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EPISODE #1102 |
alternatively titled
Cara whores around Chicago. |
Look out, Chicago. |
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Ah yes. Another week, another episode of The Real World Chicago.
The episode opened with the real worlders at the beach, splashing around whimsically in the water and running around
in the sand. Cara spotted a shirtless guy and ran over to talk to him faster than George Bush could say "Mister
Salty." Keri explained that it's the first time Cara's been single, so she's "doing it up." I guess so, because moments
later when an injured manta ray washed up on shore, Cara dropped her Hawaiian Tropics lotion and ran over to give it a
back massage and to ask what its plans were next Saturday. When the manta ray didn't respond, Cara ran back to Jason
and gave him her phone number (which he immediately put it into his cell phone. How very 21st century of him. Write it down
on paper like the rest of us, dweeb.)
Cut to Cara on the train with Chris, whining about how she's single for the first time (yeah, we got that, considering
she's already mentioned it ten THOUSAND times) and complaining that she "doesn't want to be the girl who always has a
boyfriend" anymore. I guess Cara flipped the switch on her vacuum mouth from suck to blow, because I can't remember the
last time I've heard anyone so full of crap.
Conveniently, the next clip was Cara on the phone talking to her ex-boyfriend, Jared. She said, "I'm looking at our three
month picture!" She was also holding the toothpick he used to remove remnant porterhouse from his teeth on their first date
and a straw from the soda she was drinking the first time she went down on him in a movie theater. Yeah, so much for "not
wanting to be that girl" anymore.
Cut to Kyle, Tonya, and Cara in the back of a cab pondering Chris's sexuality. Tonya asked, "Does he like girls?" and Cara
responded, "If he's gay he doesn't know it." Hi, Cara, you might want to change the batteries in your gaydar. Kyle told the
group that he thought Chris was gay, and suddenly Cara changed her tune. She won the award for "most gay stereotypes in
one sentence" when she said, "You know, he DOES wear Diesel jeans, and he DOES use better products than I do... and he
kisses me on the forehead a lot (?), and he DOES seem to know an awful lot about Siegfried and Roy..."
Back at the house, Cara was re-waxing her crotch in preparation for her first date with Jason. Theo could be heard in the
background singing, "You got you a date, you can not be late, it might be great." Somewhere in America,
P Diddy will be sleeping soundly tonight knowing that his career will live to see yet another day.
After the break, Cara and Jason walked around the pier on their first date. Cara brought Kyle and Keri along for "support."
Please. A jock strap gives support. A bra gives support. But two people tagging along on your first date are in the damn
way. In any event, Jason left after about .9 seconds to catch a plane to California. Cara exclaimed that Jason "didn't quite
do it" for her. Why's that? Because he didn't whip it out and demand you have sex with him while the performing mimes watched?
Oh dear.
Cut to Chris coming out to Kyle. The whole conversation was very uneventful and filled with "gay" cliches such as "that's not
all I am" and "I don't like labels." Tonya ran over to the boys and said, "What were you saying?" Chris replied, "I'm gay."
Tonya pretended to be cool about it, but don't let her fool you. She immediately ran home and poured bleach all over herself.
She also ran to the confessional and declared, "My impression of homosexual relationships is that they're all filled with
drugs and sin." Oh, naive Tonya, that's not true. Only the good ones are. And seriously, what a stupid bitch this girl
is. Like straight people don't do "sinful" things and/or use drugs? Puh-lease.
Back home, Theo told Aneesa that he "didn't mind gay men as long as they don't hit on him." Yes, Alex, I'll take hypocritical
ass-bags for $500, please. Just last week he couldn't talk enough crap about gay men. Now suddenly it's all a-okay.
Cut to Cara on the phone with Jared AGAIN. He's already equally as obnoxious, annoying, and omnipotent as Nathan's girlfriend
from Real World Seattle. Cara told him this was her time to be selfish. Jared told her she was negatively impacting his
life. Blah blah BLAH. Please. I'd rather be bound and gagged and forced to watch the movie "Glitter" into the wee hours of
the morning than have to listen to them spend one more gut-wrenching minute on the phone with each other.
Cara ran into the other room to tell the girls, "Jared's so handsome, I love him, I don't want to hurt him. I want to
marry him. I want him to
father my love child. Wait, what did you say? BLEEP BLEEP is coming to town? I just love BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! I want to shove
my tongue down BLEEP BLEEP's throat!"
Thus began the biggest Real World mystery since why Steven from Seattle was wearing a blonde wig and sleeping under a desk
at the radio station's office. The real worlders went to a block party, where Cara was "drooling over a lead singer." But
MTV bleeped out the band's name. I had a hunch the guy she was swooning over was Todd Mohr from Big Head Todd
and the Monsters, and they were indeed playing at the block party the night the real worlders were there.
Whoever he was, the fire department should have been called in to put out the four alarm fire he apparently
ignited in Cara's pants. She kissed him, and then returned back to her roommates to exclaim, "I kissed him, and my
face slipped off of his sweat." Well, if THAT isn't romantic, I don't know what is. And about right now, Cara's
thinking "Jared WHO?"
During the commercial break, MTV aired one of those God-awful "City High" Real World Chicago ads. Who are the ad wizards
that came up with this crap? Three nameless R&B stars singing and rapping about the Real World Chicago cast? Are they
for real? My favorite line was "Aneesa... ain't afraid to be her." That doesn't even rhyme! It's a slant rhyme! Aah! It's
horrid!
After the break, Cara announced to the roommates that she spent the night with Mr. Bleep at the House of Blues hotel (Cough,
slut, cough.) She then said, "There's testosterone all over my hands." TESTOSTERONE ALL OVER YOUR HANDS? Ugh, that could be the
most vile sentence I have ever heard in my life. Put
the penis down. Back away from the penis. And honey, we do have showers here in our country.
Soap is your friend. Wash the dirty rocker's manhood off of your filthy whoring body. (Mental note: never shake Cara's hand.)
Cut to Chris getting ready for a date with Kurt. Chris asked Tonya to get the door when Kurt arrived, but she said, "Sorry,
I look terrible!" Well, duh. In the confessional, she then said, "I'm uncomfortable with his lifestyle. I'm not going to say
I agree with it when I don't." Right. You're just going to make up excuses, lie, and avoid the situation. How very
real-worldish of you!
After their date, Chris brought Kurt back home and introduced him to the roommates. Boy, that Kurt sure did have a shiny
forehead, didn't he? What was up with that? I wanted to run at him with a towel and some powder. Anyway, after he left,
Theo sat calmly picking at his 1/16 of an inch of hair and exclaimed that things were "all good." Phew, I was beginning to
worry.
Just when you thought Cara couldn't be any more filthy and deplorable, she went out drinking with Nick (a friend of her
precious Jared's.) The two came back home to the Real World house and crawled in bed together. Let's just say MTV insinuated
that the testosterone ended up IN her, not ON her. Please! You whore! This is your boyfriend's FRIEND! Is nothing
sacred! STEP AWAY FROM THE PENIS!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards!
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Cara. This girl needs to have her legs surgically sewn shut. "I miss my boyfriend. Wait, let me go screw his best
friend and a random rockstar!" Classy!
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Cara sweeps the awards tonight: "There's testosterone all over my hands." Ugh. That is the nastiest, most disgusting
sentence I've ever heard. And even if there WAS testosterone all over your hands, Jesus, at LEAST be discreet about it.
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