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EPISODE #1101 |
alternatively titled
Meet the brats
you'll be
ranking on all season |
Look out, Chicago. |
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What's the deal? MTV starting to air a new season of The Real World in January? I still haven't fully recovered from the
torment of the New York season, or completely erased the pain of David's "shoo-bop-be doo-whop" from my mind. Oh, who am
I kidding. That will never be completely erased from my mind. Want a scare? Forget Blair Witch, just pop a rerun of that bad
boy into your VCR. You won't sleep for a week.
So, who will we be laughing at this season? All of these castmembers are rehashed versions of earlier
Real World castmembers. But hey, we're not tired of seeing the same things after ELEVEN years or anything.
So now, let's meet the cast of The Real World Chicago!
ANEESA:
Wake up. Flip coin. Heads? Lesbian. Tails? Heterosexual. Obviously, the coin landed on its side the morning Aneesa arrived
in Chicago. This "I love Theo! No, wait, I don't love Theo!" crap is already getting old (flashback to Amaya and Colin.) She
claims to have a "sibling" sort of love for Theo. Umm, I don't know what's been going on in her family, but I haven't
showered with my brother or seen his penis since he was three - and I'd like to keep it that way.
Motto? "Hi, I'm Aneesa, and I have such low self-esteem that I'll flirt
with anyone who gives me the time of day."
THEO:
Wow. It's Teck, with a better body and less hair. Loud, annoying, domineering, homophobic, and obnoxious. Maybe it's
just me, but I always thought you had to have more than 1/16 of an inch of hair to use a pick?
Motto? "Hi, I'm Theo, and I'll screw any girl that walks... lesbian or not."
CARA:
Initial thoughts: who ironed her nose?? Don't know too much about her yet, except that she's "so NOT psycho." R-i-ight. That,
and she's an idiot. When a Chicago Sun Times reporter asked her if she and the roommates got over the events of September 11th,
she eloquently answered, "Oh yeah. Absolutely. We're not that deep." Amen, sister. You can say that again.
Motto? "Hi, I'm Cara, and I'm an idiot who packed a suitcase, without
wheels, that weighed more than two Roseanne's and a John Goodman. And, I'm shallow. Tee-hee!"
KYLE:
Absolutely gorgeous and seemingly perfect guy who played football at Princeton.
Oh yeah, I know TONS of guys just like him in the "real" world. I do like him already, because he cringed when he saw Aneesa naked
in the bathroom. Plus, he's a dead ringer for ex Road-Ruler, James.
Motto? "Hi, I'm Kyle, and girls would cut off their pinkey toes with a rusty blade in exchange for my phone number."
CHRIS:
Handsome, shy, gay. Say it with me: DANNY. He barely said two words during the first episode, so for now he seems like
your average cute and sweet recovering alcoholic. Of course that will all change in time.
Motto? "Hi, I'm Chris. I don't say much, I just grab the legs of gay girls sitting next to me after they come out to a
house full of strangers."
TONYA:
I've only watched one episode but I already feel comfortable enough to say this - I HATE TONYA. Wah wah, I'm from Walla Walla. Do
us all a favor, shut up and go backie backie.
Motto? "Hi, I'm Tonya. I'm your typical small town girl who has never come within 26346 miles of a black person. And yes,
I annoy everyone as much as I annoy you."
KERI:
Dead ringer for Genesis of the Boston season. Quiet. Boring. Keeps a jar of bees next to her bed just in case the swelling of her lips should go down. Too bad her two front
teeth hang down 4 inches below the others.
Motto? "Hi, I'm Keri, and I will nail Kyle by time I leave the house."
So there you have it. I was wondering why all of the castmembers this year were so attractive - and then I learned that they were
going to be lifeguards this year. Of course! God forbid we'd have to see a lifeguard with a few extra pounds on them. The horror!
Stay tuned for next week's episode, and for your regularly scheduled review.
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