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EPISODE #1106 |
alternatively titled
The Human Rights
THINGIE |
Theo Sucks |
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BREAKING NEWS:
President Bush just held a press conference in light of tonight's episode of The Real World. He asked that all Americans
light a candle and scream the words "THEO SUCKS" at exactly 11 PM on Wednesday, February 20th, 2002. Bush said that plans are
already in the works to have a satellite capture a photo of the historical event. More news as it
becomes available.
Wow. What a horrible, piece of crap episode of The Real World. Let's dig right in, shall we?
The episode opened with Kyle, Chris, and Keri on the beach, ready to show the world why they didn't make it past the first step
of Baywatch's casting call.
The three stood in line, and screamed, "Reporting for duty, sir!" Just a tad over the top for a lifeguarding job, isn't it?
Please, losers. Your job entails scolding runny-nosed, sand-throwing toddlers, so cut the "we're at bootcamp" crap.
You're on The Real World; not a made-for-TV version of Platoon.
I don't know what you've been told...
These losers as lifeguards is a sight to behold...
Chris then ran to his tower. Some random lifeguard gave him his instructions for the day: "See those people over there?
Yeah. Them. Don't let them drown."
After a strange shot of a fat man riding a huge, circus-sized unicycle, we cut to the "other" real worlders, who found work
helping children create a mural. Their boss told them, "This piece of art is going to be in our community for a long time. Make
sure it is something important to our kids." Cara said, "So I guess a huge sculpture of an erect penis would be out of the
question, eh? Because I think I still have some testosterone on my hands that would lend a very realistic appeal to the
artwork..." She was ignored.
Theo seemed pleased with his work assignment. He said, "I feel like I can change a life better than saving a life." Man.
One-hundred thousand sperm and he was the fastest? I am frightened for all of humanity.
Chris then invited the roommates to go with him to a campaign for equal human rights. When Theo learned the campaign was in
support of homosexuality, he ran out of the room faster than George W. Bush to his copy of "How To Be A President - For Dummies."
He screamed, "That ain't my kind of party!" Of course not. It would involve fully-clothed people with class. Kyle just stood
there, violently digging at his left ear with a Q-Tip. Calm down, boy! Don't you know that with improper use,
those things can do some major damage to your ear canal?
Cut to Theo on the phone with his father:
Theo: "Daddy, is being gay a sin?"
Daddy: "Yes, my son, it is. Say 10 Hail Mary's immediately or you're going to hell for breathing the same
air as your homosexual roommate."
Theo: "Because there's this gay convention in town..."
Daddy: "You don't need to go to that."
Hmm, now what's the saying? Ignorance breeds ignorance? Hey Theo, just a tip:
Jesus may love you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
After the commercial break, Tonya said, "I don't think my views on homosexuals are different from Theo's. I'm going
to the human rights THINGIE out of curiosity." First off, the human rights "THINGIE?" It's a campaign for equal
human rights, not a campaign explaining the various terminologies that schoolyard children use to refer to private parts.
Second, you're going out of "curiosity?" You stupid bitch, what do you think these people will be doing, dancing around
nude and showing off their pornography collections?
Back home, the roommates were getting ready for the THINGIE. Aneesa was a total bitch to her mother, and hung up on her,
because her dress hadn't arrived in the mail yet. Keri offered Aneesa a dress, but it wasn't good enough (more like she
couldn't fit her oversized ass in it.) Aneesa's friends came to the rescue and brought a dress for her to wear. Meanwhile,
Tonya ran into the room wearing a black dress and screaming, "Holy shit, my boobs are falling out." Really? Because I've
heard that fake breasts stay in place nicely. Hmm. Guess I was misinformed.
The roommates arrived at the THINGIE to find Kurt wearing a bowtie. He looked like a complete dork... like he
was getting ready to guest-host an episode for Bill Nye the Science Guy. Somewhere in America, Joan Rivers clutched her hand
to her chest and collapsed in sheer horror. (If only that were true.)
All was well at the THINGIE, until a drag
queen appeared on-stage. Tonya looked more shocked than she did when her plastic surgeon gave her the bottom line price
for her new boobies. She then clasped her hand to her mouth and wriggled around in her chair. She was either passing a
kidney stone the size of Texas, or was displeased at the sight of a drag queen. The choice is yours.
That night, back at the Real World house, Chris jumped on top of Kurt, who was lying in bed. The two were holding hands
and giggling at each other like two pre-teens who just realized flirting was much more fun than using Play-Dough to make
clay penises. Kyle ran into the living room and said, "I've known gays in a few different levels, but have never seen
homosexual life behind closed doors." Um, they were kissing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but people who are dating usually
kiss. Kyle seemed shocked by the behavior, and was acting like the two boys were in the room twisting balloon animals
and/or examining each other's private parts with flashlights. "Never seen homosexual life behind closed doors." Please.
Give me a break.
Keri then said, "Kyle is so nervous. I'm going to sleep in his bed because he needs a little estrogen in his life." Yeah,
more like she needs a little penis in hers.
The next morning (and I can't even believe I am writing this), Kurt and Chris were pulling two bananas apart like they were
pulling apart a turkey's wishbone. That's it. No joke. That says it all. Keri then told Cara, "If Kyle and I stay in a
bed together, that doesn't mean we're mugging." Dr. Ruth randomly appeared on set and said,
"Allow me to clarify this for all of you. Mugging means to make out like bandits. But remember! Whenever you're mugging,
be sure to wrap your shotgun before you shoot!"
Later that day, or week, or whenever, Theo and Tonya were at the front door of the Real World house when a huge bouquet of
flowers was delivered for Chris. Theo said, "This is a little bit too gay for me." Too gay? What, like the guy who
delivered the flowers showed up wearing a leotard and singing Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman?" Too gay. Oh, shut up,
Theo.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. And now onto the all-new Whiny City
awards (the winner by popular vote on the message board)!
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Theo. What a homophobic, ignorant prick.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Theo: "If I go to the campaign, I'll feel like I'm supporting a sin." Wow. It must hurt to be so. damn. stupid.
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