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EPISODE #1108 |
alternatively titled
Cara and GEORGE Sitting In A Tree |
Real World? Real Uneventful. |
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Yep. Another week, another episode of The Real World.
The episode opened with a shot of Aneesa crying and wiping her face with a towel. Aww, what's wrong, honey? Upset about your
2.1 rating on Hot Or Not? Driven to tears after catching a glimpse of your cellulite-infested ass in the mirror as
you walked by? Whatever the reason, she ran to the phone to call her mommy faster than Bill Cosby could say "Jello Pudding
Pop." But alas, Mom had no advice to give.
Next, cut to Cara asking all the roommates to go out to dinner with her and her father. When Aneesa agreed to go,
Cara said, "I'm happy you're gonna come! You always come for me!" Thanks, but I could have gone to my grave without hearing
that. As if the previews of Ozzy Ozborne's dog crapping all over the floor weren't vomit-inducing enough, MTV had to use
the words "Cara," "Aneesa," and "come for me" in the same sentence?
After a few moments of Cara whining about how she hasn't been without a boyfriend since she was 13 (needy much?), her
father arrived. Cara ran to the door, looking more excited than Stevie Wonder after finding out porn mags now come in braille.
She exclaimed,
"My dad's outside!" No shit. Is that who it was, because we all thought it was Estelle Getty.
Dinner with Daddy was very boring. The only noteworthy footage was Aneesa showing off a necklace that had supposedly
been in her family
for years. When the camera zoomed in on the necklace, which was oh so subtly dangling between her cleavage, you could see the
obscene amount of stretchmarks on her boobs. Either that, or she somehow managed to get on Freddy Kreuger's bad side. Suddenly,
and without warning, Britney Spears appeared on set and screamed, "That's a normal part of the growing process!" She then
mysteriously disappeared.
In the confessional, Cara said, "Dad always wanted me to be more athletic and more academic, but now he loves me for
what I am." What is that exactly, honey? A media-whoring, celebrity testosterone-covered slut? Ah yes, dad must be so proud.
Speaking of lesbians, after the commercial break, Aneesa proceeded to make everyone in the house
listen to at least 14 voicemails from Veronica. Tonya said, "If you call her back, I'll be mad at you." Having heard that,
Aneesa ran to the phone call Veronica faster than Michael Jackson to a Kids R Us grand opening.
Cut to Aneesa and Veronica eating chopped fruit at some little restaurant, which made me wonder just what the hell
is with the obsessive fruit eating this season? Hi, you CAN buy fruit outside of Chicago, you know. Anyways,
in-between bites of cantaloupe, Veronica said, "I made a
mistake. I don't know, what I know is not too much." You stupid media whore! Has the bleach gone to your head? Good thing
Alan Keyes is making sense on TV at 10 PM, because you're sure the hell not. Shut up.
Just seconds after the two were inside arguing, MTV cut to a clip of them walking down the street arm in arm, set to Alicia
Keyes singing "I keep on falling in and out of love with you." Really? Because I kept falling in and out of laughing fits
while trying to decipher just who was being the bigger media whore. That, and I kept falling in and out of consciousness while watching this
boring episode.
Meanwhile, Kyle's friend DJORDJE stopped by for a quick visit. Djordje? Can I buy a vowel? It's GEORGE, asshole.
Stop pretending you're from Kenya. Anyways, Djordje djust loved djumping in front
of the camera whenever he could. And I don't need to tell you that Cara was all over him faster than Rebecca Gayheart could drive
over a small Mexican boy.
The real pain of this episode wasn't seeing Aneesa's stretchmark-ridden breasts. Nor was it watching Aneesa and Veronica
hook up in slow motion. The REAL pain of this episode came when MTV decided to play David's God-awful rendition of "Come On
Be My Baby Tonight" as Cara and GEORGE were hooking up in the hot tub. Let me tell you, as soon as
I heard those painful noises (Be bop do bee bop doo dway...), I screamed louder than David Hasselhoff during his first
Baywatch bikini wax. The horror! Once was enough! Why, MTV. WHHYYY.
For the next few minutes that Cara and GEORGE were hooking up, we saw more straddling than during the entire gymnastics
coverage of the summer Olympics. She straddled him in the hot tub. She straddled him in the bed. Good God, Cara, does your
vagina ever get tired? You know those old commercials that used to ask, "It's 10 PM, do you know where your children are?"
Someone should have asked George, "It's 10 PM, do you know where this vagina has been?"
After showing footage of Cara and George getting it on, MTV then cut to a quick clip of fireworks exploding in the sky. Oooh,
how original. Never seen that done before. Where DO they come up with these little gems? Meanwhile, I was thinking how
wonderful it would be to have an entire episode devoted to the day Cara finally finds out she has an incurable STD. She'd be
crying, but meanwhile, I'd be cheering louder than a mother at her kid's first Little League game.
The next morning, Djordje djust djleft without saying goodbye. Cara said, "I never spent the night with someone I just met."
Please! I'd say something like, "her nose
then grew 5 inches" but with the size of her current honker, I just don't think that'd be plausible.
She then followed that
up by saying, "I felt used. I felt like a slut." Good. Because you were used. And you were a slut. End of story.
Cut to Kyle talking to GEORGE on the phone, insisting that he call Cara back for a "lot of different reasons."
Like what? To find
out the results of her AIDS test? To tell her how much he used her? Kyle told him, "I don't give a shit, just take care
of business," and slammed down the phone. Oh, Kyle, you've proved once again that you're so caring and protective and
considerate. Good. Now shut up and go crawl back under whatever rock you've been hiding under all season.
Next, cut to Aneesa and Veronica hooking up outside some lesbian bar. All of a sudden, girls started screaming
and lifting up their shirts at a passing car. I couldn't tell if Melissa Etheridge had just arrived for a drink, or if they
got drunk and thought they were at Mardi Gras. Turns out Veronica was upset with some girl who drove her Ford Focus
the wrong way down a one way road. But what the hell did she expect? The girl was driving a FORD FOCUS. Need I say more?
Yes, the previews of this week's show left the nation singing the "Bad Boys" theme song from Cops, and left us thinking
someone was going to get their Real World ass thrown in prison. Not even close, because in reality,
this episode was more uneventful than Richard Simmons's recent visit to the Playboy Mansion. Nothing happened. No one
was arrested. The girls just got in their car and drove away.
Back home, Djordje obeyed Sir Kyle's orders and called to talk to Cara. The conversation went a little something like
this:
Cara: "I'm sooooo glad you called!"
Djordje: "Umm, erm, uhh, this is sort of awkward."
Cara: "Oh, don't worry! Boys never call me back after they screw me."
Djordje: "Uhh, okay, I, uhh..."
Cara: "That's okay, I forgive you!"
Djordje: ((...silence...)) "Okay, gotta go."
NOTHING happened during the last 4 minutes of the episode, other than Aneesa calling Veronica to completely break things off.
Aneesa said, "I wasted 14 days with you! Do you know what I could have done in 14 days?" Oh honey, for all we care you could
have built Rome in 14 days. This episode made me far angrier than normal. EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... Justin gets a far better
welcome than Tonya ever did, causing her to fake a kidney relapse for some attention. And now onto the all-new Whiny City
awards!
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Cara. Liar. Skank. Dirty slut. Gross, gross, gross.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Cara: "Oh Aneesa, you always come for me!" Open barf bag. Barf. Close barf bag.
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