|
EPISODE #1109 |
alternatively titled
Drink 3 Jolt Colas Before Watching |
Real World? Real Uneventful. |
|
Yep. Another week, another baaaaad episode of The Real World. Tonight's episode served no purpose whatsoever, except
to assure us all that there are lives way more fucked up than ours. As a result, the review this week will most likely
be shorter than an amoeba's dick on a cold day. Yes, the episode was just THAT BAD.
The episode opened with Kyle and Keri at the beach, eating at a picnic table in what looked like an abandoned K-Mart
warehouse. This week's Blue Light Special: two idiotic morons in aisle 5. Keri was choking down a Mama Cass-sized sandwich and some pretzels in between googly-eyed stares at Kyle. Suddenly
and without warning, George Bush appeared. He grabbed the few remaining pretzels, and mysteriously disappeared. You'd think
he would have learned his lesson by now. Back away from the pretzels.
We then saw a quick shot of Kyle and Keri in a rowboat. That, of course, got me singing the haunting little melody:
Row row row your boat
Gently down the shore
Please do something interesting
You are total bores.
Back home, Tonya was crying while talking to Justin on the phone. I didn't know if she was sad because she missed his company,
or because she just realized the Golden Girls won't ever be filming any more new episodes. In the confessional, she told us
how excited she was that Justin was coming to Chicago for a visit.
We interrupt this review to bring you this breaking story:
NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.
More news as it becomes available.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled review.
Cut to Kyle and Keri on a bus. Aw, where's the ultra-cool blue minivan? At the shop having one of those special wheelchair
lifts installed for Tonya? In any event, Kyle was angrier than Susan Lucci presenting a Daytime Emmy to Diedre Hall because
none of the roommates wanted to go to his parent's lake house with him and Keri.
We interrupt this review to bring you this breaking story:
NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THIS, EITHER.
More news as it becomes available.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled review.
The next day, or whenever, the reject lifeguards were babysitting the mural children. A few quick shots of Tonya's face left
me wondering if her kidneys were acting up again, or if she was feeling the after effects of eating a plate of my mother's
meatloaf. She told us, "I keep getting pains in my back, I just know something's coming!" Please. It's a kidney pain, not a
damned tornado. Oooh, oooh, something's coming! Quick! Board the windows! Get in the cellar! The kidney stones are coming!
Cara agreed to take Tonya to the hospital (although I'm sure it was more to get out of work than to help Tonya in her
most recent "time of need.") Tonya threw her bag at Cara, and sat on the steps crying as Cara went to get the car. And
the whole time, I was saying to myself, "Self? Tonya is more transparent than Britney Spears's
antiqued 2 liter bottle of Clear Pepsi."
Cara came peeling around the corner. Tonya opened the door, hopped in, and screamed, "Go! Hurry up!" I wasn't sure if they
were rushing to the hospital, or fleeing from the scene of the biggest heist since someone stole the Duchess of York's
Weight Watchers Points Calculator.
Once they were at the hospital (after what seemed like 15 minutes of Cara driving a whining Tonya around Chicago,) Cara ran
inside and screamed, "I need a wheelchair! My friend is having an emergency in the car!" Once again, I screamed "PUH-LEEASE"
at my television set. The girl was "allegedly" having some kidney pain! She was not birthing twins. She was not hemorrhaging from
both eyes, both ears, and her left nostril.
Suddenly, a commercial. Will Tonya live through this horrifying ordeal? Will she live to give her boyfriend yet another
blow-job, and then proceed to complain about it for the next 8 months? The show returned, and we found Tonya laying out
the red carpet and twisting balloon animals in preparation for Justin's arrival. That's right... she was fine.
The next day, Tonya picked up the phone to call her boss. Suddenly, Ferris Bueller ran on set, armed only with his keyboard
of "sick noises" and set up shop by the phone. Cue the keyboard's fake sniffles, moans, stomach grumbles, and vomit noises as
Tonya put on her best "sick voice" and told her boss she was too ill to make it into work. The boss bought it. Ferris suddenly
disappeared, screaming "works every time!" as he left. Ah, Tonya.
She couldn't be more fake if she had a "Made In Taiwan" sticker sewn to her asscrack.
Theo hit the proverbial nail on the head when he said, "Tonya wants to stay home so she can have sex with her boyfriend." So
basically, if THEO gets it, it must be obvious.
That's right. It's night time. I could tell, because the song "Booty-liscious" was blaring in the Real World house (that,
and it was dark out.) Kyle pulled his best Britney Spears impression and started lip synching the words to the song. Keri
promptly said, "Stop saying Booty-Liscious, it makes me hot!" No, you're hot because you're wearing a sweatshirt and
sweat pants and it's the middle of July. And you probably have a thing for Britney Spears.
Cue the most vomit-worthy scene of the night: Keri in slow motion touching her breasts, licking her
lips, and bending over and shoving her ass in Kyle's face while getting something out of the stove. That's right, boys and
girls, Kyle was more excited than a 14 year old girl replying to a chain letter that guarantees a meeting with a member of
NSYNC if only she forwards it to 1.9 million people.
Cut to Kyle on the phone getting dumped by his girlfriend, Nicole.
We interrupt this review to bring you this breaking story:
WE REALLY, REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS.
More news as it becomes available.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled review.
After the break, Tonya went to the airport to pick up Justin. She said, "I love him, I love his heart, I love the way
he looks at me, and I love that I have him whipped enough to wear the first kidney stone I ever passed around his neck."
Ew. Guys, and you thought that tacky little number your girlfriend picked out for you was bad?
Back at the house, the roommates ran to Justin faster than John Goodman to the bathroom after eating one too many
Chalupa's. They were probably just really excited to finally lay eyes on the man desperate and/or stupid enough to date
Tonya. She was, by the way, very jealous of Justin's greeting. She said, "He got a better welcome than I ever did!" Um,
that's because people hate you. Oops, was that too blunt?
Justin was nothing special. His hair was quite heinous... so either Tonya just cut it with a flow-bee, or he combed his bangs
way down over his forehead to hide the fact that his silhouette looks like Helen Hunt's.
Cut to Kyle crying while staring at a picture of Nicole. No. No joke. Isn't that friggin' hysterical enough?
He then packed up the ultra cool blue minivan and headed to the lake house by himself. After all, it wouldn't be
"appropriate" to go with only Keri! You know, if it were humanly possible for my eyes to roll ANY farther back in my head,
they'd be there right about now. Honest.
We did get to meet Kyle's dad, who obviously thinks he's Hugh Heffner. He had his beer in hand as he led Kyle
over to the lit in-ground pool. Kyle's dad lit a cigar faster than you could say "midlife crisis." Then,
the camera panned to Kyle's stepmother, who looked like she's had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers and Cher combined.
She also appeared to be much younger than Kyle's father. Word is they're set to be appearing on Jerry Springer's next "May
December" panel.
Kyle then ran to the phone and dialed some numbers. He said, "Hey, what's up, buddy boy?" I thought he was calling, oh, I
don't know, one of his GUY friends. Nope, it was Keri on the other end bitching about how bored she was.
We interrupt this review to bring you this breaking story:
BOO FUCKING HOO. YOU'RE IN A HOUSE THAT YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR, IN AN EXCITING CITY, WITH NO RESPONSIBILITIES.
SUCK IT UP, BITCH. NO ONE CARES.
More news as it becomes available.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled review.
Kyle wrapped things up by saying, "Okie dokie, see you tomorrow." Okie Dokie? 'Tude? What's the deal? It seems
that someone's been
snooping through FAR too many issues of their step-mommy's 17 magazine!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... where once
again, nothing will happen! And now onto the all-new Whiny City
awards!
 |
THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Kyle. Grow some balls. Stop crying every 4 seconds. Stop whining about Keri. It's revolting.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Kyle: "It wouldn't be appropriate to go with only Keri to my parent's beach house." PLEASE! Not appropriate?
What are you going to be
doing to her? Severing her head inside your parents cabana? Get a friggin grip.
|
|
|
|
