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EPISODE #1113 |
alternatively titled
The One Where They Showed The
Close-Up Shot Of Tonya's Blood Clot In The Cup |
Nastiest. Episode. EVER. |
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Yep. Another week, another stomach-turning, vomit-inducing episode of The Real World.
The episode opened with the roommates getting ready to go eat at the restaurant Tonya just started working at. Translation?
Some boring footage of Tonya listing the salad dressings, delivering bread, and passing kidney stones in the food of
three rowdy bikers in the corner who made fun of her big forehead and crooked nose.
Tonya said, "By the end of the night, my back was aching and I could tell something was going on." Ooh, something's going on.
Please. I can just see the headline of tomorrow's paper: "Girl Has Back Ache; Predicts Tsunami In Outer Mongolia." Yeah,
something's going on. It's called "you just stood on your feet delivering food for 8 hours."
But alas, Tonya has bigger problems than her aching back. She told Aneesa that she's had urinary tract infections since
her youth, but she didn't get the proper medical attention because she was in foster care. "They don't take you to
doctors. They don't care about you," Tonya said. Who the hell was her foster care mother, Cruella DeVille? Tonya then
continued the pity-fest by saying, "I had cysts that should have been taken care of, but they weren't." Yeah, yeah.
And you nearly had 2 limbs and an ear severed off the week your foster parents sent you to work in that chainsaw factory
when you were 8. We get the picture.
Cut to the roommates bickering about the filthy dishes that had accumulated in the sink. Apparently, Aneesa was supposed
to clean them, but didn't. So Cara put on a pair of blue gloves, started scrubbing the dishes, and acted like she
was carrying out the most important job on the planet, next to keeping Richard Simmons out of the gene pool. She was
just looking for praise and attention, as usual.
So here we are, calmly watching a rather boring episode of TRW when all of a sudden, Tonya frantically runs out of the
bathroom screaming, "Do not use the bathroom on the left; if I passed a kidney stone I need to keep it!" You know,
just last week, I wondered what sort of exciting cinnabun/candle footage we'd be forced to watch this week. I just had
to ask, didn't I. Cut to an up close and personal shot of the inside of the used toilet bowl,
blood and toilet paper and all. Tonya ran back in, used a cup to scoop something out of the bowl, and proceeded to show it to everyone in the house. Great.
That's all fine and dandy, but surely they wouldn't show the cup's contents to the entire world, right?
Wrong. Boy did they ever. And let me tell you, when they did, I was more grossed out than Louie Anderson's proctologist the
day he came in complaining of gastrointestinal discomfort. Seriously, I haven't been that disturbed since the day I
walked in on my great grandmother Beatrice trying to shave her moustache with my father's new electric razor. Turns out the disgusting crap floating in the cup was a blood
clot and not a kidney stone. But good God, I don't care what it was. Get it out of my face. Pronto.
Kyle, Cara, and Keri took Tonya to the emergency room and waited... and waited... and waited. Tonya was moving around
in her chair more than Jim Belushi's man-tits while doing jazzercize. Meanwhile, Kyle, Cara, and Keri looked more frustrated
than Edward Scissorhands trying to create a decorative vase on a pottery wheel. Finally, Tonya's name was called. Cara
screamed, "YESSSS!" So either she was excited to get the process moving, or she randomly started fantasizing about testosterone.
The choice is yours.
The next day, all of the roommates (except Theo, who wrote her a note, and Aneesa) went to visit Tonya in the hospital. Aneesa
told the roommates that she "couldn't stand Tonya" and didn't want to go visit her. So, after the "hello's" were
exchanged, Tonya of course asked, "Where's Aneesa?" The whole group played dumber than Pamela Anderson on Jeopardy and
repeatedly shrugged their shoulders like Chuck Norris after doing 10 minutes on the Total Gym. Cara said she had no idea where Aneesa was. Her already large and crooked nose then grew 6 inches. Suddenly,
Cher's plastic surgeon ran into the hospital room, handed Cara his card, and mysteriously disappeared.
The nurse informed the roomies that only one person could spend the night with Tonya in her hospital room. That's right, there
was only one way to handle this dilemma. Rock Paper Scissors. But if I were there, I would have introduced a new element to
that game: the bulldozer. Plows over, through, and under everything in its path. No way in hell would I want to stay and listen to her whine through the entire night. I'd run out faster than
a pack of smokes at one of Chris's AA meetings.
Meanwhile, Aneesa was home playing with her new friend, Danielle. Aneesa said Danielle brings out her "childish side."
Childish side? What the hell do these girls do together? Play hopscotch and roleplay with their My Little Pony box sets? Get
a grip.
Cut to Aneesa on the phone with her mother. She said, "I've been having breakthroughs these past few days!" Yeah? Like what?
You've finally mastered the fine art of peeing while standing? Finally learned how to take a drag of a cigarette with
your vagina? Breakthroughs my ass! Hey Aneesa, did you know there was a country in Africa called ZIP-IT?
After some boring footage of a fight between Theo and Aneesa regarding how long she stayed at the hospital when she went to visit Tonya,
Cara went to pick up Tonya and bring her home. Tonya started rambling on and on: "The doctor told me he was going to get me back to running, but I
never told him I was a runner. He was so optimistic!" Cara half-heartedly nodded, and I yawned because the scene
was as rivoting as a fishing show hosted by Ben Stein.
Back home, Aneesa told Tonya that she didn't feel wanted when she went to visit her at the hospital. Tonya ran into a
phone booth, came out dressed like 90's R&B singer Monica, and said, "Don't take it personal!" That's right, my most hated
catch phrase from 1995 reared its ugly head once again. No one is safe.
In the last scene of the night, Tonya received her hospital bill, which totaled $9,940. She looked more frightened than
Haley Joel Osment being introduced to the fans in the front row at a Marilyn Manson concert. The horror!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real World Chicago drama to an end. Stay tuned next week... where
the bachelor will pick his new bride! Oh, wait. Wrong show. And now onto the all-new Whiny City
awards!
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THE WHINY CITY AWARDS |
This week's Whiny City award for the most annoying character:
Aneesa. Her naked ass wriggling all over the floor while playing "childhood" games with Danielle was enough to make
anyone want to hurl.
This week's Whiny City award for the most vomit-worthy comment(s):
Tonya: "It feels good to hear Cara say Aneesa is lazy, because I was the FIRST PERSON to say it!" Yeah? Let me be the first
person to say SHUT THE FUCK UP. There. Said it first.
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