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EPISODE #1104 |
alternatively titled
Please Pass The No-Doz |
Snore central. |
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Ah yes. Another week, another episode of The Real World Chicago.
The episode opened with some stock footage of Chicago - fans pouring into Comiskey Park, people walking along picturesque
roads, and disgruntled Wicker Park residents throwing flaming bags of dog poo at the Real World residence.
All seemed lovely in Chicago... until the roommates had some car trouble. They all got out of their ultra-cool blue minivan and
stared blankly at a deflated tire, looking more disturbed than Robert Downey Jr. before his morning dose of cocaine. Keri had an
epiphany and said, "I think the tire is flat." Really! You don't say! Because I thought the other three tires were just really
swollen.
Keri ran into a payphone and came out dressed like Mr. Goodwrench, ready to tackle the daunting task of (gasp!) changing a
van tire. But when Theo told her she wasn't doing a good job, she ran away to sit on the sidewalk faster than an EMI executive
to Mariah Carey's contract termination papers (or faster than you can say "City High sucks"). There, she exclaimed, "I've changed
five tires in the last six months!" Hmm, it appears someone's been stylin' around town in a Yugo. Do we have to go over
this again, Keri?
Money on lip injections? Bad.
Money on safe tires? Good.
Cut to Keri and Kyle in the hot tub talking about, well, nothing.
Keri: "But... I *have* changed tires before."
Kyle: "I know, and I admire that you have changed a tire."
(insert lusty stare here)
Keri: "I just want you to admire me."
(insert overly dramatic eye contact here)
Kyle: "I do! But I'm concerned there are things we can't relate to each other about!"
Things you can't relate to each other about? Like what? PMS and jock itch?? Give us a break and
shut the hell up already.
Cut to Keri and Kyle standing outside the mall. Keri said, "Are there tornadoes in Chicago? That's my biggest fear." Really?
Well, since we're sharing, my biggest fear is that you're three seconds away from whipping out a stuffed bunny and chasing
Kyle around Chicago with it. But then, just when things were getting dull, a huge tornado in the shape of Helen Hunt's forehead briefly
appeared in the distance, and then mysteriously vanished. What does it mean?
Cut to Tonya arriving in Walla Walla, telling us all what an "amazing" place it is. And by the look of it, whoo-ee, is it ever!
Good thing Jason was driving a vehicle strong enough to pull the weight of Tonya and all of her kidney stones. As they were
driving, Tonya said, "I love Jason, I love listening to him breathe." As opposed to listening to him suffocate to death? Wow,
she's so sentimental. Tonya then said, "My roommates are going to miss me." Justin proceeded to laugh and sarcastically
say, "They're going to miss you?" That's it. No further joke needed. I rest my case.
Back home, Chris and Kyle were driving in the van talking about some more boring crap. All I got was Kyle saying, "Yeah,
my girlfriend back home is great, we have a fairytale romance, blah blah blah VISA BUCKS blah blah blah." Please. This conversation
was more boring than watching the newly "outed" Rosie O'Donnell feigning sexual desire for Tom Cruise.
After the break, Kyle and Keri were (surprise!) lying in bed flirting with each other and talking about how Kyle should go out and
date other girls. The mood was sultry. The glances exchanged were erotic. Suddenly, Keri leaned over and shoved her finger up
his nose. Boy, nothing says "romantic" like the removal of a booger.
Later that night at the club, Keri showed us all how cool she was by getting completely tanked. She then showed us how mentally
alert she was by saying, "It's not one of these 'I'm drunk and handing you the keys' things." A sphincter says what? Can I buy a vowel?
Then she proudly declared, "I've been drinking since I was 14!" Wow, and to think I thought I was a rebel for faking a
stomach ache to get out of running the mile in 7th grade.
Back home, Kyle told Keri, "It gives me joy to take care of you." Oh, please. Can I throw up now, or shall I wait till later? He
then ran to tuck her into bed. Cue the porno music as we see a sillouette of Kyle's naked torso being stroked by Keri's hand. But,
he pulled away and ran to the bathroom faster than a teenage boy after watching 5 minutes of scrambled porn.
After the commercial break and a conversation between Kyle and his father that was more painful to watch than an NSYNC Chili's
ad, we got to see some more footage of Tonya at the doctor's office back in Walla Walla. She was sitting on Justin's lap,
whispering sweet nothings in his ear about how thankful she was for the new boobies he bought her last year. But once the
doctor walked in, Tonya got up to stand against the wall, hunched over in pain, like Mike Tyson just bit her entire left leg off
or something. The doc
said they'd be running tests. And that ended that.
The next day, back in Chicago, the Tonya bashing continued. The roommates said things were much more calm without her. Aneesa
claimed that Tonya was a fake who just "got ding donged too hard in her cooter." The thought that any ding would dong in her
cooter is enough to make me violently ill, so I'll be moving on now.
Kyle's semi-bald friend Jason came to visit. He looked like every 20-something guy you'd see in one of those hair restoration
commercials, riding on a jetski and talking about how well horse hair holds up when it gets wet. But I digress. Cara, Keri, Kyle,
and Jason went out to a club. Keri was obviously jealous that Kyle wasn't lavishing insane amounts of attention on her, so she
sat by herself at the bar and gave Kyle dirty looks.
Before you know it, we're outside the bar and Kyle and Keri are screaming at each other about, well, nothing. They were having
that typical, boring, "Fine! Go have fun with your friends and leave me here alone!" fight that every couple has two years into the
relationship. Things ended when Keri randomly had a Turet's attack and started swearing at Kyle. She then disappeared into the
night, muttering the phrase, "I'll cut your balls off, dickhead" over and over until she got home.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. And now onto the rotten apple awards! (Yes, yes,
another awards title is being brainstormed as we speak.)
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THE ROTTEN APPLE AWARDS |
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most annoying character:
Keri. "Come tuck me in, 'cause I'm six." And... and... her teeth really annoy me.
This week's Rotten Apple award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Tonya. "I'm more stable than my roommates are." HAHAHAH. Um, HAHAHAHHA.
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