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EPISODE #1107 |
alternatively titled
WHEN LESBIANS ATTACK |
Ah, lesbian love. |
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Yep. Another week, another episode of The Real World.
The episode opened with Aneesa tearing open a care package of soap and shampoo from her mother. The attached note
read, simply, "Take the hint. Love, mom." A misty tear formed in Aneesa's left eye, disappointed
that the package didn't contain the lemon flavored dildo she purchased last week.
Aneesa gathered up her bath products and said, "I want to go downstairs and shower, that is how special I feel." So,
she only showers when she feels special? Obviously she hasn't felt "special" since the Reagan administration, because
it looks like that's around the last time she bathed.
Cut to Aneesa on the phone with her mother. She was wearing a shirt that had the number 212 on it. Looking at the
large amount of stomach fat pouring over her jeans, I couldn't help but wonder if the 212 represented her current weight, or
the amount of hot dogs she threw down for dinner last night.
Later that night, or whenever, Aneesa went out to a gay bar. Her friends introduced her to a girl named Veronica. Aneesa
looked at her and exclaimed, "You're hot!" Hot? That's not quite the word I would use. She looked more like
a little Mexican boy who had been abandoned by his parents and spent the rest of his childhood being
raised by a pack of wolves in outer Mongolia. Hot? No, no, no. Think Mario Lopez,
with the body of David Spade, complete with a $3 box of hair dye and you'll have an accurate picture of what Veronica
looked like.
Aneesa brought her new hottie back home. The two walked around the house, played some Melissa Etheridge albums, and did
their best "Ellen" impersonations for the roommates. Because of the homoerotic "banana" imagery from
last week's episode, I was half expecting the two to run into the kitchen to force-feed tunafish sandwiches to each other, but no
such luck. Aneesa walked Veronica to the elevator and rode down with her, and the two kissed and fondled for the
entire ride. Somewhere in America, Joan Rivers clutched her hand to her chest and collapsed after noticing that
Veronica was wearing white pants after Labor Day. But what Joan doesn't know is that lesbians don't celebrate that
holiday because they're opposed to the whole "labor" part of it (A little Rosie told me so.)
The next morning, Aneesa ran to the phone to check her voicemail faster than R Kelly to a minor in a pleather miniskirt.
Veronica left her a message, saying, "This is Veronica, we met last night..." What, suddenly Aneesa has short term
memory loss and has to be reminded the name of the person who's tongue was in her mouth last night? Suddenly,
and without warning, I'm picturing a very scary sequel to the movie Memento...
The next day, or whenever, the lifeguard rejects were introduced to the kids they'd be working on the mural with. Aneesa
said, "I love working with kids knowing I can make a difference in their lives." That's right. Thanks to Aneesa's influence,
in just a few short weeks these kids will be swearing at cab drivers, walking around naked, and screaming "I'm gonna
fuck you up!" to all those foolish enough to refuse to relinquish their milk money.
Cara passed out papers to the children and instructed them to draw ideas for the mural. One kid was too busy grooming his
head with a metal pick to even give a shit. This pick scared me. It was HUGE, and looked really invasive.
Seriously, it resembled an instrument I used to use to skim dead Japanese Beetles from the surface of my pool. But I digress.
The kids got right down to business, sketching the designs they wanted to use for the mural. The camera panned across
the papers revealing that Little Jimmy drew a bong.
Little Raul drew a picture of Tupac giving the finger. And Little Shelby drew a picture of Tommy Lee's penis and exclaimed,
"Mommy said she wants to go for a ride with this." Cara nodded knowingly, and said, "Ain't THAT the truth."
Back home, Theo asked Aneesa to bring Veronica back to the house so he could check her out. Aneesa said, "She has blonde
hair and big boobs." Theo then said, "You have a thing for boobs, eh?" Yes, moron. Maybe that's where that whole
LESBIAN thing comes into play.
Time passed. Theo was playing pool. Keri was applying lip balm. Tonya couldn't get anyone to talk to her so she was washing the
windows. All was fine until Aneesa and Veronica came walking into the room. The scene was more awkward than Martha Stewart
in Harlem. Theo gasped in pure, unadulterated horror as his hopes of getting to watch a hot blonde hook up with another
girl got flushed down the toilet. And once Kyle got a look at Veronica, he just stood there, with his mouth open wider
than Jaws in the final attack scene. Theo called Veronica a "troll." Tonya never stopped washing the windows.
Let's just say it wasn't pretty.
After the commercial break, Aneesa and Veronica went to a lesbian bar. They sat on the couch, and along with the other TWO
people in the bar, listened to a fat woman playing guitar. She looked like Elton John, but was dressed like Ozzy Ozborne.
Quality entertainment. Watch out, Michelle Branch!
The two went back to the RW house to do what all lesbians do on their first date: make out, talk about cats, and make plans
to move in together. Ooh, what rivoting Real World footage.
The next morning, a shirtless Cara walked by the two girls in the bathroom. Hi, honey, it's called Haagen Daas. Eat some.
I've seen chihuahuas roaming the streets of Mexico with more junk in their trunk. Then, suddenly and without warning, Tonya's
boyfriend ran on set, tackled Cara, and offered to buy her breast implants. He then wandered into the kitchen and ate
a remnant piece of Papa John's pizza.
Back to the mural. Man, that's what this whole episode was about. Lesbian. Mural. Mural. Lesbian. But I digress. Nothing
interesting happened, just a few shots of kids looking more bored than Bob Vila's wife in Home Depot. We did get to see
a quick shot of the completed mural, and I was somewhat shocked to see a huge drawing of a Puerto Rican flag. The
mural was supposed to be about Chicago, not an homage to Ricky Martin.
On the car ride home, Aneesa got a phonecall from Veronica's girlfriend, who told Aneesa that she and Veronica were
lying in bed together naked. The rest of the conversation went a little something like this:
Aneesa: "Fat bitch!"
Girlfriend: "We're naked!"
Aneesa: "You have stretchmarks!"
Girlfriend: "You're ghetto!"
Aneesa: "You're fat!"
Girlfriend: "I know you are but what am I?"
Aneesa: "I'm rubber and you're glue."
Girlfriend: "BITCH!"
Suddenly Aneesa is Miss Cleo? How the hell could she tell the girlfriend was fat just by hearing the sound of her voice?
Wow, and you thought John Edwards had talent.
After the break, Kyle heard the doorbell ring. When he saw that it was Veronica at the door,
he started giggling more than that Asian actress on Iron Chef ("Ooh, manderin root! Soup taste so good!") He buzzed her
up and said, "Aneesa, your sex is here!" Yeah, more like her sex change is here. Kyle stopped laughing long
enough to tell her how great she looked and how much he liked her glasses. His nose then grew 6 inches.
In the final scene, Veronica came back to the Real World house to pick up a bag she had left there. The kicker is that she had
the balls (no pun intended) to bring her current girlfriend with her. Cue a few more comments about stretchmarks, fat
asses, and KD Lang. Aneesa threw the two of them out. Obviously she didn't fill her day's "swear" quota, so she ran down
the steps to have a few more words with the blurry-faced girlfriend. The rest of the roommates chased Aneesa down the stairs,
the whole time staying closer to her than a wig on Cher's head. Aneesa said, "Don't disrespect me or I'll fuck you up!" Oh,
Aneesa, something tells me the two of them have been getting all the fucking that they can handle. Insert quarter, try again.
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... the
cops are a-comin. And now onto the all-new Whiny City
awards (the winner by popular vote on the message board)!
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Veronica. Don't be bringing your ex to your new girlfriend's house, you stupid stupid bitch.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Aneesa: "Home I have to be a lady all the time. I have to be something I'm not." Last I checked, you WERE a lady. So
shut up.
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