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EPISODE #1103 |
alternatively titled
Ouch! My kidney! |
Bye bye, Tonya! |
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PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: I must say this to all of you who are "feeling bad for Tonya." See, the thing is, TONYA IS
FULL OF CRAP. Anyone who has ever had a kidney infection, let alone a kidney infection so severe that it required a
week's worth of IV treatment, would definitely know that you would NOT be strong enough to 1) shower,
2) blow dry your hair, and 3) pack suitcases and then proceed to lug them up and down stairs. Get with it, guys!
The Real World hasn't seen a castmember this whiny and desperate for attention since LA's Beth S! And now, having said that...
Ah yes. Another week, another episode of The Real World Chicago.
The episode opened with the real worlders partying at a club.
PATHETIC TONYA - CLIP ONE
Everyone was having a good time dancing, but Tonya just sat on
the couch by herself as she pondered the more important questions of the universe, like why the size of Britney Spear's breasts
keeps changing. Poor thing. It must really hurt, having a stick shoved so far up your ass. Anyway, when none
of the roommates came over to keep her company, she
opted to go home, where she spent her night making her boyfriend a bedazzled Walla Walla T-shirt
and concocting ways to get attention from anyone who'd give it to her.
Cut to the next day. The roommates found a letter from MTV which Keri (who??) read aloud to the group: "Report to the park and
rec, you are going to be lifeguards!" Suddenly, everyone was all ooh-ing and aah-ing and rolling around all over the floor.
I couldn't tell whether they were excited to be lifeguards, or if some pesky real world vandals broke into the house
and smeared Ben-Gay all over their underwear. When Cara finally recovered,
she said, "This is gonna be great! Think of all the guys I'll
be able to screw, I mean meet!" Just then, Pamela Anderson ran on set, looked at Cara, laughed out loud,
and then disappeared.
PATHETIC TONYA - CLIP TWO
That's right. Cue the sad music and break out the tissues. Tonya's excitement about
being a lifeguard was momentarily stifled as she realized, "Wait! The letter said we needed a birth certificate and a license,
but I'm a (deep breath, sob, gasp for air) FOSTER child! That's right! No
one knows my pain! I don't have a birth certificate or a driver's license!" What? Since when can't foster children get
a license? Oh well. I guess in Walla Walla, she just walkie-walked or hitchie-hiked.
Cut to the roommates at their first day of lifeguard training. They all jumped in the pool and prepared to swim the 20
laps required for them to pass. The guys (except Theo) were all fine, but the girls looked like a bunch of frightened
toddlers who accidentally wandered into the
deep end of the pool. I was half expecting them to break out into a game of Marco Polo or something, but to no avail.
All was fine, until.....
PATHETIC TONYA - CLIP THREE
Tonya limped her way out of the pool and sat on the edge. When Kyle asked what was
wrong, she snapped, "It's my kidney, God damn it! What's wrong with you? Don't you know I have chronic kidney problems?" Yeah,
that's not her only problem judging by the huge bruise on her inner thigh. Hmm, it seems that Miss Tonya is either a little
clutzy, or was riding
a certain something a little too hard before she left Walla Walla. The trainer told her that if she didn't complete
this activity, then she
would not be eligible to be a lifeguard. Oh, that's right. Cue more sad music, and slow-mo Tonya walking out the door...
PATHETIC TONYA - CLIP FOUR
...to go home and sit in the HOT TUB, where she sobbed, took a deep breath, and then told Kyle,
"Kidney stones are the most painful things in the world. My doctor
said I was passing some and didn't even know it." (...but if they were so damn painful, wouldn't you KNOW you were passing
them?) Poor Kyle was looking more bored than a blind man at an art gallery, so he got up and left.
The next day, the roommates all got up and went to work...
PATHETIC TONYA - CLIP FIVE
...except for Tonya. She said, "I'm hurting so badly. I just want to stay home
and cry all day." Please. You just know the roommates weren't out the door for five minutes before she started doing
jazzercise and moving the refrigerator to dust behind it.
Cut to Tonya on the phone with her boyfriend, Justin:
PATHETIC TONYA - CLIP SIX
Tonya: "I'm sweating so badly. I'm coming home."
Justin: "Okay, just don't forget to put on deodorant before you get here."
Tonya: "Did you hear me? I mean it, I'm coming back to Walla Walla."
Justin: ((silence, thinking, "Shit! I thought I'd be rid of her for 6 months. Damn!"))
Cut to the roommates at work, performing pseudo life-saving techniques on scary looking plastic faces. Imagine getting rescued
by Cara? Her giving you mouth to mouth with all that remnant "testosterone" all over her face? Please. I'd rather be
eaten by Jaws than have that happen.
That's right, boys and girls. After the commercial break, it was time for:
PATHETIC TONYA - CLIP SEVEN
Tonya decided to go home for a "series of IV treatments." Oh my God, honey. You swam 1/16 of a lap in the pool. You didn't
just have a hunk of your ear bitten off by Mike Tyson. Get over yourself. She then said in the confessional, "My roommates
don't know just how sick I am." Oh, trust me, I'm sure they have a pretty good idea.
Back at the pool, it was time for the roommates to pass yet another test. They had to swim a certain amount of laps in 3 minutes
and 30 seconds. Kyle, Keri, and Cara (say that three times fast) jumped in the pool and started swimming. But five seconds
into the test, Cara swam to the shallow end and just stood there looking like she was about to drop dead. Gee, Cara, you should have
listened to your mother's advice. Everyone knows you're supposed to wait at least 30 minutes before swimming after giving
someone a blow-job.
Kyle, Keri, and Chris all passed the swimming test. Aneesa and Theo failed. And to make a long story short,
Cara quit. She got out of the pool and ran to the corner to cry. She said, "There's a lot of stuff
I can do. I... I... can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. I can do an 8 minute keg stand. But saving someone's life in
the water is just.. too... much." Say it with me, people: "HALLELUJAH."
Cara then went on to say that she "never would have quit if her father was present." Present where? At the pool? On the Earth?
Aren't you a little old to be relying so heavily on your daddy? And what the hell does his presence even have to do with the
price of beans? Honey, your daddy is still going to see this episode on television, and think his
little girl is a quitter-loser-whore, so what does that matter?
And no, of course the episode couldn't end without another pathetic Tonya clip!
PATHETIC TONYA - CLIP EIGHT
Back at home, poor Tonya was in SO MUCH PAIN. It must have been such an effort for her to take a shower, get dressed up all
pretty and put on 8 coats of makeup, and blow-dry her hair straight. And even throughout all that crippling pain, she
managed to pack 94 heavy suitcases and lug them up and down two flights of stairs. The whole time, she was whining and crying,
"I'm so weak! Ahh, my left pinkie hurts. There's a phantom pain in my right leg. Can't... go... on...."
And then, to put a hysterical close to an otherwise totally boring episode, Kyle called the house from the car, and
told Tonya he couldn't drive her to the airport because they were running late. Please! They were one block away.
And to make matters even funnier, Tonya was then repeatedly rejected by cab drivers (which, surprise, sent her into
another hysterical crying fit.) Ah, poor clueless Tonya. They DO have doctors in Chicago, you know. Wait a minute,
what's that? Ouch! My tooth hurts! Maybe I should go to Walla Walla to see a dentist?
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards! (Yes, yes,
another awards title is being brainstormed as we speak.)
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Hi, it's TONYA. Need a reason? Watch the episode!
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Tonya. "I don't have a driver's license because I'm a (gasp!) FOSTER CHILD." Please. No one feels sorry for you. Your
roommates hate you. Even cab drivers are scared to drive you to the airport for fear of having to listen to your ass
stories. Doesn't this tell you something?
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