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EPISODE #1112 |
alternatively titled
Watch Out Boys, She'll Chew You
Up (Then Throw You Up) |
Cara Gained 7 Lbs. The Horror! |
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Yep. Another week, another baaaaad episode of The Real World. I hope you all enjoy this review, as I'm missing the Osbournes
so I can write it. Oh, and did you guys all see Cara featured on the cover of Slut Magazine last week?
Mommy and Doodles Nussbaum must be so proud!
The episode opened with Cara introducing Ali, her incessant gum-chomping ex-boyfriend from "hell." She said, "I don't know what
part of him is coming to Chicago to see me." Hmm. I bet I know what part is coming to see Cara, and judging by
Ali's pathetically large ego, I'd say that part is shorter than Gary Coleman bending over to pick up a
quarter. Overcompensation much?
Cut to Cara and Ali in a restaurant. Cara held up her glass and offered a toast: "To health, to happiness, and to hoping
I can find a hand basket large enough to safely transport my ass to hell. Oh, and here's to wishing my new soap,
Testosterone-B-Gone, starts flying off the shelves. Cheers!" Cara randomly excused herself, ducked under the table, and
pulled a Magic-8 ball out of her pocketbook. She asked, "Oh, Magic-8 ball, will Ali knock me out with his infamous
1-2 punch tonight?" Suddenly, Will Smith appeared out of nowhere and said, "This is gonna sting like a bee, bitch!" He punched
the crap out of Cara, and then mysteriously disappeared. What does it mean?
Back home, Cara told Kyle all about her date with Ali. Poor Kyle looked more bored than Stevie Wonder at the Guggenheim
Museum of Modern Art, yet Cara kept going on and on.
Next, Tonya told the cameras that "Aneesa is rude and crude." Cut to Aneesa on the toilet frantically waving her hands
around in the air and bouncing up and down on the poor bowl. Obviously, some of Cara's crabs had found their way into the
toilet bowl and began biting Aneesa on the ass. Either that, or she needed more toilet paper. The choice is yours.
Cut to the camera focusing in on a blurry pill bottle. Turns out that Cara takes anti-depressants. Yeah, like that's a
total shocker. Please. Cara is more unstable than a hostage situation being negotiated by Richard Simmons.
Tonya and Keri went out to eat, and started talking about Cara's depression. Keri said, "For the most part, everything
to Cara is always sunny and bright." Sunny and bright? What the hell? Is Cara suddenly living inside a Bing Crosby
Christmas Carol, or a commercial for new & improved Windex? In the wise, wise words of Alicia Silverstone,
"I don't think so."
Cut to Cara in the bathroom walking around in a pair of leather pants and a bra, getting ready to go out with Ali. Chris
walked up to her and "pinched an inch" of Cara's love handles. Seriously, I've seen some evil looks in my day, but none
of those could compare to the look that Cara immediately shot Chris. I'd say steam came out of her ears, but I don't think
her 72 pound body could generate enough energy to produce that sort of reaction. Instead, she stormed away, looking more
upset than Bob Vila's neighbor trying to sleep in on a Sunday morning.
After the break, Cara was crying on Tonya's shoulder. Either someone just refused to have sex with her, or she was really
traumatized by Chris's touch. Gee, I think someone forget to pop their Xanax this morning. Cara then said, "I know
I'm a size ZERO but that doesn't make me feel better!" Seriously, only in America could someone be this fucked up. In some
parts of the world, people are thrilled to find an extra dung beetle in the bottom of their bowl of boiled leaves, and here's
Cara complaining that she gained 7 pounds since she got to Chicago. Yeah, great job, Cara. 7 down, 40 to go.
Kyle's sheer genius shone through when he said, "Cara is not as happy as she seems and this event is proof of
that." Gold star for Princeton! I don't know how he ever unraveled that little mystery. Surely, Scooby Doo and his team
would have been stumped on that one for at least another 30 minutes. Zoinks!
Cut to Kyle, Keri, Cara, and Ali out at a bar. Ali was going on and on telling some story about "scary people." The point
of his story was harder to find than the plot of Pulp Fiction. It was so rivoting, in fact, that MTV showed at least
30 seconds of a candle flickering whimsically about while he was talking. This candle footage and last episode's scintillating
Cinnabun footage have made me wonder what we will have to look forward to next week. A 30 second shot of an ashtray? 45
seconds of Cara's KY Jelly sitting idly on her nightstand? Wait, that wouldn't be sitting idly. I stand corrected.
Kyle then said, "Ali seems slick and cool, but apparently he did some things that weren't cool." That's right. Last
month he held his breath while driving past a graveyard and passed out because he forgot to start breathing again. And
just last week, he stepped on a crack in the sidewalk, causing his mother to immediately break her back. (Note to the
clueless: those are references to superstitions.)
Cut to Ali and Cara making out in a locked stall in the men's room. Man, this girl just screams class, doesn't she? I don't
know what was more revolting; the dirty toilet paper thrown all over the bathroom floor, or the moans emitting out of
Cara's mouth as Ali pretended he was Johnny Gill and started to "Rub Her The Right Way." What happened? Cara's already
blown all of the guys in the free world, so she had to go back to square one and start all over again? I'm disturbed.
The two ran back to the Real World house faster than a gaggle of Latinos to the dance floor after Gloria Estefan screamed,
"Come on shake your body baby, do that conga!" Same footage, different male figure. Picture this. Chicago. 2001. A young
woman straddling a young man ready to get wilder than Sam Kinison after sucking down a bottle of tequila. The covers
went up over their heads, and Cara obviously got banged harder than Liberace's piano. The end.
The next day in the confessional, Cara said, "I associate being skinny with being happy. That's a falsy. Falsey-false.
Falsehood. Failsey." She was harder to decipher than Mike Tyson after being repeatedly injected with novocaine, and
more painful to watch than Tom Green's testicular operation that MTV aired a few years back.
Good grief! The word is "fallacy!" Step away from the penis. Come up for air. Kindly try hitting the
dictionary as hard as you hit the sheets. Spare us all.
In the kitchen, Cara was telling Chris that she "looks in the mirror and thinks she's heavy." We have a word for that:
anorexia. Live it, learn it, love it. Chris ran into a phonebooth and came out dressed as Stuart Smalley. He instructed
Cara to repeat after him: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!" Yeah, buddy, those lines
may work at your AA meetings, but something tells me they'll go in one of Cara's ears, spend a few moments lost in the vast expanse of
her empty head, and then go out the other.
After a long and very dull confrontation between Aneesa and Tonya (regarding Tonya being uncomfortable with Aneesa
jiggling her ass in everyone's faces every 5 seconds), Cara walked into the kitchen and proceeded to piss me off by talking
about herself in the third person: "Cara had an orgasm last night!" Yeah? And Jill blew her nose 93 times last week when
she was sick. My point? No one gives a rat's ass. And stop talking about yourself in the third person! That's more
obnoxious than a red-headded stepchild complaining about her gifts on Christmas morning.
Cara then brought Ali to the airport. And might I say... thank God. I couldn't take one more second of his "I think I'm
so hot because I'm chewing gum and showing off my nice teeth" footage. Cara said, "I would never date you again." Ali
laughed in her face and said, "Yeah, right!" She's such a liar. She'd run back to him faster than Ricky Martin to his
mailbox the day his "How To Thrust Your Hips Like Elvis" video cassette was set to arrive in the mail.
Cara and Ali then hugged and kissed a few more times. She told us in the confessional, "I am a bizarre mix of
complete self confidence with pockets of insecurity." Yeah, Cameryn Manheim's pockets, maybe. She then told Ali to
have a "safe flight" and watched him walk away. I never understood why people tell people to have a "safe flight." They're
not the ones flying the plane. They're just sitting there in coach, eating their peanuts
and trying to come up with a plan that will get them into
first class without having their assholes surgically sewn shut by the flight attendants. Buh-bye!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... where
Tonya will fake more kidney pain. And now onto the all-new Whiny City
awards!
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Cara. Some overweight people have their stomachs stapled. For Cara, I would like to recommend a vagina
stapling.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Tonya: "I want to cry with Cara because I know where she's at." I wish I had some duct tape. I'd sew that mouth shut
faster than you could say "kidney stone."
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