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EPISODE #1105 |
alternatively titled
People Who Live In Stone Houses
Shouldn't Throw Glass |
I can change a tire! |
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The episode picked up right where we left off last week, with Keri and Kyle arguing in the subway. Cara randomly said, "I
swallowed a bug" and walked away. When Keri seemed concerned, Cara said, "No, I didn't, that's just my way of saying I'm
leaving you alone." Oh. In that case, I just stepped in dog crap. Wait, no I didn't. That's just my way of saying that
I thought tonight's episode reeked worse than the set of a Sweatin' To The Oldies infomercial.
Once Cara left, Kyle said, "Keri, when are we talking about your major 'tude?" That was it. I lost it. I haven't heard anyone
use the word "TUDE" in years, and even then it was used by a 14 year old girl who saw it splashed on the colored pages of YM! magazine
and thus thought it was cool. It is not cool. Ever. Especially when used by a 22 year old male.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Theo was entertaining a houseful of the trashiest looking women I've seen since E's "Wild On
New Jersey" episode (no offense to anyone in NJ, but a few bad apples spoil the bunch.) Come on, Theo! It's quality, not
quantity. And from the looks of these girls, he should have been feeding them Alpo and toilet water instead of pizza and
wine.
Cut to Chris standing in the shower, telling Keri and Kyle that one of Theo's groupies barfed all over the shower floor.
Keri immediately ran into the living room to yell at everyone and to demand that the vomit be cleaned up. They were pissed
at first, but once Keri offered to change their tires should they ever get a flat, everything was cool.
The next morning, when Aneesa came home, Chris told her, "You missed the action here last night, Theo brought 15 people over
and woke me up at 2 AM." But where was Aneesa last night? Inquiring minds need to know.
Cut to Tonya on the phone with Kyle. She told him, "I have such good news for you guys! I only have three kidney stones
left!" Ugh, gross. Who the hell cares? Keep it to yourself. Just when I was half-expecting her to
update Kyle on the status of her small intestine and liver function, Chris got on the phone. He told her to "get her ass
back home," but you could totally tell he was hoping for "great news" in the form of Tonya staying home for the
rest of the season.
After the break, Keri went out on a date with some random boy named Tyler. Oooh, it seems that someone's been reading
"Jealousy 4 Dummies." Obviously it worked, because the whole time Keri and Tyler were eating bruschetta and drinking wine,
Kyle was home feeding the fish and looking more pathetic than Susan Lucci at the Daytime Emmy's. And yes, Keri did
mention to Tyler that she could "change a tire." What is this? Eight times about the damn tire already?
Jesus Christ. Shut the hell up and go get a job at a condom factory if you love handling rubber so much.
Keri brought Tyler back home to the apartment to meet the roommates. Kyle stopped his affair with the fish long enough to
get changed into a fancy red shirt and to put 92 bottles of gel into his hair. He single-handedly put one of Vidal Sassoon's
children through their first semester of college while preparing to meet Keri's date. In any event,
I was hoping for an all-out brawl between Keri's two suitors, but no such luck. They shook hands and were on their way.
Once Keri's rent-a-date left, she told Aneesa, "Kyle doesn't like that Tyler's here." Gee, captain obvious, what gave it away?
Was it the hole Kyle punched in the wall, or the pool cue he was about to shove up Tyler's ass? Ooh, what other revelations
can you share with us? The earth is round? The sun is hot? We're waiting with baited breath.
Cut to the roommates picking up Tonya at the airport. Back home, she told the roommates, "Justin said there was something
really big in the suitcase and it had to do with my past." And sure enough, Tonya opened her suitcase to find the very
first kidney stone she passed when she was just 5 years old. What a guy.
Actually, what Tonya found when she opened her suitcase was her (gasp!) birth certificate. Ah yes, her estranged boyfriend
could get his hands on Tonya's elusive birth certificate, but she couldn't. In any event, Tonya dramatically clutched the
paper to her chest and ran around the house showing it to all the roommates (who looked about as interested as Rosie
O'Donnell at an all-male review.) Tonya then said, "I was shaking when I picked up that piece of paper and saw my mom's
name and where she was born!" Please. You lived with your natural mother until you were ELEVEN, so how is it that Little
Orphan Annie knew more about her parents than you do?
Tonya held back the tears long enough to exclaim, "I write just like my mother!" Yeah, and you fart just like your father.
And you lie just like your aunt. Enough already.
Now, the real drama began. Tonya was on the phone with (surprise!) Justin, when Theo needed to use the phone. I honestly
think this was the most retarded real world fight since David ripped off Tami's blanket back in LA. Days Of Our Lives
couldn't have written a drama more lame even if they tried:
Theo: "Get the fuck off the phone!"
Tonya (crying): "Why does he yell at me!"
Theo: "Go do something with your friggin' self!"
Cut to Tonya in the bedroom, looking more jittery and anxious than Winona Ryder in a freshly stocked Saks Fifth Avenue. She
told Cara, "Theo scared the crap out of me so I threw this glass so he'd leave me alone!" What? The cameramen missed this
drama? What the hell? Was Britney Spears doing a striptease outside the Chicago house or something? Get your peckers
out of your hands and film the good stuff!
All we know is that Theo disconnected the phoneline and did something to "scare" Tonya enough to make her throw a glass.
Please.
What the hell did he do? Jump out from behind the sofa and scream "BOO" really loudly? Or fake a kidney stone attack? I'm not
buying it for a second. We all
know that Tonya's scared of her own reflection in the mirror (wouldn't you be? eek), and that she probably sprays mace
in the face of anyone who
dares to ask her for the time at the mall. Basically, and not surprisingly, this whole fight was hyped up by MTV more than
P Diddy's new clothing line.
In a related story, police officers in Chicago have stopped carrying handguns, and
started carrying glass tumblers.
Kyle decided to play the hero once again, so he had a talk with Theo. It went a little something like this:
Kyle: "Tonya is afraid of you."
Theo: "I ain't no punk."
Kyle: "You have to talk to her."
Theo: "No."
Kyle: "Are you sorry?"
Theo: "No."
Kyle: "Will you talk to her?"
Theo: "No."
Kyle: "Is that the only word you know how to say?"
Theo: "No."
Kyle: "Do you smell like shit?"
Theo: "Wait, can we start this over again?"
Cut to Theo on the phone with his dad. He said, "Tonya is a beautiful young girl." And then Theo's dad laughed! He actually
laughed, like he knew what a wretched witch Tonya was! It was priceless.
Meanwhile, Keri blew off Tyler because he was "too skinny." Uh, yeah. That's the biggest crock of crap I've heard since
Britney Spears tried to convince the public her breasts grew 2 cup sizes overnight because of a "growth spurt." Instead,
she ran off to the bar with Kyle, who was once again sporting his velveteen red shirt and enough gel to choke a farm
animal, to talk about how great it is to have him as a friend.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. And now onto the all-new Whiny City
awards (the winner by popular vote on the message board)!
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Tonya. If we have to hear about this birth certificate crap one... more... time...
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Kyle: "Let's talk about your major TUDE." That's it. He said TUDE. It was in the bag.
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