "Jill Speaks The Obvious."
Cut to Lori and Coral putting on makeup in the bathroom the next morning. Lori and Coral looked really, really ugly without their makeup.
And that was "Jill Speaks The Obvious." We now return you to your regularly scheduled review.
Ring, ring! Rachel answered the phone and then screamed, "Lori, it's for you. Some guy named Ron Popeil. Something about some GLH Formula 44?"
The phone rang again. This time it was our old pal, Little Nicky, calling to ask Lori to come and sing. Next thing we know, Lori's in Nicky's office saying that she can "sing in any style." Ooh, watch out Ja Rule, you might have a little competition on your hands here. Lori then said, "I want to explore." Nicky's eyes lit up more than Whitney Houston while vacationing in Jamaica and responded, "musically?" No shit, Sherlock. Of course, musically. But way to get your hopes up there, buddy.
Cut to the gang at K-Rock, talking to a pair of losers named "Booker and Mike." I was half expecting some gut-wrenching morning crew DJ jokes to seep through their "not hot enough for TV" lips... but thankfully we were spared all of the "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to our radio station!" jokes. The Real Worlders played the record for "Booker and Mike," but they didn't seem impressed. They just proceeded to fire a barrage of questions at the roommates:
"How many people are in the band?"
"When is the album being released?"
"What is the band like?"
"If you were walking down a secluded beach and saw two people having sex, would you stop to watch?"
Just when I was thinking, "What the fuck? When did this turn into a game of Scruples?", Dr. Ruth kicked down the doors of the studio and said, "Watching other people having intercourse can be very rewarding! But remember! When having sex on a beach, bring the insect repellent because sand attracts more bugs than a 9 year old fruitcake!" Oh, wait. That didn't happen. That would have been interesting. Damn, I was just having one of those pesky Real World fantasies again.
In any event, "Booker and Mike" decided to go with the latest "Tool" song instead of Adema's song. I smell a little irony in that.
Next, Lori dragged Mike, Coral, and Nicole with her to Nicky's place to watch her record some song. I thought they were going to a recording studio. But no. Apparently, Nicky converted the closet in his bedroom into a recording booth. So Lori clutched her bottled beer to her chest as Nicky ushered her into a little purple booth, looking through the tiny window onto Nicky's horribly decorated bedroom. It didn't look like a recording booth at all. In fact, I was half expecting a bunch of one dollar bills to start flying all around, complete with some guy screaming, "Grab That Dough!" But to no alas, there will be no flying money in our future tonight... just Lori screaming the words "Put it down for ya," as only she could, over and over and over. Yes. PLEASE. Put the mic down. Step away from the mic.
And as a side note, Lori also sang the words, "I'll work my tankie for ya." Work my tankie? What the hell? What are we, in Germany all of a sudden? Dankė! Work my tankie? Is that what those crazy kids are calling their asses nowadays? Whatever. If any guy ever told me to "get my tank on over here," he'd go home minus one testicle.
Next, Mike got to go on stage at CBGB's to introduce the band "From Zero." Mike was more excited than Cher in the "House of Wigs." He ran on stage, grabbed the mic, and screamed, "What's up! How you all feelin out there!" Two people at the bar stopped eating pretzels long enough to throw out a golf clap. Then silence. Cut to a clip of a windy, dusty road, with one of those twiggy-looking dust-ball things rolling by (do those have a name?). Mike tried again, and screamed, "Everyone ready to rock and roll?!" This time, we heard a pin drop. Apparently, no one gave a shit. Imagine that?
After the commercials, we saw a quick shot of Yankee Stadium, some kids playing lacrosse, and some bratty 9 year old kicking a soccer ball at his mom's head. Ah, new york. In any event, the group of misfits that we have been affectionately referring to as the "Real Worlders" for the past 25 weeks learned that they'd be getting another chance to convince K-Rock to play Adema's song. This time, there was no holding back. Time to grab the bull by the horns. And apparently, time to act like complete and total retards.
They ran into the studio screaming like some cheerleader who just watched her quarterback boyfriend throw a winning touchdown. They were there to show the world that Adema doesn't mean an excessive accumulation of serous fluid in tissue spaces or a body cavity... or even extended swelling in plant organs caused primarily by an excessive accumulation of water. No, no, boys and girls. Adema means great music! (For the clueless, those are textbook definitions of "Edema" - pronounced the same as "Adema." Thank you, UCONN Biology class, for where would my review have been without you this week?)
They then played Adema's song for "Booker and Mike" one final time. Mike began seizing in his chair, Lori and Rachel shook their tankies, and I swear I even saw Nicole and Coral throwing down a little air guitar. This was all the VJs DJs needed to see. They were hooked! Back at the studio, Dorky Jeff actually uttered the words, "Massive props to all of you!" Nah. He's not a dork.
Ah yes. It's the last day at Arista. Hold back the tears, if you can. We were subjected to a Baywatch-esque montage of black and white clips of the gang's original interviews and several obviously put-on "We're so proud of the work you've done" speeches by their geeky bosses. Each real worlder was then handed a plaque, personally sweat on by Whitney Houston, Arista's biggest star. (Wow, two Whitney jokes in one night. I'm on a roll.)
Adam and Devin then threw a surprise goodbye party for the roommates. Yeah. Surprise! There's no one you know here at this party. It was attended by a bunch of bored to death Arista employees desperate for a piece of cake. And aww, all the roommates cut the first piece of cake together. As a team. A team that made us roll our eyes and want to bash our TV's in for the past twenty-something weeks. A team that made us all scream, "WHY did Bunim and Murray pick these losers? Why! Why!"
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World New York drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
 |
THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Lori. Someone told you to sing the word "tankie" and you agreed, without hesitation. I think that's more than deserving enough of the Rotten Apple award, wouldn't you agree?
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Jeff: "Massive props to all of you!" Oh, shut up and go find another loser band to sign or something.
|
|
This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, ah, screw it.
|
